by AMY FEINSTEIN || It’s all come down to this: The sixth season finale of Bravo TV’s Southern Charm. Our episode opens (again) with Thomas Ravenel’s mugshot, and as an aside there is still no resolution to his pending criminal case.
Next month it will be one year out on bail.
This episode begins at Gwynn’s with Kathryn Calhoun Dennis shoe shopping for Patricia Altschul’s party with her buddy and all around Plan B warrior, Madison Simon, when Miss Pat show up for a consult. Kathryn is trying on some uncomfortable ass-kicking shoes on the assumption that
Ravenel’s ex – Ashley Jacobs – will make a scene at the party (as expected, without an invite).
Kathryn tells Patricia that she will get to meet her new beau Hunter Price at the party where they will be arriving with Madison LeCroy and Austen Kroll. They discuss Shep Rose’s anger problem. For a man who portrays himself as the guy who has everything and gets everything he wants, he’s sure got his sphincter clenched lately, and it’s as if Madison is the reminder that, in the words of Sir Mick, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”
Much of this season has felt more like an all-around gut punch than prior seasons, or perhaps I’ve lost my detachment. No doubt I have favorites, but don’t we all? But like a parent with many children, they are bound to disappoint you now and then.
Patricia is admiring the ass-kicking shoes, but they only fulfill their purpose
if someone gets close enough, and let’s hope they don’t.
The ladies review Jacobs “apology” which nobody is buying, especially with the Pippi jokes. Patricia shares with Kathryn that Shep overhead the wicked nurse of Daniel Island telling friends that Kathryn will never get custody of her and Ravenel’s children.
Even after being dumped, she’s still doing his bidding.
(Click to view)
Patricia and Kathryn joke about past warfare, and we move on to Austen, who gets a visit from Bailey. They review the Shep chat where there was a split, or a hiatus, if you will. Gird your loins Mr. Kroll, because the big bad Shepard has plans for you, and if you haven’t seen his true colors yet, you will tonight. Bitter, party of three!?!
God Bless Austen, through all of this, he is still naive. He asks Bailey if she’s
going with Shep. Umm, no. Who is Shep taking? Do you really need a hint? (Roll tape, boys!)
Shep shows up at Chelsea Meissner’s place of business to get the “white trash hairdresser special.”
He thinks he’s so funny and so clever. You stopped being “boyish” years ago, and have transitioned into stunted, tacky, and seemingly contagious. Enough.
You are no longer playing chess (if you ever were) and are back to tic-tac-toe.
Yes, you are bringing the two barflies straight out of central casting. One is named Chelsea, because it seems they were running a special on that name once upon a time.
While this Chelsea cuts his hair, we see the gray poking out. Is that what has you in a state? They sell three shades of “Just For Men” in the CVS if you are too vain to let your hairdresser cover it for you. Those widow’s peaks are also receding, FYI.
Congratulations, you are finally a middle aged Trustafarian cliché.
Shep is ready to take his lacrosse ball and go home, but not before one more swing to teach Austen a lesson. If there isn’t a stabbing at this year’s reunion, there never will be.
Back to Austen who says Shep has no shame. Whoa, boy, pull the reins back on that one, because your shame tank is also running low.
(Click to view)
(Via: Bravo TV)
If you are all wondering whether Shep “banged” (his word, not mine) his date for the evening, I’ve been told by a source “yes, everyone has.” Nice. I guess she won’t taste mom’s meatloaf either. Meatloaf? How charmingly middle class, Lord Shepard!
Tonight, we get to spend some time with Naomie Olindo’s mom, who is delightful. They are painting the bathroom a nice share of dove gray.
Maman Olindo says she raised Naomie to be opinionated and sassy. Good for her, but poor Metul Shah. He’ll survive, it’s good for him, never surrender! But Metul, it wouldn’t be a bad thing if you found a nice jeweler on your travels. Perhaps somewhere with a favorable exchange rate?
Listen up, Naomie, Maman Olindo has some wisdom. She’s saying that it’s easy to be distracted by pretty things, but you’ve got to go for the best overall choice.
We are now getting to see how the sausage is made, watching Eliza Limehouse get her weave on. Am I the only one with just my own hair? Eliza’s extensions are laid out on a tray like they are being transplanted from one ash blonde to another, or as if some poor girl was scalped in the neighborhood for Eliza’s benefit. The door opens wildly and look what the storm blew in, Ashley (a.k.a. Plan B), and she’s got a wild hare up her bum (imagine that).
As an aside, some sort of push up bra would do wonders for that saggy thing you’ve got going on. The plunging necklines and a bralette are not doing the job. Lift those puppies and let them breathe some fresh air!
I see that the Uninvited has a drink, but she seems tipsy already, going on about Patricia again. Yep, it’s all Patricia’s fault, you poor babe in the woods. Plan B is still steaming that she got called a gold digger. For real? Well, honey, it beats escort, right? Swings and roundabouts!
Back to Austen’s apartment. Does he live near a stable? They always show the horse carts when they pan to him. He’s warning Madison about the two women coming to the cocktail party.
Forewarned is forearmed, I guess.
Miss Patricia is doing a walkthrough at the William Aiken House on Upper King Street before the party, and Michael is on hand to take notes. I love Patricia’s modern art coat! Gray flannel with Campbell’s Soup can embroidery (I had this dream where I raided her closet…!)
This is a Stags’ Ball, as in “I’m going stag to the party.” It’s often an occasion to meet others who are also going stag, so no date is required, um, Shep. It’s traditionally a singleton’s soiree.
At Kathryn’s house we have a gathering of ladies who want their makeup done. Lash and Chelsea that makeup magician have arrived (Is Lash a person?). We will finally get to meet Cameran Eubanks’ husband, Jason, at the party and Kathryn somehow missed that going with Austen and Madison to the party is a huge middle finger to Danni Baird.
Ooh, Austen, French cuffs! I cannot resist a man in French cuffs (my husband knows this and has a drawer of cufflinks). Poor Patricia spends so much time planning these fetes only for someone to turn them into a shit show.
Austen helps buckle Madison’s shoe, and says “that’s love” when getting up from the floor. No honey, putting medicine on your lady’s episiotomy incision is love, buckling her shoe is just a Wednesday.
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Patricia has a plus one tonight, and his name is Mr. Kale, and he’s a bodyguard. Kathryn and Hunter arrive. Miss K is nearly six feet tall without shoes, and she’s wearing some mighty high heels, but without the heels, they are the same height.
But as usual, Kathryn has gone big.
The bartender is getting into it with the muddling, which makes for an awesome cocktail.
Metul and Jason are doing the doctor talk thing, which is giving me first marriage PTSD. Where did you go to school, where did you do your residency, what do you think of the new blah blah blah. Are you taking new patients? It’s every boozy lower school parent’s night cocktail party conversation.
Hey bartender, muddle me up something with the Patron!
Chelsea arrives. What is Don wearing on his feet? Are those Duck boots? For real? I could be wrong, but I don’t think L.L. Bean sells anything for this occasion.
Did he misunderstand the stag party and think this was a hunting event? You can take the boy out of New Jersey …
Austen and Madison are arriving, and it’s a shame they didn’t bring those gummies home from Colorado, though it’s likely a felony (why is the south so weird about cannabis and so pro booze?).
Next arrival is Shep, looking like the cat who swallowed a few canaries, Craig Conover, who got roped into this mishagas, and the two brothel extras from the television show In The Heat of The Night. For some reason, when I heard two “girls” went home with Austen, I was picturing younger women.
Shep and company enter, but instead of looking like the guy who got the last laugh, he looks like your weird uncle who brought a hooker to someone’s retirement party because his drinking problem has gotten waaaaaay out of control.
If I haven’t said it already, shame on you too Craig. Shep, when you find yourself off the guest list for Miss Patricia’s next gathering, you’ll know why.
Austen calls Craig a pawn. What do you think you’ve been for the last two years, dude?
Madison and Danni finally talk, and politely clear the air. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t buddies, but this is a good first step.
Kathryn looks like she’s finally having a good time at one of these events because Thomas is home on bail, and the drama isn’t about her.
Craig says hi to her, Austen and Hunter, and is delivering the party line that if Austen’s relationship with Madison is solid, it won’t matter that he came with someone who is on the clock.
Kathryn explains it to Craig perfectly calling him a dick. Did you really not know, Craig, that you were being used? You are either in on it or clueless.
Now Cameran gets a chance to talk some sense into Shep, and he’s not hearing it. Kathryn, Chelsea, Naomie, and Cameran are confronting Shep and Craig’s escorts to get to the bottom of things. I think the redhead gene is connected to the blurt-it-out gene, because KD bores quickly when people can’t just spit it out.
The question is asked: “We think you two are being used.” The response: That’s fine (it seems the hourly rate is the same no matter what, huh?). Gals, move to another town where nobody knows you, and find a nice tow truck driver and have some kids.
Shep and Austen are talking, and at this point, Shep is pathetic, talking with his mouth full. Shep, you need some time with a good therapist, and I mean this sincerely. Something is up. Between this is and your sense of humor with the can recycling, you need an expert to push the reset button. Or maybe you too can move out of town and find yourself a nice truck driver and have some kids.
I’m sure Shep is familiar with the term “mean girl.” Well congrats, at 40 you are finally a mean girl. I think you would have been the bitch with the bucket of pig’s blood in Carrie. Get help. I’m sure Dr. Billy knows someone you can talk to 2-3 times a week. You’re lucky you’re dealing with Austen and Craig, because I would have punched you by now. Has nobody ever beaten the snot out of you?
Maybe that’s the problem.
Blonde girl with Whitney Sudler Smith, stop touching your hair. You are around food.
Madison and Shep talk. Okay, so he calls Madison white trash, but he says his date is someone he “hangs out with quite often.” Why, Shep? You chatting deeply about Sartre?
(Click to view)
(Via: Bravo TV)
Now Plan B (above) makes her dramatic entrance. Wait … did she just introduce herself to the guy who is tossing her out? Yes. She did.
And after she gets the bum’s rush, she calls Ravenel? Why, did he send her? He tells her to call the police. How does that call go, “Hello? 911? I crashed a party and a mean man showed me the door?
In the end, producers reveal that Plan B is heading back to California, “going back to my roots.” Honey, that would be medium brown, but instead, she and Landon went for a twofer on the bottle blonde. Go with God, ladies.
The season has come to an end, and all that is left is the reunion. So, stock up on the wine and the pimento cheese loaf and meet me back here next week!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Amy Feinstein is a native of Baltimore, Maryland, and has been writing professionally for 25 years. She has a degree in English literature and a degree in British history. Amy enjoys writing about entertainment, sports, lifestyle, television and movies. When not at the computer, Amy can be found in the garden or at yoga class.
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