I have always viewed myself as something of an idea guy, but most of my most brilliant visions spend a good deal of time in my jeans’ back-pocket, scribbled on week-old, beer-stained, cocktail napkins — exploring ideas for things like making up a currency that doesn’t exist that’s backed by nothing.
Granted that sounds a lot like America’s currency, but the sawbuck is at least backed by the “full faith and credit of the United States.” Since that promise includes the backing of the U.S. military, I’ll take that guarantee over some computer nerds “mining” for some 1s and 0s, and blathering about unbreakable block-chain. I’ll believe it’s unbreakable when it survives a squadron of A-10s going brrrrrt on the guy who holds the source codes.
Every so often, my propensity for great ideas leads to me making predictions about a coming year — but not too often. The accuracy frightens people, and if there’s one thing our nation doesn’t need, it’s more frightened people. We’ve become a nation that grows hysterical about the collapse of the Republic when someone says, “We should confirm the one-man-one-vote idea by confirming that one man casts only one vote.”
Most people just can’t handle the truth, but heavy is the head that wears the crown. I must begin.
In 2023, I predict we will make a huge step forward by replacing our tedious voting system. MSNBC will conduct an on-line poll (un-hackable like our current mail-in systems) and ask viewers: Which concept makes you happier: Sacrificing every facet of luxury in your life to ensure your children advance beyond your socio-economic status? Or free ice cream?
To the victor goes the spoils.
This will also be the year when the fed quits “printing money,” as it is no longer required. Why? Because economic history shows clearly wealth isn’t created by the amount of value you provide to society, or the personal financial risks you take in doing so — wealth is created by the government. And every dollar you have is a dollar someone else can’t have. Since it’s always best to believe the economics, all American’s bank accounts will be filled and endlessly refilled with Infinity™ Money.
I think this will be the year we will balance the budget. This will come about when someone looks at the Fed check book, and realizes how the outgoing and incoming money don’t match. They will then use an old college student checkbook trick — pre-online-banking — when they open a new account, allowing the old one to “rest” and “catch up.” It should “catch up” just in time for Hunter, the 8th of His Name, to be coronated.
Another exciting development will be when the National debt is retired. Currently, the White House is in negotiations with a title loan lender on Rivers Avenue to accept the title to all US National Parks as collateral.
With all economic problems now solved, I believe 2023 will be the year that America finally comes to understand that all of humanities’ unalienable rights do not come from God — they are granted by governments, and thus can be taken away.
In a recent poll, residents of the Central African Republic — and 17 other African nations — agreed America has it all backwards on the Second Amendment: Rights come from the benevolence of the government, and watching your children hacked to death by a machete is a small price to pay when compared to owning a weapon whose only reason for existence is literally to kill. After all, a machete can also be used to clear brush — you know, the place where children might be hiding.
(Click to view)
In the summer of ’23, AOC will wear a t-shirt so tight it will cut off blood circulation to her brain, and before fainting she’ll blurt out something that makes sense.
The GOP, now proud owners of the U.S. House of Representatives, will stop at nothing to fulfill their primary duty, which is getting re-elected. Once the polls show they’ve purchased enough votes via freebies to return to their nest in the Swamp, they’ll take a hint from Africa, and use a machete to hack up their morals, values, and campaign promises.
Democrats will also use 2023 as a time for the bully pulpit and let us know they’re “literally shaking” about the Republicans attempts to reduce free ice cream by a teaspoon a month, which they aren’t.
The whisper steam says Rand Paul will put forth a bill requiring Congress to wear NASCAR jackets, emblazoned with their major corporate donors’ logos. His plan is not to embarrass his fellow “distinguished colleagues,” but to make Congress more efficient. If you know who’s owned by who, you bribes can be better directed to someone unfunded in your area of concern.
I believe 2023 will also be the year we begin to recognize the plight of a compromised group called “transgender.” Although they’ve remained in the shadows for the past few years, this will be the year they emerge.
And why not? Our schools are fully funded, our graduation/literacy rates are at 100 percent, out-of-wedlock-under-aged birth rates are hovering around 0.3 percent, we’re at peace with China, illegal drugs are eradicated, the Southern Border is closed, global hunger is over, our homeless are all receiving mental health treatment, no one needs financial assistance from the government, our Vets are all employed, Social Security and Medicare are now on solid footing … isn’t it time we turn to what’s important?
I predict the raucous issue of man-made global warming will be put to bed in 2023, when a team of scientists unfunded in any way by the Federal government comes forward to prove definitively that a) The last mini-ice age, that occurred between 1645 and 1725, was a hoax, and the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware dodging huge ice floes was part of the cover-up, b) the climate has never changed on its own, c) dinosaurs were driven to extinction not by climate change, but by conservative cavemen.
Kan-yee West will be retained by the Biden Administration to move the embassy in Israel from Jerusalem back to Tel Aviv.
When Vlad Putin threatens nuclear war for, like, the eighth time, President Biden will sign an executive order stating, “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say, bounces off me and sticks to you. Times infinity. No take backs.”
2023 will also be the year when the GOP uses its newfound power in the House to investigate Hunter Biden, Burisma, money funneled to the “big guy,” Fauci’s windfall profits from Covid, the lack of arrests made during the BLM summer of love, the crisis at the Southern Border, FBI/DOJ corruption, and Hillary’s role in the Russia Hoax.
In a stroke of brilliance, however, they will launch all the investigations at the same time — Friday at 5:00 pm — and on Monday the media all scream, “Look! Over there! It’s Bigfoot!” With all of America in a daze and looking to The View for answers, order and gentility between the parties will be restored, they will once again reinstate their quarterly intern-exchanges with the DNC.
There are, of course, more coming truths I could provide but, you can’t handle the truth.
You see, we live in a world lies, and those lies are delivered by people in power. Who’s gonna expose them? You? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep reading my predictions, and you curse my insights. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that my predictions, while tragic, probably made a liberal think; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, causes some Americans to understand how close we are to being a Banana Republic.
You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me calling bullshit — you need me calling bullshit.
I use words like “logic,” “fact,” and “economic sanity.” I use these words as the backbone of a year spent watching Joe Biden shake hands with the air, and the media failing to challenge his ability to take an unscripted question. You use them as a punch line.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a reader who rises and sleeps under the blanket of our governmental idiocy, then questions the manner in which I point it out.
I would rather that you just said, “thank you,” and went on your way.
Either way, I wish you and yours a non-apocalyptic 2023.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of two books: ‘You Want Fries With That?’ and ‘Dispatches Along the Way.’ Both are available on Amazon. He hopes to have another title published soon, but that would require his agent actually doing his job, so it may be awhile.
WANNA SOUND OFF?
Got something you’d like to say in response to one of our articles? Or an issue you’d like to address proactively? We have an open microphone policy here at FITSNews! Submit your letter to the editor (or guest column) via email HERE. Got a tip for a story? CLICK HERE. Got a technical question or a glitch to report? CLICK HERE.
SIGN UP …
I love your presentation!! I find myself laughing and agreeing with you so many times.
What have I learned as a 50 yr old white father who started his own business from scratch and saved money for my three kids to go to college from the day they were each born?
I learned that if I borrowed their college money it would have been forgiven much like the COVID business loans that were given out and then forgiven. Now the government knows a lot about every industry and the money it makes so it can tax various industries more.
PA- Your columns are both thought provoking and just plain funny. Thank you for sharing your talents.