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Amy Feinstein’s Southern Charm Recap: In Sew Deep

“All about Craig …”

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by AMY FEINSTEIN || Last week lit a few fires under the cast of Bravo TV’s Southern Charm, and while some will smolder, others catch fire and move on to new locations, namely, Craig Conover’s house and the infamous “pillow party.”

But first, we are delivered back to the tree house where Kathryn Calhoun Dennis was the unwilling guest on an episode of This Is Your Life. KD has a point, in that if they were not on a reality show Danni Baird would have had this conversation with her privately, as they are tight IRL, but that’s the way the Bravo cookie crumbles.

Lots of nervous hair touching followed by a trip to the fire pit for s’mores and straight talk. Danni is sincere, and it’s out of genuine love and concern. Moving onto the next morning, where Cameran Eubanks is grinding coffee beans with a camera close-up of her giant engagement ring that I guess she sleeps in? She and Chelsea Meissner discuss another chapter of the perils of being a mom.

Sweetie, you want to go to work? Hire a damn nanny already and be done with it. I’m not going to mommy shame, but many people don’t have so many options, so in your own wise words, put on your big girl panties and do something about it or quit your bitching! And yes, the day will come when she says thank you, but the days will come and linger when she says “no” and “you’re not the boss of me.” Count your blessings. No, seriously, get to work!

The trip back to Charleston is, umm, awkward, and everyone seems to need some cooling off time.

Over to Craig’s house, and it’s 12:47 p.m. and he’s still in bed. I wonder if he’s ever been tested for sleeping sickness or Epstein-Barr. But lucky for him, his knight in tasteful armor, Anna Heyward is downstairs taking care of business, and given the title “operations manager” which means that she yells upstairs and tells the boy to get his ass up. She should try my mother’s trick, which was to pull off my covers and leave the room. Yes, it has come to that. Craig has spent a lot of time talking about being new and improved (yes, for those keeping up with my mental soundtrack, it’s Fiona Apple’s “Better Version of Me” I hear each time Craig talks about motivation).

“I’m not a good waker upper.”

C’mon, really? Sure, we all pulled this in our senior year of high school, and perhaps when we were stuck with an 8 a.m. class in undergrad, but is this still really an option at almost thirty? For those Downton Abbey fans out there, I’m reminded of the time when Violet asked “What is a week-end?”

Craiggles needs to have a weekday curfew and a weekday drink limit, and then cut loose on the week-end.

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We see Anna Heyward cutting fabric and sewing (and speaking more with her expressions than her words), and I know, I know, Craig loves to sew, so why do we hardly ever see him do it? Are their 10-year-old local girls in the garage re-enacting a scene from the Triangle Shirt Factory? How is he paying a manager/ assistant/ life coach? So many questions! Everyone asks how KD pays for her house, but how does Craig afford his hobo/ bon vivant lifestyle? Bravo mailbox money?

This episode should have been called “All About Craig.” We get to hear Craig’s lament about his sleep pattern. Perhaps try a CBD and Melatonin combo? They come in Gummi Bears at Premium Jane (Notice I did not say THC, but whatever gets you to sleep at night). If you are having trouble sleeping at night, may I recommend a bedtime story? The book, Go The F**k To Sleep, read by Samuel L. Jackson. It works like a charm, and the book with CD makes an excellent baby shower gift for your snarky friends.

Anna Heyward is a bit more blunt, telling him that a solid day of work with no hangover would do the trick. You go girl!

So, onto another Lost Boy, Austen Kroll, who is golfing with his dad. I really don’t want to do that old gal thing, where I say I walked up hill both ways to school in the snow without shoes, but jeez, what passes as harsh talk, tough love and judgment from parents these days is lame. Back in the old days, my dad shamed me my telling me that I should look into trade school when my first try I got a 1210 on the SATs. In retrospect, that was harsh … though I would have been a well-read carpenter (if I wasn’t such a klutz).

I like Austen’s dad. He’s a plain spoken mid-Atlantic guy, the kind of guy you meet around D.C. who works at a three letter agency. He can also pronounce the word “chutzpah” with the right amount of chhhh (used in sentence, Austen has a lot of “chutzpah” blaming girlfriend Madison LeCroy after he was caught in the sack with two friends, no panties).

After the season is put to bed, and the cast does voiceover work, wouldn’t you think you’d have a moment not to sound like an ungrateful twat?Austen seems like a nice kid, but maybe a bit tone deaf? Read the room dude!

(Click to view)

(Via: Bravo TV)

Mr. Kroll gives some wise advice about always having a plan B (really, no pun intended) and even a plan C in business and in life (and no, this does not mean a threesome with two gals other than your girlfriend). You can either make lemonade, or in this case, grapefruit juice with the citrus life throws your way, or you can run around yelling that it’s burning your eyes, you pick.

Here’s an idea, if you can find a brewer that suits you, start your own, or at least research whether others are searching in vain for one in your area. THAT is how successful people work.

Become Kroll King of Beer in the Carolinas!

The part store? More likely the machine shop. Your biggest cheerleaders are also your biggest pains in the bum? Of course they are. Nobody with sense says take my money with no accountability. An investor who isn’t your dad will be a bigger pain in the butt, as will a landlord or vendor.

Now for the big question from dad, “How’s Madison?” Oy.

Cue Madison at casa Patricia Altschul, looking fab in white cuffed sheer blouse with a bow, coming over to school Miss P on revenge sex. It seems a bourbon sour will go just perfect with the tone of this talk! As an aside, if Madison does her own color, she’s a genius, and I need a consult on covering the pesky gray which dogs all redheads.

Madison says she’s not been feeling like herself since the Austen breakup cheating thing (roll tape for the story broken by our fearless Will Folks about the private party at Austen’s house, for which Madison did not receive an invite). It features Kroll in his drawers bellowing “Madison.” You can’t help but remember it, because Southern Charm has shared it every week this season.

Pan back to Austen, who is committing the ultimate sin with a parent if you ever hope to work things out with Madison, which is throwing her under the bus to deflect (poor thing has been under the bus so many times it’s a wonder she’s not covered with tire tread). Telling dad she’s not the nice girl he thinks she is, well, this is amateur hour, because parents have long memories.

But the senior Kroll is not fooled, and asks Austen if he thinks he sabotages relationships, i.e. the nighttime party with two local barflies (taking bets on who you think sent in the tape). Dad says he wouldn’t have appreciated that.

Duh! Listen to dad, Bubba!

Next we see that Craig has not taken Anna Heyward’s advice, and is up for some day drinking with Shep Rose, the town enabler.

Now, I don’t know if this is just a girl thing, but if this is the first time Shep and Craig have realized that ladies send screenshots to each other on the daily, then I don’t know what to say. It provides incontrovertible evidence that what you are saying actually happened.

Now, a word to all of the youngsters out there, a saying to always keep in mind: “Say it with roses, say it with mink, but never, ever say it in ink!”

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(Via: Bravo TV)

This goes for text and email, which I can’t believe I need to say, followed by “discretion is the better part of valor,” courtesy of William Shakespeare.

Girls talk.

Just like you didn’t want to have the info about the Instagram DMs and told Austen, Madison felt weird hearing intimate talk about Chelsea. Check yourself, boys. Shep and Craig as the brain trust advising Austen is just too much.

The two talk about a boys trip, and I would pay good money to see a show about Whitney Sudler Smith trapped in an RV.

It must be parents’ day, because we also get to meet Danni’s mom, who is defying the aging process. Joanna talks about Danni’s art and the new guy,
Gentry, who is described as “normal” which in Charleston is high praise. The conversation moves quickly to Danni freezing her eggs. Joanna is direct and to the point, my kind of gal!

Craig and Kathryn at the fabric store looks dramatic, but remember that when this was filmed, the news had just hit that her ex was just charged with assaulting the nanny, who was her close friend through a difficult time, and after imaging what it would be like to be a single parent, she also had to come to terms with what she would tell the kids, and ultimately decided to seek full custody. Add that to your treehouse getaway going tits up, and it’s been a rough week.

Yes Craig, Kensie won’t read about it on the computer, but one would hope she’d notice if dad went missing.

We now hear about the “pillow party,” which seems like Craig’s attempt to pull a Tom Sawyer on his friends. “Look how much fun it is to make pillows! I guess you can try.” Well, Patricia is not one of the neighborhood simpletons, but nice try.

Next we are at the housewarming/ “please help me” party, where Craig tells Anna Heyward he thought she’d be better prepared, which is rich, which elicits an “excuse me?!?” from the woman doing the Lord’s work. He sure learned “talking down to the help” fast. Check yourself, Craig.

So now we have to ask the question about Craig and eyeliner, or guy liner. He thinks girls like it. Do “girls” like it? Are we talking middle schoolers, or women over 21? The eyeliner and the nail polish on one finger of each hand. You do you, Craig, but I’m pretty sure most women aren’t into sharing their kohl pencil with you. Is a smoky eye next? I think I feel like I understand Naomie Olindo so much more.

Whitney arrives, without eyeliner. Perhaps maybe back in his band days would WSS have worn some makeup, but I’m hoping at 51, his days of Lancome Espresso liner are behind him. Seriously though I’ll bet Craig has a Sephora rewards card.

Will someone please explain the sunglasses on the wall in the kitchen? Is that so ladies can disguise themselves doing the walk of shame the next morning? Women of Charleston, know your value, do better. Austen arrives. Poor guy, you are about to get served again, this time by Chelsea, and you don’t even see it coming.

Craig reveals his Tom Sawyer scheme, and nobody is having it. Maybe he should call Thomas Ravenel, who it seems has plenty of free time after getting the Bravo heave-ho. And with mounting legal and PI bills, he could use some dosh. Cameran is onto you, and might as well repeat the line about putting on your big girl panties at the same time that you apply your guy liner.

(Click to view)

(Via: Bravo TV)

Patricia makes an appearance at Craig’s pillow party, saying that she has a soft spot for him. It all makes sense now, Craig attracts women who want to mother him and help make him a grown up. Have I fallen into this trap? Damn it! But I have to say, in the Maryland market, I think those crab pillows would knock it out of the park, especially if you get in with some high end interior designers (call me). See, I’m doing it again!

Now it’s Austen in the hot seat, and he leads with the “I was drunk” excuse. It doesn’t hold up in court, and it’s not going to work now. Next, deflection, “why is she sending you screenshots?” Nope, not really the point.

When Danni wants to go another round at Craig’s KD isn’t having it, no matter what Shep or anyone else has to say. She’s not doing this in public again. In the scenes for next week, we get to briefly meet Kathryn’s rebound, Joe Abruzzo, but it will be brief, so don’t get attached. Cameran is interviewing nannies (finally). We find out that Kathryn desperately needs some kitchen shears or at least a nice Felco tool to cut flower stems. As this was an Eliza Limehouse-free episode, she will be back again next week, talking about Kathryn, again.

Best news ever, the boys get Whitney in an RV, cue The Odd Couple music!

Until next week!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Amy Feinstein is a native of Baltimore, Maryland, and has been writing professionally for 25 years. She has a degree in English literature and a degree in British history. Amy enjoys writing about entertainment, sports, lifestyle, television and movies. When not at the computer, Amy can be found in the garden or at yoga class.

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