Prioleau Alexander: Dark MAGA: The Garbageman Cometh

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Well, well, well… the Garbagemen cometh. And it’s not just us bitter irredeemable, rednecks, white trash and the usual deplorables… now the basket includes black and Hispanic men. And union workers. And let’s not forget Yankees! Not only did Donald Trump obliterate the Blue Wall on his return trip to the White House, he only lost New Jersey by five points. 

Ruh-roh. It’s turns out the average American woman is more concerned about the price of groceries than abortion.

So, given that Literally-Hitler will soon be launching his 47th Reich, I think you might want to get a few things off your bucket list — maybe do some preparation.

Obviously the first thing that will happen is a wildly dangerous expansion of the 2nd Amendment — and I’m tellin’ you, the US of A is fixin’ to get lit! I can’t wait to get my hands on a few fully-automatic machine guns, LAAW rockets, landmines, and maybe a Stinger or two. I’m pissed I can’t get that cool F-16 I’ve been eyeing at Shaw AFB, but hopefully when Trump gets inflation under 45 percent I can sock away enough jack to put one on layaway. 

Next, the fun one — book burning, baby! I’m guessing he’ll use his magical dictator powers to ban tens of thousands of books, so if you want some of those middle-school books describing the rape of a teenage boy, buy them now. If you live in a Blue city, buy several — you can use them to barter with your fellow groomers. I just can’t wait to get the bans and burnings rolling. My hope we’ll be down to only one legal book inside of two years… the King James Bible!

When Trump suspends the Constitution on day one using more of that fascist sorcery, so will go the Third Amendment. But fear not, Snowflakes — he won’t be quartering any of those scary, blue-collar, thuggish American soldiers in your homes, it will be polite, respectable, unvetted, military-age, neck-tattooed male immigrants. No need to waste money on deportations when those of you atheists who keep quoting the Bible’s command to “love thy neighbor” show that love by offering your undocumented visitor a guest bedroom, three hots and a job.

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As everyone who’s ever watched even five seconds of MSNBC knows, Trump will also begin jailing anyone who has ever so much as slighted him… just like in his first term, remember? So, if you have any cozy arrangements with political elites imminently bound for re-education camps, you probably ought to wind those down — you know, get out of their Venn diagram. 

Oh, and if you’re one of those people and over 80 years old, set your alarm each morning for 4:30 a.m. That way you can drink a cup of coffee and get dressed before some military-wanna-be FBI bully smashes down your door, and perp-walks you to the car. Oh, and since Fox News will have been notified the night before, be sure to shave and comb your hair. 

You might also want to get in as many “Kill the Jews!” chants as possible… you know, get it all out of your system. Once Trump suspends free speech, and gives the not-yet-totally-defunded cops the nod to quell some of this cowardly Jew-hatred, said police will begin applying baton massages and pepper-spray facials. 

Good news, though — if you’re near a college campus, they have crying rooms already erected.

Man, I’m getting fired up just thinking about it — why didn’t Trump do a single one of these things during his first term? If he’d been serious about ruling as a warlord, by now we could’ve adopted a few “select” Sharia laws, and stoned women to death who showed their hair! Dropped napalm on every Queers for Palestine rally! Put out a fatwa on everyone who attended an Ivy League School!

My guess is that’s not the only religious law he’ll be appropriating from the religion of peace. He’ll certainly make it a death penalty to draw a picture of him… without the express written permission of the Department of Propaganda, and payment of the applicable licensing fees. He’ll adopt the practice of men murdering women via legal “honor-killings” – and give Bill Clinton first dibs. He’ll chop off the hand of anyone convicted of stealing, which will certainly make it much easier to identify who is a congressman when they’re out and about cruising for interns in Georgetown.   

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If you have any money left that you haven’t already spend on guns, ammo and freeze-dried food, I’d recommend you short the Military Industrial Complex companies. Trump will no doubt provide his close friend Putin with the deed to Ukraine, thus ending that war and the Rooskies need for additional weapons.

But that’s not all. Wanna get really rich? Wait six months, then go long on those wondrous Masters of Death and Destruction! Trump will quit NATO, allow Putin to invade the Euroweenies, and sell him the weapons he needs to do it! Don’t forget Trump’s also gonna need a bunch of weapons himself, for when he turns the military on our civilian population.

Once he’s slaughtered the residents of a few Blue cities, he’ll turn to the government… and bureaucrats and members of the permanent government class will be hearing a question they’ve never heard before, asked by none other than the Secretary of Efficiency Elon Musk: “What is it you’d say… you actually do around here?”  

Musk bought Twitter, and gutted the place, without so much as a Fail Whale. And if you think he found waste at Twitter, imagine when he walks into the Department of Education!

Here’s a good question: “What is it you’d say… you’ve done directly to increase the number of high school graduates who are prepared for college, trade schools, or the general workforce?”

Seems like a fair question me — and if you can’t answer it, or say your department doesn’t work directly on that issue, well, there are a hell of a lot of bars and restaurants that need pot scrubbers.

Word on the street is Captain Cheeto will also shut down TV news stations disloyal to him. If he’s gonna do that, I certainly hope he’ll shut down channels that broadcast programming undermining the values of decent people. If there’s even a chance of that, you should horde as many board games as you can find — because the only thing on television will be reruns of shows like Little House on the Prairie. Good God-fearing content, for a nation of people he’ll force to adopt Christianity.  

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It’s no surprise, of course, he will gut the DOJ, and install his personal attorneys and relatives into the positions of power. They, of course, will drop all charges against Trump, because what’s the point of being Führer if you can’t be above the law?

Foreign relations will also be a gas, starting with the Middle East… you see, when he brought significant peace to the region through the Abraham Accords, it was actually a trick. Now he’ll do the Kansas City Shuffle and implement his real goal – which is utter chaos in the region – because of course… because…uhh… because Orange Man Bad! 

The other tricks up his sleeve will include deeding Taiwan to the CCP for a case of unsold Microsoft Zunes and enough Swastika-themed exterior vinyl to wrap the White House and Washington Monument. Sorry, strike that… the Trump Monument.

I foresee a grim future for Seoul, as Trump will no doubt give the go-ahead to Rocket Man to nuke the place in exchange for four miles of oceanfront property and exclusive rights to operate casinos north of the DMZ.

And that’s not all, of course. He’ll redirect Homeland Security from harassing blue-haired wheel-chair-bound grandmothers at the airport, to scouring the globe for more communist regimes and dictatorships to align himself with. A source close to his advisors says he’ll be granting statehood to the seven African nations with the worst record for human rights, which will enable him to be a dictators’ dictator. 

You think I’m kidding, but the proof is cemented in history: Just look back at Trump’s first four years and make a list of all the dictator-ish stuff he did! The dude literally tried to build a wall to stop future Democrat voters from invading the South-48. If that ain’t dictator, what is?

Tik-tok, Snowflakes. The adults are back in charge.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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