Prioleau Alexander: Solving The Important Problems

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Every now and then, the Internet shows its true value by recognizing a critically important debate — stuff of the first Constitutional Convention, and the development of three equal co-branches of government.

Several years ago, the debate raging through the digital realm was, “Is a hotdog a sandwich?” Some argued passionately that it was, claiming a sandwich is — by definition — delicious ingredients held together by two pieces of bread. Other’s countered viciously with the argument that a bun is not a slice of bread, only to be challenged with enraged protestations that since the ingredients are the same, a bun is bread. 

Then there was an insightful argument that the bun slices being connected overruled the sandwich debate, but that was crushed by the question, “If I tear the bun so it’s two pieces, is it a sandwich?” The final argument I encountered was that since fast food restaurants refer to their burgers as sandwiches — and burgers maintain an uncomfortably incestuous relationship with hotdogs, Big Burger should have the final say.

You’ll be happy to know that on August 4, 2021, I ended the debate by posting on Twitter, “Only a psychopath would call a hotdog a sandwich.”

Because it was me, the Internet agreed, and the matter was settled.

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Another important topic I helped settle was, “You wash your feet when taking a bath; do you need to wash your feet when taking a shower?”

While others attempted to wrestle the issue into a form they liked, I used my English major to analyze the physics and chemistry involved. The answer is thus: While engaged in a bath, the nature of water is for its molecules to remain in place. Yes, throwing a plugged-in toaster into the tub might cause some thrashing about and water displacement, but based on toaster-less math, the soap you use to wash your neck doesn’t necessarily gravitate to your feet… ergo, you must wash them. 

A shower, on the other hand, is a violent torrent of gravitational activity, when neck soap must obey the laws of physics, and not only run down to your feet, but do so with much friction, dissolving your foot dirt, and carrying it down the drain. 

So, on September 3, 2019, I ended that debate by posting, “Tub, yes. Shower, no.”

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There was also a fairly ugly debate about this important question: In Titanic, could Rose have scooted over and made room for Jack on the door?

Wow. Global meltdown. It got to the point that film director James Cameron had had enough and actually decided to end the debate — by partnering with the stars of the show Myth Busters to see if it could’ve happened.

What did they find? You’ll need to look it up for yourself, because it doesn’t matter. I know the real deal: Whether he could fit or not, Rose murdered him.   

Why?

Obviously, she’d had her walk on the wild side, and she knew that landing in New York with Jack was going to be a total pain in the ass. Yeah, he was good for dancing, and boozing and illicit sex, but she knew… come on, the dude’s a handsome street urchin. Did she want to hang around with a bunch of his steerage-level friends, subsisting on boiled cabbage, ham hocks and moonshine? Living on the pennies he could make sketching people promenading around Central Park?

Or… would life be better mooching off her parents solo, flying planes, traveling the world, dating rich dudes, and retaining the option to hop in the sack with every handsome loser who looked her way?

Obviously, the latter. In fact, she made so much money she never even sold the ‘Star of Whatever’ necklace.   

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The current debate is, “Do children belong at weddings?” 

This is a debate truly worthy of my attention, as I see things as they really are… and the answer is, “It depends.”

Children are fine at a Southern Baptist wedding. During the ceremony, a child in a volcanic meltdown offers attendees a pleasant distraction from the preacher’s message that everyone there is going to hell — and since there will be no booze at the reception, and everyone will be bored out of their minds, watching kids fall down and break things can offer some welcome entertainment. The fact that everyone will be aching to bolt early to get home to their liquor cabinet also provides a solid exit excuse, as the children’s bedtimes are nigh. 

Children should not attend Anglican weddings, any more than they should attend a Green Day concert. This is because Anglican weddings are bacchanalian 6:00 p.m. affairs, and usually black tie. Anyone dressing a child in a tux should be visited by Child Protective Services. 

Another problem with children at Anglican weddings is the number of people who will be drunk early in the fête. The groomsmen might, in fact, arrive drunk — and begin pawing at the bridesmaids while your little pitchers still have big ears, and bigger eyes. You don’t want your little one asking why Daddy’s friend is attempting to provide a tongue tonsillectomy to that girl he just met.

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Children at a Roman Catholic wedding are a toss-up, because Catholics know how to treat their children. I once visited a Catholic Church that was brilliant enough to have a sound-proof room off the vestibule, where Moms and their barking belching brats could disturb each other, but not the congregation. If the church has one of these brat vaults, bringing kids is fine. There will obviously be alcohol at the reception — with consumption guided by the presence of the Priest. If the Padre starts doing keg stands with the bridesmaids, rest assured you are at a varsity level event and should probably grab the kids and depart soon.

Plus, there’s an educational reason for kids to attend Catholic weddings — you’re never too young to learn that a big check can make the divorced groom’s previous marriage disappear.

Whether little ones should be at Morman weddings is dependent on the wealth of the father of the bride. While Morman’s are indeed the kindest people you’ll ever meet, it is important to them to flex financial muscles whenever possible. 

You see, the bride is probably 17 and made her choice of 18-year-old boys based on the boy’s potential in life. The more beautiful she is, the more “potential” she demands… and that “potential” is directly tied to the potential size of the checking account of the groom’s dad.

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Now that her Daddy is going to make her the financial dependent of the groom and the groom’s father, throwing a big event is appropriate.

The reason the financial status of the father of the bride plays a big role is because he might be well-heeled enough to cover mocktails and nibbles for 200 guests, but the 800 kids they’ll bring could do him in. Paying for 2,400 chicken fingers, 2,000 pigs in a blanket, 7,000 diet Cokes, and a dozen jump castles can add up, chop-chop.

For reasons unknown to the rest of the world, liberal atheists also get married — which is odd, because they don’t believe in anything. Conservatives who make the invitation list to such events should always bring their kids, because it might be your kids that inspire them to finally believe in something… and that something will hopefully be the belief they don’t want to have kids.

Feel free to begin any debates you view as critical in the comment section below. Together, we can solve great mysteries.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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