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The Great Toilet Seat Debate

UP … OR DOWN? Our founding editor received a stern rebuke this week from his wife – the lovely Mrs. Sic Willie – after committing perhaps the most common sin of omission any male can commit. Yes, he left the toilet seat up … Why is this such a big…

UP … OR DOWN?

Our founding editor received a stern rebuke this week from his wife – the lovely Mrs. Sic Willie – after committing perhaps the most common sin of omission any male can commit.

Yes, he left the toilet seat up …

Why is this such a big deal? The significance of it all defies us – and also our founding editor, who took to social media to offer the following observation.

“Ladies … it is a toilet seat, not the continental shelf,” he tweeted. “Not gonna kill you to put it down yourself every once in awhile.”

Oh boy …

Female readers were not amused.

“You have trash and the toilet seat … not that many tasks! Sheesh!” one exclaimed.

“Will, you seem to forget who makes the household rules,” another noted.  “If so, I’m sure (your) kids can fill you in on the hierarchy. You may not know who’s the boss, but the kids always do. I’m guessing they’d advise you to just put down the damn seat.”

Very true …

And that’s the essence of the toilet seat debate: Could there be a simpler task? One way or the other?

While he’s never maliciously left a toilet seat up before (has any man?), our founding editor would serve himself well by remembering to put the “damn” seats down around his house. This is especially true seeing as he is way off of the wrong end of the charts when it comes to several other annoying male habits (selective listening, total helplessness when sick, strewn laundry, excessive cup usage, etc.).

As for the rest of mankind … proceed at your own peril.

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46 comments

Frank Pytel February 6, 2014 at 9:13 am

Frack that. UP UP UP. My house my rules. Frack That Shite!!

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tomstickler February 6, 2014 at 10:51 am

Further evidence of delusion.

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Frank Pytel February 6, 2014 at 11:00 am

UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP

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Smirks February 6, 2014 at 9:19 am

“You have trash and the toilet seat … not that many tasks! Sheesh!”

Can I get this in writing? I’ll put the toilet seat down religiously if it means the only other chore I have to do is trash.

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Frank Pytel February 6, 2014 at 9:30 am

Oh Hell Yes. Lawn, shrubs, Half the inside chores ( if she’s working), clothes off the floor (since when is this a chore??, cars, equipment, home repair….

nuff said. Great catch Smirks

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Marriage Counselor February 6, 2014 at 9:27 am

Can’t you explain to her the benefits of learning to pee while standing?

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shifty henry February 6, 2014 at 3:22 pm

I thought that every woman who is (or was) married had the so-called “cute sign” reading — “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat”…..

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Observant February 6, 2014 at 9:32 am

I have a very good male friend who has a wife and five daughters. After catching hell for several years for not putting the seat down, he just quit raising the seat.

After complaints about the “spray” on the seat, he asked the females why they didn’t raise it when they finished…

‘Nuf said.

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MashPotato February 6, 2014 at 10:50 am

That man is a hero

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Den of Hens February 6, 2014 at 9:47 am

Ok here you go. My lovely wife of decades spent the early years chastising me about leaving the seat up. Listening to her and her friends talk they say that they risk falling in and if it ever happened to me…, well…you get the picture. (They ain’t too bright).

I gave in. Now I put down both the seat and the lid. It requires the same amount of effort for them to lift the lid as it did to put down the seat. Now I really do not mind and have done this for 20 something years. The argument went away but I am still perplexed by the idea that they would try to sit somewhere before looking. As for them they think they won and every time I take a piss and drop the top I smile and think “take that”.

Happy wife – happy life (even if she is a nagging ole bag).

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jimlewisowb February 6, 2014 at 9:52 am

I am in the 46th year of a life sentence with no chance for parole.

My Parole Supervisor became more than annoyed when I failed to lower the seat and promised retribution – as if I had not received many such promises over the years

A few weeks later I had lunch with Montezuma and a few of his friends and upon my third trot I found myself starring at a toilet with no seat – nada, nothing, gone – no damn seat

My protests were met with a chorus of learn to hover or learn to lower – I learned to lower

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Life Sentences February 6, 2014 at 10:02 am

My hat is off to you for 46 years of hard labor. Will you get a gold watch or anything when you hit the magic 50?

I’m only 12.5 years into my sentence. Thankfully the Warden is kind but the midgets she keeps as company around the house can get on my nerves.

At least the time seems to pass quickly.

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One step ahead son February 6, 2014 at 9:55 am

A little off topic but a buddy of mine let a divorced gold digger and her bratty little son shack up for awhile in his rather nice spot overlooking the 8th green. As is the norm, the little guy was cool and they joked around until he became a pain in the ass. My buddy got wind that she was prepping to leave him and the little dude went off to school
one morning. The buddy found that the suitcases had been packed.

Sure enough he got home and there was a note and the chick had taken off and managed to scarf up whatever she could on the way out the door. The little nutbuster left a note that said Hey I left you something in the bathroom. Kid had failed to flush a big turd. My buddy just smiled.

That night the little kid called from somewhere in Florida screaming like he was dying. When he opened his suitcase he found a black garbage bag lying on top of his clothes. He opened it and saw firsthand what a man shit looks like.

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shifty henry February 6, 2014 at 9:56 am

Memo to Will Folks – the custom of “charivari” or “shivaree” is not recommended in todays polite society and is considered to be NSFHH (Not Suitable For Home Harmony)…..

Charivari was sometimes called “riding the stang”, when the target was a woman who had been accused of scolding, beating, or otherwise abusing her husband. The woman was made to “ride the stang”, which meant that she was placed backwards on a horse or mule and paraded through town to be mocked while people banged pots and pans.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shivaree_(custom)#In_North_America

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Squishy123 February 6, 2014 at 10:02 am

Fine, just pee with the toilet seat down and see if they continue to complain.

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The Colonel February 6, 2014 at 10:24 am

If you’d ever seen the amount of aerosolized “piss water” (or worse) that occurs when you flush a commode you’d put the seat down and close the lid. That said, I’m remodeling my bathroom when I get back – I will be installing a stand up urinal.

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tomstickler February 6, 2014 at 10:49 am

While you are at it, add a bidet for the Mrs.

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The Colonel February 6, 2014 at 11:54 am

I’m putting the urinal in my bathroom, she has her own bathroom I’ll do hers next year. We have a shared closet between them – the only way to fly.

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euwe max February 6, 2014 at 12:37 pm

Your avatar looks like a nun.

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The Colonel February 6, 2014 at 1:32 pm

Colonel (later Major General) Henry Knox – I changed it to him in honor of his accomplishments in January of 1776. But hey, thanks for noticing.

euwe max February 6, 2014 at 1:39 pm

I should try lasik.

euwe max February 6, 2014 at 11:18 am

I have an air tight stall for my toilet that has a HEPA filter, and an ultraviolet light. It automagically flushes itself and cleans the air in the stall, sprays a lysol-like mist and then evacuates it… It opens with a security code that changes each time it’s used, and there’s an android screen on the code entry box that reads out the ppm of particulate matter remaining in the stall while it’s self-cleaning. If the light is red, the stall won’t open except with the maintenance code, known only to me.

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shifty henry February 6, 2014 at 3:16 pm

That’s terrific.!! And I’m betting that it’s also your office.!!

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euwe max February 6, 2014 at 3:47 pm

To quote the great Allen Iverson, when you’re winning, you can sell your own shit.

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Squishy123 February 6, 2014 at 2:05 pm

So you’ll only get half as much aerosolized “piss water” in your bathroom… unless you teach the women to use the urinal.

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The Colonel February 6, 2014 at 2:31 pm

Nope – we have his and hers bathrooms (one of the reasons we bought the house. I’m a pig and I get a lot less abuse this way). http://www.discovery.com/tv-shows/mythbusters/mythbusters-database/fecal-matter-on-toothbrush.htm

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Bee February 6, 2014 at 10:29 am

A friend of mine was a husband and father of four daughters. Being the only male in the house, there were times that he felt that the five females were teaming up against him. He would wait until they all went to bed for the evening, then as they slept he would quietly go through the house and lift up the seats of all the toilets. Then he would go peacefully to sleep knowing things were even.

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Crooner February 6, 2014 at 11:08 am

When I was a little kid the toilet seat debate was about lifting it up while peeing so as not to sprinkle. When I was in law school I had a roomate who had grown up with three sisters. He sat on the toilet while peeing in the middle of the night, which then I thought feminine but have since adopted. As a result of which I employ a quick hand check before committing to the seat.
My personal domestic situation has evolved, for the better, over the years. First it was two sinks in the master bath. Then two closets. Now his and her water closets, which resolves all sorts of issues.

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euwe max February 6, 2014 at 11:13 am

When I was a little kid the toilet seat debate was about lifting it up while peeing so as not to sprinkle.

——-
I hate to be the one to tell you this.. but the toilet seat doesn’t affect sprinkle.

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Squishy123 February 6, 2014 at 2:07 pm

” He sat on the toilet while peeing in the middle of the night, which
then I thought feminine but have since adopted. As a result of which I
employ a quick hand check before committing to the seat.”

I just turn the light on.

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euwe max February 6, 2014 at 11:11 am

A woman that sits down without looking first needs counselling.

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Outnumbered February 6, 2014 at 2:28 pm

Sometimes it’s dark and you’re half asleep….. However I live with three males so I’ve resigned myself to seats being left up.

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The Colonel February 6, 2014 at 2:33 pm

My boss wife lives with me and our three sons. We lower the seat and the lid or there’s hell to pay.

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euwe max February 6, 2014 at 3:07 pm

A woman is a beautiful thing.

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euwe max February 6, 2014 at 11:22 am

The hinges are rusty and have some gunk on them. And there’s some suspicious brown splotches on the toilet near the floor. Also, the toilet brush is in an unsanitary carrier – it should be enclosed.

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CorruptionInColumbia February 6, 2014 at 11:57 am

Last wife complimented former LTR girlfriend for the excellent job she did in training me to put the seat back down. Former LTR girlfriend had some awesome side benefits which made the effort worth while. Unfortunately, not so last wife.

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Same ol' Same ol' February 6, 2014 at 2:06 pm

Easy solution. The damn thing has a lid. Keep it closed. If they want to pee sitting down, they’ll have to raise the fucking lid.
Me having to raise the seat is no different than them having to put the seat down. Bitches.

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9" February 6, 2014 at 2:40 pm

Straight people are crazy as hell.

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CorruptionInColumbia February 6, 2014 at 3:43 pm

I don’t suffer with insanity.

I cherish every moment of it.

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euwe max February 6, 2014 at 3:09 pm

If this was a serious issue, according to libertarians, toilet seats that automatically lowered themselves would have already flooded the market.

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shifty henry February 6, 2014 at 3:29 pm

Has anybody (other than Shifty) ever experienced the horror of the “loose lid” when trying to pee and the damn thing starts to close itself ever so slightly at first and you think it will stay at that angle and then it suddenly accelerates and you have to make a decision at the speed of light..?? You do have several options……

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CorruptionInColumbia February 6, 2014 at 3:43 pm

Yes, been there and done that, Shifty!

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CorruptionInColumbia February 6, 2014 at 3:48 pm

The first wife was getting frustrated when the new was wearing off of things and I wasn’t jumping her bones as much as before and right after we were married. You married guys know what I’m talking about. Anyway, it seems she was talking to the woman next door and she suggested that wifey put her nighty, which was cut low in back, on backwards and see if that got my attention.

She did so and while I was trying to watch TV that night, she kept parading back and forth in front of the TV and finally asked if I noticed anything different. I replied that I did and she asked what it was that was different. I replied that she had her nighty on backwards. She asked how I knew that and I replied that the shit stains were in front. It was nice to finally be discharged from the hospital.

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shifty henry February 6, 2014 at 6:08 pm

I thought she was going to say, “PLAY ME OR TRADE ME!”

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Cooter February 6, 2014 at 5:31 pm

I just piss off the back porch. If I’m in a mood I aim for her roses.

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shifty henry February 6, 2014 at 6:26 pm

A guy and his wife were very happily married – except for one thing. They were both extremely competitive, and it didn’t matter what it was, neither was happy unless outdoing the other.

Eventually, the husband went to a psychiatrist and explained that his wife was outdoing him on almost everything and he was about to become a whimpering wreck. The psychiatrist, after much thought, said, “There is a sure-fire competition that will guarantee you to be a winner. Try a pissing contest to see who can piss the highest on a wall.”

That evening he put the dare to his wife who, instead of just conceding, took him on. She took him outside to the garage and said, “We’ll piss on the side of the garage but there’s one stipulation. You have to let me go first.”

“Done,” he says. She pulls down her panties and places one foot on the garage wall as high as she can reach, and wets it with a glorious stream.

“Hah,” he tells her, “This is one bet you can never win.” He whips it out and points it up, but before he can let it fly she grabs his arm and yells, “Not so fast — NO HANDS!”

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