Prioleau Alexander: Behind The Dusty Curtains Of Joe Biden’s Mind

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When the DNC convention kicked off, I thought I’d be writing a piece about the infantile and vomitous ramblings given by the various remoras throughout the week. I had no doubt they’d blather on about mentally divergent crap, and it would be a rollicking good time to pick their craziest hypocrisy and provide commentary. 

Well, damn — I couldn’t even make it past the first night before I was overwhelmed with material. As you might recall, the first night was in celebration of the Dem’s success in holding Joe Biden down and smothering his reason for living. Throughout the night the crowd chanted, “Thank you, Joe! Thank you, Joe!”

Poor Joe is probably too far gone to know the unspoken part of the chant: “Thank you, Joe — for realizing you were a dead candidate walking, and not making us invoke the 25th Amendment! Thank you for dropping out and giving us at least a chance to win!” 

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It occurred to me since he couldn’t hear the expanded meaning of the chant, perhaps his fans and followers couldn’t either. I surmised they needed me to help finish those many sentences that Joe slurred his way through. 

Challenge accepted.

Joe’s words will be in bold, and my helpful words from inside his head will follow in italics.

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I ran for President in 2020 because of what I saw in Charlottesville in August of 2017. Extremists coming out of the woods, carrying torches, their veins bulging from their necks, carrying Nazi swastikas and chanting the same exact antisemitic bile that was heard in Germany in the early ’30s. 

And if everyone in the convention center will be very quiet, we can hear that same bile right outside, being screamed right now by our fellow Democrats. Do you hear it? “Kill the Jews! Kill the Jews! From the river, to the sea, murdering all Jews, is good by me!”

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I also ran to rebuild the backbone of America, the middle class.

I realize, of course, that you can see the backbones of middle-class children, which are now sticking out like the fins of a stegosaurus because inflationary prices have made little conveniences like food unaffordable. But, hey — you can’t make a socialist omelette without making eggs unaffordable! 

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Well, during the pandemic, Kamala and I helped states and cities get back their schools back open. 

I’m not kidding, Man… oh, wait. I’m getting a voice in my earpiece … ah! Oh, yes — that’s right. Kamala Harris and I didn’t want to risk turning off the bribes from the teacher’s unions, so we turfed all authority over to the CDC, which spent the entire pandemic making wrong and unscientific decisions. And even when mental health experts began saying we were mind-f*cking an entire generation of kids, we refused to step in and provide leadership, and left every decision to the CDC.

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Think of the message Trump sends around the world when he talks about America being a failing nation.

It’s way worse than the message we send when we fly LGBT flags at our embassies in Muslim countries, and when we manage to turn a basic withdrawal from Afghanistan into a clusterf*ck retreat, where we let thirteen U.S. Marines die and abandoned 10,000 Afghans we promised to patriate to America, and left behind billions in weapons for the Taliban to use to kill the Afghans we promised to protect.

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You know what it’s like when that factory closed where your mother, your father, your grandmother, grandfather worked?

In professions like mining, drilling for oil, fracking, trucking, refining oil, and installing natural gas pipelines?  

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They want to do away with the Department of Education. 

That’s nuts, right? I mean, our education system has improved every year since 1980 when the Department of Education began! Plus, we need their authority to hammer racists like the one who said, “Do you want your children to grow up in a racial jungle?” Jungle? Like where monkeys live??? Talk about an obviously racist double entendre! Would could have said such a thing, right?

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Name me a country in the world that doesn’t think we’re the leading nation in the world. 

But don’t include Americans in your thinking. Since the day the Obama walked into office, us Democrats haven’t shut up about what a racist, Islamophobic, homophobic, misogynistic, xenophobic, transphobic, piece of shit America is… and we’ve convinced 50 percent of Americans we absolutely suck as a country. 

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The most diverse cabinet in history, including the first black woman and South Asian descent to serve as Vice President—and will soon serve as the 47th President of the United States.

I’m proud of that fact, because all that matters when choosing the team of the most powerful people in the world is color, national origin, and what kind of sexual friction they like. I’m hoping Kamela will go even further, and get one of those freaks that identifies as a cat, a pederast, and an illegal immigrant. 

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Then I had to take executive action. The result of the executive action I took: border encounters have dropped over 50 percent. 

Of course, that was after I let 11 million illegals in, and the pace of new arrivals reached 150,000 per month—which I cut to 75,000 a month. KA-Boom, bitches!

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We have only one truly sacred obligation: To prepare and equip those we send to war and care for them and their families when they come home and when they don’t. 

And I want everyone to know when I checked my watch when those thirteen dead Marines arrived home blown to pieces, it was because I cared so much, I wanted to make sure I remembered the exact moment when I achieved orgasmic peak caring.

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We know from his own chief of staff, the four-star general John Kelly, that Trump when in Europe would not go to the grave sites, the one of — in France — the brave service members who gave their lives to this country. He called them suckers and losers.

Let’s ignore the fact that Kelly didn’t quit the job right then and there and report the remarks to the press… and the fact Kelly insisted Trump didn’t say that… then reversed himself after Trump fired his ass. Oh! And let’s not bring up the fact the weather was too crappy to fly via helicopter to the grave sites, and the Secret Service said the logistics of a motorcade made that option a no go. Our legacy media typists never reported that, so why should we?

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Well, guess what? Putin thought he’d take Kyiv in three days. Three years later, Ukraine is still free.

And the best news is that 11,500 of those Ukrainians are totally free, and never again have to worry about food, water, or breathing. Oh, and the 23,600 casualties is nothing to sneeze at either!

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Those protesters out in the street, they have a point.

After all, the Jews control Hollywood, Wall Street, Big Banking, and are per capita just plain too successful. We need a solution. A final solution. Did I mention that ‘from the river to the sea’ thing already?

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And you know Trump will do everything to ban abortion nationwide. 

He’ll no doubt use the same powers I did to institute unlimited fun and free abortion nationwide. 

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Folks, I’ve got five months left in my presidency. I’ve got a lot to do. I intend to get it done.

I’m serious. Just go take a look at my daily schedule — which by law is available on the Internet. I’m cranking out up to two scheduled calls a day.  

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This will be the first presidential election since January 6th. On that day, we almost lost everything about who we are as a country.

But, just between us girls, if a hundred unarmed yo-yos who were told the “protest peacefully” could topple the Republic, it’s probably time we throw in the towel. 

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May God protect our troops.

Because I sure the f*ck ain’t gonna.

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Of course Biden wasn’t the only one thinking without speaking at the convention.

Bernie Sanders: Billionaires suck! 

Crowd: Booooooooooooo, Billionaires!

Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker: Take it from a real billionaire, Trump is stupid!

Crowd: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh, Billionaire Pritzker! You remind us of our beloved comrades Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerburg, Mark Cuban, George Soros, Ted Turner, Tom Steyer, Michael Bloomberg, Sam Bankman-Fried, Jim Simons, and Reid Hoffman! 

Michelle Obama: My Mom never trusted anyone who took more than they needed.

Crowd: Jesus, even we’re smart to know that’s bullshit coming from a woman who owns three mansions, one being an oceanfront mansion twenty miles away from the closest black person. I’ll just need to revert to my training of literally ignoring what I see and hear.

Hopefully I can find a transcript of Harris’ sermon on the mount, as it too will no doubt be ingeniously devoid of policy statements. Stand by for future analysis… 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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