HARLEM PASTOR CLAIMS COFFEE “FLAVORED WITH THE SEMEN OF SODOMITES”
By FITSNEWS || Our founding editor is escaping his rural South Carolina compound this morning for a series of high-level, post-election meetings in downtown Columbia, S.C.
His preparation for such ventures into the wild usually involves taking a long-overdue shower, dressing himself in something other than Indianapolis Colts’ sweatpants, procuring enough quarters to fend off the city government’s parking Nazis and … last but not least … agreeing upon a location for the meeting that serves legal liquid stimulants.
Typically, the preferred location is “Drip” (in the Five Points region of the city) because it’s African and South American-themed coffees are basically the equivalent of liquid crack. The Gourmet Shop (also in Five Points) is another favorite.
And of course you can’t go wrong with Starbucks, right?
Um … right?
According to one New York City pastor, you can go wrong with Starbucks. Very wrong.
Pastor James David Manning of the ATLAH World Missionary Church in Harlem says Starbucks is a breeding ground for the deadly Ebola virus – which he maintains is being spread by “upscale sodomites.”
When Manning’s church was protested over his anti-gay comments, he ramped up his rhetoric – claiming Starbucks is frequented by Sodomites and that “a lot of body fluids are exchanged there.”
That’s not all though, according to Manning. Citing a satirical news report he took to be the truth, the coffee giant is actually putting those bodily fluids in its drinks.
“The thing that I was not aware of is that … what Starbucks was doing, is they were taking specimens of male semen, and they were putting it in the blends of their lattes,” Manning said. “It’s the absolute truth. They’re using male semen, and putting it into the blends of coffees that they sell. My suspicion is that they’re getting their semen from sodomites. Semen flavors up the coffee, and makes you thinks you’re having a good time.”
Here’s a video of Manning’s commentary …
(Click to play)
There are few things I find off limits
However a healthy dose of semen and coffee at 9 o’clock in the morning makes one want to drive over to the Clyburn Memorial and have one’s windshield cleaned
I’m shocked … shocked! … that there are secret, back room, political meetings downtown this quickly after an election.
So, who’s paying for the coffee and donuts?
According to the pastor, the donuts are probably glazed.
lulz….this is who Jesus has selected to convince others that he was the Son of God.
Black preachers yelling unintelligbly stupid things from the pulpit? This is news?
When white preachers do it, then it’s newsworthy.
I love the deer in the headlights look I get from the attendants at Starbucks when I order a black coffee. It’s like they don’t know what to do.
That is just racist. We gonna march on you.
I don’t add any cream because I don’t want to be ostracized for not being black enough.
“My sperm shake brings all the boys to the yard.”
I’m sorry, I’ll probably be called a racist AND homophobic, but I am RuPaul intolerant, as a beverage additive.
If semen tasted like a pumpkin spiced latte i might have changed teams.
I would ask how you know that it doesn’t, but I really don’t want to know.
“I would ask how you know that it doesn’t, but I really don’t want to know”
You are too funny these days, CIC! LOL+
I guess Cream of Sumyungai isn’t just for Chinese restaurants anymore.
Bible Brain Teaser – just for fun (I’m guessing which 5 of you will solve this one). In the paragraph below there are the names of 16 books of the Bible. See how many you can find.
I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu; kept people looking so hard for facts…and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will
be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so that she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books of the Bible in this paragraph.
Brain Teaser 2 – The names of 22 books of the Bible are “hidden” in the paragraph below. See how many you can find. This one is a little more difficult .
One man from Illinois worked on this while fishing from his john boat. Roy Clark studied it while playing his banjo. Elaine Victs mentioned it in her column once. One woman judges the job to be so involving, she brews a cup of tea to help calm her nerves. There will be some names that are really easy to spot … that’s a fact. Some people will soon find themselves in a jam, especially since the book names are not necessarily capitalized. The truth is, from answers we get, we are forced to admit it usually takes a minister or scholar to see some of them at the worst. Something in our genes is responsible for the difficulty
we have. Those able to find all of them will hear great lamentations from those who have to be shown. One revelation may help, books like Timothy and Samuel
may occur without their numbers. And punctuation or spaces in the middle are normal. A chipper attitude will help you compete. Remember, there are 22 books
of the Bible lurking somewhere in this paragraph.
Brain Teaser 3 – This is the long one, but if anyone wants to share it with your church or friends then I will post it.
Find all the books of the bible in the paragraphs below (not counting 1’s and 2’s). See how many of the 59 you can find.
Goddamn, shit. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! I really don’t know what to think. I want to believe this is a stupid hoax, but the Inquisitr article referenced is really not that convincing, one way or the other. If this were about McDonald’s or Burger King, I would not have a hard time believing it.
Here is the Inquisitr article:
Maybe my reading comprehension is shot. Maybe it’s just that I just woke up (to be greeted with this shit, and talk about a slap in the face) and haven’t had my daily shot of caffeine yet (and probably won’t, today). Maybe I’ll wake up to find this whole thing is part of one of those really f’d up bad dreams I have from time to time.
I’m not a religious person but I have enjoyed watching Rev Manning’s commentaries for the past few years. If nothing else, the guy can get a laugh or few out of me. This morning, I’m not laughing. I want to throw up.
Part of what is really bugging me about this shit, is that for someone to make a claim like this, it either is true or the person has balls big enough to inseminate every Starbucks in the country, because you know this is going to hurt their business and they are going to sue the hell out of them.
If Obama hasn’t assassinated him with a drone strike for being called a long legged mack-daddy faggot by this guy all these years, I don’t think Starbucks can touch him.
Muddying the water even more is the Snopes article on this. They “discredit” the source of this claim by saying they also had articles claiming that Justin Beiber is bisexual and that the 2014 Super Bowl was rigged. Geeze, somehow that is little comfort to me. Really, is it hard for anyone to believe that obnoxious, fruity, little fucker might be bisexual? I don’t keep up with sports that much, but in this day of corruption to the core of everything, how hard would it be to imagine it infiltrating something like the Super Bowl?
Guess who wants to quit the bakery and work as a Barista?
Damn man, I’m already queasy this morning. This really has me bummed out. There are things in this life you just don’t fuck with, literally or figuratively. Starbucks and nuclear waste are two of them.
I think I’ll go down to Jack in the box, and get a cheeseburger with Jack sauce.
When you get in trouble with comments, dig that hole a little deeper, pastor. Make yourself look crazier than a box of frogs.
A preacher once warned his congregation about the danger of drinking beer and he showed them a clear glass with a piece of liver inside and poured beer inside and let them watch what would happen to theirs.
There was a still-tipsy gentleman in the very last bench that stood up and said, “Oh my, I’ll never eat liver again!”
on a similar note, you don’t actually go blind, your eyesight just gets worse.
It says something about the visitors to fitsnews that this article gets more hits than Taylor Brown’s 3-Way.
Damn straight it’s getting hits, man. Someone is said to be (or actually is) screwing with the elixir of life. Some of us take this shit seriously.
EDIT: I’m talking about Starbuck’s coffee, not the alleged adulterant.
” Someone is said to be (or actually is) screwing with the elixir of life. ”
CIC I just knew we were kindred spirits somewhere even though we do not agree on politics – and here we are – you tell ’em – we do take this shit seriously!
Glad to have you on board, SC Blues! We do agree on some things here and there. I’m happy that this is one of them. I really want to find an article that spells it out in no uncertain terms that this isn’t real.
On a lesser scale, the more I think about this, does anyone remember a year or two ago when Starbucks got into trouble with the Vegan community about their use of these little pink bugs, which they ground up to give their “strawberry” drinks that nice strawberry pink color?
Where are the Vegans on this? Where are the right-wing religious nuts? Those little white tadpoles are people too!!!!!!!!!
“Where are the Vegans on this?”
Yes – I do recall the flap over the strawberry drinks – I found that pretty amusing – I’m pretty much a straight coffee-drink sort of person so I didn’t get too involved – but I do remember that.
Personally I have nothing against “those little white tadpoles” but I don’t think they need to be swimming around in my coffee . . .
I don’t mind the white tadpoles as long as I’m making them and they don’t get me into family court with lengthy payments owed. Heck, I may not be making them anymore. I haven’t counted them lately. Definitely don’t want them in my food and drink.
A classic tell for a latent homosexual is to publicly declare his strongly held belief that semen tastes good.
As opposed to?
I noticed that, too.
As opposed to, vaginal juice (aka P J). Why the hell couldn’t this story have been about that, instead? I wouldn’t have near as many qualms about drinking Starbucks’ coffee if it were rumored to have P J in it, especially if it was from hot lesbian chicks. That might actually make it taste better for real.
any Wofford graduate knows that
Now lets start the rumor that __(fill in blank)__ Burgers are made with manufactured “meat” made from manure worms feasted upon composting sewage sludge. Go Green!
“Why I’ve seen the windrows from I-77 down by the Columbia plant”
Oh… we got TROUBLE! right here in river city!