Prioleau Alexander: A Congressman And A Lobbyist Walk Into A Bar

Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

There is, to my ears, one thing more annoying than Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris’ laughs, combined: When Congressmen are called “lawmakers.”

Right. These brilliant legal minds gather together, and sort through which areas of American life need new laws … things never pondered by the previous 250 years of “lawmakers.” Seriously, what law could possibly be generated in 2024 that would make the Republic a better place?

Hold on … there are a few. The death penalty for robo-callers. Three years for anyone who pronounces harassment as HARE-assment. At least four years for someone who doesn’t give you a thank-you-wave when you let them into traffic. Twenty to life for reporters who pronounce a foreign name like Juan Rodriguez as Whaaaan Rrrrrod-RE-gaze.

***

But those will never be laws, because Congress doesn’t make useful laws … all that work was done by wiser men at a much earlier time. We have alllllllllll the laws we’ll ever need. Congress’ only job today is doling out who gets what from the taxpayers’ pockets – and lately IOUs coming from their great-grandchildren – and making sure most of it goes to the businesses that “lobby” them. 

Why is our government such a pigsty mired in a swamp? Lobbyists and their “campaign contributions.” If no one could donate money to any congressman, and votes were based only on what’s best for the people … do you really think we’d be where we are with Big War, Big Pharma, Big Oil, Big Renewables, Big Tech, Big Medicine, and Big Insurance?

I’m not the first to say this, but every elected official needs to wear a NASCAR-type uniform, showing off to the world who really owns them. The bigger the sponsor, the bigger the logo. 

Wanna know why our health care system is so expensive? It ain’t because your internist is working 60-hours a week for $225k … it’s because among the top 10 individual lobbying groups are the Pharmaceutical Manufacturing Association of America, American Hospital Association, Blue Cross/ Blue Shield and the American Medical Association. 

***

***

Do you think that august group is in the Swamp fighting for better patient care? Maybe demanding doctors be paid more, so we can end the MD-shortage crisis we’re in? Or perhaps begging Congress to allow them to lower the cost of drugs? And Blue Cross/Blue Shield? Wow, I bet they’re in there begging for permission to cover more treatments.

Or maybe it’s really about things like the fight to keep meds UN-regulated in America, so we pay $175 for an inhaler, while one in India goes for three sheets of toilet paper.

Of course, lobbyists for “trial” lawyers – who never go to trial – are intermingled with both Big Medicine and Big Insurance. Hey, here’s an idea: No one actually likes seeing the national interstate system blanketed with billboards for ambulance chasers, so maybe we could make them go away by … writing a “loser pays for the lawsuit” law? 

Hey! I know! Maybe we could also force insurance companies to actually do what they promised? Adhere to the written contacts they signed with their clients?

I’m not, of course, going to let defense lawyers off the hook. Nobody smiles bigger than a defense lawyer billing $700 an hour to defend a lawsuit brought by a plaintiffs’ lawyer, one that together they could probably settle over a game of pickleball and a beer. 

Plaintiff: Dude, your client’s lawnmower exploded, and blew my clients hands off.

Defense: Well … that’s a stretch…

Plaintiff: It’s on video, from three different angles. And the guy was wearing a GoPro on his head for God’s sake. 

Defense: Okay, look — we’ll pay him the salary he would’ve made over the course of his life, plus all the handicap stuff he’s gonna need, and — hell, I wouldn’t let you cut my hands off for less than $100 million — but he’s a deplorable, so let’s call it $10 million.

Plaintiff: Okay, but it needs to look like I fought. 

Defense: No problem — let’s send angry letters back and forth. You can just chill, and I’ll do depositions, hire experts, demand delays, and after a couple years we can settle. You win, I win. 

***

***

The most insidious lobbyists are the ones who remain cloaked in the shadows. I have no problem with the NRA. They want guns everywhere. I have no problem with the ACLU. They want stupid everywhere. They are what they are — which is why so many people target them as good/bad guys.

But consider the rarely-spoken-of teachers’ unions. Why is education so awful in so many places? Because the teachers’ unions buy off the “lawmakers” who could hold their feet to the fire. 

Congressman: It’s clear that Covid-19 is not a threat to kids, and we want to reopen schools.

Teachers Lobby: Noooooooooooooooooooo! You’ll be murdering our union members.

Congressman: Okay, maybe the stretch pants brigade of overweight, chronically unhealthy teachers stays home?

Teachers Lobby: Noooooooooooooooooo!

Congressman: Why not?

Teachers Union: I’ll tell you … but … if I give you this “re-election campaign” check, you promise not to tell anyone?

Congressman: Duh.

Teachers Union: Okay. Remote teaching is awesome for our members. Not dealing with those retards face to face means we can blame test scores on the Covid drama. It’s money for nothing but chilling at home! 

One of the truly hilarious issues regarding lobbying is the amount “reported” as lobbying. Facebook is “reported” as spending $7.6 million dollars. After you $hitting me? Zuck spend $400 million plus getting President Biden elected… much of which was given to grease the whole fraudulent voting apparatus: Election offices, booths, mail-ins, ballot harvesting. Is there anyone mentally divergent enough — even AOC — to believe his money was given in a bi-partisan way? 

Google is “reported” to have spent $3.6 million. That would be more accurate if it included “per Congressman.”

How much money do you think was dumped into Republican and Democrat PACS by the elite class? It’s a PAC, so donors are anonymous… and the PAC can spend money however they want— from TV attack ads, to fraudulent felonious dossiers, to “walking around money” for the ground game crew. 

***

***

There’s nothing more ironic than some ditz-head in Congress proclaiming, “We need to get money out of politics!”

Good idea. Maybe pass a useful law getting money out of politics?

The greatest political satirist ever, P.J. O’Rourke, wrote the following of corruption, with my paraphrasing: 

In the United States, we love to “look down” on “corruption in Latin America.” 

But at least there, it’s illegal.

There, if you want a favor from a politician, you drop a satchel of money in the trunk of his cousin’s unlocked Gran Torino parked in an alley of Tijuana. It is what it is.  And if you (the politician) gets caught, there’s actually a scandal and trials, complete with American journalistic assholes reporting down their noses about “what can we expect of such savages?”

Here, in the U.S.? Not only can you buy a law by delivering a check equal to a duffel bag of money … you can deduct it as a cost of business! In a filing for all the world to see!

Forget the whole PAC scam — we’re talking checks, written and cashed in the light of day. Endorsed and deposited by your Congressman.

Oh, wait — sorry, your “lawmaker.”

***

ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

***

WANNA SOUND OFF?

Got something you’d like to say in response to one of our articles? Or an issue you’d like to address proactively? We have an open microphone policy! Submit your letter to the editor (or guest column) via email HERE. Got a tip for a story? CLICK HERE. Got a technical question or a glitch to report? CLICK HERE.