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If there’s one thing I’ve made clear in my writings for FITSNews, it is this: The federal government sucks at 99% of everything they do.
It wasn’t too long ago I would’ve excluded the military from that list, but if “General” Mark Milley represents even a tiny fraction of a fraction of the military, that too is lost. It seems the military’s directive to “hurt people and break things” has been handed over to the DOJ and their Brown Shirts in the FBI.
But, in the pile of dog mess we call Washington, D.C, there is actually one thing they’re good at. Yes, it’s always 50-times over budget and 5-years later than promised, but that one thing is “buying bad-ass technology for the military.”
There are countless examples of how awesome our nation’s military technology is:
- The F-22 fighter jet is so freaking far advanced, they’ve stopped making them. Why? It literally doesn’t have a worthy enemy anywhere in the world. Our dual-purpose fighter/bombers are so advanced, they can defeat any enemy fighters on earth. The F-22 is strictly a fighter, and apparently overkill. So… we’re ceasing production on a fighter that’s so good, it’s too good.
- An SR-71 Habu flying at Mach 3.3 at 80,000’ could take photos of an object on the ground with 6” resolution. It could outrun any missile made. And it was retired only because our satellites have become even more awesome than that.
- The Phalanx weapon system, which protects Navy ships from incoming aircraft and missiles, fires 4,500 rounds per minute, and when engaged is so sensitive it can detect the movement of a seagull.
All this is to say that if you think the White House is baffled about what the New Jersey region drones are, rest easy. They aren’t. They know exactly what they are, who they belong to, and where they park when the evening’s droning duty is over.
The best theory I’ve heard is that the drones are deploying our (as usual) awesome technology that sniffs out radiation sources. Why? The whisper-stream is that some terrorist outfit got a suitcase nuke or a dirty bomb into the States. I would’ve rejected that a few years ago, because these turbo sniffers are all over our ports systems — but it’s entirely possible someone dragged a bomb across the border.
And yes, it’s true, “suitcase nukes” are a real thing — and it’s been widely reported, and confirmed by the Russian government, they’ve “lost” somewhere along the order of 100 of them. If it’s a dirty bomb, they wouldn’t even need a nuclear detonation… it simply involves a conventional explosion that spreads radioactive material into an area.
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This would make for a lousy January 20th on the Mall if it happens — made worse by the fact a bunch of Hollywood libs are shrieking they’re going to “boycott” the inauguration, and might not be there.
What else could the drones be used for?
I’ve compiled a list:
The administration of Joe Biden is scouring the region for additional felons to pardon, as The Big Guy wants to be remembered for something — and “record number of pardons” is the only possibility left.
Outgoing FBI director Christopher Wray is using the technology to map out the homes of Donald Trump’s octogenarian friends, in hopes of launching a few pre-dawn SWAT raids to kill a few of these desperadoes before Inauguration Day.
It’s certainly possible Anthony Fauci is searching the region for people with a cough-due-to-cold, in hopes of tricking at least one American to take his latest death booster.
Milley is also a likely suspect, using the drones to find the location of the lowest profile plastic surgeon, where he will finally get those breast implants, and his junk cut off.

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Another suspect would be special counsel Jack Smith, looking for real estate attorneys who might hire him as a paralegal after he is disbarred.
A good bit of smart money is being placed on a suspicious threesome — Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Kamala Harris — who may well be surveying the number of stores licensed to sell wine and beer, with the intention of cornering the tri-state market on boxed White Zinfandel.
Some are positing that New York attorney general Letitia James may have hacked into this federal firepower and is looking to see if there’s a prison close enough for her relatives to visit.
Another logical threesome using the drones might be James Comey, Peter Strzock and Lisa Page, searching for attics and basements where they hope to disprove the Vandellas lyrical belief that “there’s no place to run to, Baby, no place to hide.”
It’s a long shot, but some believe Sonia Sotomayor is sniffing around for a high school grad who passed civics, and could act as a stand-in for her during the Q&A part of a SCOTUS hearing.
There’s a decent chance the culprit is Barack Obama, who’s searching for the storage space needed to hide the 21,000,000 unclaimed copies of his books purchased by liberal supporters who had no intention of reading them.
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Based on the drone features, it could be Elon Musk calculating the value of New Jersey, which he plans to purchase, level and re-develop as a place to test driverless cars, rockets and sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.
It might also be American technology on loan to Volodymyr Zelenskyy, which is being used to search out a garment factory to manufacture his new line of crew-neck jerseys under the brand, “I’m personally at war, and don’t have time for all those Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes.”
There’s no direct evidence, but some say the drones are actually the property of several Ivy League schools whose rabidly pro-Palestinian students are using them to track down addresses of “those dirty Jews” that “need a Holocaust 2.0.”
Jussie Smollett is another longshot, using the drone tech to find a place outside “Maga Country,” devoid of White male terrorists and stores selling rope, but with easy access to a Subway sandwich artist.
There are endless ways this drone technology could be deployed, but the oldest saying in detective work is “follow the money.” That would point to the Bidens, Obamas, and the Clintons, because of course it does.
In closing, let me be clear that I did not kill myself.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’
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2 comments
Some strong possibilities there!??
The answer is as obvious as the MAGA on your hat. They are Jewish space lasers let loose upon the East coast. Check with Marjorie Taylor-Greene.