Prioleau Alexander: Thoughts On Trump’s Cabinet Picks

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I think it’s important we take an in-depth look at a few of President Donald Trump’s cabinet picks, as it gives us insights into the kind of administration he’ll lead.

Let us begin:

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PETE HEGSETH – SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

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PROS: Pete Hegseth is a decorated two-combat tours veteran who’s stated he wants one thing from the military: Lethal warfighting skills. 

CONS: He fails to see how important DEI promotions and LGBT rights are to our military’s ability to locate, close with, and destroy the enemy through fire and maneuver. It’s clear from his statements he believes, troglodyte that he is, that the actual reason for a standing army is to break things and kill people.

He has also stated “There’s no place for women in combat.” Obviously, he failed to see the Marine Corps’ two-year-long evidence-based testing and analysis that concluded units with women embedded are less effective, and less lethal. Wait, okay—he saw that, but failed to embrace the shrieking indignation with which Democrats in Congress overruled the findings. Angry liberals whose daughters would never serve in a combat unit are far more insightful than any tests run by the world’s premier fighting force.

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If this incompetent buffoon spent 20-years in the Swamp’s defense industry and learned how “the game is played,” then parlayed that another 20-years sitting on the boards of Raytheon, Haliburton, Boeing, Huntington Ingalls Industries, and McDonald Douglas, he’d know what a qualified Secretary of Defense keeps at the forefront of his mind: a) How many congressional districts get military contract jobs. b) Ensuring Generals and Admirals get to snuggle up with these titans and later sit on their boards for $75,000 a month. c) Tracking the size of the campaign and PAC money these businesses donate.

Worst of all, Hegseth drinks beer and chases women. If we allow our warriors to engage in such activities, how can we trust them to do toxic male stuff… like shove a knife into an enemy’s windpipe?

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TULSI GABBARD – NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE DIRECTOR

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PROS: Tulsi Gabbard surfs, is a combat veteran, a former member of the House, and a Lt. Colonel in the U.S. Army Reserve.

CONS: She was a Democrat, but became so disgusted with the Far Left’s control of the party agenda she became a Republican, ergo she is nothing but a rotten, filthy, backstabbing, unenlightened, deplorable, hate-filled whore.

CNN’s Katie Bo Willis reports, “where she is perhaps most at odds with the agencies she may soon be tasked with leading is her distrust of broad government surveillance authorities.”

I’m sorry, what? I must’ve misunderstood you.

Let me see if I’ve got this straight: Trump wants a woman serving as the head spy—who doesn’t think it’s okay to spy on Americans without a warrant? How in the hell are the Alphabet Agencies supposed to keep tabs on conservatives if they can’t listen in on phone conversations, read emails, tap the phones of Presidential candidates they don’t like, and perjure themselves under oath with no consequences?

Widespread reporting has also pigeonholed Lt. Colonel Gabbard as a Russian intelligence source, as she has been critical of America’s never-ending and un-auditable support of Ukraine. Whoa!!! Need we go any further? She doesn’t believe the fire hose of truth being blasted down Americans’ collective throats? This is unacceptable—a spy doesn’t need critical thinking and hearty skepticism of what’s being reported by media groups around the world—you pull up MSNBC, see what they have to say about Syria, and that’s that. 

CNN reported, “Like Trump, she has frequently appeared to take positions more favorable to foreign leaders widely considered not just American adversaries, but in some cases, murderers, including the presidents of Syria and Russia.” Together, Gabbard and Trump favored them so much, these foreign leaders failed to start any new wars under Trump. Must’ve been the birthday cards they sent.

Perhaps, worst of all, is way back in 2015 she had the audacity to criticize Barack Obama (Peace be upon his name) for not taking Islamic terrorism serious enough. Obviously, she’s Islamophobic, and doesn’t understand that burning Jewish babies alive is an acceptable cultural norm among those practicing the religion of peace… and she’s simply filled with too much hate to understand it.

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ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR. – HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES

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PROS: Healthy and totally buff.

CONS: The negative impact of Bobby Kennedy for HHS is incalculable and may lead to the death of everyone.

In addition to his many documented eccentricities, Kennedy plans to explore a possible link between vaccines and autism. The idea of doing science to learn more about science stands in opposition to everything science is about. American children under two receive only 27 inoculations (per the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia), and everyone knows based on science by scientists that there is no chance there could be any ill effects from this. Okay, sure—medical science was wrong about the whole “leeches” thing, but it hasn’t been wrong since then.

I for one can offer proof this idea is dangerous: In 1990, Downs was the one widely-known mental handicap that rendered a child unable to maintain a life of self-sufficiency. The word autism, for all intents and purposes, wasn’t in the English vocabulary. In 2024, virtually every adult has a friend with a child afflicted with autism to the point they cannot live and work independently. To try and understand why this has happened is a clear case of autismo-phobia, and an attack on those who cannot live independently.

Other insane beliefs include his calls for processed foods to be removed from school lunches, and his warnings that the food industry is marketing products that increase a chronic disease crisis. Obviously these ideas are based in pseudo-science, proven by the fact America boasts the world’s largest morbidly obese population, and enjoys the highest rates of chronic diseases in the developed world. One can only assume Kennedy hates America, and doesn’t like us being ranked Number One.

RFK, Jr., whose uncle was assassinated by the CIA, is also a conspiracy theorist, and believes things like the fact his uncle was assassinated by the CIA. We cannot have a man in charge of our health that reviews data, and asks, “Why is this?”

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SUSIE WILES: CHIEF OF STAFF

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This is perhaps Trump’s most dangerous pick, as no woman has ever served in this role. Not under Clinton, Obama, or Biden.

Why? Because these wise Democrat Presidents knew… they… hell, let’s be honest. They didn’t want a girl in job that might impact them personally.

We must look to the collective genius of Clinton, Obama, and Biden, and keep women like Susie Wiles where they belong: Doing jobs that are kinda important and get some decent media facetime, but not, like, really important.

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ELON MUSK: DEPARTMENT OF GOVERNMENT EFFICIENCY

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How does one even begin to exhume the evil this outfit will do.

First of all, it isn’t needed. The federal government runs with the precision of a seagoing chronograph, forged from the very fires deep in the bowels of the Matterhorn. Every position is analyzed on an hourly basis to ensure it is critical, and the public servants in those seats place their personal productivity above even their own families. Manual time clocks are used at even the highest executive levels, to ensure every week includes at least 60 hours of sweating blood.

Oh, dig this: The Office of Personnel Management reported that 70% of the federal workforce tele-commutes. This would mean of course, at least 50% of the hundreds of millions of square feet in office space the Feds pay for is entirely unused. That is sheer brilliance—just think how much money the government is saving, not having to air-condition all that space. DOGE thinks they can improve on this???   

Alarmingly, DOGE is planning to take an exceptionally close look at the Department of Education. 

How can they possibly cut a single job, and still enable us to maintain our global rankings of 24th in science, 39th in math, 25th in reading, and #1 in kids who live in their parents’ basement but plan to be influencers, rappers, professional gamers, crypto billionaires, pro athletes, or inventors of “something awesome, like an app or something.”

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Consider your average grade-school teacher—you probably even know one. How the hell do you think she can teach reading, writing, and ‘rithmatic without a team of tireless employees doing the heavy work by spending $67 billion in federal tax dollars. How would she know the needs of Michael in the fourth row who lives with his mother and three siblings in a trailer with no heat without the DOE collecting data, analyzing trends, and ferreting out areas that might be discriminatory?

Worst of all, how in the hell would she manage if her school’s share of that $67 billion came directly to her classroom? Would she be denied the privilege of paying to decorate her own classroom? Robbed of the warm feeling that comes from buying school supplies for kids whose only meal is their school lunch?

Imagine the damage Vivek Ramaswamy and Elon Musk could do to the Pentagon if that maniac Hegseth is in charge? Can’t you see?

DOGE: What do you need to protect the country?

Hegseth: Stuff to kill people and break things.

DOGE: Like what?

Hegseth: Rifles, ammo, mortars, LAAW rockets, grenades, decent combat gear, and bayonets. If you can swing it, it would be great to have the world’s best medical care, tanks, airplanes, ships, missiles, drones, nukes, subs, and some sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.

DOGE: Okay, I’m looking at the budget and you’ve left off transgender surgeries and hormone treatments; keeping unneeded bases open; professional sports sponsorships; the Pentagon’s employment of over 600,000 private contractors; spending involved in the creation of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, or Questioning Initiatives Teams; funding to combat global warming; funding to hire drag queen Stacey Teed to read to children at  Ramstein Air Base in Germany; Hell, Pete—you aren’t even including money to construct safe spaces. What do you want to do with all that extra money?

Hegseth: Turn our enemies into oatmeal?

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That’s it for now…

Rest assured we’ll be back soon with reports on more of these maniacs, who literally Hitler will use to destroy America and welcome China and Russia into the White House.

But take heart—Republican Senators will vote against his selections, because they are fearless—and don’t care that they’ve been informed that a vote against Trump’s choices will “buy them a primary opponent,” who will be “funded by Elon Musk.”

We can all count on Congress to do the right thing.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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