Prioleau Alexander: Starting Over

If I did my job in my recent “June Weddings” advice column, you are now single. Either you broke off an engagement, or you broke up with the person you were seeing because it might lead to an engagement. Smart move, kiddo.

Of course, now you have a problem: You’ve got to start over.  

In dating, you should always follow the “Golden Rule of Attraction,” which means you should pursue the most physically attractive of the opposite sex. There are caveats, of course. Men should avoid pursuing strippers, as it’s usually her lifestyle choices that have resulted in a career on the pole. Women should avoid pursuing gay men, as you never want to be on date with someone who looks more fabulous than you.

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Other than those, looks are the top priority. It doesn’t matter if you don’t fit together—the idea is to be seen together…being seen with your hot new partner brings your desirability up a notch in the eyes of others, and one of those “others” might be someone you will eventually desire. In addition, very attractive partners make for pleasant scenery.

There’s another advantage to dating someone extremely attractive, namely the fact it will never lead to the altar. Extremely attractive people always marry better than what you have to offer.

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TO LIE OR NOT TO LIE …

The easiest way to get a first date, of course, is to lie.

Men: “Yeah … I’m a fighter pilot.”

Women: “Why, yes … I am a model. For Victoria’s Secret porno collection.”

The problem, of course, is after the second or third date … when it becomes increasingly evident they’ll soon discover that you’re actually a Coke machine technician, or a telemarketer for Amway.

What do you do then? How do you reverse those lies?

No problemo.

Assuming you haven’t already told them stories of the four Russian Migs you splashed off the coast of Iceland, you can simply continue the lies … and it works for both the goose and the gander.

Men: “I said I was a fighter pilot??!! Ha Ha …no, I said I would fight to have been a pilot. But then I discovered my true calling: Electronics troubleshooting and direct-to-consumer marketing. I’m a consultant for Coca Cola’s Atlanta office. Fighter pilot??? Wow, you really were drunk that night weren’t you? No wonder you were ready to hop in the sack.”

Women: “A Victoria’s Secret Porn Model??!! Ha Ha … no, I said Victoria’s Secret wanted me to model for them, but I thought it was too pornographic. Actually, I’m in the marketing and communications division of Amway. Wow, you really were drunk that night, weren’t you? No wonder you performed so poorly.”

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THE FOURTH DATE …

In the dating scene, the fourth date is when the trouble starts. This is because the first date is usually achieved through a series of drunken lies, or the sharing of booze or drugs. Because of this, the second and third dates default to more drinking (and/or drugs), and neither of you knowing the other’s name.

Since the first three dates were shallow, the fourth date should probably involve an exchange of small gifts. This warms the moment up, and gives the two of you something to talk about if things aren’t going so swell:

Men: “Here, I got you a Popsicle … you don’t let your teeth hit the Popsicle, do you?”

Women: “Oh, thank you … and I got you a prescription for Viagra. I hear it peps up even the most dismal performers.”

There is a remote chance that the two of you are, in fact, hitting it off. This makes the fourth date even more dangerous, as this is when you start to learn about each other, and perhaps discover things that are a little uncomfortable.

Man: “Wow … I really dig you. Tell me, how did you learn to do that thing where you’re hanging from the ceiling and using bungee cords?”

Woman: “I used to date Motley Crue.”

Or perhaps …

Woman: “How did you get so good at knowing what a woman likes?”

Man: “I used to be a woman.”

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SEIZING THE HIGH GROUND …

Let’s say the miraculous is happening: You’ve been on four dates; you like each other, and things are going along swimmingly. You think this relationship could actually become something temporary (until something better comes along). How do you explain all your shortcomings? 

It’s easy. You grab the high ground, and explain them away:

Your crummy car – “Isn’t is unreal how so many people try to drive a car they can’t afford to make it look like they can afford it? I prefer to spend my money on sponsoring foster children in the rainforest.”

Your crummy apartment – “When I was studying under Ling Dong Fong, I came to the realization that the earth is my home … the sky is my roof … so why spend money on a fancy apartment? I prefer to give my money to the ‘Arms Are For Hugging’ Foundation.”

Your crummy hygiene – “When I think of all those people starving in Zubadambia, I just can’t bring myself to spend money on luxuries like soap and shampoo. I prefer to give my money to the Envision Whirled Peas Organization.”

Your crummy job – “I finally decided to hell with it! Am I a slave? No! So I got out of the rat race. Sure, I work at the Zippy Quik, but now I walk to work, so I’ve got a minimal carbon footprint. Plus, I get to brighten the day of all those winos who stagger in with enough change to buy a 40.”

If your date attempts to push back in any way, accuse them of being materialistic and heartless. Ask them what it feels like to be so shallow and unhappy. Oh, and break up with them, because they’re on to you.

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EARLY QUESTIONS …

After the first few of dates, it is important to begin to learn more about this person. Yes, knowing their name is important, but a little more information can help you sit in judgement of them from a higher pedestal. This process is called “discovery,” and can be uncomfortable at times. As they say, however, a penny of prevention is cheaper than a pound of cure.

Let’s leap right in to some typical discovery questions for you to use:

• I hear that if your parents are fat and ugly when they’re old, you will be, too. Do you have some recent photos of your parents?
• Do you stand to get a big inheritance?
• Do you plan to always work out vigorously and not turn into a big fat load?

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MOVING IN TOGETHER …

There will be times that a relationship goes so well that you will be under the mistaken belief that you want this person around when you wake up in the morning. This move is in direct violation of my happiness system, but I know it’s a move I cannot talk you out of. As a result, I will attempt to ensure the move is as tolerable as possible …and in rare cases, happiness could result.  

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YOUR PLACE, OR NO PLACE …

No matter how much better their place is, the move must be into your place. This enables you to remain the de facto head of the household, because your name is on the lease. There are hundreds of excuses you can use to leverage your position. Tell them:

• My place is where you first tied me up and spanked me … the memories are so warm.
• Your place smells like your ex’s perfume/ cologne.
• My gold fish was buried in my toilet. You expect me to just walk away?
• Your next-door neighbor – the good-looking one – came on to me. I just don’t feel safe at your place.

Once this person has moved into your place (and let the lease expire on their place), you can finally be yourself. Although some of my colleagues would argue that “the becoming your true you” process should occur over a longer period of time, I think one weekend is plenty. Ensure that you have completed the following steps before bedtime on Sunday:

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AN INSPIRATIONAL TALE

There once were two star-crossed lovers named Romeo and Juliet.

As fate would have it, their families hated each other, and forbade the two from dating. In fact, they wouldn’t even let the two lovers see each other, which made it exceedingly difficult for them to be lovers … especially as we’ve come to view the meaning of the word these days.

Romeo and Juliet, however, did not give up easily, and would talk poetry back and forth out Juliet’s window. Their love for each other grew and grew.

One day, before they destroyed their earthly lives by moving in together, they destroyed their earthly lives. Not only did this prevent decades of misery, it gave them an out for doing the seating chart when they got married, and listening to their mom’s bull$hit about where the second cousins were supposed to sit.

All’s well that ends well …

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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