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Prioleau Alexander: A Hitchhiker’s Guide To Surviving The Apocalypse

“What should YOU do after the collapse?

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I’ve written many pieces about how things have gone sideways here in the Land of the Free. The list is too exhaustive – and exhausting – to even begin to recap. 

The House of Cards Republicans and Democrats have built in debt alone will cause the Republic to topple. It is a mathematical certainty. 

This has nothing to do with politics … all the Swamp creatures want the Ponzi scheme to carry forward juuuust long enough for them to retire rich. Based on current trends, however, retirement is when they roll you into Congress on a hospital bed, fully comatose, crapping your pants and drooling in your shoes. There you sit, until someone “reaches across the aisle” and pulls your plug. 

Anyway, our Federal Witchdoctors have summoned the clouds, and a hard rain is gonna fall. What should you do beforehand? What should you do after the collapse?

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“What should YOU do after the collapse?”

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Step One, is invest in precious metals. Actually, only two. Lead and steel. You see, having a stadium full of caviar and champagne isn’t going to do you any good if you can’t defend it. In the words of John Wick, get “Guns. Lots of guns.” Learn how to shoot them. If you don’t, people who did invest in those precious metals will show up and make your stuff their stuff.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds: Shooting an innocent human in cold blood because you want their stash of cigarettes is no small matter, as our psyches aren’t designed to process and deal with such things. So, once you’ve mastered your weapons, start doing some smaller killing — maybe shoot your neighbor’s cat. Drive out to where the rich snobs who “fox hunt” keep their horses, and cap a pony or two. Work your way up to a foal. Finally, use your shotgun to whack a few endangered birds. 

It won’t make you feel good about “doing what you gotta do” for that carton of Marlboros, but it’ll reduce the sting, I think. 

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Where should you invest your political capital? Our Palmetto Political Stock Index has got you covered!

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Next, get a solar icemaker and as much booze as you can stuff into your storage. A lot of rich people are going to want tumblers of booze when they’re burning their Louis XVI sideboard for warmth, and realizing that all the people whose lives they destroyed are out on the front lawn.

Depending how big of a dick Mr. Big was back in the day, he might start imagining what’s going to happen when that gang with the torches and pitchforks make it into the living room. This will greatly increase his need for drinks, and he will likely trade you his trophy wife for a fifth of rotgut and a pitcher with ice. A cute young lady could be bartered for upwards of a Weber Grill, charcoal, and an apron with a funny saying on it.

Right now, you should assemble a bug-out kit. A bugout kit should have everything you need to survive when you put it in the wind on a moment’s notice. Lots of people focus on food, medicine, communication — I say to hell with all that. You need a) guns b) ammo c) pre-loaded magazines. 

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Rest assured you won’t be bugged out long before you come across some kind-hearted family who believes in the inherent goodness of man. Okay, let me circle back — add vodka to the kit. You’re gonna need a bracer to bury the guilt after you leave the family destitute and without transportation. 

If possible, make your way towards a university. These are gun-free zones, and the students will all be hunkered down in their safe spaces and crying rooms. You’ll have entire dorms and apartment buildings overflowing with drugs and junk foods. You could barter a ride across the country with a trucker if you’re offering a few Adderall and some Twinkies.

Food will be a big issue after the collapse, and keeping your wits about you will be critical. Steer clear of the Teeter … what you want to do is locate a Mormon Church, because no matter how bad things get, they’ll be there, baptizing dead people.

It’s little-known fact that all practicing Mormons are required to have six months of food in their home. All you need to do is follow a family home, knock on the door, and ask them to fill you in on how — if you’re good enough — you get your own planet. You’ll have a place to crash for a few days, where you’ll feast on casseroles. When it’s time to go, you do the Grinch Who Stole the Pantry, and off you go.

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If you plunder and loot for a year or so, and need a vacation, kill your way to an Amish community. Unless the Lion of Judah himself has let slip the four horsemen, the Amish will be oblivious to the meltdown of civilization, and might need a hand raising barns or milking cows. Make sure you loot some candy on the way — you can bribe the little kids into being your lookouts, and spend your days snoozing in the shade.

There are two places you’ll want to avoid: Big cities and small towns. Big cities, of course, because three weeks after the collapse, Idiocracy will have taken over, and the mayor will be some murderous felon who walked out of a Super-Max when the guards fled, and hacked his way into city hall with a rusty machete. 

If you must go into, say, NYC, wear a yellow reflective vest with “Sanitation Dept” on the back. Maybe push one of those big garbage receptacles on wheels.  Why? Odds are you’ve never thought about it, but everyone loves the guy who will clean up the mess they made. You ever heard of a garbage man getting gunned down in the line of duty? Even on the South-side of Chicago? I rest my case. 

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Small towns should be avoided for obvious reasons, especially in Red States. These are people who can hunt, fish, and farm … and they’ve got more time behind the stock of a weapon than an 80-year-old Taliban terrorist has behind a goat. 

If you want to take a shot at ingratiating yourself with the small town residents, loot 20 cases of domestic beer (not Bud Light) and a hand truck. Push that beer down Main Street, and make sure you tell at least five residents, “My truck got hijacked, but I convinced the criminals to let me take my last delivery with me. Ain’t no way the town of Donkey Jaw is gonna go without.”

You’d be a god.

Perhaps the question we should all ask is, “Will I grow weary of this life? Fighting for every meal? Would I simply be ready to move on to the afterlife?”

Having read dozens of non-fiction books about the human struggle and will to live, I don’t think any of us know how far we will go to survive when our mortal coil is at stake. The will to survive trumps almost everything, including your willingness to eat your neighbor with fava beans and a nice chianti.

How far would you go?

I’ll be in it to win it, all the way … not because I have any great fear of death, but because my demise would make too many liberals happy.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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10 comments

Bill April 19, 2024 at 5:31 pm

Ah, I always love the self-aggrandizement of the Trump Cult members. “… because my demise would make too many liberals happy.” I mean do you actually think anyone wastes the brain power necessary to wish you dead? Dude, no one knows who you are. Live, die, whatever. No one, except maybe your family cares. No one wants you to live, no one wants you to die. We don’t think about you at all. It is not a blip on our radar. Somewhere in America a guy with the last name Smith almost certainly died yesterday. Maybe many such people. Does that make you happy? Does that make you sad? That will be the same when you die. The most you can hope for is someone who reads one of these absurd articles, reads your obituary, and thinks, I think I’ve heard that name before, and that will be it. Get over yourself.

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The Dude Top fan April 20, 2024 at 10:47 am

But yet, you take the time to read and comment.

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Dum Spiro Spero Top fan April 20, 2024 at 2:52 pm

“Why do people go do zoos? (Okay, I borrowed the line from H. L. Mencken)

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Dum Spiro Spero Top fan April 20, 2024 at 2:55 pm

Make that “to” zoos.

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Bill April 22, 2024 at 11:31 am

You know, unlike people on the far right, I can read people’s opinions that I think are totally wrong or even nutty without wishing them dead. Almost everything on Fox News now has reached the Nutty stage, but I still listen and I don’t want them to die, and their death would not make me “happy” and if truth be known would not make me “sad.” It would just be a RIP moment.

Meanwhile, those on the far right, like Mr. Prioleau, seem to delight in the prospective death of those they disagree with. As I think others have pointed out, he constantly fantasizes about civil war or the collapse of society and all the people he and others will have to kill with the guns they have. He obviously has some perverted fascination with the “hot battle” where he has to kill people scenario.

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Fart in the Wind April 22, 2024 at 8:37 am

Most of the commenters here are aware enough to realize their insignificance in this world, and are far more likely to come to the realization that their opinions at the very least could be wrong, or that even if they were actually right, nobody is obligated to give a damn, for better or worse.

Drunkle is quite possibly the antithesis to that notion. Dude’s got a serious case of Main Character Syndrome.

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Bill April 22, 2024 at 11:33 am

You know, unlike people on the far right, I can read people’s opinions that I think are totally wrong or even nutty without wishing them dead. Almost everything on Fox News now has reached the Nutty stage, but I still listen and I don’t want them to die, and their death would not make me “happy” and if truth be known would not make me “sad.” It would just be a RIP moment.

Meanwhile, those on the far right, like Mr. Prioleau, seem to delight in the prospective death of those they disagree with. As I think others have pointed out, he constantly fantasizes about civil war or the collapse of society and all the people he and others will have to kill with the guns they have. He obviously has some perverted fascination with the “hot battle” where he has to kill people scenario.

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Church of MAGA April 22, 2024 at 2:12 pm

Honestly I view the Prioleaus of America as victims. It’s not an excuse for anything they say or do mind you but somehow they have fallen prey to a pretty disgusting ideology that was either crafted directly by greedy bastards, or indirectly self-manifested thanks to propaganda crafted by said greedy bastards. That ideology is what drives them, and it drives them well outside the bounds of reason.

Imagine being the parent of a kid who joins a cult. You don’t want them to die. You just want your kid back, with a sound mind, living in the real world. It’s the cult that needs to go away, not the people that got sucked into it. Until they find their way out they are perpetual victims of it.

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Bill April 22, 2024 at 6:44 pm

That is an excellent comment. I could not agree more.

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CongareeCatfish Top fan April 23, 2024 at 9:17 am

Both the left and right have their own paranoid version of world catastrophe. For the modern Left, it mostly involves ecological disaster; in the seventies they proclaimed we were going to have a new ice age, then it shifted to global warming, and when the numbers didn’t really pan out to supported it, it then became amorphous “climate change” a.k.a. anything unusually bad. For the older members on the right, it was communist world takeover (but hey, the communists did actually declare in writing for anyone who was paying attention that the did in fact have a goal of global revolution), followed by the mother of all financial collapses and societal breakdown thereafter. Now you can’t listen to any conservative talking head within the last 15+ years who isn’t hawking gold and silver, and survival food kits. The fact remains, while thankfully rare in this country, from time to time, the fabric of society frays and tears, even breaks down, and then has to rebuild itself. We did after all lose 750,000 people in the Civil War. There will eventually be a great national divorce whe nthe federal government financially collapses, albeit hopefully not in our lifetimes, but it is inevitable. Hopefully it can happen without war.

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