Sports

Wilkes: Ray Rice’s Wife Knowingly Married An Abuser

THERE’S SOME MISSING ACCOUNTABILITY HERE … By Mande Wilkes || Rarely if ever have I seen lazier reporting, commentary, and even citizenship. I’m talking – like most everyone else – about the Ray Rice thing. When it comes to sports in general, and football in particular, I don’t care ……

THERE’S SOME MISSING ACCOUNTABILITY HERE …

mande wilkesBy Mande Wilkes || Rarely if ever have I seen lazier reporting, commentary, and even citizenship. I’m talking – like most everyone else – about the Ray Rice thing. When it comes to sports in general, and football in particular, I don’t care … but this story has for whatever reason besotted the country.

And so I’ll bite.

Rice is despicable. Obviously.

About him, that’s all I’ll say.  That’s all that can be said, really.  It doesn’t require a whole cultural discourse to know that violence is wrong, and violence against one’s lover is doubly wrong.

But what of Rice’s then-fianceé, now-wife?  See, that’s the thing … she went ahead and married him after he knocked her unconscious and dragged her limp body around, as if she were one of his footballs.

With respect to “cultural implications” and other such pablum being tossed about, I’m more concerned about her behavior than his. While I certainly don’t expect her to make a public service announcement about domestic violence, or to otherwise become a poster girl on the subject, I do expect her to not marry the dude who beat her bloody.

She can do as she pleases, obviously.  Maybe their union is fated, maybe the universe commands that they be together.  I can believe that … for everyone, there’s someone.

But she shouldn’t be allowed to be let completely off the hook, shouldn’t be allowed to be held wholly unaccountable for her choices.

In fact, the collective failure to question her choices amounts to a(nother) slap in her face.  We should expect her to exercise her agency, to activate some degree of self-preservation.  By accepting silently her choice to stay with her abuser, we’re acquiescing to the indignity to which Rice subjected her.

We live in a weird era.  It’s very en vogue to speak of women’s strength, and women’s options, and women’s worth.  But rare is the opportunity when anyone requires any accountability from women.

This story goes to show, alas and again, that the whole of the go-girl culture is a sham.

Mande Wilkes is a wife, mother, businesswoman, author, etc. residing on the South Carolina coast with her family.

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101 comments

The Colonel September 8, 2014 at 11:06 pm

I’m sorry, somebody wanna explain why she married him? You can’t spend his money if you’re dead or in a vegetative state.

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Sham, Shame, CDV, and Hits September 8, 2014 at 11:11 pm

She married him for his money, honey. Why else? She wouldn’t be the first and she want be the last, and she is the quintessential, textbook victim and illustration of the insidious progression of acceptance of domestic abuse.

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Cockenstein September 8, 2014 at 11:25 pm

I’m guessing that over half the population would risk the occassional “tune-up” for life in a mansion with $10,000/mo. in spending money. The alternative for most isn’t a bed-of-roses.

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Jackie Chiles September 9, 2014 at 8:40 am

Otherwise she got knocked the eff out for nothing.

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:40 am

It’s a very complex psychological issue, and then when you add money to the mix, voila!

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Sham, Shame, CDV, and Hits September 8, 2014 at 11:08 pm

The sham and the shame is on you, Ms. Wilkes. You have willfully and purposely ignored the strongest and most powerful ally of the abusers; that of the feeling of helplessness experienced by the victims. Your piece ought to get a few hits.

Is this column going to be Folk’s proxy on the issue of CDV? Or will he have the nads to write one himself? That would either silence the detractors or create even more revenue producing hits.

What will it be?

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fuck this September 8, 2014 at 11:14 pm

This is article incredibly dumb and somehow even more offensive. There are so many psychological factors that go into abusive relationships; some women can walk away but for many others it isn’t that simple. There is a reason domestic violence is under reported. What if she was convinced, as many in the media and seemingly the NFL brass were, that the beating was her fault? What if like so many abusers he promised he would never do anything like that again? The fucking district attorney saw the video and basically let Rice off. How would they respond if she tried to leave and he killed her? You don’t know what kind of psychological abuse he inflicted on her in tandem with the physical. There is a ton of literature on this issue explaining why women stay with their abusers and by continuing to blame the victim you let Ray Rice off the hook. Regardless of what Janay does Ray is the abuser and all the blame lies with him. But if you must wield your disgusting sanctimony on anyone do it on the society that continues to minimize domestic violence and it’s effects. South Carolina is number two in the nation for violence against women and archaic, dangerous, and idiotic attitudes like this are why.

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SCBlueWoman September 9, 2014 at 8:57 am

SC moved to #1 in deaths to women from domestic violence this year, after being #2 behind Utah for a number of years. I agree with your assessment of the drivel posted here. We’re #1, we’re #1.

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Torch September 9, 2014 at 9:10 am

And you can see why with people writing articles like this one. She doesn’t have a clue and can’t rent one.

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SCBlueWoman September 9, 2014 at 9:15 am

Neither does the NFL.

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:30 am

Actually, I found that it was #1 either last year or the year before. I worked in the field 2 years ago and kept up with those stats. SC is also high up on the list in rape at #12. Would believe Alaska is, and has been, #1 in rape incidents per 100,000 people?

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Rice not nice September 8, 2014 at 11:20 pm

An aspect of the story that bothers me is that all the relevant facts were well known by the NFL and the Ravens weeks ago. A video was out showing Rice pulling his unconcious girl friend from the elevator. He pled guilty, entered pre-trial intervention, and received a two week suspension from the league. Then TMZ releases a video from within the elevator showing the punch, and then the Ravens terminate his contract and the league suspends him indefinitely. Why was there any doubt in the team or the league’s collective minds as to what had happened? Why were the severe repercussions delayed until now? Its almost as if they were saying “Well, as long as the public does not get too upset about this, we can let it slide with a two game suspension.” But as soon as the public rage built up, they said, “There’s no room for that type of behavior on our team (or in our league), so he’s fired.” To me the League and the Team’s decisions seemed to be more of a “public relations” reaction, then a balanced disciplinary decision. Other posters on other cites have found dozens of examples of NFL players with records of domestic violence and criminal assaults who are currently playing. Yes it is despicable and wrong. But is this player’s conduct, as bad as it might have been, a reason for terminating his athletic career?

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oh well September 9, 2014 at 4:31 pm

Without rice, Vick and all the other murderous scum in the NFL for the kids to look up to, what are we to going to do…

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Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 8, 2014 at 11:22 pm

Wilkes…you should be ashamed. With all the research in the past 30 years on domestic violence and you ignore all of it and go straight to blaming the victim.

If you are the face of S.C. on this issue (#2 in domestic violence) then let Ray Rice “apply some makeup” and see how you like it.

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J Mande Wilkes September 8, 2014 at 11:33 pm

Empowering women begins with acknowledging the power to leave.

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Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 8, 2014 at 11:50 pm

Wow…that’s amazing. I suppose nobody ever thought of that in the last 100,000 years of human evolution.

So you’ve come up with the solution that “women should just leave”…brilliant. I’ll call the Noble Prize committee and let them know you’ve sorted out DV once and for all.

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J Mande Wilkes September 8, 2014 at 11:55 pm

Leaving is the only option that keeps them safe. We can intellectualize it all day, citing this and that study and the spurious conclusions thereof. But if we want to keep women safe, we should tell them to freaking leave.

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Saddened September 9, 2014 at 1:48 am

Consider looking into whyistayed

Smirks September 9, 2014 at 8:27 am

Leaving is the only option that keeps them safe.

Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended.

http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org/InfoDomesticViolence.htm

SCBlueWoman September 9, 2014 at 8:59 am

That statement so oversimplifies the realities and again, blames the victim. I’m no fan of your privileged take on this serious problem.

Buz Martin September 9, 2014 at 10:05 am

Yeah, and nobody but you ever does that, right?

Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:34 am

Duh! Sure, that’s all well and good; but where do they go? Often they are kept prisoner and have no money. Sometimes they have pets and can’t take them to a shelter (I know of a case where the woman did leave her dogs and the abusers anger was taken out on them.) They are afraid for their lives and those of their family members. They are psychologically so beaten down that they see no way out. You seem to think it’s so easy. Volunteer at a local DV organization and get educated.

J Mande Wilkes September 9, 2014 at 11:44 am

In fact I used to volunteer at these organizations, in capacities ranging from legal aid to placement/referral to soup-kitchen prep. It’s not a foreign world to me.

Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:49 am

So you didn’t learn anything about the victims?

CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 2:48 am

Common sense is so uncommon as to be almost a super power in this day and time.

Mande is apparently a super hero from reading the comments on here.

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Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 9, 2014 at 3:11 am

Right….this from the racist who supports cops shooting unarmed citizenry.

CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 3:23 am

Geeze man, doesn’t that'”everyone’s a racist” get old after a while, even with you? Your oversimplification of an issue(s) makes for a really sinister sounding agenda on my part.

IF a cop or citizen is being attacked by someone and has reasonable fear that they may sustain serious bodily injury or even death from that attack, they have a right to use deadly force on that person, whether or not that person is armed. Of course, a 95 year old man or woman in a wheelchair who is screaming threats and brandishing a cane at me while we are in the middle of a parking lot would not be a reasonable threat, because I have the option of moving away and most people could take a cane away from such a person if necessary, with no risk of injury to themselves.

A person younger than myself, taller, heavier, and more athletic who was determined to pummel me into the ground or even inflict a punch which could lead from blindness to brain damage would understandably be more of a threat and therefore perhaps a candidate for lead poisoning. Despite all the crap one reads, it really doesn’t matter the race of the attacker and of the recipient of the attack. Well, unless you live in the world of, “a white guy shot a black guy so the white guy is automatically a racist”, which I guess makes life simple for those who live there. No thought needed.

Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 9, 2014 at 3:27 am

What evs…don’t be a pussy and hide behind bullshit NRA and Fox News talking points.

Just come out and admit what you really want to say, that black people (unarmed as they may be) deserve to be shot by the police because they are sub-human and probably deserve it anyway. It’s ok, this is S.C. and that sort of thinking has a home here.

CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 4:35 am

Black people (as a whole) do not deserve to be shot and certainly not because they are Black. Certain Black people, along with certain White people and certain people of just about any demographic, on occasion do commit acts which quite frankly, make them deserving of being shot. Of course, when someone of your mindset hears that it is a Black person who was shot (so long as it wasn’t another Black who shot them) it is automatically RACISM and all hell needs to break loose. When another Black person shoots them, apparently it is just business as usual and no big deal. If such were not the case, there would be marches, protests, vigils, and other activities in remembrance of the numerous Blacks who are slaughtered by people of their own race, each and every year.
Why are these victims’, many of whom were innocent citizens who were minding their own business when murdered, lives seemingly worth less than those who were killed by people of other demographics (a fair number of whom were committing crimes when killed)???? I would really love to know.

I have griped for years about how people (of whatever race) who murder Blacks almost never receive the death penalty. This is an indisputable fact. I recall a few years ago, a Black minister was fishing and minding his own business when he was murdered by a White scumbag and the scumbag’s girlfriend. They each got some paltry sentence for the murder, which I believe was motivated by robbery. IMHO, they should both have received the death penalty. I also recall thinking how cool it would have been if this minister had been armed, and been able to turn the tables on those two. Sadly, he was not. Where has your voice been regarding this true injustice?

FWIW, I am not an NRA member (renounced my membership a couple of years ago due to their support of a lot of anti-gun politicians), but the NRA is not a racist organization. They support gun rights for people of all demographics, so long as they are good citizens. Some years ago, I recall reading an article by a student who was at Howard University, a historically Black college, who was grateful to the NRA for helping him get a shooting and marksmanship program put in place there. Mind you, this was before the “Safe Schools Act” hysteria, but the NRA was there for them.

Neither do I watch FOX news. I know, that makes all arguments incredibly easy when you simply denounce the opposing party as a racist and a Fox news watcher, as well a follower of Rush.

Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 9, 2014 at 6:14 am

Bravo…bravo…that was a right pretty speech sir.

I’m not talking about black on black gun deaths (another stalwart racist talking point)…as it’s conceivable both parties would have been armed.

I’m talking about a white cop killing an unarmed black man. Like in Missouri, like in Louisiana, like in S.C., like in New York, like in well…everywhere.

Don’t lie, you jizzed in your pants when that killer Zimmerman was acquitted. I can almost hear you now giving up that rebel yell in celebration of the white race getting one back from the “thugs”.

CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 7:54 am

“I’m not talking about black on black gun deaths (another stalwart racist talking point)…as it’s conceivable both parties would have been armed.”

Really? How so? A Black criminal shoots a Black citizen who is minding their own business during a robbery, why is it any more conceivable that the Black citizen was armed than a White or anyone else? It is still the taking of a good person’s life or health by a bad person. And you call me “racist”?????

————————-

“I’m talking about a white cop killing an unarmed black man. Like in Missouri, like in Louisiana, like in S.C., like in New York, like in well…everywhere.”

Not sure about what incidents (specifically) you are referring to, except with regard to Missouri. The guy who was shot was a thug and a bully. Oh in case you are one of those who equates the word “thug” with racism, please check the dictionary definition of the word. When I was growing up, living in a predominately white environment, I always associated the word “thug” with white bullies and criminals. Did you see (or even care) the video of the decedent jacking up the much smaller storekeeper in his own store? His size made him a legitimate threat to the cop. Have you seen the pic of Officer Wilson’s face since that incident? Dead criminal (regardless of ethnicity) = better world. Next…

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“Don’t lie, you jizzed in your pants when that killer Zimmerman was acquitted. I can almost hear you now giving up that rebel yell in celebration of the white race getting one back from the “thugs”.

Yes, I believe acquittal of Zimmerman was the proper response to that incident. Trayvon, despite the “Skittles and Tea” bullshit that so many keep mindlessly bleating, was another criminal in training. He was out of school on suspension for threatening or abusing a bus driver. He apparently had been involved in a burglary or had ties to it as property stolen from a burglary in a neighborhood near his school days before this incident was confiscated from him.
It sounds as though Zimmerman noted visible cues in body language of Trayvon as he was walking through the parking lot which triggered his suspicion. Yeah, go ahead and say it, “his being Black was it”. If someone is acting in a suspicious manner and happens to be Black, I guess in your world one should turn and walk away and ignore that, eh? Had Zimmerman been Black, and he shot a white thug who was acting suspiciously in his neighborhood and then was trying to pound his head into the sidewalk, I would have been every bit has happy with acquittal. You see, I don’t feel sorry for the White trash, either.

Smirks September 9, 2014 at 8:23 am

Empowering women begins with acknowledging the power to leave.

That’s why many abusive men threaten violence against the woman or her friends or family if she leaves, up to and including death threats. He beat her unconscious, for her to have absolute fear of what this guy could do if she tried to leave him really isn’t that hard to believe.

Just curious, have you ever been the victim of abuse?

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CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 8:33 am

Smirk, while this does happen, what about the many women out there who have a good support network, offers of a clean, safe, place to stay, and still go back. Face it, some (not all) are just drama queens who love the attention and sympathy, plus whatever sick emotional or other thrill they get from their dysfunctional relationship. I am not apologizing for the true wife beaters and abusers out there who should be locked up and the key thrown away, but there are too many women who will not take responsibility for helping themselves when help is offered to them. Of course, a woman with no support network and no place to go is in serious danger and a very unenviable place. Those are not the ones I speak of.

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Smirks September 9, 2014 at 8:56 am

what about the many women out there who have a good support network, offers of a clean, safe, place to stay, and still go back. Face it, some (not all) are just drama queens who love the attention and sympathy, plus whatever sick emotional or other thrill they get from their dysfunctional relationship.

What you are describing sounds like a psychological disorder, which would indicate that, again, the woman can’t “simply leave.”

Leaving a dangerous situation is normally hard-wired into our brains thanks to natural selection, but things override that response all the time. Human beings are often fragile and something that wouldn’t even make one person shrug could very well make someone else react in an extreme way. It’s the same reason why some soldiers come back from war fine, while others come back with PTSD and are completely different people.

I’m not about to make a judgement on an abuse victim. In just about any case someone who has suffered as a victim of domestic violence needs to seek professional help, either to help them get back to some semblance of normalcy quickly, or to deal with whatever psychological issues may have been inflicted on them.

Buz Martin September 9, 2014 at 11:25 pm

Right. Abuse can make and does make people BEYOND batshit crazy. All the time. That craziness manifests in different ways for different people, and the supportive network they might have cannot do shit to counter some levels of crazy, ever. Why is that a difficult concept for some to grasp?

For women like those described by CoruptionInColumbia, asking why they don’t “just leave” is like asking a schizophrenic why he or she perceives everything going on as though it were happening to someone else, even to the point of viewing a conversation with someone else from a remote corner of a room, rather than through their own eyes — as though 5hey are looking DOWN on the scene rather than by being a participant. They just fucking DO, that’s all, and the rest of us can’t imagine what is going on in their heads.

Why Mande imagines that she KNOWS what is in their minds and hearts, I have no earthly idea.

Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:37 am

Whoa! Do you know what brainwashing is? Many women also believe they love this man; and if he shows good signs, they may believe he is changing. Flowers and candy go a long way to a woman who is emotionally beaten down and feeling worthless.

CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 11:52 am

Hi Karolyn! Yes, I am aware of the many evils that chronic abusers will use to control their victims. Even so, after enough times down the same road, you would think even the densest of the dense would finally figure it out.

What was that rather true saying that Ann Landers or her sister Dear Abby used to have, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”? When the “Fool me” is followed with a number of ten or greater, its way past time to do some real thinking about just what you are doing.

Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 12:02 pm

The psychological effects can be very traumatic. Brainwashing is real. Mainly, it is due to society and traditional women’s roles. As far as we’ve come, there is still a big problem with the gender gap. Also, many people in abusive relationships grow up in those types of situations and think it’s all normal. I have a friend who does not believe she is a victim of domestic violence because he doesn’t hit her. She is a very intelligent woman too.

Buz Martin September 9, 2014 at 11:28 pm

That’s crap. Why don’t “brainwashed” potentially murderous jihadist “figure it out” before they go active and lay waste to a bunch of innocent people? Because they are FUCKING BRAINWASHED!!!!!

Brainwashed and crazy as fuck are not mutually exclusive states of being, you know.

Fat Girl September 9, 2014 at 8:40 am

Mande, you are correct. Someone has to be the high priest of the painful truth. Right now, Ray Rice is unemployed and in the end, the folks most hurt by this is his victim and children. He will not find any employment now. The victim and kids are punished twice. She should have left.

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Jackie Chiles September 9, 2014 at 8:40 am

Since the Ravens cut him rather than place him on suspension, they actually did her a favor since he’ll be paid.

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The Real Answer September 9, 2014 at 9:21 am

Implications For Releasing Rice
Should the Ravens bite the bullet and release Ray Rice in the coming days, as it currently stands they would be on the hook for $14,250,000 in un-allocated cap dollars from the signing and option bonuses. This dead money would be split up as $4,750,000 in 2014 and $9,500,000 in 2015. Keep in mind these figures represent salary cap only – not cash to be paid to Rice. These bonuses have both been paid in full as of last season.
The remaining room for wiggle comes from the $15 million signing bonus paid in 2012. Article 4, Section 9 of the current CBA allows teams the option to recoup a portion of a player’s bonus money should they commit a “forfeitable breach” to their current contract (by way of retirement, suspension, etc.). However, this only applies to the Signing bonus – NOT the option bonus (one of the reasons less teams are utilizing option bonuses in their recent contract extensions).
The CBA states that the Ravens can recoup up to 25% of the unallocated dollars for a given season. With Rice currently suspended just two games, mathematically this means 2/17th of his $3 million pro-rated signing bonus for 2014 – or $352,941. Again, this isn’t a required pay-back, simply an option the Ravens have (and will most likely exercise).

Toyota Kawaski September 9, 2014 at 9:04 am

“the power to leave” now use that power for yourself and do us all a favor!!!!

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Buz Martin September 9, 2014 at 10:03 am

Too simplistic by half. And what are you doing, yourself, to empower women in that way? Do you think a vast number of them are going to read your posted article here and say, “Oh, this smart woman on this blog thinks I should just leave that abusive son of a bitch, so I WILL, DAMMNIT!” This kind of thing happens with great frequency on The Bizzarro World, where they are all indestructable anyway. Here on the earth, not so much.

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Chump September 9, 2014 at 10:04 am

Before the physical, there was emotional abuse too. Call it Stockholm syndrome if you will. I hesitate to call on this victim’s “agency” . Maybe someone like a Rihanna could better speak to the wherefores and why’s. Like ChumpLady would say, she definitely needs to fix her “picker”. And when she finds that agency against an abuser, people need to stop labeling her and others as “a woman scorned”.

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UknowlinglyWRITE FOR AN ABUSER September 9, 2014 at 10:16 am

title of your article: “ray rice’s wife knowingly married an abuser.” and you knowingly wrote a blame the victim article (and accepted money for this drivel which i can’t believe is worth more than ten cents) about woman beating for will folks, AN ADMITTED AND CONVICTED WOMAN BEATER. in other words, your opinion and your article AND YOU-personally and “professionally”- ARE STRAIGHT UP HYPOCRITICAL TRASH.

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CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 11:59 am

There are plenty of “wife beaters” and abusers to go around. I will make no argument about that. A popular misconception is that anyone convicted of CDV is a “wife beater”. This is absolutely not correct in many cases. A lot of men (and women, too) have gone to jail for pushing a partner out of the way who was going out of their way to push the person’s buttons and start a fight, sometimes with the hope of starting a fight just so they can watch the other party go to jail. All it takes to get your other half to go to jail is a little bruise or scratch on your arm, face, or elsewhere that you can show to the responding police officer and your other half is “riding the ride” to jail.

Sorry, but you will never convince me that a small scratch or red mark on someone’s arm, who was blocking your exit from your home as you attempted to get away from a psychotic partner is the same as a “wife beater”. Nonetheless, a lot of peoples’ lives and reputations get ruined each and every year for just that, thanks to the “must arrest” CDV laws.

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 12:23 pm

Better to err on the side of safety. It’s better than it used to be when a cop might say to the woman something like “Why don’t you just do what he says?”

CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 12:44 pm

I guess it depends on who you are and which side of the story you are on. If I were the one who was jailed, given a record, and forever barred from owning a gun, I’m not so sure I would agree about the “better to err” part.

That said, you do make a good point. The pendulum has swung from one ridiculous extreme to another.

Back in the mid-1970’s, I was a non-sworn employee at the Sheriff’s Office in my home town. Two women came to the SO one Friday night, one obviously having been beaten to a pulp. Apparently, her husband was drunk and had beaten her mercilessly. He had a shotgun and had threatened to kill her if she came back. She wanted a warrant. Back then, the standard answer when anyone complained about a domestic situation was to ask if they would sign a warrant against the offending party. That usually weeded out the ones who were just PO’d from the ones who really wanted the legal system’s help as those who were not serious just ended the conversation then and there. I called the night magistrate to come in and help the lady with a warrant. He began complaining about how he had been on the tractor all day and was tired and such. I explained that this lady needed a warrant and needed it badly. After considerable bitching on his part and arguing on mine, he agreed to come into the office but said it would be an hour or two. I informed the ladies that he was coming and that there was a wait to be expected.

One of the ladies was the neighbor of the victim who had brought her to the SO as the victim had no means of transportation. She wanted to know if it was OK for them to go to the ER and get the lady seen to as she did look to be in bad shape. I told them to go ahead but the victim was worried that the magistrate might come in and leave if she weren’t there. This woman was sincere about wanting a warrant. I told her she probably had plenty of time and that if he came in before they got back, I would hold onto him and call the ER and let them know he was in. The victim was OK with leaving for the hospital then.

A couple of hours later, the two women showed back up and shortly afterward, so did the night magistrate. The lady signed the warrant. She had nowhere to go as they were from another state and she had no family to stay with. Back then, there was no Sister Care. I called the unit working her part of the county to come into the office and pick up a warrant. I was almost immediately told by the Chief Deputy to cancel that call. I asked if he was going to serve it and he replied that it would be served on Monday when the guy was leaving work. WHAT?????

The reply I got was, “would you want to get killed?” I asked what that had to do with anything. He said that the husband has a gun and is drunk. I asked wasn’t that why we (they) had guns, training, and stuff that the victim did not. My argument was not going to be considered. For the first time in my life, I was ashamed to have been connected with that department, even though I had done all I could do, given my lowly position there. That was a shameful and ridiculous extreme that needed to be righted.

Now, seemingly we have drifted to another extreme which has caused more than a few people to be wrongly arrested and convicted, who were NOT wife beaters.

Tazmaniac September 9, 2014 at 5:03 pm

Ya know Corrupt this is an instance where tech does wonders these days. Now a guy or gal can take a video of their closet maniac’s true colors as they make a run for the door. I get it, there are many Jackass men out there that beat the crap out of their women but people don’t realize the crap Cops have to deal with and the sudden “angels” when they show up. I’ve seen more than a few guys that were going to jail but for people witnessing surreptitiously what the woman had done, bashing their own face, scratching/bruising themselves etc. I was with a woman who couldn’t handle a disagreement without violence and even with my experience and knowledge it took me longer than it should have to dump her. She was pretty hot though.

Tazmaniac September 10, 2014 at 7:56 am

Or the power to whine about how the media has ruined her, I mean his bank account. This is what people can’t/won’t comprehend, Janay couldn’t care less if Ray smacks her, or lynches black folks in the tree in their front lawn while wearing a white hood for that matter as long as the money is there. For her, it is a NFL sized bankroll, other women settle for next months rent, and THAT is what makes your story relevant.

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MashPotato September 9, 2014 at 1:48 am

Is it the train’s fault when a woman stands on the tracks?

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Toyota Kawski September 9, 2014 at 9:02 am

I will Mash you if you come to another PGA event

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CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 9:17 am

???

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CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 11:49 am

Ok, I answered my own question with google. For those like me who the comment was lost on, here’s the explanation.

http://www.businessinsider.com/the-pga-needs-to-do-something-about-fans-yelling-2013-8

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MashPotato September 9, 2014 at 10:46 am

Isn’t that guy hilarious?

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:30 am

Over simplification of a complex issue.

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CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 3:08 am

Mande, excellent article!!!! Thank You for having the guts to say what needs to be said. I know, this will not sit well with the those who find honor in the culture of victimhood and other hand-wringers but what you said needs to be said, and said some more. Yes, someone such as Rice deserves to be prosecuted and put away, no question and no doubt! There is another side to that story that keeps people like him doing what they do and often keeps them out of jail, the victim. Far too many times and too often, the “victim” is the one who comes to get the abuser out of jail and worse yet, does everything possible to sabotage the case against the abuser. When the inevitable “next time” comes, they want the police report and all the sympathy and attention from the cops, friends, co-workers, and others that goes with it…, until they aren’t pissed off at the abuser any more. Then they want to sabotage the case again. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat again…

Society’s answer to this problem is to pass more laws, which frequently do little or nothing to hurt the chronic abuser and the REAL “wife beaters” out there, but will demonize the poor guy or gal whose drunk, drugged or bat shit crazy partner decided to push all of their buttons that day, to include physical assault or refusing to let them leave the residence by blocking their path out, until they grab or push the nut out of the way, leaving just enough of a minor scratch or bruise (NOT broken teeth bones, or other life-threatening injuries, mind you) that the “must arrest CDV law” kicks in and the one who was trying to be calm gets the trip to jail. A lot of people who haven’t seen it will say this doesn’t happen but it does, and quite often too.

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Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 9, 2014 at 6:30 am

You know what? I apologize. You’re absolutely right. It’s the victim’s fault for not exercising better judgement to avoid getting beaten up.

I suppose you will extend that same argument to all those victims in the Colorado theater massacre or Columbine or Sandy Hook or whichever mass shooting that happens 24/7 in America. If only they had the common sense to just avoid those bullets in the first place, then they would have been safe. It’s not the shooter’s fault. It’s especially not the gun’s fault.

I’ll let the Brady campaign know that in addition to solving domestic violence, you’ve also solved gun deaths. You’re on fire.

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CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 8:01 am

WOW man, are you really THAT dense? Talk about apples and oranges comparisons!!!!!

The people in those incidents you mentioned, were caught cold and unaware by the active shooters. I know this may be a difficult concept for you and many of the commenters on here to grasp, and it might even be painful, but please try. If I know when I go to a certain bar that I am going to be beaten up, harassed, slapped around, with regularity, I’m going to make a real effort (not really much of an effort) to go somewhere else and avoid that place like the plague. If someone happens to be in a place where no previous trouble has occurred before and it breaks out, no, you cannot really blame them. IF however, they have gone into that place and been beaten up, slapped around, harassed and picked on numerous times in the past, and when the police develop a suspect and help them press charges, they refuse to prosecute and try to sabotage the case, a thinking person will really question the sanity and intelligence of that “victim”.

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idcydm September 9, 2014 at 8:17 am

My friend, there are those that do not deserve a reply or even the time of day.

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CorruptionInColumbia September 9, 2014 at 8:22 am

Thank You, idcydm! Sometimes I get caught up in the moment, I guess.

delbert norquest September 9, 2014 at 3:35 am

I heard a brief comment on CNN that the NFL instituted new abuse rules. I missed most of it, but the jist was you get more time off if you beat them while they are pregnant. Someone help me on this. Was I delusional? (again)

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TontoBubbaGoldstein September 9, 2014 at 6:17 am

Didn’t she hit him (probably as hard as she could) first?
Wasn’t she coming at him again?

Pro Tip: (for women AND men)

Don’t attack someone who is armed or who is way bigger/stronger than you.

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:39 am

I believe he hit her first or shoved her. There is NO reason for a more powerful man to hit a woman.

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TontoBubbaGoldstein September 10, 2014 at 6:56 pm

I believe he hit her first or shoved her.

That’s right.
Don’t believe your lying eyes.

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euwe max September 12, 2014 at 11:00 pm

If I was in an elevator with a wild animal, I’d cover the lens before I dispatched it.

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Correct September 9, 2014 at 4:33 pm

Oh, it’s gets better, Janay is telling everyone to stay our of their lives, rightfully so:

http://www.economicpolicyjournal.com/2014/09/ray-rices-wife-leave-us-alone.html

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Rice/Vick 2016! September 9, 2014 at 4:49 pm

Finally, let’s go back to the good old days when domestic violence was a ‘private’ matter that the cops should stay out of. If I want to beat my kids that’s a very personal and private decision.

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Correct September 10, 2014 at 10:18 am

Hey, it’s the beatee talking, what more do you want?

You want to invade every house where S&M is in play too?

Sometimes there’s some sick shit out there and *surprise*, government intervention doesn’t fix/change it.

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Correct September 10, 2014 at 10:18 am

Btw, I gave you a “thumbs up” because your name is funny as hell.

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Correct September 10, 2014 at 10:24 am

lol, one other note and I’ll leave you alone. She lightly slapped him on the cheek if you watch the vid out in the hallway, then she got real aggressive with him in the elevator…to the point that if she was a bigger individual & a man, Rice would have been justified.

That’s what’s interesting about the law, even if she did decide to prosecute personally(which obviously she didn’t), they’d first have to address if her original cheek tap was assault or not and then establish if Rice was justified in knocking her out in anticipation of another, harder slap.

Lots of issues there….legally speaking….even if we all know she wasn’t able to substantially hurt Rice. For example, if a 130lb weakling man did the same thing and Rice knocked him out would anyone be talking about it let alone legal action?

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TontoBubbaGoldstein September 10, 2014 at 6:54 pm

Yes.
It comes down to where, on the spectrum ranging from “women should be treated as equals to men” to “women should be treated like children”, we are as a society.
TBG fears for Ray Rice…marrying a verbally and physically abusive woman.

(Only somewhat joking…)

Women Are Wonderful!!! September 9, 2014 at 7:04 am

Women have attributes and add meaning to our world. Being of strong mind and making sound decisions has not always been one of those attributes. If you are a Bible believer this can be seen in the beginning. If not a Bible believer look at history of women since this country started. Not saying woman are not capable but we all have our place in the world. We can’t all be King of The Jungle!

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:44 am

And all men are of strong mind and make sound decisions? Give me a break!

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MK Miller September 9, 2014 at 1:53 pm

Having spent many years in sales I learned, sale to the woman of the house. She will buy because women are born followers and only good parenting skills make them leaders. Parents should teach daughters to be leaders and self reliant, once we do this then depending on a man will not hold them to this type of relationship.

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 4:59 pm

Women are NOT “born followers.” They are trained starting as little children, to follow society’s dictates. However, that being said, things are changing except for many of those raised in evangelical Christian households and lower socio-economic households.

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Jane Marie September 9, 2014 at 7:44 am

What!!?? What a moron you are. Blame the victim huh? You have absolutely no idea how abusers completely destroy and control their victims lives. You should probably do some research before you post this garbage. You’re a narcisistic asshole. No better than Rice himself.

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Jackie Chiles September 9, 2014 at 8:38 am

Yeah, this article pretty much punched someone in the face, knocking them into a railing, then to the floor, and then dragged their unconscious body out the door.

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Watch the right hook! September 9, 2014 at 9:15 am

Minus the hot crotch shot unfortunately.

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Smirks September 9, 2014 at 8:19 am

But what of Rice’s then-fianceé, now-wife? See, that’s the thing … she went ahead and married him after he knocked her unconscious and dragged her limp body around, as if she were one of his footballs.

Thank goodness there’s no psychological issues out there that may cause a woman to stay with an abusive man. Oh, but Rice was a rich football player, so that automatically eliminates such a possibility.

I’m glad life is so simple and not made complicated by varying shades of gray.

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Jackie Chiles September 9, 2014 at 8:37 am

Now she can cash in on that sweet, sweet divorce money.

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Torch September 9, 2014 at 9:18 am

If she lives long enough or has a good lawyer while she is comatose to finish the divorce proceedings.

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Toyota Kawski September 9, 2014 at 9:01 am

Fire man-d Fire Man-d

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HD September 9, 2014 at 9:22 am

There is a great deal of research that has been done on this subject, the reading of which (even a small sample) would have served to enlighten you on the psychological dynamics involved. You clearly couldn’t be arsed to bother. Talk about lazy…

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Buz Martin September 9, 2014 at 9:59 am

Love you mightily, but this is BULLSHIT, Mande. She is not “accountable” for any part of it. She was a victim that could have easily died. The “War Machine” story all over again. The more physically powerful male who savagely beats a female has no justification for it. Ever. Let’s not forget the fact that active pedophiles who rape children very often say that the children “enjoyed” it, and even “came on” to them. This is dangerously insane and regressive thinking in this day and age.

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Manray September 9, 2014 at 10:42 am

This woman was the victim of a crime…and you’re blaming her?

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really September 9, 2014 at 4:35 pm

So if this was your sister you would counsel her to “just stay with’em honey, be strong, he needs you!” Because if you say you’d counsel her to leave you’re just as ‘bad’ as Mande

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Manray September 9, 2014 at 10:53 pm

That’s quite an extrapolation to make from my comment. The abused woman is not at fault. Rice is to blame. I don’t get this weird “blame the victim” mentality.

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Guest September 9, 2014 at 11:30 pm

Too bad you learned so little in the process.

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E Norma Scok September 9, 2014 at 10:43 am

While maybe not 100% agreeable, I don’t think Mande deserves the beat down she is taking here.

Seems to me the big question she is asking is why did she go on to marry him. Why go through the planning, the ceremony, the entire process if she knew what she was getting into. This sounds like a reasonable question to me. The then fiance knew the probable outcome of her choices. it’s not like she was locked in a tiger cage in Vietnam; regardless of her circumstances she still had free will to do as she chose. And she did.

All Wilkes is asking for is some self accountability, and in a day where asking someone to be responsible for their own actions is almost a foreign concept, I find it refreshing for a woman to say it.

As a man, I was thinking it.

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 11:43 am

Once again, this problem is very complex. There are numerous reasons why victims stay with their abusers. So many like you have absolutely no clue what it’s all about.

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E Norma Scok September 9, 2014 at 1:12 pm

“very complex”. That sounds like she just wanted the money and lifestyle. This wasn’t an immediate “I have to stay with him”..this lasted for months if not years. She had ample time to get out. And then happily planed a wedding? Uh huh

If you’re saying she plays no part of the blame in this, you’re just wrong.

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Todd September 9, 2014 at 10:57 am

Why can’t the law treat men and women equally? Spit in someone’s face = battery. Smack them in the face, also battery. Both parties are guilty, no charges were filed. This reeks of media racism more than anything else. They love to bring down a famous black man to passive aggressively affirm their own prejudice.

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Buz Martin September 9, 2014 at 11:40 am

Bullshit heaped on top of bullshit, with dogshit on the side.

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Greg Pennington September 13, 2014 at 11:49 am

Ray Rice is facing one count of aggravated assault; he pleaded not guilty

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Karolyn September 9, 2014 at 12:21 pm

Here’s a pretty insightful article about the subject at hand but one who has been there.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ethlie-ann-vare/he-hit-me-and-it-felt-lik_1_b_5781606.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000054&ir=Impact

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Dakota Erikson September 9, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Mandy ! Please volunteer at a domestic violence shelter and learn how the man slowly tears down the woman, leaving her with NO free will. I could write volumes on this subject but it is obvious that you will need to experience this first hand. A very vapid article, BTW.

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J Mande Wilkes September 9, 2014 at 1:59 pm

As I described down thread, I have…

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Buz Martin September 9, 2014 at 11:32 pm

Too bad you obviously learned so little in the process.

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Greg Pennington September 13, 2014 at 12:18 pm

This women did not start dating an NFL player. They have been together since high school. High school is where many of these situations begin. 1/3 of high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship. This is where the conditioning starts. This is where they are beat down and start to think it’s OK. After years of being subjected to this abuse. It’s pretty easy in my opinion to see why they stay and why she would marry him. Those of you commenting on here and passing judgement over this women. Have no idea what has been happening in her life and have no idea what she has been through or why. You see it as “just another gold digger after money.” It couldn’t be further from the truth in my opinion.

Mande, I know you like to be different, controversial and like to stir the pot to see what rises to the top, but on this subject you are doing a great disservice with this article. In a state that leads the country in domestic violence. You should do better then a flip little piece on a very dangerous and sad subject. This sort of piece will give justification to abusers and push victims further away from help.

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