Kate Upton Schlägt Eine Haltung

… NOTHING TO IT Earlier this month 20-year-old Michigan hottie Kate Upton joined Mila Kunis as the newest addition to our founding editor’s “Top Five Hotties” list, (replacing Gwen Stefani and Angelina Jolie, respectively). Why is this important?  Because we are the global arbiter of what is and isn’t attractive, people ……


Earlier this month 20-year-old Michigan hottie Kate Upton joined Mila Kunis as the newest addition to our founding editor’s “Top Five Hotties” list, (replacing Gwen Stefani and Angelina Jolie, respectively).

Why is this important?  Because we are the global arbiter of what is and isn’t attractive, people … that’s why.

Anyway, Upton reminded us of why we installed her on this prestigious list during her appearance in a video/ photo shoot for Vogue Germany (hence our “schlägt eine haltung” headline).

First, here’s the video …

(Click to play)

And now here are some stills from the clip … including a couple of shots in which a topless Upton gets the “Japanese treatment” from a stone Alligator fountain (Axis powers gotta stick together, people).

(Click to enlarge)

FDICTwo businessman sitting on a couchRed heart in a trap on pink background. Online internet dating romance scam concept. Love is bait or victim.Red heart in a trap on pink background. Online internet dating romance scam concept. Love is bait or victim.Equal Gender Balance And Parity. Job Pay Equality

Pics: Vogue Germany

Nice, huh?  And while we could go on for hours about both the intricacies of Tripartite diplomacy (as well as the proclivity of pee fetishes in German porn), we’re  just going to go ahead and provide you with some additional Kate Upton links …



Kate Upton: Almost There
Kate Upton Sizzles
Kate Upton, The Canvas
Holy Kate Upton!
The Beach Bunny Is Back
Kate Upton Is Bouncy
Kate Upton: Beach Bunny


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Original Good Old Boy December 4, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Milas Kunis in your top 5?

You have poor taste.

Sailor December 4, 2012 at 5:28 pm

O.K. Insect, have at it!

Original Good Old Boy December 5, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I think Insect already gave her one of his highest grades.

But I’m wondering if he would now deduct points for the moles and blemishes on the back of her legs.

Mike Hammer December 4, 2012 at 5:34 pm


Mike Hammer December 4, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I changed my mind about this broad. In my current adventure, I am re-writing it to kill her on the 2nd page. She dies in a terribly gruesome manner. Ugh!

Old Hickory December 4, 2012 at 6:54 pm

The dope is in: no breast implants. TBTG.

Check out the youtube, watch the genuine articles bounce, and drool.


Kate Upton is a voluptuous supermodel who has posed in the Sports Illustrated Swimwuit Issue and she rocks the catwalk for Victoria’s Secret. Kate’s breasts have been a hot topic of conversation, and many people say that she has breast implants.

Well, we have done the research and concluded that Kate Upton most certainly does not have breast implants. Check out Kate walking down the runway in a bikini and you can see that her large breasts move in a way that only real breast can!

With that said, while the 19-year-old model doesn’t currently have breast implants I wouldn’t rule them out for Kate in the future. Kate has naturally large D-cup breasts and I bet she will end up getting breast implants and/or a breast lift in order to maintain the fullness that she will start to lose as she gets older (Just like Sophia Vergara did). Luckly, Kate has the breast tissue and body fat to properly disguise breast implant and they will probably look very natural on her if she does decide to get them.

Uncle Remus December 4, 2012 at 8:12 pm

That last picture is my jizz shooting past her face in a facial attempt

Mike Traynor December 4, 2012 at 10:56 pm


Mike Traynor December 4, 2012 at 10:57 pm


Mike Traynor December 4, 2012 at 10:57 pm


Mike Traynor December 4, 2012 at 10:57 pm


Mike Traynor December 4, 2012 at 10:58 pm


Fred December 4, 2012 at 11:21 pm

I can see R. Kelly in the last pic!!!!
What a great performance.

Mike Traynor December 5, 2012 at 12:54 am

R. Kelley’s pee is green, at least in that Closet Video. He has so much disease, it might be brown.

Darth December 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

needs freckles…

Hugh December 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Freckles would be good. Enough solid meat on them bones, I could eat her completely, starting with legs & thighs. Macaroni on the side.

dirtbogger December 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm Reply
Throwing up into a trash can December 5, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Okay, I’ve seen it.

It sez:

Hundreds of Brazilian women turned out for the Miss Bumbum “best buttock” competition. “These were women with but one objective: have their buttock chosen as the prettiest in Brazil,” says Cacau Oliver, organizer of the contest.

My feedback:
If you’re into “soul brother” – type asses, then yawsa, these dames are heaven on earth. Me? I’m throwing up into a trash can. Some things can be taken to extremes. Even though all these asses are genuine and one cannot inflate an ass with silocone, this is just gross.

dirtbogger December 6, 2012 at 8:24 am

you must prefer a pie pan can

Insect December 5, 2012 at 8:16 pm

As I ranked this girl — 95 — at “Kate Upton Sizzles,” she’s almost a perfect 100. She’s a natural beauty, extremely cute, with long-term good looks; i.e., she’ll be beautiful in her old age. Her only drawback can be blamed on her parents: her hips are misplaced and she lacks the necessary hourglass — Mae West or Elizabeth Taylor — shape.

She is all natural, no foams, gels, plastics, lipids, liquids, bags, or sacks inserted into her enormous breasts, which the photos and the youtube above suggest are D-cups. Natural Ds are as rare, fine and sublime as the best Grand Crus, such as a 2007 Chateau Lafite-Rothschild.

— Insect

My earlier epistle:

By Insect June 24, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Naturally pretty; beautiful dark eyes and luscious lips.

Would survive the swimming pool test – thrown in and makeup washes off – still looks marvelous.

However, her hair is somewhat died – 3 points.

Apparently genuine C+ cup boobs – a rarity.

Healthy size nipples – a rarity.

Beautifully proportioned legs including all-important thighs – outstanding.

Perfectly shaped arse, firm as a fresh tomato.

But hips are misplaced, too high — no Mae West. She tries to make up for this by all the sinewy poses which do not work. – 2 points.

Takes nice photos, seems happy, healthy, and a normal human being; and does not attempt to appear like a pole dancer.

Her parents would not object to these healthy photos.

A Q-T-pie.

95 or A.


Uncle Remus December 5, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I have to say that “puffy” nipples are preferable. Google “Jessie Rogers” for a really cute set of puffy nipples.

Kyle December 6, 2012 at 12:43 am

I Google-imaged Jessie. Her nipples look a little puffy. Tiny is the better word, like the size of a quarter. Most googlers – ooglers don’t appreciate nipples. Good topic for discussion.

Indian chicks have very dark nipples. Only sick willie will tell us about Nikki’s nipples, but I ain’t holding my breath.

Carl Spackler December 5, 2012 at 11:19 pm

Why would any of us credibly argue with Insect?

SparkleCity December 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Bree Olsen’s are nice and NOT store bought

Uncle Remus December 7, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Agree. They are beautiful and natural. I love the way they move when she is riding a cock. She really likes cock and you can tell!

Uncle Remus December 7, 2012 at 3:12 pm

She also has a nice rear. It is natural and sized nicely. Would be interested to hear insect rate Bree Olsen. Another cutie is Brea Bennett. Really tight package.

Rev. Lovejoy December 7, 2012 at 5:36 pm

She’s torturing me. I keep looking at the bottom-left corner of that picture, saying to myself, “That’s the sweet spot!!!” and then my angel replies, “Shame on you! You’re old enough to be her father!”

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.


Willie Wonka December 8, 2012 at 12:48 am

After I ate her legs, I’d chomp on her arms. Every part of this magnificent female is a masterpiece. Better than chocolate. I would also allow her to chomp on me.

Mr. Natural December 9, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Earth to Will, earth to Will:

Just watched a rerun of Season Two, Downton Abbey, on PBS.

Many gorgeous, beautiful women there.

Season Three starts January 6th.


Season Two included one rare piece of ass who died. Shucks.

See “Love / Loathe Chart”


Lavinia is a piece of ass but she dies. Shucks.


She has a fan club and is famous.


She’s really Zoe Boyle.


She’s not a pinup or cocksucker and I can’t find any bathing suit pictures of her but she exudes sex.

So, please find nudie pics of her and blog her for us.

Or else one of the other Downton Abbey girls.

Even the Downton Abbey household help — the chamber maids and cooks — are pieces of ass.

Remember, in America we had plantation houses where the household help messed around. In Europe they had manor houses and messed around. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manor_house

Peace, bro.

Mr. Natural

Sailor December 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

O.K. Sic, she’s nice but she’s had her week. Let’s move on!

Uncle Remus December 11, 2012 at 11:03 am

Let’s have Brea Bennett next!

9" December 11, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Nothing says Xmas like Bears and Tequila


Ric December 11, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Ah, men in tight trunks — hard bodies, lotion, far-off location, anonymity. I like! Grazi!

Negro December 12, 2012 at 7:26 am

Uncle Remus feels sick after seeing that video. I suggest this one

Sailor December 12, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I’m with Uncle Remus!

Moonpie December 12, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Negro, that girl on the left, you can use her for bait. Ug.


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