On Femdom …

IS IT “WHAT A GIRL WANTS?” OR A DEMEANING PERVERSION … 

By Will Folks || There’s a bizarre kids video on YouTube about the concept of time – and how it “never moves backward, only one way.” It’s a quirky little “gather ye rosebuds” reminder … one that my children have forced me to watch eleventy kabillion times over the last few weeks.

Painful …

Like it or not, though, old time she IS a-flying … which means many (if not most) of the norms which governed our social structure as recently as three decades ago continue to be shredded by a mix of evolving tolerances, easing cultural mores and expanding technologies.

More boundary-pushing (even borderline perverse) proclivities are commonly accepted now … and with supercharged smart phones tapped into blazing fast 4G wireless networks it’s easier than ever to indulge them (well … assuming you’re okay with the National Security Agency monitoring your activities).

We are experiencing a fundamental reordering of American culture … to say nothing of a potentially irreversible rewiring of our brains.

Is that a good thing? As a social libertarian, I believe so. Consenting adults should be able to pursue just about any fetish they want behind closed doors – so long as that pursuit doesn’t infringe upon anyone else’s freedoms. Or involve animals. Or peanut butter …

Anyway … one of the more common fetishes being indulged these days is femdom (or “female domination” for those of you not hip to the phraseology).

Technically “femdom” is defined as a subset of the BDSM sexual discipline (yes, the whips and chains crowd) in which the female is the dominant partner. It can range from activities as harmless as light scolding (or spanking) all the way up to degradation, torture and … um, other things.

“Like 50 Shades but the chick is in charge,” one of the women I spoke with noted.

Basically, yes.

Of course femdom doesn’t have to involve whips and chains – nor does it necessarily have to be confined to the bedroom. In a broader sense it’s a mentality – one borne of the women’s liberation movement and the desire of some men (often powerful men) to surrender control in some aspect of their lives … if only for a little while.

Prior to last December, I had only a vague notion of what “femdom” was – and had never met or spoken with anyone who practiced it (at least not that I knew of). Around that time, though, a source reached out to me offering information about a South Carolina lawmaker who frequents the lair of a local dominatrix (a.k.a. “dominant female”).

Note the present tense in that last sentence …

Anyway, my investigation confirmed that the lawmaker in question regularly visited this dominatrix. I also confirmed he was married with children (as my source said he was) – but in an open relationship. And his wife (who upon being granted anonymity spoke as candidly about all of this as she would speak about compiling a grocery list) not only knew of and condoned his activities – but actively participated in them when her husband was back home.

Yeah. Wow.

Upon determining that this lawmaker’s private fetish had no bearing on his job performance – and did not expose him to a charge of hypocrisy – I decided against publishing anything about it.

But it did get me thinking … and more specifically, it got me wondering just how my network of brilliant, influential, gorgeous and sexually liberated women felt about the whole femdom concept.

Generally, the reaction I got was negative – which I guess surprised me somewhat.

“It’s not for me,” one of my girlfriends told me flatly.

“Nothing turns me on about that,” another said. “Either in home life or a partnership or in (my) sex life.”

Even a woman who has engaged in the practice (repeatedly) in the past at the request of some of her male sexual partners offered a surprisingly unenthusiastic assessment.

“That’s not exactly my thing,” she said, adding pointedly “those girls are dykes who won’t admit it to themselves.”

Ouch …

Is that true?

“Eh, (they’re) bored maybe,” another opined. “I just think gimmicky sex seems fake. (It’s) trying too hard. Looking to fill a void.”

Yet another girlfriend I spoke with referred to the entire concept of femdom as “demeaning and unnatural.”

“Who wants a subservient man?” she said. “I want my man to take me – and not pansy f*ck me when he does.”

Wow …

So … in this era of female empowerment were any of the women I spoke with on board with the concept?

Yes … thoughtfully so, even.

“Society tells us it’s taboo to embrace our sexual desires and you’re a whore if you do,” one proponent of femdom explained to me. “As a general rule women like to follow instead of lead in the bedroom. With the pressure to not be a ‘slut’ most women take a passive role so they don’t feel guilty for what transpires.”

That leads to bad sex, she says, with women “giving consent and then laying there like a dead fish.”

“It’s been my experience that men are so used to having to aimlessly try to please women in bed that they LOVE when she takes charge and tells them exactly what she is going to do,” she says. “Instead of faking it or letting them figure it out the hard way I speak up! I make it very clear to them that I’ll sit on their face all afternoon until they get it right. And trust me, they know when it’s right and my rewards to them for being great in bed are generous. I think every women should try it! Men never expect it – but they love every second of it. If the men don’t like total submission that’s fine. I’ll leave the handcuffs, whip, ball gag, and nipple clamps at home. Those are just accessories to the rockstar attitude that goes with getting everything you want in bed (and more)!”

Another girlfriend I spoke with made no bones about her love of the practice – and her lack of concern for what her partners get out of the deal.

“I’m not interested in their pleasure or satisfaction,” she told me. “My gratification is based on their humiliation. Nothing else! And the first time they use a ‘safe word’ is when I tell them to get the f*ck out of my house and never come back.”

A ‘safe word,’ incidentally, is a word or phrase in BDSM agreed to a priori by both parties. Its use signals that the submissive partner would like whatever activity is transpiring to come to an immediate end. Honoring safe words is indispensable to preserving the consensual nature of such practices, experts say.

“We have a saying – ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me,'” one practicing dominatrix told me. “But that excitement must have a boundary of consent – or else it goes from erotic to criminal like that (snapping fingers).”

While not directly embracing specific components of femdom, another girlfriend I spoke with expressed support for it in a general sense – and concern at those who opposed it.

“I’m seriously concerned that so many women are against it,” one told me, referring to its opponents as “Stepford wives.”

Another girlfriend agreed, saying “what are they afraid of? And what business is it of theirs anyway?”

Clearly there is no shortage of intelligent opinions on this subject …

What do you think? FITS’ always lively comment board awaits …

Will Folks is the editor of the website you are currently reading. Reach him via email here.