Sports

Palmetto Bowl: Very Superstitious

THE SIX-PEAT THAT WASN’T … AND WHY By WILL FOLKS  ||  I don’t get it.  At all. In the days leading up to this year’s Palmetto Bowl – in which my alma mater the University of South Carolina annually does battle on the gridiron against its agrarian nemesis to the north (a.k.a. the Clemson Tigers)…

THE SIX-PEAT THAT WASN’T … AND WHY

By WILL FOLKS  ||  I don’t get it.  At all.

In the days leading up to this year’s Palmetto Bowl – in which my alma mater the University of South Carolina annually does battle on the gridiron against its agrarian nemesis to the north (a.k.a. the Clemson Tigers) – absolutely nothing was left to chance.

Five straight wins is a big deal, people … especially in a series Clemson has historically owned.

And so the garnet sweatshirt with black lettering that cursed my beloved Gamecocks against Kentucky this year had long ago been thrown away.  The black parka with garnet lettering that doomed us against Tennessee?  It was burned – like, literally burned  (in violation of God knows how many local ordinances).

The grey New Balance sneakers that cost South Carolina victories against Florida in 2012 (and again this year against Missouri) had been banished from the house.

Similarly, two friends whose enjoyment of my hospitality proximately caused Gamecock losses to Arkansas (2011) and LSU (2012) were told to give my abode a wide berth – or else.  Meanwhile all members of my immediate family – many of whom were traveling during the Gamecocks’ 2013 loss to Tennessee – were instructed to remain at their homes between 12:00 noon and 3:30 p.m.

“Eastern Standard Time” was specified – with a phone call made to one relative whose car clock remains inexplicably stuck on daylight savings time.

A custom road white Under Armor jersey bearing my last name “FOLKS” and the No. 19 (which was a key ingredient in Gamecock victories over North Carolina, Mississippi State, Florida, Clemson and Wisconsin last year) was brought out of the closet.  On top of it I wore the lucky grey sweater with garnet lettering that single-handedly delivered Gamecock wins over Clemson in 2001 and 2006.

WILL FOLKS
WILL FOLKS

I even busted out a lucky pair of black Adidas sweatpants which – with a little help from Marcus Lattimore – were directly responsible for South Carolina victories over Georgia in 2010, 2011 and 2012.

Finally my garnet block “C” New Era cap – which went undefeated in 2013 – was brought out of retirement, replacing a grey interlocking “SC” New Era cap that posted a dismal 4-5 record this season.

Why didn’t I get rid of that accursed grey lid sooner?  Well, I thought it had some mojo after it gave Gamecock quarterback Dylan Thompson the inch he needed against Georgia this year.

Summer sausage was sliced and arrayed on the serving tray that started the streak against Clemson five years ago.  Meanwhile my wife’s signature cranberry feta pecan cheese spread was served up in a garnet-and-black bowl that had won three straight New Year’s Day bowls.

Cold beer was flowing like oil – although iced mugs were strictly verboten  after what happened against Texas A&M earlier this season.  Which, coincidentally, was also why there was not a slice of Monterey Jack cheese to be found anywhere in the house.

Like … nowhere.

Last but not least my friend James – whose presence on the left cushion of my leather love seat has engineered many a Gamecock victory over the past three seasons – was in position for kickoff after I urged him to abstain from spending an extra day enjoying the holidays with his family in Greenwood, S.C.

“Thanksgiving comes every year,” I told him.  Which is true!

Like I said nothing was left to chance.

“Everything,” as Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke once crooned, was “in its right place.”

How confident was I that the Gamecocks were going to roll over the Tigers last weekend?  Supremely.  I wagered a barbecue meal against a Clemson big-wig – without taking the points Vegas was offering.  Not only that, I chose my post-game headline for what would have been South Carolina’s sixth consecutive victory …

TIGERS DEEP-SIXED

Nice, huh?

And when Pharoh Cooper strode into the end zone to put South Carolina up 7-0, I contemplated to myself how I might “six-bomb” the Clemson Rotary Club next year.

Alas, though, it was not meant to be.

As it turns out, superstitions don’t matter.

And even if they did, they’d have been no match for a Gamecock defense that surrendered 374 points (31.2 per game) and 5,203 yards (433 per game, 6.26 per play) this year.  Or an offense that defined predictability.  Or, you know, better coaching.  And four straight years of getting waxed on the recruiting trail.

Oh well … “there’s always next year.”

Will Folks is the founding editor of the website you are currently reading.

***

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37 comments

idcydm November 30, 2014 at 9:00 pm

Life’s a bitch.

Reply
Squishy123 November 30, 2014 at 9:04 pm

I guess you could always try watching the bowl game naked sitting in a garnet beanbag chair.

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TontoBubbaGoldstein November 30, 2014 at 9:11 pm

I guess you could always try watching the bowl game naked sitting in a garnet beanbag chair.

…eating cheetos.

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9" November 30, 2014 at 9:19 pm

I knew a guy who’s dick was so small,and kinda curved, we called him Cheeto.You need to use LAVA(w/pumice)to get that orange dye off your hands.

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euwe max December 1, 2014 at 7:38 am

I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn’t own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of gum with eight people in it. [imitates sound of a tiny airplane]. What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We’re traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming, “Go around!”. We get halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It’s a 9-minute flight…can’t pull it off with this equipment.

We had engine trouble. We lost some oil pressure and they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] “Hey, we lost some oil pressure.” [gives a thumbs-up] “Heard ya! Sure did.” It was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, but I’d been drinking since lunch, so I was like, “Take it down, I don’t give a shit.”

You ever have one of those days? “Hit somethin’ hard, I don’t wanna limp away from this piece of shit.” The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes “Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?”

[As himself]”All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, ’cause that’s where we’re headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We’re haulin’ ass!”

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euwe max December 1, 2014 at 9:50 am

Audience cheers as he drinks scotch

We take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel, we buy Mexico, fix it up and flip it!

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TontoBubbaGoldstein November 30, 2014 at 9:32 pm

I guess you could always try watching the bowl game…

Surely Will will not waste the opportunity to expense the cost of a magical, wonderful December trip to the Queen City.

*Dick Vitale voice*
BELK BOWL, BAY-BEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

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9" November 30, 2014 at 9:40 pm

Postseason plans have changed.They’ll be playing in the Family Dollar bowl.

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The Colonel November 30, 2014 at 10:19 pm

That’s better than the Creeflo Dollar Bowl…

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The Sympathetic Ear November 30, 2014 at 9:41 pm

I was refused entrance to the stadium because they wouldn’t let me bring in my custom-made 6 1/2 foot tall Cocky Mascot, even though I told them it was a seat cushion. I missed the first 11 minutes of the game because I had to put Cocky back in my car – behind the steering wheel. After the game somebody had scrawled an obscenity on my windshield.

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E Norma Scok December 1, 2014 at 9:56 am

Well, you had a huge cock in your car. What did you expect?

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Hanahan November 30, 2014 at 9:06 pm

The noon start was the kiss of death for SCar! We’re closers, not openers!

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The Sympathetic Ear December 1, 2014 at 8:57 am

Your comment, if rearranged, would still make sense —–

“The noon kiss was the start of death for SCar! We’re openers , not closers “

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TontoBubbaGoldstein November 30, 2014 at 9:09 pm

TIGERS DEEP-SIXED

Cute.

Coincidentally….

TBG’s Rule #6:
The sun don’t shine on the same dog’s ass every day all the time.

TBG’s Rule #11
There is no such thing as coincidence.

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Nölff December 1, 2014 at 8:38 am

I think Rule #11 was in the book of Caucasians. 4:17-25 I think it was.

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shifty henry December 2, 2014 at 12:20 am

No, the real curse is that we did not get this year’s video from —- KATE BICKLEY..!!

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9" November 30, 2014 at 9:12 pm Reply
The Sympathetic Ear November 30, 2014 at 9:23 pm

“–my friend James – whose presence on the left cushion of my leather love seat–”

Odd, but it appears that’s what did it!

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Bible Thumper November 30, 2014 at 10:00 pm

It must have been difficult. Will being all alone on the right cushion of the “LOVE SEAT.”

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The Sympathetic Ear November 30, 2014 at 9:30 pm

“I contemplated to myself how I might “six-bomb” the Clemson Rotary Club next year.”

There would be a police cordon —- if you were invited.

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Tunes'n'News November 30, 2014 at 9:58 pm

Order has been restored. USC’s aberration of nfl caliber recruiting has ended.

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Bible Thumper November 30, 2014 at 10:14 pm

“Not only that, I chose my post-game headline for what would have been South Carolina’s sixth consecutive victory … TIGERS DEEP-SIXED”
This would explain a lot of your stories on Haley’s and Graham’s political demise.

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cuvinny December 1, 2014 at 1:25 am

Folks being a jersey wearer surprises no one

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GrandTango December 1, 2014 at 5:37 am

LMAO…Anyone else think that FITS is going to extraordinary lengths to convince you he is a Gamecocks fan.

Hey FITS, don’t present like such a self-loathing, Tater @$$-kissing-SC bashing Dumb@$$ all the time, and thou would not have to protest to this absurd degree. (: ….

PS: any word on those CWS forfeitures you Taters swore to us about, yet???…Hahahaha…Your orange-clad anonymous source got any more “scoops” for you???…LMAO…

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Nölff December 1, 2014 at 8:46 am

Dude. He’s a Gamecock fan just as much as I’m a Clemson fan. It’s obvious.

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GrandTango December 1, 2014 at 9:51 am

And w/ the way he is laboring and BEGGING you ignorant F*#ks to believe him….makes it obvious…LMAO…

You are some stupid MoFos…that’s the one thing for sure…Hahahaha…

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High Heeled Roller December 1, 2014 at 11:38 am

Speaking of begging, how’s that blog doing?

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GrandTango December 1, 2014 at 3:21 pm

It’s doing GREAT…I’ve solicited 3 ads, and ALL THREE bought. Not only that, all 3 know of FITS and think he’s a low-rent idiot, doing the bidding for the Democrat Party. They said part of their motivation in buying from me, is to thwart FITS and the rest of the media, that helps the left, like him…’We need SCPSD, and more sites like it’…I’m told…

I just wish I had more time to peddle more ads, and post more on the site. But that’s coming…

And PS: Thank you for reading. You’re part of my success, too…

Smirks December 1, 2014 at 8:53 am

No Clemson victory can sting quite as bad as the realization that GrandTango is a Gamecocks fan. :(

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E Norma Scok December 1, 2014 at 9:58 am

Seems about right to me.

He is basically what I expect from them.

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mamatiger92 December 1, 2014 at 9:21 am

66-42-4

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Paladin December 1, 2014 at 7:49 am

If you drive north from Cola you will arrive in Charlotte, not Clemson. Maybe that’s where the Cocks should’ve gone last Saturday.

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Toyota Kawaski December 1, 2014 at 10:19 am

allegedly grown man wearing a jersey? If i see u at a game plan on that jersey being over your head and feeling like Cam Janssen just got done with u. Whoever gives u tickets should lose the privilege.

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Crooner December 1, 2014 at 12:12 pm

It was meant to be. How do you six-bomb someone in a photo anyway?

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Cush December 1, 2014 at 9:19 pm

No grown white man should ever wear a backwards baseball cap.

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mamatiger92 December 2, 2014 at 9:52 am

disagree. very sexy.

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ClickClackCluxed6 December 1, 2014 at 11:14 pm

Had gamecock fans inked another gamecluck tattoo on their bodies, they probably would have won.

Reply

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