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Amy Feinstein’s Southern Charm Recap: Pretty Woman Edition

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by AMY FEINSTEIN || When we left our charming friends last week, Kathryn Dennis was in tight black leather pants and a lush angora sweater – leading Thomas Ravenel to completely forget having brought along his own Pretty Woman.

Don’t remember?  Here’s a refresher …

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The Morning After The Night Before

This week’s episode begins with Naomie Olindo – who starts the day by slicing a grapefruit on her marble counter while Shep Rose unloads his freshly washed red Solo cups from the dishwasher.  Fitzgerald was right, the rich are different.

Next we visit with a very preggo Cameran Eubanks.  Not to be too graphic, but it’s obvious her pelvic floor is achin’…

I feel you, really, girl, I feel you!

Chelsea Meissner and Kathryn begin their day at the gym and we get to see Chelsea’s body by Survivor – and what Kathryn is calling her mom bod. Seriously?  One day you will look back and beg for the body you have right now.  Babies did your body good, and there is a laser treatment for stretch marks.

But what is the day after for – if not to dish the dirt?   Kathryn tells Chelsea about that awkward moment when Thomas approached her, licking his lips like he was starving and she was the Carolina Buffet.  Kathryn has come a long way, though.  She sees the Southern skeevy Rico Suave heading her way and she knows his plan.

“It’s triangulation,” she says.  “He uses the both of us to feed his ego.  If he can get two girls to seem jealous of each other he enjoys it because it is two people stroking his ego.”

And if we’ve learned anything in all of these seasons of Bravo TV’s Southern Charm, it’s that Thomas’ ego needs to be stroked and fed daily.

Kathryn has a master plan, though, and she has outplayed and outwitted Thomas and his plus one – who seemingly have conspired to drive her bat-shit crazy.  Well played, Red, well played.

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Patricia Tries To Transform A Northern Girl Into More Than Just Another Pretty Woman

Patricia Altschul has worked many miracles, but classing up Ashley Jacobs will challenge her more than the Landon Clements makeover where she attempted to pick the leaves out of her hair and make her look a bit less wash and wear.  What Patricia really needs is a team of mice and some “bibbity-bobbity-boo.”

Patricia arrives at Gwynn’s and is greeted by Madison Simon – who always looks flawless.  One would think that getting double-teamed by Patricia and Madison (plus $10,000 on the Ravenel credit card) could make your average barfly look like a lady who lunches, but this challenge tried Patricia’s patience.

You can lead a working girl to water …

In explaining her plan to Madison, Patricia says she wants less California.

“Not a lot of décolletage, and short up to the Mason-Dixon Line,” she says.

Patricia sees this trip to Gwynn’s as an act of charity in the hopes of getting Ravenel’s latest plus one respectable on the outside before “Thomas is on Medicare.”

The big shiny object on Patricia’s finger catches Ashley’s attention, and she asks about ring shopping.  Slow your roll Julia Roberts!  You are making Thomas a priority while he still has you in the option column.

I’m sure I’m not the only one uncomfortable with the Cali girl’s descriptors.

“I feel like a princess.”

Okay, that’s fair.

“I feel like a Barbie Doll!”

Oh no …

Even the embodiment of elegance, Patricia steps in (whew …)

(Click to view)

(Via: Instagram)

“Honey, never refer to yourself as a Barbie Doll. No, no, no, no!” she chides.

But Malibu Barbie isn’t done with the final fail …

“Now I feel like Pretty Woman!”

“No, no, no! Don’t use that analogy!” Patrica implores.

Patricia then decided to get to the heart of the matter – asking questions to find out just how much pressure, bargaining, blackmail, and maybe ultimatums it was going to take to get a ring on this girl.

Final tip: Honey, get a job, even if you are bartending at a little place near your apartment.

But this scene ends with all three looks being totaled up, coming in at just over $10,000 on Thomas’ credit card.

“Someone is going to get some extra loving tonight,” Jacobs says.

I guess we all find a way to pay our bills …

***

The First Meeting Of The Peter Pan Club

Post-#MeToo – and after the revelation that Ravenel has been accused of assaulting two women – some of the interactions on this season of Southern Charm are quite uncomfortable.  I had never noticed before how loud Thomas laughs at his own jokes embracing misogyny and infidelity.

At drinks with Whitney Sudler Smith and Shep, Thomas jokes that the drawback with his current plus one is the same as it is with any women: “You can’t date.”

Something tells me this one might seriously boil his bunny if she caught him “dating.”

This is when the always helpful Whitney provides us with the word of the day: Ennui. I love irony. Yawn.

Maybe the blame game will break up the boredom.  Thomas thought Kathryn was on birth control – and they were having sex ten times a day. Then he offers that he and Kathryn still have sex as an annual event – and that they hook up as an unplanned event occasionally.  Yeah, sure.

Note to Kathryn: Shep is still interested. Or at least he’s not not interested.

What is it this site’s founding editor likes to say?  #NotSayinJustSaying …

***

The Second Meeting Of The Peter Pan Club (With Brown-nosing Elements)

Open scene at Casa Patricia where the Lost Boys have been invited for a vegan dinner.  Thankfully, she doesn’t have to cuddle with them after.

The best line of the dinner …

“Does this kimono make my butt look big?”

No, honey, it hides a multitude of sins.  Speaking of which, enter J.D. Madison.

“My oh my, you never fail to be perfect!”

Thomas tells Patricia about a quarrel he had with his current plus one, threatening to send her packing like a barren mail order bride.

“Do I need to send you back to California?” he bellows.  “I’m not going to put up with this crap.”

It’s almost as if he treats her like she’s an employee or under contract. Thomas talks about her need to control. Gosh, that must be awful!

Leading us back to that uncomfortable squirming place, Whitney opines that you “can’t restrain Thomas Ravenel.”

“I know! I have all the power and all the money,” he says.

Hmm, we’ll see about that …

Just a side note: J.D.’s laugh makes me homicidal. It’s the laugh of an old dedicated drinker at a card table in Atlantic City.

The second best quote of the night was from J.D. when reading the missive in his fortune cookie …

“I have no fortune.”

Yeah, that’s what we’ve heard from Naomie.

Then we have Thomas’ fortune …

“Every exit is an entrance….to new experiences.”

I bet you are rethinking that one right about now.

Then Ravenel slips and calls his new plus one “Kathryn.”  Oops.

But honestly … can you blame him?

(Click to view)

(Via: Provided)

No, you cannot.

Speaking of Kathryn, she and Thomas round out the episode by meeting up for dinner.  Remember the mantra Kathryn: Stroke, pet and repeat.  Thomas is sure she wants to talk about getting back together.  In a priceless response, Kathryn says “no!”

In the teaser for next week, Gizmo fans catch a glimpse of the storm clouds looming as Jacobs says if she can’t come to Saint’s birthday party, there’s going to be trouble as the crew heads to Hilton Head.

All I can say is stay in your lane, Malibu Barbie!

Amy Feinstein is a native of Baltimore, Maryland, and has been writing professionally for 25 years. She has a degree in English literature and a degree in British history. Amy enjoys writing about entertainment, sports, lifestyle, television and movies. When not at the computer, Amy can be found in the garden or at yoga class.

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