Each year, Americans head to the polls to provide direction to their city, state, and the nation. While some voters are dead, and others do not speak the language of the nation where they live, the average voter doesn’t live in a void. They get news and opinions from somewhere.
I believe there is one literary element that binds all low-information voters together: The grocery store tabloids. To better understand the keen insights offered by this vital Fourth Estate, I decided to dig deep into the on-line editions of these treasure troves of literary prose. What kind of news do they cover? Is there political stuff? Why would someone read these rags?
Kim Kardashian has announced she’s started to drink again, after years of abstinence. Takeaway: Realizing she’s driven 50 million educated Americans to drink, she’s curious about this magic elixir that makes coping with her existence possible.
Dozens of celebrities I’ve never heard of showed off their tanned beach bodies. Takeaway: Bulimia and Human Growth Hormone are alive and well in Hollywood.
Megan Fox, an actual celebrity married to a 6’6” mass of tattooed skin called Machine Gun Kelly, is seeking a “new girlfriend” to add into their mix. Takeaway: Machine Gun Kelly must be more BB gun than machine gun.
Drew Barrymore has finally discovered a healthy relationship with her mom. Takeaway: When enough time passes, you too will forget your mom knowingly stood by while you began drinking champagne in public at age 8, and snorting coke at 14. Takeaway II: It’s possible for someone to make Hunter Biden’s parenting look pretty good.
Anderson Cooper, who’s spent the past several years half-in-the-bag on CNN’s New Year Countdown, did not drink this year. Takeaway: The ratings indicate he should have.
Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler has been accused of sexually assaulting a woman in the 1970’s. Takeaway: “I don’t remember” will soon be used as a legal defense that’s actually true.
Emma Roberts wore a bright pink gym suit and Chuck Taylor sneakers. Takeway: I need to stop reading People, before I let slip the surly bonds of earth.
A newly blonde Maria Osmond and her husband went to Disney World, where she wore a black long sleeve shirt and black Mickey Mouse-printed pants. Takeaway: Maria Osmond is still alive.
Miley Cyrus announced she’s dropping a new single with the message: New Year, New Miley. Takeaway: Since the only thing “new” Miley could do is star in porn, expect the servers in Congress to melt down due searches for “Miley Cyrus.”
In a sublimely brilliant photo essay, we’re told “Celebrities are just like us.” They wrap presents! They take out the trash! They get flu shots! They go on pizza runs! They wear comfy commuter shoes. Takeaway: If you are a C- actor but have the dough, US Magazine will print a picture provided by your publicist.
Meghan Markle is sporting a fashionable new take on the friendship bracelet. Takeaway: Meghan’s publicist wants us to believe she has friends.
Untold numbers of female celebrities are sporting baby bumps. Takeaway: There exist among us people so devoid of class they refer to “being pregnant” as “sporting a baby bump.”
Andy Cohen and Kathy Griffin are still feuding after several years. Takeway: There are people named Andy Cohen and Kathy Griffin in America.
Barbara Walters is dead. Takeaway: Barbara Walters was recently alive.
The Bachelor season 24 alum Victoria Fuller may have gotten engaged to Johnny DePhillipo. Takeaway: The fact that America’s kept The Bachelor alive for 24 seasons is reason enough for Russia, North Korea, China, and Iran to nuke us simultaneously.
George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna has revealed she doesn’t wear underwear. Takeaway: Neither do the corpses of the 100s of thousands of the men and women her father murdered.
Samantha Daily, a life coach and guru at stuff, recently held an immersion retreat at a front beach resort in Las Terrenas, Dominican Republic to teach “like-minded” women her secrets to life. For women seeking a new life in 2023, her advice is clarity, matching the vibration, embodiment, aligned action, and trusting in yourself and Universe/God/Spirit/and your higher self. Takeaway: Ok! Is sorely confused about the socio/economic/educational demographics that read OK!
(Click to view)
Meghan Markle is “under fire” for demasculinizing Prince Harry in public, with a palace insider saying, “He’s lost a lot of respect.” Takeaway: In the King’s English, apparently “a lot” translates here in the colonies to “all.”
An elderly singer named Madonna visited Malawi, one of the poorest countries in Africa, and the birthplace of four of her
kidnapped adopted children. Toting a Gucci bag and sporting a Gucci hat, she had photos made with the impoverished locals, then photoshopped her face into what appears to be Edward Munch’s The Scream. Takeaway: We should all look at ourselves and our careers in the mirror… and when the time comes, be A.E. Housman’s young athlete, not the ghoul formerly known as Madonna.
A thing called Real Housewives garnered a great deal of attention, and I was unable to keep them straight. After a little research, I discovered that it is a series of shows called “Real Housewives of (city’s name).” There are 11 installments of the program in the US, and 20 worldwide. I looked up these “real” housewives, and the only thing real about the show is that the housewives all buy Botox by the 55-gallon drum, and share the world’s worst plastic surgeon. Takeaway: If you aren’t ready for the arrival of the Four Horseman and the Lion of Judah, now’s the time to make preparations.
There are, of course, lots of other places beyond the tabloids to explore gossip, lies, and outright lunacy — The New York Times, for instance.
Unfortunately, their on-line material is posted behind a paywall, so I couldn’t review it. I’d buy a copy, but it’s not fair to the trees. If a tree is going to give its life to be paper, it shouldn’t be subjected to its corpse being used as NYT paper. It could be something useful, like toilet paper.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile.
WANNA SOUND OFF?
Got something you’d like to say in response to one of our articles? Or an issue you’d like to proactively address? We have an open microphone policy here at FITSNews! Submit your letter to the editor (or guest column) via email HERE. Got a tip for a story? CLICK HERE. Got a technical question or a glitch to report? CLICK HERE.