As every American knows, the Federal budget makes as much sense as a Joe Biden off-the-cuff remark about lifeguarding. I, however, am going to break this bad boy down, and help make sense of it—balance it while I’m at it, too.
Before beginning, however, let me say this is an exercise in futility, because I could make all our problems go away based on one simple idea: In 2023, the Feds are claiming the cost of interest on our national debt is about $400 billion dollars a year. If you’ll loan me the $30 trillion dollars we owe and offer a balloon payment of $1.2 trillion in three years, I guarantee you I’ll have the whole $30 trillion recouped.
If I don’t, well, I’d be too big to fail, so you’d bail me out anyway — but holy smokes we’d have a party to beat the band in those three years.
So, let’s get started: In 2022, the expenditures of the federal government came in at $6.2 trillion little ones. We overspent a tad – $1.3 trillion little ones, but who’s counting, right? It’s like when you do your year-end family budget and find out—oops, you forgot to pay taxes this year. Solution? Call the IRS, tell them you feel awful, and but couldn’t help it. The good news is we now have an additional 87,000 IRS agents to feel your pain.
The first area we need to tackle is mandatory spending, which makes up about two-thirds of the feds’ budget: Social Security, Medicare/Medicaid, and Labor.
Social Security, of course, isn’t mandatory spending for anyone but you and me, and we already mandatorily spent our money on it. Congress’ job is to keep it in a savings account, earn interest, and keep their mitts off it. They’re screaming about a shortfall, however, because they’ve robbed the savings account and left it stuffed with dumb & dumber IOUs.
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The solution? Every Democrat who made an average of $200K+ during their peak earning years just forgives their IOU and waives their social security. Imagine the cries of joy at being able to help the poor so easily. We could give them a bumper sticker or something proclaiming, “I’ve socialized other’s security!”
Next comes Medicare/Medicaid. Tough one. $776 billion a year. But I’ve got it covered. First, we let big pharma know that as their biggest customer, we get their lowest prices. Whatever they charge for insulin in Berzerkistan, we pay a dollar less per day. Same for the guys who make MRIs, Cat-scans, Pet-scans and Hand-stans.
The big savings, however, will come this way: Everyone on Medicare and Medicaid will be given ten $20 bills, stamped with MEDICAL USE, 2023. Every time they (or a family member) utilize medical services for something stupid, they cough up one of those $20s. Want a doc to tell you have a cold? $20. The flu? $20. A stomach ache lasting less than 72 hours? $20. Just wanted to be sure about something the doc already told you? $20. And so on. Take in all five of your kids because they’ve got a common cold? 5 x $20.
Here’s the rub. If you don’t spend those $20s wasting a doctor’s time, you get to keep them! January 1st of each year, those fun tickets are yours to spend!
Between social security and health care, I just saved about $450 billion a year. You’re welcome.
Labor is also pretty expensive, but we can chop that down. The Employment and Training Administration gets about $55 billion a year, while every year swamp dweller on both sides scream we need “more jobs training” as that would solve all unemployment woes. Obviously not the way they’re doing it. Seeing how trade schools are practically free, we could simply give everyone in trade school an Uber card to get there, a ham sammich for lunch, and be done with it. E&T Admin? That just cost your budget $40 billion.
The Bureau of Labor Statistics gets about $5 billion a year. Really? $5 billion to tell unemployed people they’re unemployed? The Department of Management gets about $7 billion, but who the hell are they managing? They sure aren’t managing to help the working class, and management level workers don’t need managing. Oh, and we’re chucking about $3 billion at the Office of Labor Standards, and with things so screwed up it’s obvious their standards are way too low.
All history. $55 billion. Don’t mention it.
The Department of Agriculture is also mandated to rape us for about $227 billion a year. Since we’re paying farmers not to grow crops, paying them to grow corn for ethanol we don’t want, our animal protein sources are approved to live in a pre-butchering hell on earth, and all the farmland is owned by Bill Gates and China … sayonara, USDA. We’ll leave you a billion to make sure our milk doesn’t arrive sour.
The Department of Education rips us off for another $281 billion per Anum. If there’s ever been a bigger waste of federal money that this, I haven’t seen it. Let me boil down what we teach to the least fortunate kids who need the most motivation, assistance, and belief in their future: America sucks. Men can have babies. You need these drugs to help you focus more on not studying. Go to college and borrow $75,000 to get a useless degree. If you don’t go to college, be ashamed of the trades. Hey, Department of Education? You get to keep $3 billion to better protect the nation’s students from maniacs—and you’re lucky to have it. Retired vets and cops would do it for free.
That’s another $504 billion. Happy to oblige.
As we move over into discretionary spending, things get, well, fun. I’d love to drill down into all the bullshit pork programs and expenditures that politicians use to buy votes from their constituents, but I don’t have time. Instead, we’ll apply a new matrix: If a project can benefit only one Congressman’s district, 1 percent of the amount spent must be declared as personal income on their taxes. Why? The project will result in campaign donations, which will enable said politician to buy re-election, which in turn will allow them to return to the Swamp where lobbyists ensure they live like millionaires. Live like a millionaire? Pay like a millionaire.
That’ll shut the bastards up.
Since most people might think that I, as a former Marine officer, might be looking for extra for the military, I assure you I’m not. That’s because the US military has one job: Kill people and break things. And that’s my budget approach.
If you aren’t directly involved in killing people or breaking things… or directly supporting those people… you’re off to greener pastures. The Blue Water Navy? All good. Air Force pilots and mechanics? You’re safe. Big-ass Army stuff that can fight a big-ass war over a long period of time? Worry not. Mother Green? You’re mostly safe. Oh, and A-10 Warthogs? You’re the safest of all.
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The rest of you? Here’s what I recommend: Learn to cook for these dudes, or fix their stuff, or get them paid and deliver their mail, or build stuff they need, or train them, or care for them, or make their lives directly more comfortable. If that’s not to your liking, get in line for your DD-214.
If you’re still confused, let me sum it up: If there’s no chance you’ll get shot, you probably won’t be around after my budget cuts. So I just cut a trillion dollars, and improved our readiness. De nada.
HUD is such a tangled web of benefits for those in need, I couldn’t begin to break it down… nor would I want to cut from it. However, it’s run by the Federal government — ergo wildly inefficient — so everyone’s fired. Each city will get a team of highly-paid, private sector CPAs, non-profit veterans, social workers, and former meter maids to serve as regulation enforcers. We may not save any money, but we’ll get a hell of a lot more housing built and urban development developed.
There’s $757 million earmarked for “science,” and since I apparently don’t believe the science, that’s number is reduced to … the same number of vaccinations I got.
The IRS has a budget of $13 billion, which I find odd. Apparently, they know how much you owe, but won’t tell you. If you guess at the amount and you’re wrong, you go to jail. This is apparently done through random audits of your past taxes, so unless you intentionally and grossly overpay, you’re really never sure if you’re in trouble.
I think we could reduce the budget by $12 billion if we hire a couple thousand pipe-hitters to travel the country and check in on, say, 20,000 citizens a year. If you’re lifestyle looks fancier than the taxes you pay, they break your legs. Word would get around, if you know what I mean.
What’s that? 12.757 billion in cuts? My pleasure.
Transportation has a budget of $71 billion. What the hell is transportation?
Unless I’m missing something, we’re paying $71 billion for a few air traffic controls, Amtrack trains that offer the convenience of driving for the price of flying, and a zillion construction workers to ensure our the Interstate Highways, bridges and railways are keeping up with the Serbians.
Reading through their budget is the stuff of nightmares. Our infrastructure is in “poor” shape? Who’s fault is that? Is the Biden DOT rescuing us from the Obama/ Trump DOT? Where the hell did the previous decade’s budget go? I mean, I know we wink-wink build a few bridges to nowhere, but how do you spend $710 billion dollars over a decade and have “poor infrastructure?”
Look: In 1817, a bunch of businessmen wanted the federal government to build and pay for the Erie Canal … and the feds said, “No money.” What did they do? New York state issued private bonds to build it, businessmen invested in those bonds, and everyone got rich.
Based on this radical idea of state’s sovereignty and private investment, the DOT is history. Transportation is for the benefit of businesses and individuals, and we can put on our big boy pants, pay for it, and wave as the Amtrack caboose rolls around the bend into the sunset.
At the end of the day, we all know where our federal tax money is going: To that employee we want to fire, but can’t: Unproductive, lazy, snarky, self-aggrandizing, holier-then-thou, stupid, and in poor health. But in the end, we can’t fire him.
Because we are him.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile.
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