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Sometimes, when I look back on my life, I’m stunned by all the wisdom that’s seeped into my psyche. Why me? Why do I have such critical and valuable insights? On so many issues? I’m not sure — but I view it as my duty to spread these awesome insights to the citizens of the world, no matter how undeserving they may be. I’m simply not happy until others are happy.
Because we are coming up on the season of June Brides, I decided this would be a good time to inform you about marriage.
Marriage occurs when couples feel they should combine all their worldly assets — to show the rest of the world how much they love and respect one another. This concept, of course, makes no more sense than a melting down your own guns to “reduce crime,” but for some reason people do it time and time again. The very best I can hope for is that you’ll follow my advice carefully … drag things out … and hopefully come to your senses.
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POPPING THE QUESTION
Since “popping the question” is both unnatural and insane, doing it right is very difficult. There are a number of urges that must be controlled:
Men should fight the urge to propose to their lover in a sports bar during the commercials.
Women should fight the urge to ask why the bastard took so long.
Men should fight the urge to go with cubic zirconia because “no one can tell the difference.”
Women should fight the urge to top 105 MPH on their way to get the ring appraised.
Men should fight the urge to insist on some nookie after tossing the rock.
Women should fight the urge to call every single person they’ve ever met – no matter how briefly – after receiving the rock.
Men should fight the urge to tell their friends, “she’s so hot in bed I had to marry her.”
Women should fight the urge to tell their friends “I’m sick of watching my weight, so I had to marry him.”
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THE ENGAGEMENT
Long engagements spell trouble.
This is because of the endless parade of parties, gifts, decisions, and old flames angling for a last roll in the hay. According to many researchers, the engagement period is one of the most stressful times in a couple’s relationship; this is the time when ugly fighting is most often apt to flare up, resulting in hateful words and a cancellation of the whole stupid affair.
For this reason, I recommend a long engagement.
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PLANNING THE WEDDING
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The beautiful ceremony where the two of you will gaze into each other’s eyes and declare your everlasting love centers on one thing: Money.
The big question, of course, is how much money does the bride-to-be’s daddy make, and how much can the two of you hoover out of his wallet. While money cannot buy happiness, it can buy a seriously off-the-chain weekend of fun. Obviously, the more money you can get, the happier you’ll be.
Always keep in mind that regardless of of how much money is available or unavailable, the wedding must do one thing: Make the guests jealous.
If money is available in unlimited quantities, then that is exactly how much you should spend. If your best friend had lobster flown in from Maine for their wedding, then you should fly all the guests to Maine for a lobster dinner. If your sister looked “refined and elegant” in her gown, then you should trump those memories by going “slutty and hot.” If your brother’s wedding was famous for being “really wild at the end,” then you should spike the cake with hits of acid, and torch the place.
Suppose, however, that unlimited money is not available. What do you do then? How do you make everyone jealous without caviar, champagne, and the entire ensemble from Lilith Fair? Is a mid-sized classy affair acceptable?
Absolutely not.
If the bride and groom cannot convince their parents to provide in excess, then the wedding should be at midnight in a forest under a moonlit oak tree, attended only by you, your spouse, and a priest. (Of course, the wedding actually takes place in a mall at some sleazy Notary Public’s office, but you say it was in the forest and blah, blah, blah.) This sort of wedding makes even rich people jealous, because they are tricked into thinking you are more spiritual and enlightened then they.
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THE VOWS
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When it comes to the vows, you should make every effort to come up with your own. This will horrify your parents and embarrass everyone in attendance, but the shock value can offer the two of you some laughs …and given the fact that you will soon be married you will need something to cheer you up.
Perhaps the most reliable system for creating vows that will titillate everyone in attendance is the “using old song lyrics” method. The groom will sing one song, and the bride will sing another. Appropriate titles include such classics as:
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BRIDE | GROOM
I Touch Myself – Divinyls | Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-A-Lot
Papa Don’t Preach – Madonna | Roxanne – The Police
Skidmarks on my Heart – GoGo’s | I’m on Fire – Bruce Springsteen
Ball and Chain – Janis Joplin | You Got Lucky – Tom Petty
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PRE-WEDDING NERVES
As you approach your wedding day, you may find yourself nervous and jittery. Nervous and jittery people are not happy people, and my purpose on earth is to make sure others are happy. Follow these steps carefully.
Step One – Analyze the jitters.
Look inside yourself and listen to your inner voice. Is your inner voice saying, “Run for it!”?
Step Two – Run for it!
This will take away the reason you are nervous, and put you back on your pathway to happiness.
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THE CEREMONY
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Whether your wedding is large or small, there is only one outcome that can bring you happiness and success: A wedding video that goes viral on Tik ok, and earns you enough money to buy a house so big you only run into each other at holidays.
Unfortunately, just passing out and cracking your skull is not enough to go viral anymore. It now takes true creativity, and probably a fair amount of practice and staging. You must keep your plans from everyone (thus preserving the on-camera spontaneity and realism), and come up with a real doozie:
Food for thought:
- A king cobra slithers in and strikes the best man.
- A rabid mountain lion mauls the maid of honor.
- The Pastor executes a stage dive off the balcony.
- The bride’s ex-boyfriend emerges from under her dress.
It is important to remember that TikTok-ers like their action as violent and horrifying as possible, but blood is a no-no. If your stunt draws visible blood, be sure to cover it with the bride’s train via a well-timed pratfall.
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THE HONEYMOON
Like the wedding itself, the honeymoon’s sole purpose is to inspire envy among the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Although you may not be able to afford more than a long weekend at the Blow-N-Go Inn, I have a failsafe system sure to inspire hate-level jealousy.
For brides, the rub takes place at a shower, when you ask your bridesmaids to vote on where you should go. Your fiancée has offered the Five Seasons in Italy, the Turbo-Ritz in Switzerland, or an Air Castle-n-B in France.
Grooms should take a slightly different tact, and explain the bride-to-be has insisted he go on a solo hunter-moon, seeking Moose in Canada, Red Stag in England, or Polar Bear in Alaska. After the groomsmen vote, it doesn’t hurt to add your new wife wants to stay home and perfect her sandwich making skills.
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THE DIVORCE
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Divorces that occur shortly after the marriage make everyone happy.
The parents of both the bride and groom are happy that the union begat no children, and are hopeful that the next marriage will be to someone with better parents.
The friends of both the bride and groom are happy, because their marriages now seem successful by comparison.
The bride is happy, because she has all that great china, silverware, and crystal, and can now relax and look for a husband she actually likes.
The groom is happy, because he’s going to be up to his waist in girls trying to “take his pain away.”
The priest is happy, because after seeing how hungover the couple was during the ceremony he didn’t want them in the congregation, anyway.
And, of course, I am happy, because everyone else is happy.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’
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