Uncategorized

It’s Pope Francis

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio has been selected as the new leader of the Roman Catholic Church  – and has taken the name Francis (after St. Francis of Assisi). The longtime archbishop of Buenos Aires is the first South American pontiff (and the first Jesuit pope) – and begins his ministry…

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio has been selected as the new leader of the Roman Catholic Church  – and has taken the name Francis (after St. Francis of Assisi). The longtime archbishop of Buenos Aires is the first South American pontiff (and the first Jesuit pope) – and begins his ministry at the ripe old age of 76.

Moments before the announcement, billows of fumata bianca (a.k.a. “white smoke”) came pouring from the chimney of the Sistene Chapel in Vatican City, symbolizing the successful conclusion of the papal conclave.

Shortly thereafter came the official announcement from the church: “Habemus Papum” (a.k.a. “We Have a Pope”).

Bergoglio will replace Benedict XVI, the first pope in six centuries to resign the office. The 266th pope – Bergoglio was selected on the fifth ballot, on the second day of the conclave. He is the first non-European to lead the church in nearly 1,300 years.

Catholics view the Pope as the apostolic successor of Saint Peter, the rock upon which Jesus Christ built his church. He is said to have a “direct line” to the Almighty – meaning his pronouncements are held as the divinely inspired will of God.

Bergoglio – who was not a frontrunner heading into the conclave – is said to be a conservative, and has firmly upheld the church’s teachings on issues like abortion, gay marriage and contraception (he’s against all three, in case you’re keeping score at home). He inherits a church marred by allegations of child sex abuse at the hands of its leaders – as well as a major rift within the Holy See over allegations of corruption and mismanagement within the church’s bureaucracy.

Bergoglio has a reputation for thrift – eschewing the perks of office after being chosen as a cardinal in 2001.

According to the 2012 Annuario Pontifico, there were 1.196 billion Catholics worldwide in 2010 – the latest year for which data is available. That’s roughly 17 percent of the world’s population. In America there are approximately 75 million Catholics – which equals roughly one out of every four United States citizens.

***

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94 comments

9" March 13, 2013 at 3:36 pm

why can’t they get another cute pope like ,John Paul?he was really hot;a pope worth poking

Reply
9" March 13, 2013 at 3:36 pm

why can’t they get another cute pope like ,John Paul?he was really hot;a pope worth poking

Reply
Same ol' Same ol' March 13, 2013 at 3:56 pm

Isn’t that 1.196 billion?

Reply
Ken E. March 13, 2013 at 3:59 pm

FITSNews: Unfair. Imbalanced. Usually wrong about lots of $hit.

Reply
Will Folks aka Sic March 13, 2013 at 4:08 pm

and don’t forget we “make stuff up” too. like, all the time.

Reply
Will Folks aka Sic March 13, 2013 at 4:08 pm

yup 1.196 billion worldwide. 75 million in the U.S. thanks for catching that …

Reply
Same ol' Same ol' March 13, 2013 at 5:26 pm

es no problemo, million, billion, what’s a thousand here and there…

Reply
Same ol' Same ol' March 13, 2013 at 3:56 pm

Isn’t that 1.196 billion?

Reply
Ken E. March 13, 2013 at 3:59 pm

FITSNews: Unfair. Imbalanced. Usually wrong about lots of $hit.

Reply
Will Folks aka Sic March 13, 2013 at 4:08 pm

and don’t forget we “make stuff up” too. like, all the time.

Reply
Will Folks aka Sic March 13, 2013 at 4:08 pm

yup 1.196 billion worldwide. 75 million in the U.S. thanks for catching that …

Reply
Same ol' Same ol' March 13, 2013 at 5:26 pm

es no problemo, million, billion, what’s a thousand here and there…

Reply
not fair March 13, 2013 at 4:12 pm

Old? Check.
White? Check.
Out of touch with the modern world? Check.
Non-European? Only by a technicality. He was born in Argentina but his parents were Italian. European blood really corners the market on holiness, I guess.

Reply
Smirks March 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm

Does the “More concerned with gays having sex than with priests having sex with boys?” get a check? Guess we’ll see.

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 7:47 pm

Not Fair: A Racist Bigot – Check…

Reply
not fair March 13, 2013 at 4:12 pm

Old? Check.
White? Check.
Out of touch with the modern world? Check.
Non-European? Only by a technicality. He was born in Argentina but his parents were Italian. European blood really corners the market on holiness, I guess.

Reply
Smirks March 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm

Does the “More concerned with gays having sex than with priests having sex with boys?” get a check? Guess we’ll see.

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 7:47 pm

Not Fair: A Racist Bigot – Check…

Reply
Guido March 13, 2013 at 4:15 pm

For those of you educated in SC, Jorge is pronounced whore-hay

Reply
BigT March 14, 2013 at 8:01 am

You must have been “educated” in Tijuana…is that why you’re so Stupid????

Reply
Squishy123 March 14, 2013 at 10:57 am

Isn’t that what they feed fat prostitutes?

Reply
Jan March 14, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Only if you are speaking Spanish.

Reply
Guido March 13, 2013 at 4:15 pm

For those of you educated in SC, Jorge is pronounced whore-hay

Reply
BigT March 14, 2013 at 8:01 am

You must have been “educated” in Tijuana…is that why you’re so Stupid????

Reply
Squishy123 March 14, 2013 at 10:57 am

Isn’t that what they feed fat prostitutes?

Reply
Jan March 14, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Only if you are speaking Spanish.

Reply
At Laaast March 13, 2013 at 4:48 pm

Probably lots of Catholics in South America; maybe one of the last big bastions of Catholicism. Perhaps more cultural for the rich and a comfort for the poor.

Reply
At Laaast March 13, 2013 at 4:48 pm

Probably lots of Catholics in South America; maybe one of the last big bastions of Catholicism. Perhaps more cultural for the rich and a comfort for the poor.

Reply
This just in . . . March 13, 2013 at 5:12 pm

Vatican Calls White Smoke a False Alarm: “We Were Just Burning Documents”

VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report) — A puff of white smoke over Vatican City today raised hopes among the faithful who jammed St. Peter’s Square until an official spokesman explained that the Vatican was “just burning some documents.”

“Wednesday is the day we traditionally burn documents and other legal evidence, and we totally forgot about the white smoke thing,” the Vatican spokesman said. “We apologize for any misunderstanding this might have caused.”

After cheers went up from the thousands gathered outside the Sistine Chapel, the spokesman said, “We were like, ‘Uh-oh.’ We stopped shoveling papers into the blast furnace immediately.”

“We still have thousands of documents to destroy this week, but we don’t want a replay of what happened today,” he said. “One of the cardinals is going to run out to Staples and get a shredder.”

As the conclave drags on to a third day with still no Pope, the spokesman acknowledged that the cardinals were having a harder time agreeing on a candidate than at the last conclave, in 2005: “This time around, we just don’t have a slam dunk with Hitler Youth experience.”

Reply
This just in . . . March 13, 2013 at 5:12 pm

Vatican Calls White Smoke a False Alarm: “We Were Just Burning Documents”

VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report) — A puff of white smoke over Vatican City today raised hopes among the faithful who jammed St. Peter’s Square until an official spokesman explained that the Vatican was “just burning some documents.”

“Wednesday is the day we traditionally burn documents and other legal evidence, and we totally forgot about the white smoke thing,” the Vatican spokesman said. “We apologize for any misunderstanding this might have caused.”

After cheers went up from the thousands gathered outside the Sistine Chapel, the spokesman said, “We were like, ‘Uh-oh.’ We stopped shoveling papers into the blast furnace immediately.”

“We still have thousands of documents to destroy this week, but we don’t want a replay of what happened today,” he said. “One of the cardinals is going to run out to Staples and get a shredder.”

As the conclave drags on to a third day with still no Pope, the spokesman acknowledged that the cardinals were having a harder time agreeing on a candidate than at the last conclave, in 2005: “This time around, we just don’t have a slam dunk with Hitler Youth experience.”

Reply
Traditions March 13, 2013 at 5:16 pm

A like them little peckers!

Reply
Traditions March 13, 2013 at 5:16 pm

A like them little peckers!

Reply
RHood2 March 13, 2013 at 5:24 pm

He was supposedly the runner-up eight years ago. So saying he wasn’t a front-runner means he wasn’t a front-runner on the radar of folks who have no inside knowledge.
He doesn’t get elected without support of the Americans, who do want the clerical abuse addressed.

Reply
RHood2 March 13, 2013 at 5:24 pm

He was supposedly the runner-up eight years ago. So saying he wasn’t a front-runner means he wasn’t a front-runner on the radar of folks who have no inside knowledge.
He doesn’t get elected without support of the Americans, who do want the clerical abuse addressed.

Reply
shifty henry March 13, 2013 at 5:35 pm

I have hope that in my lifetime there will be selected someone whose pre-Pope name I can pronounce correctly when with my Catholic friends. In honor of this, these are to share:
—–
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. After they have assembled at the meeting hall in the Vatican, the Pope says, “I have good news and also some bad news. The good news is that I just talked to Jesus. He has been resurrected, so our faith in his existence has been justified.”

One of the cardinals stands up and asks, “What’s the bad news?”

The Pope replies, “He was calling from Salt Lake City.”
—–
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says,”Just this once.” When they arrive, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, “Well, all right, as long as you don’t get into the habit.”
—–
Three nuns were walking along the street, and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she had seen in Florida. The second nun, also using her hands, described the huge banana she had seen in Jamaica. The third nun, who was somewhat deaf, asked, “Father who?”

Reply
shifty henry March 13, 2013 at 5:35 pm

I have hope that in my lifetime there will be selected someone whose pre-Pope name I can pronounce correctly when with my Catholic friends. In honor of this, these are to share:
—–
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. After they have assembled at the meeting hall in the Vatican, the Pope says, “I have good news and also some bad news. The good news is that I just talked to Jesus. He has been resurrected, so our faith in his existence has been justified.”

One of the cardinals stands up and asks, “What’s the bad news?”

The Pope replies, “He was calling from Salt Lake City.”
—–
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says,”Just this once.” When they arrive, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, “Well, all right, as long as you don’t get into the habit.”
—–
Three nuns were walking along the street, and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she had seen in Florida. The second nun, also using her hands, described the huge banana she had seen in Jamaica. The third nun, who was somewhat deaf, asked, “Father who?”

Reply
Squishy123 March 13, 2013 at 6:02 pm

So we have a new chief child molester protector.

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 7:41 pm

No. You are Atheist. The Devil LOVES Atheists, You are his….so the Child Molestation is a part of your religion….and you’re too stupid to know that…and the Devil loves it like that…

Reply
St. Peters March 13, 2013 at 7:47 pm

Why have so many Priests molested boys? Did an Atheist just jump in a robe?

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 7:50 pm

They are Disciples of the Devil, the Gay Church or Atheists.
But they ain’t Christians…
Just like Hitler, Stalin, Obama or Mao…when you liberals handi-work manifests..you always flee like the Corrupt Cowards you are…and blame God…

Reply
St. Peters March 13, 2013 at 8:02 pm

How can an Atheist blame God? We can blame sickos who believe in God…

BigT March 13, 2013 at 8:20 pm

When you are Bigots against Christians..and atatck us…you Attack GOD…
And What’s funny: You are SO offended by God…yet tou SWAER he does not exist…
IOW: My Doth Thou Protest…

St. Peters March 13, 2013 at 8:43 pm

I just attacked God! That’s ballsy!! You on the other hand, attacked reason.

Jesus March 13, 2013 at 8:20 pm

My bad. At least four in the top five…

Squishy123 March 13, 2013 at 8:51 pm

I think they’re Catholic.

Please March 13, 2013 at 10:08 pm

Damn, you really are fucking crazy.

Squishy123 March 13, 2013 at 8:51 pm

So if you consider catholic clergy as child molesters, you’re an atheist? So do you have to be a member of NAMBLA to be a Christian?

Reply
Squishy123 March 13, 2013 at 6:02 pm

So we have a new chief child molester protector.

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 7:41 pm

No. You are Atheist. The Devil LOVES Atheists, You are his….so the Child Molestation is a part of your religion….and you’re too stupid to know that…and the Devil loves it like that…

Reply
St. Peters March 13, 2013 at 7:47 pm

Why have so many Priests molested boys? Did an Atheist just jump in a robe?

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 7:50 pm

They are Disciples of the Devil, the Gay Church or Atheists.
But they ain’t Christians…
Just like Hitler, Stalin, Obama or Mao…when you liberals handi-work manifests..you always flee like the Corrupt Cowards you are…and blame God…

Reply
St. Peters March 13, 2013 at 8:02 pm

How can an Atheist blame God? We can blame sickos who believe in God…

BigT March 13, 2013 at 8:20 pm

When you are Bigots against Christians..and atatck us…you Attack GOD…
And What’s funny: You are SO offended by God…yet tou SWAER he does not exist…
IOW: My Doth Thou Protest…

St. Peters March 13, 2013 at 8:43 pm

I just attacked God! That’s ballsy!! You on the other hand, attacked reason.

Jesus March 13, 2013 at 8:20 pm

My bad. At least four in the top five…

Squishy123 March 13, 2013 at 8:51 pm

I think they’re Catholic.

Please March 13, 2013 at 10:08 pm

Damn, you really are fucking crazy.

Squishy123 March 13, 2013 at 8:51 pm

So if you consider catholic clergy as child molesters, you’re an atheist? So do you have to be a member of NAMBLA to be a Christian?

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 7:45 pm

From what I understand, the homosexual Gestapo is trying to infiltrate topple the Catholic Church…even some on the inside are pro-gay…(likey how the child molestors were allowed to perpetuate homosexuality like they did)….
This new Pope is VERY much nn enemy of the left… He will protect the integrity of the church…At least I hope what I hear about him is true…

Could help the Right w/ Latinos, who are fed up w/ the Filth of the left in the US, too…

Reply
Jesus March 13, 2013 at 7:56 pm

We may have the dumbest post of the day, and not doubt Big(0)T has at least three in today’s top five. Congrats!

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 8:18 pm

So you deny that the Gay lobby is trying to get into the church???
Ever hear of the Episcopals and the homeosexual Gestapo trying to take that church over???
It’s funny: You religious Bigots HATE the church and you are Bigots against Christians and you admit it..
But then you use Christianity to try to Beat Christians into follwing your Evil and secular sacraments…
You HATE it…but you’re trying to take it over…

Reply
Jesus March 13, 2013 at 8:52 pm

Gay Christains may concern themselves with it, I would like it if some Christains would stop being bigots. Your Christ wouldn’t be such an asshole as you.

Reply
Smirks March 13, 2013 at 10:27 pm

Gay Gestapos? Do they wear rainbow swastikas? Zieg Heeeeeeeeyl!

Reply
Ken E. March 14, 2013 at 8:05 am

+27

Reply
Bubbas Brother March 14, 2013 at 11:13 am

+23
I’ll see your 27 Ken E and raise you 23 for an even 50 – best three liner of the year Smirks!.

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 7:45 pm

From what I understand, the homosexual Gestapo is trying to infiltrate topple the Catholic Church…even some on the inside are pro-gay…(likey how the child molestors were allowed to perpetuate homosexuality like they did)….
This new Pope is VERY much nn enemy of the left… He will protect the integrity of the church…At least I hope what I hear about him is true…

Could help the Right w/ Latinos, who are fed up w/ the Filth of the left in the US, too…

Reply
Jesus March 13, 2013 at 7:56 pm

We may have the dumbest post of the day, and not doubt Big(0)T has at least three in today’s top five. Congrats!

Reply
BigT March 13, 2013 at 8:18 pm

So you deny that the Gay lobby is trying to get into the church???
Ever hear of the Episcopals and the homeosexual Gestapo trying to take that church over???
It’s funny: You religious Bigots HATE the church and you are Bigots against Christians and you admit it..
But then you use Christianity to try to Beat Christians into follwing your Evil and secular sacraments…
You HATE it…but you’re trying to take it over…

Reply
Jesus March 13, 2013 at 8:52 pm

Gay Christains may concern themselves with it, I would like it if some Christains would stop being bigots. Your Christ wouldn’t be such an asshole as you.

Reply
Smirks March 13, 2013 at 10:27 pm

Gay Gestapos? Do they wear rainbow swastikas? Zieg Heeeeeeeeyl!

Reply
Ken E. March 14, 2013 at 8:05 am

+27

Reply
The Colonel (R) March 14, 2013 at 11:13 am

+23
I’ll see your 27 Ken E and raise you 23 for an even 50 – best three liner of the year Smirks!.

Reply
9" March 13, 2013 at 7:59 pm Reply
9" March 13, 2013 at 7:59 pm Reply
billy bob March 13, 2013 at 8:41 pm

Quite honestly who really fucking cares.

Reply
sid March 14, 2013 at 7:40 am

Catholics, maybe? Argentinians, perhaps? Italians, conceivably? People interested in world events, perchance? I’d say at least a billion people, but none of them probably visit FITS, right?

Reply
BigT March 14, 2013 at 7:59 am

Evidently you care. Or you would not have taken time to spread your hate and filth onto people who admit they care…
My question to you and the Vile and hateful Bigots against Christians: Why do you HATE God, and the people who have faith in Him?…
You are a PRIME example of a secularist, occultist and/or Atheist who acts as if God and the church are meaningless…but you are Desperatly trying to offend both because of your own hatred for others.
There are many like you revealed in The Bible. God has told us about you. TRUTH is why we care…just as Chaos and Hate are what motivates you and the others on here like you…

Reply
billy bob March 13, 2013 at 8:41 pm

Quite honestly who really fucking cares.

Reply
sid March 14, 2013 at 7:40 am

Catholics, maybe? Argentinians, perhaps? Italians, conceivably? People interested in world events, perchance? I’d say at least a billion people, but none of them probably visit FITS, right?

Reply
BigT March 14, 2013 at 7:59 am

Evidently you care. Or you would not have taken time to spread your hate and filth onto people who admit they care…
My question to you and the Vile and hateful Bigots against Christians: Why do you HATE God, and the people who have faith in Him?…
You are a PRIME example of a secularist, occultist and/or Atheist who acts as if God and the church are meaningless…but you are Desperatly trying to offend both because of your own hatred for others.
There are many like you revealed in The Bible. God has told us about you. TRUTH is why we care…just as Chaos and Hate are what motivates you and the others on here like you…

Reply
The Inquisitor March 13, 2013 at 11:25 pm

If I am a newly elected Pope and one of my problems is homosexual priests, is naming myself Francis helping matters?

Reply
The Inquisitor March 13, 2013 at 11:25 pm

If I am a newly elected Pope and one of my problems is homosexual priests, is naming myself Francis helping matters?

Reply
Tom March 14, 2013 at 11:00 am

Big T, Big T, Big T, be careful what you wish for. While Pope Francis might hit all your social conservative boxes, he is a Socialist. He has spent much of his early years calling out you right wing capitalists for the anti-Christian philosophy you hold. In his country he supported among other things increased spending on public education and universal health care.

“Civil society, of which the Church is a part, has a clear role to play in demanding that debt service not take precedence over human development once reasonable efforts have been expended to pay the debt. We live, apparently, in the most unequal part of the world, which has grown the most yet reduced misery the least. The unjust distribution of goods persists, creating a situation of social sin that cries out to Heaven and limits the possibilities of a fuller life for so many of our brothers.” -Cardinal Bergoglio

Reply
BigT March 14, 2013 at 4:46 pm

LMAO: He’s talking about a Liberal, Obama-like Facist Elitist gobbling up the wealth, not earing it….and living like a king off the peopel (sounds just like Obama)…
The Pope was deposed by the liberal president and hated by the liberal Jesuits, who think secular pop culture (gays) should be allowed to overtake the church…
This is a BIG wion for the Right. And a BIG poke in the Eye to the left and the Media…
The media HATES this guy passionately….

Reply
Jan March 14, 2013 at 6:32 pm

You don’t have a clue what you are talking about. Only people like you hate. He was not hated by other Jesuits and so far the media loves him. Who told you that crap? Or did you just make it up, as you usually do? Your lying skills have deteriorated over the years. Your lies are more transparent than ever.

By American standards, Pope Francis is a social conservative and a fiscal liberal. His past indicates he believes governments have a moral obligation to provide services to the poor and to….wait for it, reasonably redistribute wealth to achieve social justice. The name he has chosen indicates he believes Christians should shun the accumulation of worldly wealth. By world standards he is a moderate Socialist. By Tea Party standards he is a far left Communist.

By the way if you want to see a typical Fascist mentality, in the mode of Hitler, look in the mirror. If you had been a resident of Germany in the 1920s you would have donned a brown shirt and Goosed stepped with the best of them.

Reply
Tom March 14, 2013 at 11:00 am

Big T, Big T, Big T, be careful what you wish for. While Pope Francis might hit all your social conservative boxes, he is a Socialist. He has spent much of his early years calling out you right wing capitalists for the anti-Christian philosophy you hold. In his country he supported among other things increased spending on public education and universal health care.

“Civil society, of which the Church is a part, has a clear role to play in demanding that debt service not take precedence over human development once reasonable efforts have been expended to pay the debt. We live, apparently, in the most unequal part of the world, which has grown the most yet reduced misery the least. The unjust distribution of goods persists, creating a situation of social sin that cries out to Heaven and limits the possibilities of a fuller life for so many of our brothers.” -Cardinal Bergoglio

Reply
BigT March 14, 2013 at 4:46 pm

LMAO: He’s talking about a Liberal, Obama-like Facist Elitist gobbling up the wealth, not earing it….and living like a king off the peopel (sounds just like Obama)…
The Pope was deposed by the liberal president and hated by the liberal Jesuits, who think secular pop culture (gays) should be allowed to overtake the church…
This is a BIG wion for the Right. And a BIG poke in the Eye to the left and the Media…
The media HATES this guy passionately….

Reply
Jan March 14, 2013 at 6:32 pm

You don’t have a clue what you are talking about. Only people like you hate. He was not hated by other Jesuits and so far the media loves him. Who told you that crap? Or did you just make it up, as you usually do? Your lying skills have deteriorated over the years. Your lies are more transparent than ever.

By American standards, Pope Francis is a social conservative and a fiscal liberal. His past indicates he believes governments have a moral obligation to provide services to the poor and to….wait for it, reasonably redistribute wealth to achieve social justice. The name he has chosen indicates he believes Christians should shun the accumulation of worldly wealth. By world standards he is a moderate Socialist. By Tea Party standards he is a far left Communist.

By the way if you want to see a typical Fascist mentality, in the mode of Hitler, look in the mirror. If you had been a resident of Germany in the 1920s you would have donned a brown shirt and Goosed stepped with the best of them.

Reply
This just in . . . March 14, 2013 at 11:54 am

Unsuccessful Pope Candidate Blames Media

VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report) — This wasn’t how it was supposed to play out.

For Cardinal Bonifacius Steuer, last night was supposed to be a time of celebration, when the Dutchman who had dreamed of being Pope ever since his boyhood days in Rotterdam
would finally stand on the balcony at the Vatican, basking in the cheers of thousands of the euphoric faithful.

There are no cheers for Bonifacius Steuer today. Only empty silence, and time to reflect on what might have been.

“Look, I’m not going to lie to you,” Cardinal Steuer said, in his first interview since his bruising defeat. “It kills me not to be there, not to be in the Vatican doing what needs to be done.”

While Steuer said that he is “not going to get into that whole blame-game thing,” he sounded bitter when he spoke about the mainstream media. “People weren’t allowed to see me for who I was,” he said. “They made me look like I’m some rich, rich guy, when you know that I’m as poor as a church mouse.”

But what closed the deal for Pope Francis, Steuer believes, was his outreach to the poor, which the Dutchman calls a “failed policy of the past.”

“Look, if you go around saying, ‘the poor this, the poor that,’ you’re going to get a lot of support from people who want free stuff,” he said. “Francis’s campaign, if you will, focussed on giving targeted groups a big gift.”

Reflecting on the two-day conclave that chose someone else, Steuer was philosophical: “We were on a roller coaster, exciting and thrilling, ups and downs. But the ride ends. And then you get off. And it’s not like, oh, can’t we be on a roller coaster the rest of our life? It’s like, no, the ride’s over.”

Steuer said it’s “too early” to talk about his future plans, but that he first intends to sit down with his closest advisers to reflect on what went wrong this time around. “I’m going to meet with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and I’m going to be like, ‘Come on, guys, don’t
hold back,’” he said.

But even as he sounded an aggrieved note as he spoke about “the hand I was dealt,” Steuer seemed to reserve his harshest criticism for one person: himself.

“Look, at the end of the day, this is on me,” he said. “This was all about getting enough Catholic votes, and I didn’t get it done.”

Reply
This just in . . . March 14, 2013 at 11:54 am

Unsuccessful Pope Candidate Blames Media

VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report) — This wasn’t how it was supposed to play out.

For Cardinal Bonifacius Steuer, last night was supposed to be a time of celebration, when the Dutchman who had dreamed of being Pope ever since his boyhood days in Rotterdam
would finally stand on the balcony at the Vatican, basking in the cheers of thousands of the euphoric faithful.

There are no cheers for Bonifacius Steuer today. Only empty silence, and time to reflect on what might have been.

“Look, I’m not going to lie to you,” Cardinal Steuer said, in his first interview since his bruising defeat. “It kills me not to be there, not to be in the Vatican doing what needs to be done.”

While Steuer said that he is “not going to get into that whole blame-game thing,” he sounded bitter when he spoke about the mainstream media. “People weren’t allowed to see me for who I was,” he said. “They made me look like I’m some rich, rich guy, when you know that I’m as poor as a church mouse.”

But what closed the deal for Pope Francis, Steuer believes, was his outreach to the poor, which the Dutchman calls a “failed policy of the past.”

“Look, if you go around saying, ‘the poor this, the poor that,’ you’re going to get a lot of support from people who want free stuff,” he said. “Francis’s campaign, if you will, focussed on giving targeted groups a big gift.”

Reflecting on the two-day conclave that chose someone else, Steuer was philosophical: “We were on a roller coaster, exciting and thrilling, ups and downs. But the ride ends. And then you get off. And it’s not like, oh, can’t we be on a roller coaster the rest of our life? It’s like, no, the ride’s over.”

Steuer said it’s “too early” to talk about his future plans, but that he first intends to sit down with his closest advisers to reflect on what went wrong this time around. “I’m going to meet with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and I’m going to be like, ‘Come on, guys, don’t
hold back,’” he said.

But even as he sounded an aggrieved note as he spoke about “the hand I was dealt,” Steuer seemed to reserve his harshest criticism for one person: himself.

“Look, at the end of the day, this is on me,” he said. “This was all about getting enough Catholic votes, and I didn’t get it done.”

Reply
FixIt March 14, 2013 at 2:05 pm

The “lady” that was named Bishop of the South Carolina Conference of the United Methodist Church, Virginia Taylor, was awful. She reportedly hired her husband at a salary of around 110K, built a swimming pool and horse stable at her church-owned property with church funds designated for the poor, gave her daughter a very plumb position with her organization, and just generally abused her position. Also, some pretty shady dealings that she really should have been indicted for have been reported. State grand jury should investigate her, if you really want the facts.
I hope that the Catholic bishop does much better than Virginia Taylor. Of course, this isn’t a very high standard.

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Please March 14, 2013 at 10:12 pm

You know that Methodists aren’t Catholics, right?

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FixIt March 14, 2013 at 2:05 pm

The “lady” that was named Bishop of the South Carolina Conference of the United Methodist Church, Virginia Taylor, was awful. She reportedly hired her husband at a salary of around 110K, built a swimming pool and horse stable at her church-owned property with church funds designated for the poor, gave her daughter a very plumb position with her organization, and just generally abused her position. Also, some pretty shady dealings that she really should have been indicted for have been reported. State grand jury should investigate her, if you really want the facts.
I hope that the Catholic bishop does much better than Virginia Taylor. Of course, this isn’t a very high standard.

Reply
Please March 14, 2013 at 10:12 pm

You know that Methodists aren’t Catholics, right?

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