POLITICS

Prioleau Alexander: Joe Biden’s Legacy

Chuck Norris, Elon Musk and John Wick all rolled into one…

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Every former President of the United States of America leaves behind a legacy when they depart the Oval Office – history demands it. So, let’s take a look at the legacies of some of our former commanders-in-chief:

  • George H.W. Bush – A WWII war hero who managed to lose to a draft-dodging dope smoking hippy.
  • Bill Clinton – The first President to use an intern as a humidor. 
  • George W. Bush – A psychopathic globalist who murdered a million Iraqis to enrich his administration and his family.
  • Barack Obama – The Manchurian candidate who came out of nowhere, and destroyed all the advances in race-relations Americans made over the previous decades. 
  • Hillary Clinton Donald J. Trump – Orange awesomeness who got us out of crappy trade deals, orchestrated the lowest unemployment in modern history, shot the economy to the moon, cut taxes, brought peace to the Middle East, stood down Putin and Xi and delivered to America the hottest FLOTUS in history. 
  • Joe Biden (call sign “Celtic”) – There aren’t enough words to describe the rock-solid leadership this gunfighter delivered when the chips were down. Rated a solid Chuck Norris in toughness, an Elon Musk in visionary brilliance, and a John Wick+ when it comes to focus… commitment… and sheer will. The whisper-stream says Celtic once lost $20 billion in military gear during the retreat from Afghanistan with the stroke of his pencil. With a pencil.  

One of the early signs Biden was indeed a new sheriff in town involved Covid. 

When meeting with Anthony Fauci, the medical bureaucrat told Biden there was very little that could be done about the Kung Flu. Biden squinted his eyes like Clint Eastwood (fyi, they got stuck that way) and said, “You sad little worm – back up! Further! 6-feet minimum! I don’t want to see you within the distance I can deliver a roundhouse kick – I’ll lay your ass so deep in the ground, that… wait… what the hell? Is your lip quivering? Put on a mask so I don’t have to see your weakness!”

Fauci followed the orders, then asked in a trembling voice, “What do I do now?”

“Follow orders, you dipshit! You heard me – do it!”

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With masks and social distancing now settled science, Biden sat down at his desk to begin firing off executive orders.

“Why’s this gas so cheap?” he demanded.

“Because we’re energy independent now, Mr. President.”

“Pffft. That’s why everyone drives everywhere, and everyone’s a fat ass. We need them out there getting physical fitness, like me! Bike riding, stair climbing, being led by the hand on a vigorous walk across the lawn. Take us back to energy-dependent… $7 a gallon, minimum!

Soon, it was brought to Biden’s attention that millions of illegal immigrants were stuck on our southern border, unable to cross because of Trump’s strict rules. He pondered the situation, his mind moving like a lightning storm of synaptic gaps firing in perfect unison.

“Lemmie tell you jerkwagons a few tricks I learned back when I was a big football star. Seriously. I’m not kidding—if you want one of your starters to work harder, you make him believe he’s gonna lose his position to a new player. Next, you bench his ass, and make him watch the new guy out of the field… every second enrages him more. Then! Then you put him back into the game and watch him perform like a champion.”

“Mr. President, is this a Corn Pop story?”

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“Corn Pop??? No. But he was a bad duuuude. Anyway, we’ve got a lot really hard jobs here in America that Americans don’t want to do: Stuff involving stoop labor, falling off roofs, losing a hand to a chop-saw, or working in a slaughterhouse. But here’s the rub: I think Americans love these jobs and want to do them – they just need motivation!”

“So, here’s the plan: We’re gonna let in 10-20 million of those brown dudes, so they’ll fan out and snatch up all those jobs. After Americans see how hard they work, and the excellence they provide, they’ll get motivated… then get mad. Next, we remove the brown people, and Americans will dive in feet-first with vim and vigor!”

“Mr. President, how will we get those millions of brown people to leave?”

“Do I have to do everything??? You give them a piece of paper with our phone number and tell ‘em to call us in a year. And if they don’t call in, they’ll be in big trouble! It’ll go on their permanent record.”

When discussing Celtic’s legacy, there are a couple of lesser-known items that should be brought to light, lest people fail to understand what strong and capable hands America was in during Joe’s years in assisted living.

The first took place at the annual Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn. Unbeknownst to the Secret Service, Russian Operator Ivan “Ice Cutter” Konstantinovsky, secreted his way into the crowd, and made his way to the ropes. Celtic, of course, spotted him within seconds, and began to slip towards his location. Seconds before Biden eliminated the wet-work operator, a Navy Seal dressed as the Easter Bunny spotted the Russian and realized Biden’s posture indicated tradecraft that would result in the public witnessing a horrifying decapitation. 

The Easter Bunny’s training kicked in, and he stepped between the two – saving the crowd from viewing an unimaginably grotesque demise and possibly averting WWIII.

Another lesser-known aspect of Biden’s legacy is the public’s mistaken belief that he would “shake hands with the air.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

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So connected was Joe Biden’s warrior soul to the great men of the centuries, they would appear to him (and only him) and congratulate him on his flawless and inspirational oratory. Marcus Aurelius, Richard the Lionhearted, George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, Dwight D. Eisenhower and Martin Luther King, Jr. were common visitors.  

And when George Washington extends his hand… you shake it. 

Joe Biden will also be remembered as an astute businessman, as he worked on a senator’s salary for fifty years, yet somehow achieved a net worth of over $10,000,000. There is zero – and I say again zero – evidence to prove this, but rumors bouncing around in the Senate cloak room indicate he used each congressional recess to work extra jobs. Among them were high-dollar art sales, petroleum-product consulting, international finance, day-trader, and making important scheduled calls to his son Hunter, with whom he was not in business.

He will also, of course, be forever known as a man of law and order – and not just a man committed to breaking up cartels, cleaning up the streets of sanctuary cities and placing a zero-tolerance death penalty on child sex trafficking. No, those are the easy things – Celtic dug deep into the dark world of unthinkable crime, imprisoning grandmothers praying on the sidewalk, not to mention a hundred or so unarmed insurrectionists guilty of misdemeanor trespassing.

As Lunchpail Joe will be remembered in tradition of Judge Roy Bean, he will also be compared to Ghandi, who taught us the importance of love, kindness and forgiveness. One can’t help but get choked up, thinking about the love he showed to tens of thousands of misunderstood BLM rioters. When they were unfairly charged with murder, rape, looting, arson, assault, and destruction of a federal property, he showed kindness by teaming with Kamala Harris to raise money for their bail. 

And finally, the difficult step of forgiveness. Think of the moral insight it takes to say “I forgive you” to disadvantaged youths who destroyed thousands of small businesses and ensure none were prosecuted. That’s agape love in its purest form.

I think that if there’s one thing President Biden would want to be known for – above all else – it would have to be his unwavering commitment to children who think they want to sterilize themselves, cut off their breasts, and remove their male appendages. Imagine the vision and insight it takes to realize a child isn’t old enough to get a tattoo because it’s permanent – but is old enough to permanently mutilate themselves and change their body chemistry for life.  

I, of course, will miss old Joe… he provided such inspiring material about selflessness and patriotism. But at least I still have Nancy, Bill, Hillary, Dubya, Mitch, and Maxine… provided the adrenochrome continues arriving at the Capitol by the 55-gallon drum.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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