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Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank you for joining me today for the updating of some of your standard operating procedures. We’ll start by taking general questions from the Secret Service. Fire away.
Agent: If the team in charge of keeping a former president alive asks us for additional security because he’s the most hated man in America, should we give it?
Me: No! I mean… unfortunately, you simply cannot, because you’re… underfunded? Yeah, that’s it — you’re underfunded. Next?
Agent: After arriving at a site, what do we do if we find a shooting spot so close to the stage that an 8-year-old playing army would position a rifleman there? A spot at, like, 150 yards?
Me: Don’t be jumping to conclusions. You don’t, uh… remember, you fool! You don’t have enough agents to cover every inch of the place, because you’re underfunded, dammit. If anyone ever asks you about anything, tell them you’re underfunded.
Agent: What do we do if someone points out that the President could double our funding with an executive order?
Me: Tell them your budget is so tiny, you can’t free up an agent to swing by his office and ask him for the extra Benjamins.
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Agent: What should we do if we see a freaky looking dude lurking in the area, practically wearing a “I’m here to shoot Trump” t-shirt.
Me: Your primary job is to protect the rights and feelings of people in the crowd. If you don’t have probable cause to question him, wait. If he shoots the protectee in the head, you will have solid probable cause. Next?
Agent: What should we do if some civilians start shouting that there’s a gunman on a rooftop, and they’re pointing and yelling at us to do something, and they won’t shut up for like five minutes?
Me: If you start reacting to every whiney civilian, you’ll start a panic. Next?
Agent: If we’re on a site and those in leadership are making such bad decisions it seems like they’re purposely trying to get the protectee killed, what should we do?
Me: Remain silent. Protecting your career is far more important than protecting the life of someone who sends out mean Tweets.
Agent: If the protectee is 6’3”, and the job of the Secret Service is to tackle him and cover his body if there’s a threat, how tall should the agents assigned to that specific duty be?
Me: Whoa—now you’re talking about height-ism, muscle-mass-ism, misogyny, and potentially dwarf-phobia. You’re fired. Next?
Agent: If we find out that, despite the odds being literally a million-to-one against, that a dead assassin appeared in a TV commercial for one of the most evil organizations in the world, whose leadership hates Donald Trump, what should we do?
Me: How evil?
Agent: Blackrock.
Me: Those guys are awesome — they stand for ESG and DEI. That commercial was nothing but chance. Cremate the shooter’s body as quickly as possible, then inform your typists in the media to ignore the story. Next?
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RELATED | TROUBLING TIES OF TRUMP’S WOULD-BE ASSASSIN
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Agent: I’ve got one about golf. If we have a protectee walking in wide open areas lined with thousands of yards of tree line, how far out should we secure the perimeter?
Me: Good question. A Marine rifleman can hit a man-sized target at 500 yards, without using a scope. A trained competition shooter can do the same at 1,000 yards. Military snipers with scopes are regularly hitting targets at one mile. The longest confirmed kill was by a Ukrainian sniper who offed a Russkie at 2.5 miles. Taking all that into consideration, and given the nature of a golf course, I’d set the perimeter at… 300 yards.
Agent: Is there a need to patrol the perimeter before the protectee begins their round? If so, how far in advance? And how often should the perimeter be swept and confirmed clear?
Me: Another good question. Since military snipers are trained to lie motionless for two days, and can remain undetected at three feet, even when infantrymen are actively looking for them… I advise you to not sweep the perimeter at all. Ever. Just have some dude stroll about 300 yards in front of the protectee. You know, check things out… if there’s an M1A1 Abrams Main Battle Tank behind a tree, he’ll probably spot it. Okay, let’s take some questions from the FBI.
Agent: If we need to arrest an 80-year-old man for a non-violent crime, how should we do it?
Me: Whatever you do, do not put your life in danger by knocking on the door and asking him to get dressed and surrenderer himself at the closest field office. There’s a reason you’re one of the most over-funded organizations in the government — we give you all that cool para-military SWAT gear, SWAT armored vehicles, and black helicopters to make damn sure the public knows resistance is futile. Organize a pre-dawn raid, kick in the door, and drag the poor old dude out in his pajamas. And for the love of everything sacred, alert the media so they can make you look like heroes. Don’t they teach y’all this stuff in FBI 101?
Agent: What if veterans make fun of me for wearing all that military gear, when I didn’t have the guts to actually join the military.
Me: Uhhhhh… they have a good point. You do look like dork wannabes. Next?
Agent: What do we do if a man is president, and we don’t not like his policies?
Me: For the love of Pete! Why do they even have an FBI school? This is freshman-year law enforcement. First of all, you failed completely to do your job if he got elected in the first place. If he did, obviously you develop a global conspiracy to have him maligned and impeached, lie to the FISA courts to enable you to endlessly prosecute non-existent crimes, cover up every crime committed by his opponents, collude with the DOJ to prosecute all of his known associates, leak confidential memos, get leadership to perjure themselves in front of Congress, and never stop—no matter how many times your lies and corruption are exposed. How hard is that???
Agent: Won’t we get in trouble?
Me: You people are morons. Ever heard of the DOJ? The guys who decide who to prosecute? Your literal partners in carrying out these Banana-Republic-level conspiracies? You not only have guns and badges, you have permanent and unlimited get-out-of-jail free cards. These FBI questions are stupid. Is there anyone here from the TSA with questions?
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TSA Agent: No questions, Sir.
Me: Not even one?
TSA Agent: Okay, one: Can you increase the search quota of blue-eyed, little, old ladies in wheelchairs?
Me: What’s your current quota?
TSA Agent: All of them.
ME: Okay, it would be mathematically impossible to increase that, but how about we add active-duty military in uniform?
TSA Agent: That’ll be fun!
Me: Good. Any final questions? Yes, you — the ATF. What say you?
Agent: We’ve hardly gotten any good publicity since we burned alive those 70 men, women, and children in Waco, then ended up knee-deep in Obama’s illegal Fast and Furious operation. Isn’t there something fun we can do?
Me: Yes. Merge with the ATF, and then you’ll have alcohol, tobacco, firearms, and drugs. If you can’t have fun having access to all those things 24/7, I can’t help you.
In wrapping things up, let me congratulate all of you on your good work. We’ve got some tough days ahead of us, what with the Orange Man still amongst the quick… so I need you to ignore the hundreds of daily news articles that expose your crimes to the public, forget whatever silly oath you took regarding the Constitution, and place your personal career and wellbeing ahead of the fate of the entire free world. I’m confident that with continued criminal negligence and psychopathic malice, we can Make America Obama’s Again.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’
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9 comments
Another one of Drunkle’s imaginary conversations?
No thanks.
Simple answer to all this. If you know that there are nutcases out there everywhere, and it has been shown that it is extremely difficult to protect Presidents, school children, concert-goers, and gatherings of everyday Americans from them, why not deprive these wackos with the means to carry out these assaults:
Ban assault-type weapons. They serve no purpose other than to murder people and massage the egos of all the Bubbas out there. But, taking into account that the Supreme Court, with the help of three Trump appointees, has ruled against even banning gun bump stocks, I suppose we will have to cling to the oft-repeated “thoughts and prayers” for the innocent victims as our only response.
You do understand that a bolt action hunting rifle could have been as deadly or moreso at that range, don’t you? Naaa, you probably don’t.
“Could have”, but the fact is that it wasn’t a bolt action. And neither was the one used in the 2017 Las Vegas Massacre and the two most recent ones used in Geogia and Alabama. And yes, I “ probably” do know a little about assault weapons, especially the M-16.
I’m all for pissing off the ammosexuals and Calla Doody LARPers but the Virginia Tech shooter killed quite a lot of people without assault weapons.
Drunkle’s imaginary ramblings resemble the ramblings of Trump’s two failed assassins.
lol
If Drunkle went up to any Secret Service to ask a question, they’d throw him to the ground and handcuff him as ‘suspicious individual’ and ‘potential threat’ to Trump.
Drunkle is the exact kind of guy Trump would tell to stand back and stand by, but stand very, very far away from him.
And that just because Drunkle served in the military.
Trump doesn’t want any “suckers” and “losers” making him look bad.
That was beautiful!