Prioleau Alexander: ‘What Would You Do?’ Episode II

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It’s time for another episode of your favorite game show, ‘What Would YOU Do?’ Did you miss the last installment? If so, here’s a refresher.

Ready to play this round? Let’s go!

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You’re a Republican who watched as it was revealed the head of the FBI used the FISA courts to illegally spy on the president of the United States. You then see speaker of the House Mike Johnson ensure the FISA spying rule was renewed. Do you:

1. Assume there must be a good reason, because people in Congress are clearly much smarter than you and never have ulterior motives.
2. Feel sure the decision was based, somehow, on “taking the high road,” just as you will “take the high road” when the FBI kicks in your door, slams you in the face with a rifle butt, and tells you to put your hands behind your back.
3. Say to yourself, “Doesn’t matter to me. I’m not breaking any laws. And there’s zero chance they’ll pass retro-active laws that can put me in jail for stuff I texted, emailed, or did 20 years ago, because they definitely didn’t pass a one-time law changing the statute of limitations to allow Jean Carroll to sue a former president. 

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You’re a Republican, and find out that same bill earmarks $3.495 billion dollars for “migration and refugee assistance” “to address the humanitarian needs of vulnerable communities.” Do you:

1. Assume there must be a good reason, because people in Congress are clearly much smarter than you and never have ulterior motives.
2. Start a non-profit called the Clinton Foundationn (or some other misspelling) and hope there’s a typo when they’re wiring the $3.495 billion.
3. Feel good about helping others, as you recall the halcyon days of “compassionate conservatism” under Dubya, who compassionately murdered 1,000,000 Iraqis, ordered assassinations across the globe, sent American forces into a nation called “the Graveyard of Empires,” and enacted the entirely unconstitutional “Patriot Act.” 

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You’re a Democrat who has always stood for civil rights, the right to privacy, and holding law enforcement accountable for overreach. Congress passes a bill to continue to allow the government to spy on you. Do you:

1. Search the Google to see what Stephen Colbert thinks.  
2. Write on Twitter how the FBI and FISA courts didn’t drum up the entire Russia Collusion Hoax, and add lots of !!!!! at the end of your sentences.
3. Read about the Republican Party platforms in the 1970s, and realize you are now in lockstep with most things they believed … straight down the ticket to segregated dorms on college campuses.

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You’re a liberal Jew who votes a Blue straight ticket. You see your President losing support in your own party because he’s standing up for Israel, and watch liberal college students chanting “Death to the Jews!” Do you:

1. Make yourself a fried bologna sandwich and turn on the King of Queens marathon.
2. Chuck those old photos of your family’s holocaust survivors, and put a second Coexist sticker on your car.
3. Poke around and see if there’s a different political party that doesn’t hate Jews.

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You are a Democrat in favor of open borders and want to show solidarity with those coming to America for a better life. Do you:

1. Take your front door off the hinges in case someone seeking a better life views your stuff as part of the better life they’re seeking.
2. Take in a couple military-age males with neck and face tattoos and provide for them until they save enough money to afford to rent and furnish their own place.
3. Scratch off a check to cover the $34 trillion in debt so America can afford the new arrivals.

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You’re disgusted with America’s priorities and want to raise taxes to properly fund all the needed entitlement programs. Then you realize the amount you owe when filing your taxes is the minimum amount due. Do you:

1. Pay extra when you file your taxes.
2. Ask your dad to raise your allowance so you can donate it to the Fed.
3. Realize you’ll never be willing to put your money where your mouth is.

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You’re a Democrat living in a Democrat city, in a Democrat state, sitting in the jury pool for the trial of a former Republican president regarding charges brought by a Democrat district attorney and ruled on by a Democrat judge. You’re asked if you can be impartial. Do you:

1. Ponder the question deeply, taking into effect all the moral dilemmas and the importance of remaining faithful to both the spirit and the letter of the law.
2. Stab yourself in the leg with a pen to keep yourself from laughing.
3. Respond, “Oh hell yeah, Bee-otch!”

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You’re a liberal who might throw yourself off a bridge if Donald Trump is re-elected. Despite incumbent Joe Biden’s poor polling numbers, you keep the faith. The president then tells the world his Uncle Bossie was eaten by cannibals. Do you:

1. Go to RFK, Jr’s website to see if you can live with his platform.
2. Take comfort in the fact his uncle fed a village, and the village was thusly nourished to raise a child.
3. Pray that Michelle Obama is weakening in her resolve to stay out of the race. 

You’re a liberal and hear that of the 230 people arrested during “Kill the Jews” rallies at Columbia and New York University, virtually zero will face charges or have a criminal record. Do you:

1. Do the mental gymnastics required to believe “exterminate all Jews, from the river to the sea,” isn’t hate speech.
2. Defend the cry “Put them in gas chambers!”, as it’s free speech.
3. Dismiss the issue, because those chants aren’t as bad as the Orange Man’s mean Tweets.

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You’re a liberal and hear that the illegal immigrants kicked off Martha’s Vineyard can now work in the United States, as they’ve been classified as “victims of a crime.” Do you:

1. Drive to Martha’s Vineyard, loiter, get kicked off, achieve “victim of a crime” status, get a DEI job, and move out of your parent’s basement.
2. Go, “DUN DUN” with your inside voice.
3. See if you can hire a few of the men and score a sweet deal on lawn maintenance.

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Elon Musk bought Twitter, which you hate, but he makes EVs, which you love, yet now you’re happy he’s losing his ass with Tesla. Do you:

1. Say to yourself, “Holy shit! That’s true! What kind of pathetic twisted retard am I?”
2. Ignore the fact your failure to support Tesla will lead to us all drowning due to a lack of EVs … in two years, tops.
3. Volunteer to be the 1,000th reporter with journalism degree to interview Elon, attempt to embarrass him, and end up curled into the fetal position, sucking your thumb.

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You are passionate about your desire for Israel to end its war. Do you:

1. Raise money 24/7/365 to buy off the speaker of the House? 
2. Work tirelessly to raise awareness about the issues by handing out pamphlets, speaking calmly to community groups, writing letters to media outlets, and building bridges with those who disagree with you.
3. Go full-logic and light yourself on fire, then die in agony.

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RELATED | PRO-PALESTINE PROTESTERS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA

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You are a “Queer for Palestine” and fly to Gaza to help, then rush up to a Hamas terrorist to explain your pronouns, and warn him you’ll get in his grill if he forgets them. Do you:

1. Choose stoning
2. Chose beheading.
3. Chose to be thrown off a roof.

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You are a man trapped in a woman’s body. Do you:

1. Wait until you’re born and the problem solves itself.

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Well, that wraps it up, kiddos! Thanks for playing, and immersing yourself in America’s favorite swimming pool of cognitive dissonance. Until next time, keep your eyes on the news, and keep pretending you think through important issues!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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