Good Stuff

Ohio State: “That Time At Band Camp”

PAGING DEAN WORMER … Remember the Ohio State University marching band? Its members wowed the country last year with their amazing on-field performances. This year they’re in the news for their off-field exploits … Specifically, the OSU band is being investigated for fostering a “hostile” culture – including secrecy oaths,…


Remember the Ohio State University marching band? Its members wowed the country last year with their amazing on-field performances.

This year they’re in the news for their off-field exploits …

Specifically, the OSU band is being investigated for fostering a “hostile” culture – including secrecy oaths, “objectionable traditions” and sexual harassment. The probe stems from complaints made by a female band member’s parents – prompting someone at OSU (of distant relation to Dean Wormer, were guessing) to issue a detailed report outlining the abuse.

And yes, the report is absolutely hilarious …

“Witnesses described an event called ‘Midnight Ramp,’ which they explained was a longstanding tradition involving Marching Band members wearing only their underwear marching into the football stadium through the ramp,” the report alleges. “Multiple witnesses provided similar descriptions of students stripping down to their underwear and entering the stadium through the ramp. Two witnesses indicated that a few Band members get completely naked. According to one female witness, more senior members of the Band warn new members to wear comfortable (fuller coverage) underwear before Midnight Ramp. She also stated that female members have gone shopping together at Victoria’s Secret to buy underwear for the event.”

Up next are the band’s sexually explicit nicknames, which according to the report include “Ballsacagawea, Bater, Boob Job, Donk, ERV (“E” Row Vibrator), Fleshlight, G?na, Jewoobs (given to a Jewish student with large breasts), Jizzy, Mushroom Stamp, Squirt, Sugar Bush, Swoob, Taint Brush, Testicles, Tiggles, Tits Mcgee, Triple Crown, Tulsa, Twat Thumper and Twinkle Dick.”

The report encourages readers to consult if they do not understand these “slang terms.”

Ready for more?

The OSU report alleges that “Rookie Introductions” were conducted on new members of the band, and that “these sometimes included sexually explicit questioning and dirty jokes.”

“A witness stated that one such episode entailed using a dildo as a microphone,” the report alleges.

The horror, right?

Band members also reportedly play a game called “Marry, F*ck, Kill” – although even our tragically unhip founding editor can tell you the game is really called “F*ck, Marry, Kill.”

How does he know that?  He’s played the Downton Abbey edition.

Other alleged misconduct includes “dirty limericks” (Nantucket, anyone?) and students performing a maneuver known as the “flying 69.”

“This involved two students posing in the ’69’ position while holding themselves in the air from the luggage racks or allowing other students to hold them in the air,” the report alleges. “Pam Bork, a physical therapist from Student Health Services who volunteered with the Band for 18 years, stated that she witnessed the “flying 69” performed on (the) bus during the September 14, 2013 Cal game trip.”

Sheesh …

As far as we can tell, nothing in the OSU band report rises about the level of kids having fun.  In fact, in a perfect world the school would launch an immediate investigation seeking to determine the last time anyone associated with this witch hunt of the band actually got laid themselves.

Because our guess is it’s been awhile …

Here’s a news flash: College kids have sex.  And joke about sex.  And act in wildly inappropriate, sexually overt ways.  As long as any physical contact related to such sexual humor/ experimentation is consensual … what’s the big deal?

Oh well … no word on when the band’s “double secret probation” will be announced, but we’ll be sure to keep you updated.

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Native Ink July 26, 2014 at 7:15 pm

Wow. I used to think Ohio State sucks. I’ve changed my mind. It’s only the Ohio State fans in Charleston who suck. The band rocks!

TontoBubbaGoldstein July 26, 2014 at 8:12 pm

“…Ohio State fans in Charleston … suck.”

Quite possibly the truest statement that has ever been posted in the FITSNEWS comment section.

E. Norma Scok July 27, 2014 at 10:32 pm

Anymore, that’s growing part of our local population.Whoever is left last in Ohio, please turn out the lights!

shifty henry July 26, 2014 at 7:38 pm

“Up next are the band’s sexually explicit nicknames, which according to the report include ….. ”

Well, here we go —- with some of those nicknames showing up here as screen names, and the fun begins!

Bible Thumper July 26, 2014 at 8:34 pm

No comment.

shifty henry July 26, 2014 at 10:14 pm

— just for you

It was Sunday morning in a men’s class in a famous local church school.

“Will you please tell me,” said a member to the teacher, “how far in actual miles Dan is from Beersheba? All my life I have heard the familiar phrase ‘from Dan to Beersheba,’ but I have never known the distance.”

Before the answer could be given, another member arose in the back of the room, and inquired:

“Do I understand that Dan and Beersheba are the names of places?”

“Yes,” replied the teacher.

“That is one on me. I always thought they were husband and wife, like Sodom and Gomorrah.”

RogueElephant July 27, 2014 at 1:37 pm

Sounds like govt. education somehow got into Sunday School. LOL

Twat Thumper July 27, 2014 at 9:25 pm

“Mushroom Stamp” has a familiar ring to it. Something to do with Thad and Candice, I think. First time I’d ever heard it.

shifty henry July 27, 2014 at 10:24 pm

—- same for me, and I want to see a photo of it

Cicero July 26, 2014 at 7:38 pm

This just goes to show you how uptight modern libs are. This kind of shit has gone on FOREVER on college campuses, and yet only now is it getting news. In the “repressive” 50’s, the band leader would’ve gotten at most a stern talking-to, mostly about getting caught by some sensible-shoe-wearer and then nothing more. For all their “sexual freedom,” college leftos could lighten the fuck up.

Footloose July 27, 2014 at 4:43 pm

Yeah, what happened? I remember when libs have fun and loved to be rebels.

Commie Lite July 27, 2014 at 8:37 pm

They stopped taking drugs and started taking themselves too seriously. It wasn’t enough for them to live on their own communes, they decided they had to force it on the rest of the population.

Paul July 26, 2014 at 8:01 pm

So, that is where Richard, I will “lick your taint clean” Ecksrom got his nickname.

Sandi's brother Marvin July 26, 2014 at 8:17 pm

Great article by FITS! Just a reminder however….it is THE Ohio State University. :-)
I sure hope Tom Ervin and the ugly old lady didn’t’ read this. Makes me sic to my stomach that ‘traitor tommy’ might just put a ‘flying 69’ @ the ‘ Midnight Ramp’ on the ugly old lady.

Soft Sigh from Hell July 27, 2014 at 5:33 pm

Things change. It was THE Ukraine until recently too.

rwwllms July 26, 2014 at 8:31 pm

When I was in high school band there was a girl we called Zit Tit.

Squishy123 July 26, 2014 at 9:10 pm

If only parents knew what went on on USC marching band, and I’m sure most every other college, roadtrips. I work with a woman who was on it a few years ago and she said it was typically a 24 hour orgy.

tomstickler July 26, 2014 at 11:49 pm

No mention of the tradition back in my day, where the smallest member of the band would jump to the shoulders of the largest (all-male band in those days) and wave around a dried bull penis at every Buckeye touchdown?

Soft Sigh from Hell July 27, 2014 at 5:30 pm

I had heard of Cornbelt rubes but this really puts their “six decades behind the times” shenanigans into focus. How quaint.
BTW: have goldfish now been completely forgotten?

RHood2 July 28, 2014 at 4:31 am

I don’t know what it says about me that I do not believe I need to consult the about any of those names.
Well. One.
Tiggles. Is that something you USE or something you CATCH from unrestrained college sex?
Or both?
“My tiggles itch because i got tiggles from a three way with Donk and Ballsacagewea.” Is that possible?

G Clifford Prout July 28, 2014 at 12:32 pm

As someone who actually knew Jack O Evans (and that will date me) I’m surprised that we escaped doing hard time for what we did in band.

Tazmaniac July 28, 2014 at 2:49 pm

Well the Libs started with the Jet Pilots in Tailhook. You knew it would only be a matter time before they attacked the revelry of marching bands, dang prudes.

P!NG August 25, 2014 at 10:21 am

I see no photographic of video evidence of this.


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