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Pope Benedict: So Long, Suckas!

Pope Benedict XVI will formally relinquish his leadership of the Roman Catholic Church on February 28 – becoming the first pontiff to resign his office in nearly 600 years. “After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age,…

pope benedict resigns

Pope Benedict XVI will formally relinquish his leadership of the Roman Catholic Church on February 28 – becoming the first pontiff to resign his office in nearly 600 years.

“After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine Ministry,” the 85-year-old pontiff told cardinals this week. “I am well aware that this ministry, due to its essential spiritual nature, must be carried out not only by words and deeds but no less with prayer and suffering.”

Benedict’s resignation means a papal conclave will be convened immediately in the hopes of electing his successor prior to Easter. In fact the Vatican declared as much in an official statement.

While not unprecedented, Benedict’s resignation is unheard of in the modern age. In fact the last time a pope resigned the printing press had yet to be invented.

What other popes have stepped down? Well, Pope Celestine V resigned in 1294 – shortly after issuing an edict legalizing papal resignation. Meanwhile Pope Gregory XII resigned in 1415 to put an end to a Papal Schism.

It hasn’t happened since, though …

Benedict, a German, became Pope in 2005 following the death of the immensely popular John Paul II – who reigned for nearly thirty years and traveled the world on behalf of the church. Given his advanced years Benedict was more of a “stay-at-home” Pope – and his declining health limited him to just a pair of visits abroad in 2012.

Catholics view the Pope as the apostolic successor of Saint Peter, the rock upon which Jesus Christ built his church. He is said to have a “direct line” to the Almighty – meaning his pronouncements are held as the divinely inspired will of God.

According to the 2012 Annuario Pontifico, there were 1.196 billion Catholics worldwide in 2010 – the latest year for which data is available. That’s roughly 17 percent of the world’s population. In America there are approximately 75 million Catholics – which equals roughly one out of every four United States citizens.

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48 comments

Smirks February 11, 2013 at 10:05 am

Perhaps God forced him to submit his resignation?

Reply
Smirks February 11, 2013 at 9:05 am

Perhaps God forced him to submit his resignation?

Reply
Smirks February 11, 2013 at 10:07 am

On a related note, we can downvote posts now. Oh boy. That’s totally not going to result in dissenting views being buried.

Reply
BeaufortTiger February 11, 2013 at 10:29 am

BigT sighting in 3…2…1…

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PanT February 11, 2013 at 1:59 pm

You think BigT will sign in with his FB log?

Reply
Smirks February 11, 2013 at 9:07 am

On a related note, we can downvote posts now. Oh boy. That’s totally not going to result in dissenting views being buried.

Reply
BeaufortTiger February 11, 2013 at 9:29 am

BigT sighting in 3…2…1…

Reply
PanT February 11, 2013 at 12:59 pm

You think BigT will sign in with his FB log?

Reply
Bodini February 11, 2013 at 10:29 am

Does he get to keep his ring. Do people have to kiss it? Does he get a pension?

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Bubbas Brother February 11, 2013 at 2:35 pm

No, no and yes. After a “vacation” at Castel Gandolfo, the Pope’s “summer home” he will move to a cloistered monastery.

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Bodini February 11, 2013 at 9:29 am

Does he get to keep his ring. Do people have to kiss it? Does he get a pension?

Reply
The Colonel (R) February 11, 2013 at 1:35 pm

No, no and yes. After a “vacation” at Castel Gandolfo, the Pope’s “summer home” he will move to a cloistered monastery.

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Liberal=Science=Equality February 11, 2013 at 10:59 am

Why is “Where The Boys Are” stuck in my head?

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Hot Air Balloon February 11, 2013 at 9:59 am

Why is “Where The Boys Are” stuck in my head?

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Same ol' Same ol' February 11, 2013 at 11:03 am

Shouldn’t that be billion?

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Same ol' Same ol' February 11, 2013 at 10:03 am

Shouldn’t that be billion?

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Halfvast Conspirator February 11, 2013 at 11:12 am

Will they select a gay or lesbian for the next pope? You know, just to be in tune with the modern world?

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Halfvast Conspirator February 11, 2013 at 10:12 am

Will they select a gay or lesbian for the next pope? You know, just to be in tune with the modern world?

Reply
LawdyLawdy February 11, 2013 at 11:27 am

This crowd needs to let their priests marry. Next they need to sell all that gold and art and give the proceeds to the poor. They need to accept gays (since their own ranks are filled with them). They need to become more genuine and humble and tolerant. I do hope lawyers will sue the Pope personally for crimes and offenses of pedophilia once he becomes a private citizen.

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LawdyLawdy February 11, 2013 at 10:27 am

This crowd needs to let their priests marry. Next they need to sell all that gold and art and give the proceeds to the poor. They need to accept gays (since their own ranks are filled with them). They need to become more genuine and humble and tolerant. I do hope lawyers will sue the Pope personally for crimes and offenses of pedophilia once he becomes a private citizen.

Reply
GreenvilleLwyr February 11, 2013 at 11:55 am

I didn’t know covering for pedophiles was a health issue. Does BCBS cover that?

Reply
GreenvilleLwyr February 11, 2013 at 10:55 am

I didn’t know covering for pedophiles was a health issue. Does BCBS cover that?

Reply
GreenvilleLwyr February 11, 2013 at 12:00 pm

“1.196 million Catholics worldwide”

“In America there are approximately 75 million Catholics”

So the editing on the new site is still shit…

Reply
GreenvilleLwyr February 11, 2013 at 11:00 am

“1.196 million Catholics worldwide”

“In America there are approximately 75 million Catholics”

So the editing on the new site is still shit…

Reply
Vanguard16 February 11, 2013 at 1:34 pm

Why is all the Popes have one foot in the grave when they are selected?

Reply
Vanguard16 February 11, 2013 at 12:34 pm

Why is all the Popes have one foot in the grave when they are selected?

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Bubbas Brother February 11, 2013 at 1:37 pm

Fire your editor: “…there were 1.196 million Catholics worldwide in 2010 – the latest year for which data is available. That’s roughly 17 percent of the world’s population. In America there are approximately 75 million Catholics – which equals roughly one out of every four United States citizens.”

I think the Annuario Pontifico said there were 1.196 Billion Catholics worldwide.

Aww, never mind, in the spirit of pontifical forgiveness don’t fire your editor. Big T probably wouldn’t be able to find another job in this economy.

Oh, The Colonel has changed his name to sync his smart ass commenting on multiple sites.

Reply
The Colonel (R) February 11, 2013 at 12:37 pm

Fire your editor: “…there were 1.196 million Catholics worldwide in 2010 – the latest year for which data is available. That’s roughly 17 percent of the world’s population. In America there are approximately 75 million Catholics – which equals roughly one out of every four United States citizens.”

I think the Annuario Pontifico said there were 1.196 Billion Catholics worldwide.

Aww, never mind, in the spirit of pontifical forgiveness don’t fire your editor. Big T probably wouldn’t be able to find another job in this economy.

Oh, The Colonel has changed his name to sync his smart ass commenting on multiple sites.

Reply
Isotope Soap February 11, 2013 at 3:05 pm

Looks like he’s lurching at a band of young boys.

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Isotope Soap February 11, 2013 at 2:05 pm

Looks like he’s lurching at a band of young boys.

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Isotope Soap February 11, 2013 at 3:07 pm

Looks like he’s lurching at a band of young boys.

Reply
John Boy February 11, 2013 at 2:07 pm

Looks like he’s lurching at a band of young boys.

Reply
2big2fall February 11, 2013 at 4:03 pm

Must have downvote….NOW!

Reply
2big2fall February 11, 2013 at 3:03 pm

Must have downvote….NOW!

Reply
2big2fall February 11, 2013 at 4:06 pm

Google “Did Will Folks Really Poke SC Governor Nikki Haley?”
See Shocking Video Result!

Reply
2big2fall February 11, 2013 at 3:06 pm

Google “Did Will Folks Really Poke SC Governor Nikki Haley?”
See Shocking Video Result!

Reply
RHood2 February 11, 2013 at 5:45 pm

I think your math is off on the number of Catholics worldwide. a billion?

Reply
RHood2 February 11, 2013 at 4:45 pm

I think your math is off on the number of Catholics worldwide. a billion?

Reply
Major Cordite February 11, 2013 at 9:36 pm

Sources say the Pope has bought a john boat and he is going to retire to a small Swiss chalet and take up fishing with a lady friend. The lady friend is an ex nun and said she just wanted to change her habit. She says she gave “Bennie” a nice styrofoam minnow bucket for Xmas. I wish them well.

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Major Cordite February 11, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Sources say the Pope has bought a john boat and he is going to retire to a small Swiss chalet and take up fishing with a lady friend. The lady friend is an ex nun and said she just wanted to change her habit. She says she gave “Bennie” a nice styrofoam minnow bucket for Xmas. I wish them well.

Reply
This just in . . . February 11, 2013 at 10:43 pm

Pope’s Decision to Come Out of Retirement Stirs Controversy

VATICAN (The Borowitz Report) — Pope Benedict XVI stunned the world for the second time in twenty-four hours today by announcing his decision to come out of retirement.

“I thought I was getting too old for this,” the Pope explained via his Twitter account, “but I’ve still got plenty left in the tank.”

The Pope’s abrupt unretirement left many fans wondering if his original decision was little more than a publicity stunt, but according to one Vatican source, “The situation was a lot more complicated than people know.”

“The Vatican doesn’t make resigning your job as Pope an easy thing to do,” the source said. “In his exit interview, they told him he would have to agree not to sign with another organized religion for three years. Plus, he was going to have to give his 1.5 million Twitter followers back to the Church. The Twitter thing was the deal-breaker.”

For his part, the newly unretired Pope took to his Twitter feed to announce his return in a nonchalant way: “So it turns out I’m not infallible. #FTW.”

Reply
This just in . . . February 11, 2013 at 9:43 pm

Pope’s Decision to Come Out of Retirement Stirs Controversy

VATICAN (The Borowitz Report) — Pope Benedict XVI stunned the world for the second time in twenty-four hours today by announcing his decision to come out of retirement.

“I thought I was getting too old for this,” the Pope explained via his Twitter account, “but I’ve still got plenty left in the tank.”

The Pope’s abrupt unretirement left many fans wondering if his original decision was little more than a publicity stunt, but according to one Vatican source, “The situation was a lot more complicated than people know.”

“The Vatican doesn’t make resigning your job as Pope an easy thing to do,” the source said. “In his exit interview, they told him he would have to agree not to sign with another organized religion for three years. Plus, he was going to have to give his 1.5 million Twitter followers back to the Church. The Twitter thing was the deal-breaker.”

For his part, the newly unretired Pope took to his Twitter feed to announce his return in a nonchalant way: “So it turns out I’m not infallible. #FTW.”

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fatalbert2013 February 12, 2013 at 6:47 am

Think the Pontiff may have got caught with his hands in the cookie jar….or whatever else you can think of. GreenvilleLwyr ‘s comment is right on target!

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Dominick Carrullo February 12, 2013 at 5:47 am

Think the Pontiff may have got caught with his hands in the cookie jar….or whatever else you can think of. GreenvilleLwyr ‘s comment is right on target!

Reply
Mr. Politically Correct February 15, 2013 at 4:44 pm

Looks like a black man is getting the white pope’s sloppy seconds. History repeating itself.

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Mr. Politically Correct February 15, 2013 at 3:44 pm

Looks like a black man is getting the white pope’s sloppy seconds. History repeating itself.

Reply
shifty henry February 16, 2013 at 7:56 pm

I’ve dated several nuns and they were fun to be with except for one irritating thing.

Reply
shifty henry February 16, 2013 at 6:56 pm

I’ve dated several nuns and they were fun to be with except for one irritating thing.

Reply

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