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The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) reports that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men in the U.S. experience severe intimate partner violence. Victims are most at risk when they try to leave their abuser, with studies showing 75% of intimate partner homicides occur after separation – or while the victim is trying to leave.
That’s why having a safety plan — a well-thought-out strategy tailored to each individual victim’s situation — is crucial.
Continuing our discussion in search of best practices for victims – a conversation inspired by the late Mica Francis Miller – I recently asked a retired South Carolina state law enforcement officer and expert in domestic violence training to share practical strategies for making a safe exit from a domestic abuse situation.
With years of experience responding to citizen calls and training members of law enforcement, Brian Bennett, has seen firsthand what works, what doesn’t and what victims and their loved ones need to know to navigate the complex and often dangerous path to safety. While every situation is different, Bennett offered general guidance that victims may find helpful as they develop plans specific to their own circumstances and needs.
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TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Bennett said there are clear indicators of an escalation in danger – and warning signs that victims need to consider in preparing for an immediate exit. Strangulation is the number one predictor of future homicide. Suicidal statements made by the abuser are another red flag – as are threats to harm children, law enforcement, or other family members. Additionally, there are non-verbal cues that victims may recognize from an abuser that indicate increasing volatility.
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ABUSERS FEAR LOSS OF CONTROL AND EXPOSURE
“Abusers have a need to control just about everything – particularly in intimate partner or domestic violence relationships, and when an abused person decides to leave that sense of control is being lost,” Bennett said. “Often, abusers hide their behavior using a public persona that doesn’t always match with their private actions… So once they’re exposed, their influence over the abused person and others starts to diminish, and they don’t want that.”
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BE PREPARED
One essential component of safety planning is preparing a “go bag,” a discreetly stored emergency kit containing essential items that can help a victim in the event they decide to leave quickly. Bennett said this bag should include critical documents such as a driver’s license, passports, immigration documents, birth certificates, insurance cards, and copies of any court-issued protection or restraining orders. Include personal necessities like medications, a change of clothes, and hygiene items. Pack cash and gift cards for needs. Use a burner phone to maintain vital communication without being tracked. And keep the bag in a secure location.
When considering the contents of a “go bag,” do so with the goal of eliminating future hooks – or excuses an abuser can use to get the victim to re-engage over the retrieval of necessities.
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EXIT STRATEGY
A well-developed safety plan should include multiple exit strategies because circumstances can change rapidly. Bennett said it is important to have a backup plan for a backup plan. Victims should identify safe locations where they can seek refuge.
Within the home, consider the space as it relates to protective barriers and be mindful of potential weapons of opportunity for self-defense.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a complex process, not a single event. Bennett said victims should keep their circle small – and avoid discussing their intentions on social media.
“The less people know, the better, because of the potential for accidental disclosure or the accidental sharing of information that can get back to the abuser,” Bennett said.
Direct phone calls should replace text messaging whenever possible, as digital communications can often be traced or saved and shared through screenshots.
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SEVEN ATTEMPTS
It takes an average of seven attempts for a victim to leave an abusive situation – and those attempts can be emotionally draining not only for the victim, but also for loved ones trying to help. Bennett said abusers count on this – and use it against their victims.
Abusers create distance between victims and their support networks by manufacturing chaos to frustrate loved ones with the goal of eliminating a critical lifeline for them.
“Abusers count on friends and family becoming frustrated and cutting off availability,” Bennett said. “That is why if a tactic of isolation doesn’t work, the tactic of creating uncomfortable familial situations gets the family to move away on their own.”
Realizing this is fundamental to breaking the cycle of control, according to Bennett.
“Someone who is the target of abuse hears the words of the officers, friends and family that are saying, ‘this is not safe’, ‘this is not right’, ‘you deserve better,'” he said. “Almost without fail, every abused person that I’ve talked to said that they heard those words from friends or family – but when friends or family got frustrated they didn’t hear that anymore.”
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Support from loved ones plays a pivotal role in a victim’s ability to leave an abusive situation safely. Emotional and practical assistance must be consistent and unwavering. Bennett said family and friends should avoid expressing frustration or judgment and instead focus on reinforcing the victim’s self-worth and strength. Many victims experience deep manipulation and psychological trauma, which makes it difficult for them to see their options clearly. Providing non-judgmental, patient support can make all the difference.
For more information and guidance, please view the entire conversation. If you have a question for Brian Bennett about issues related to surviving domestic abuse that you would like to see covered in our next conversation, email callie@fitsnews.com.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR…
Callie Lyons is a relentless investigative journalist, researcher, and author known for exposing hard truths with heart and precision. As a journalist for FITSNews, she dives into high-profile and murky cases—like that of Mica Francis Miller— with fearless resolve and a sharp eye for detail, whether it’s tracking white-collar crime, uncovering religious abuse, or examining the often-bizarre behavior of those who believe they’re above the law.
Callie made waves with her groundbreaking 2007 book Stain-Resistant, Nonstick, Waterproof and Lethal, the first to reveal the dangers of forever chemicals, a story that helped inspire the film Dark Waters and influenced global scientific dialogue. Her work has appeared in numerous documentaries, including Toxic Soup, National Geographic’s Parched: Toxic Waters, and more recently Citizen Sleuth, which examines the complexities of true crime podcasting.
Whether she’s navigating environmental disasters or the darker corners of society, Lyons operates with one guiding belief: “Truth never damages a cause that is just.”
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2 comments
SC’s legal system has experienced abuse by women towards father’s in child custody battles, too. Some family court systems and circuit courts employ people that are not exactly honest, either. They need to be exposed and dealt with
What Anonymous said! I get tired of hearing how we need to bend our laws, our legal system, and our minds, over backwards to accomodate women who make poor choices in mates and then resist all attempts to rescue them from their poor choices. And yes, these concessions by our laws and legal system are frequently manipulated by women (and occasionally men) to ruin and destroy former partners’ lives.
Take the false idea that “we should never blame the victim”. In many cases, the so-called victim is to blame and should be blamed. About forty years ago, at a place I worked where the employees were very tight-knit, one of the male employees on 2nd Shift made a few phone calls to organize help for one of the female employees on that shift who was in a bad situation. There was an atmosphere among employees of “One for all and all for one”. It made a tough job a bit more bearable. The female employee was supposedly trying to get away from an abusive marriage. Another female employee who was well liked at that job, offered her refuge at a spare room in her mobile home in a secluded area in the woods. The woman who owned or rented the mobile home only asked one thing of the “victim”. “Under no circumstances are you to ever tell your abuser where you are staying and never, ever, bring him here.” The lady who lived there felt safe and did not want drama and danger brought to her doorstep.
One day, the lady who owned or rented the trailer was at work on day shift. Her guest, working 2nd shift, got dressed for work early and went to pick up her paycheck to cash as it was payday. The guest got her paycheck and returned home after running a few other errands. As the story was told at the time, her uniforms (except for the one she wore when she left to get her paycheck) were all piled on her bed, slashed to ribbons. Her jewelry box had been gone through with the keys to her other car being taken and that car was now gone from the yard. She suspected the abuser and called police. Police said that since they were still married, what was his was hers and what was hers was his. They could or would not do anything. They even refused to let the primary resident pursue burglary and trespassing charges. The “victim” noted that her estranged had a suspended driver’s license due to multiple DUI’s but police refused to help.
Later that evening, the abuser called his estranged wife at work and taunted her about having her car. He let it out that he was at a motel outside of town. The male employee calling around, wanted to get a few guys together to try and help her repo her car. The plan involved pushing it out of its space silently, then her using her keys to start it and driving off. She would park it in an employee’s yard where her abuser would not think to look. After work, several male employees and the female went to the motel. She got in the car and steered it as it was pushed from its space. It has been agreed upon in advance that if the abuser initiated a confrontation, the mission would be aborted and all would leave as none of us wanted to see our names in the news or lose our jobs.
The car was out of its space. She began trying to start the car. It would wind up but not turn over. This was in the carburetor era. It became obvious that he had removed the distributor cap or other item and the car was not going to start. There was talk of getting a tow truck and suddenly, the abuser appeared from an upper floor room and yelled “stop motherf-ers”. I noted that it was time to leave as agreed. He came down and him and her engaged in a verbal argument that devolved into pointless name calling and insults. I noted that we had shot our wad and it was time to leave. We were not going to leave without her and put her at risk, but the longer this dragged on, the more likely it would devolve into a legally sketchy physical confrontation. The abuser approached the smallest male in the group and drew his fist back as though about to punch him. The shorter male in the group clouded the abuser with pepper spray in self defense. The abuser yelled something about getting his gun and that was what it took to get the group moving. The abuser chased after a couple of the cars as they were leaving. Everyone got out safely but it was later learned that the abuser did file a police report and claimed to have tag numbers for two cars though given his intoxicated state and face full of pepper spray it was doubtful.
Bringing this in for a landing, it was learned a day or two later, just how the abuser found the remote trailer in the woods. It seems the poor little dear who was a guest there, had been having him over for visits during the day when her host was at work, thereby putting them both in danger, against the one rule her host had established and she agreed to. Needless to say, the guest soon found herself looking for other quarters. The host likely never felt safe in that home from then on, because the nutty abuser might have decided that she needed to be punished.
This type behavior by so-called abused women is far from uncommon. I have known several personally in the years since then and it is like they have a form of Munchausen’s Syndrome. They love to whine, piss, and moan, about how evil their abuser is, but they will not hesitate to jump right back into his arms the minute they crave some drama in their life, whether it endangers their “rescuer” or not.
People need to understand that in many of these cases, the “victim” is absolutely to blame and pandering to their neurotic behavior is not going to help.