Saturday is always a busy day for members of the GOP, but fortunately we are emailed a directive Thursday evening, which provides us time to plan.
It’s not easy dedicating every Saturday to the furtherance of intolerance, but it is burden we must bear. Some Saturdays we’d prefer to sit on the coach and watch important movies like The Outlaw Josie Wales, Terminator, Animal House, and Talladega Nights, but if we don’t oppress others then the job may not be done properly. If not us, who? If not now, when?
Here is this past Saturday’s schedule:
7:00 – 8:00 am: Drink Black Rifle Coffee, scroll through the news, re-re-re-re-read Mein Kampf. Practice making menacing faces in the mirror. Dash off emails to elected representatives demanding tax cuts for billionaires and increased logging in the Brazilian rainforests.
8:00 – 8:15 am: Conduct mind exercises to paralyze all empathy and compassion for fellow man.
8:15 – 8:30 am: Clean weapons, while attending zoom meeting on techniques for honing hate speech techniques.
8:30 – 9:00 am: Compose mean tweets targeting those less fortunate, while listening to Alex Jones’ podcast. Confirm appointment for swastika tattoo. Turn on all water faucets full blast.
9:00 – 10:00 am: Breakfast of veal, eagle eggs, white toast, and grits, while watching Youtube videos exploring more effective triggering and micro-aggression techniques. Write script for new Tik-Tok video—this month’s theme is insulting anyone who isn’t a white, Anglo-Saxon, straight, toxic man.
10:00 – 11:00 am: Calls to poor people telling them to get a job, and liberal charities making false monetary pledges. Post on Facebook demands for more strip mining and the need to eliminate the EPA. Listen to NPR to increase the rage needed for next item.
11:00 – Noon: Drive the neighborhood yelling racial slurs. Bomb the closest Planned Parenthood clinic. Tape bacon to the front door of the local mosque. Put grease on handicapped ramps. Tell a homeless person you want to help, but they’ll need to break a hundred.
Noon – 1:00 pm: Rifle and pistol target practice with body-armor-piercing exploding hollow-point 100 caliber ammo. (Note: Do not forget to bring targets with hands-up silhouette). Rig bomb to place outside immigrant assistance center.
1:00 – 1:30 pm: Lunch of lamb, beef and cheese sandwich, pork rinds, and a plastic bottle of water. Throw plastic bottle into a ditch. Menace minority children.
1:30 – 2:15 pm: Protest outside closest federal government building demanding more foreign wars and increased support of the military-industrial complex. Dump unused medication into storm drain. Insurrect.
2:15 – 2:30 pm: Visit library, seek out science books, and write “All lies!” in Sharpie marker on every cover. Check out all books except the Bible, and burn them in a dumpster fire.
2:30 – 3:00 pm: Q-Anon Zoom meeting for updates on sitings of shape-shifting lizard.
3:00 – 4:00 pm: Watch NASCAR, unless Bubba Wallace or Danica Patrick are racing. Snack on shark fin chips. Plot means to disenfranchise voters.
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4:00 – 5:00 pm: Offer to help your wife with the housework, then laugh, sit on the porch, and yell at kids to get off your lawn. Fat shame the chubby ones.
5:00 – 6:00 pm: Drink whiskey and stand in your front yard, holding a weapon of war literally built only to kill humans, and wave a Confederate battle flag at your neighbors out for a stroll. When police arrive, watch and cheer as they gun down everyone not wearing a MAGA hat.
6:00 – 6:15 pm: Return to your porch and call in bomb threats to DNC headquarters and charities focused on ending hunger in America.
6:15 – 7:00 pm: Sit for dinner prepared by wife. Take one bite, scrape it into the garbage, and say, “Nice try, Toots. How about making something a starving wolf would be willing to eat.”
7:00 – 9:00 pm: Guzzle beer, watch Fox News, and scream at your kids that the country is going to hell in handbasket. During commercials, flip to CNN and scream at the commentators.
9:00 – 11:00 pm: Drive drunkenly around town, revving your engine and road raging. Stop by the local kids hangout, and yell that they should love America, or leave it. Park in front a gay bar and bellow they’re all going to hell. Scream at anyone with an accent they need to “Talk American!” Report for tattoo appointment.
11:00 – 11:10 pm: Arrive home, turn off faucets, fall drunkenly into bed, hog the covers, and snore.
I know, I know … you’re a little embarrassed you aren’t carrying your share of the load. You aren’t spending enough time belittling people not exactly like you, practicing your gunslinging, and sharpening your skills as “The Man.”
You should, in fact, be a lot embarrassed, because people like me are carrying the future of our great nation on our shoulders. Do you have any idea how hard it is to cram all that anger, intolerance, prejudice, and judgement into a single day? Then do it all over again the next Saturday? That’s not including a full workweek of sexually harassing females, dodging hiring quotas, battling workers who want a living wage, and sorting through resumes looking for White candidates. If you want things to return to the good old days of Jim Crow, you’re gonna need to pitch in.
Please let me know how you can assist the cause in the comments section.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
(Via: Provided)
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile.
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