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It’s time for the 2nd Annual Idiot Awards, and — drumroll please — this year there’s only one: Undecided voters!
At this point, if you haven’t made up your mind, you’re literally too stupid to vote. You are the reason we should have an intelligence test at every poll. Would this one be fair?
- What president used an intern as a humidor in the Oval Office?
- Why isn’t there a single photo in existence of Michelle Obama pregnant?
- For grilling out, do you prefer cat or Canadian goose?
Seriously, what in the hell is there to be undecided about? Are there nuanced differences the rest of us don’t know about? Let’s take a look at a few of the significant issues:
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Borders:
Harris: Open immigration for everyone who wants to walk in.
Trump: Seal the border with a wall, and charge rednecks $200 a day to pop anyone who tries to climb over it.
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Language:
Harris: We’re a multi-cultural nation, and should not have an official language. Government and schools should be required to offer services and education in every language.
Trump: Talk and write American, or beat it. Every culture that arrived via Ellis Island manage to do so, so put on your big boy pants, and slap an Old Glory sticker on your car.
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Culture:
Harris: There is no “American” culture, per se.
Trump: There is an American culture, and every immigrant in history — up until 40 years ago — assimilated into it. MAGA hats for everyone.
Those are some pretty holistic topics, no? I don’t give a crap if you hate Donald Trump or hate Kamala Harris, those are 10,000-foot issues, and they are the exact opposite on every single one. These aren’t shades of gray — they are what define a sovereign nation. How in the hell can someone be wishy-washy on them?
A few more:
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Abortion:
Harris: There should be a federal law that every woman can have an abortion, and we’ll decide later if there should be any restrictions on how far along is too far along.
Trump: A law that huge should be decided by individual states, and the Feds should have no say in it. Those maniacs in the Red States started a war not too long ago about Federal overreach.
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Energy:
Harris: In order to protect our environment, we should place significant restrictions on coal, natural gas, and drilling for oil — and import our oil from places that pretty much don’t give a shit about their environment.
Trump: Drill, frack, and mine until we’re energy independent… and if we have to wipe out the Snail Darters and a few baby Seals, too bad.
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A Border Wall:
Harris: No.
Trump: Yes. And electrify it. Then widen the Rio Grande, and put crocodiles and hippos in it.
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Ban on fracking:
Harris: Yes
Trump: Frack the fracking White House Rose Garden if it’ll bleed a gallon of regular gas.
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Alternative Energy:
Harris: We need to pursue wind, solar, and electric vehicles until we’re no longer using any fossil fuels.
Trump: None of that bullshit works, except to kill endangered raptors and whales.
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NATO:
Harris: Members of NATO are our closest allies, and we must protect them at all costs.
Trump: Screw those Euro-trash poofters. If they want us to serve as their mercenary gunfighters, they need to pony up the dough.
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Path to citizenship:
Harris: Naturalize every illegal immigrant who’s here, provided they don’t have a criminal record.
Trump: Track down all the illegals, chuck ‘em in a flatbed, and deport them by the millions.
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Financial reparations for Slavery:
Harris: Yes.
Trump: I’ll be happy to pay $50,000,000 to any slaves I’ve owned in my lifetime. In fact, my father and grandfather’s life, too.
Big Business:
Harris: We need to raise corporate tax rates, because they’re making too much money.
Trump: We need to cut corporate tax rates, because making too much money makes companies happy—and since all companies are greed-based, if they the math shows America is a good place to make too much money, they’ll move here, build factories, and hire Americans to work them.
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Man-Made Climate Change:
Harris: We need to be a member of the Paris Climate Accords, and continue to cut emissions every year.
Trump: Lemme see if I’ve got this right. We have to cut our emissions every year, but China India, and the rest of the Third World can increase their emissions every year? And cancel out our gains? Sublimely brilliant. I pledge we’ll be carbon neutral in one year.
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Overall Platform:
Harris: The last four years don’t count, and I’m offering a new agenda because I didn’t have anything to do with Biden’s train-wreck of an administration.
Trump: My platform is the same as when I was President. If you were better off under Kamala and Joe, vote for Kamala.
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Again, this isn’t complex stuff. It’s not hidden in the shadows like an assassin lurking in a Washington, D.C. alley, laying in wait to ice someone who crossed the Clintons.
Some of the demented lunatics I’ve seen interviewed after the debate said, “I liked Kamala’s upbeat attitude.” “She felt more relatable.” “She seemed like she has plans moving forward.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Liked, felt, seemed? What are her policies? Do you like what she and Joe did — given she was always “the last person in the room discussing policy?” Or are you better off today than when Trump was President? There’s your decision, stupid.
Still other of these loathsome yo-yos said, “Trump seemed angry.” “He’s rude.” “I don’t like his style.”
Seriously? His anger? Politeness? Style? We’re talking about filling the job that will determine the fate of the world. Aside from his mean tweets, did he do a good job when he was president? If yes, then vote for him. No, then vote for Kamala.
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But… undecided?
Let’s get serious for a moment. This is how polar opposite the candidates are. Of course neither candidate has these views, but their platforms are this ridiculously opposite:
- I believe speeding over 5 mph should result in the death penalty.
- I don’t.
- I believe we should legalize the private ownership of Inter-continental nuclear missiles.
- I don’t.
- I believe we shouldn’t have a military
- I don’t.
Come of kiddos, what’s there to be undecided about? I think you claim you’re undecided for the attention, but that’s not unlike going on TV to boast you got an 11 on your SATs.
In closing, I will admit to this: You can be undecided if the most important issue to you is recreational marijuana, or space colonization. Multiple media outlets have reported that, for some reason defying the space-time continuum, Trump and Harris agree these as good things.
I too support space colonization. However, our potential space colonizers are gonna need to go bong-for-bong with Snoop Dogg — for no less than 20 years. Probably more. At this point, even Snoop Dogg’s brains aren’t scrambled enough to agree to something that stupid. That’s not going to happen for 500-years.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’
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22 comments
Refreshing as usual!
Congrats on First Place, Drunkle!
There’s never been a more deserving idiot.
It’s really unfair, almost like Usain Bolt simultaneously hosting and competing in a running competition for elementary school kids.
You have to be an idiot to think Trump has any business being President after his total mental breakdowns over the last few days.
The mush brain just stood on stage and played music and sadly swayed for nearly an hour, when he was supposed to be answer questions for the audience. You can’t make this crap up. Then Trump flamed out when trying to answer questions at an economic forum.
Trump’s brain is fully gone. You’re an idiot if you think other wise.
Forget the bizarre diatribes, just look at him hunched over in his definitely-not-pooping-his-pants pose the other day.
While the decision to vote for Trump is an easy one for me, given the stark contrast between the two viable candidates, it isn’t a pleasant decision to make. It’s unfortunate that, to correct the path our country is on, we will need to elect someone that I find pretty unpalatable. And even if that’s successful, and we’ll be better off, we still wouldn’t be well off. The previous Trump administration did nothing to curb deficit spending or foster any sense of unity in our politically polarized culture. Somewhere, the person exists that could make that happen, but decent people wouldn’t subject themselves to the political process. Unfortunately, in the long run, we’re probably screwed, and it’s just a matter of how fast we get there.
lol
It hilarious to listen to MAGA idiots complain about the choice.
You prefer a lying, felon, fraud and rapist over a former prosevutor, Senator and VP.
We know why;-)
A Name, I don’t think you know as much about me as you think you do. Besides being a Christian male who also happens to be white, tell me something about myself.
lol
Don’t worry. We definitely know why;-)
A Name, stop winking at me. We’ve already established that you don’t know me, so it’s weird.
“I don’t think you know as much about me as you think you do.”
What makes you so special that we need to “know much” about you?
Trees voting for the axe aren’t worth knowing.
You’re a fucking moron!
This article has so many lies that I just can’t deal with them anymore. I guess that is what you guys hope. But given the time left, I don’t really have time to do the rebuttal justice. Trump lies, Prioleau lies, and this website lies. Readers, you can just assume anything here is a lie, and there is a 95% chance you will be right. This is what Trump has done to his followers. They no longer think lying is wrong. Even those who claim to be “Christian.” Remember “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” Yes, that’s one of the 10 commandments Trump Cult members want to post in all the schools, court houses, and government buildings.
There are no honest brokers of factual information here. They all live in a MAGA cult fantasy world where the guy they support is not a Fascist and wannabe dictator who if elected will spend four years dismantling our country and trying to set up a kleptocracy in the image of the countries run by his favorite people Putin, XI, Orban, and Kim Jung Un;. A man who has vowed to prosecute all of his political rivals and order the US military to attack American citizens who do not support his rule, calling the sick people.
An evil man will burn his own country to the ground to rule over its ashes. That is Donald Trump, and his Cult will be there to support him.
Oh, but they are not fascists at all! Yea, about that.
“These people are already up to no good, so we gotta win first. We win, and then Katie Bar the door. Believe me, the gates of hell, my hell will be unleashed.”
— Retired Gen. Michael Flynn, when asked at the Freedom Festival if he’d “sit at the head of a military tribunal to not only drain the swamp, but imprison the swamp, and on a few occasions, execute the swamp.”
“This article has so many lies that I just can’t deal with them anymore.”
That’s basically the MO of modern day conservatism, the point is to lie so often and so fervently the opponent has to decide between getting mired trying to “correct” disinformation or give up and cede some level of legitimacy to it to continue on.
Sometimes you just got to let people eat their horse paste and continue on with your own life.
Yes, your choices are clear. A normal politician who spent her career prosecuting criminals, serving as a Senator and serving as Vice President, and a criminal who is running a campaign using political slogans LITERALLY created by Adolph Hitler.
This is hilarious
It was meant to be funny?
The most obvious question is also the simplest: Do you want the finger of this narcissistic psychopath on the nuclear trigger?
Well, it’s been there before, and nothing bad happened. At least, not in regards to the trigger.
Last time, Trump had people in his administration who would not let Trump do his stupidest or illegal-est acts.
All those people now condemn Trump and have put their support behind Harris/Walz.
E. Prioleau Alexander, you’ve done it again! The way the lefty losers keep coming back to your column and then self-destruct. Remarkable talent. Keep writing!