Call it the Ceramicus Squirrelis Redneckus …
A deadly new squirrel species has been discovered in South Carolina thanks to the Christmas Eve exploits of Helen Williams of Charleston, S.C.
According to WCIV TV 4 (ABC – Charleston, S.C.), Williams repeatedly stabbed her boyfriend with a ceramic squirrel because he failed to bring home beer.
Ah yes … “it’s a great day in South Carolina,” people.
“When officers questioned Williams, she said nothing happened, the man just fell and cut himself,” WCIV reported. “However, the report states that Williams was also covered in blood. She told the officers that the blood was not the victim’s, that it had been there.”
Mmhmmm …
The victim told police Williams had dispatched him to buy beer, but he was unable to do so because it was Christmas Eve and all the stores were closed. While attempting to make a sandwich, the man was repeatedly stabbed by the enraged, squirrel-wielding Williams – receiving multiple cuts to his head and chest.
Yikes …
Courtesy of the Charleston County Detention Center, here’s a look at the perpetrator …
Double yikes!
Williams was arrested and charged with criminal domestic violence of a high and aggravated nature. She is currently being held on $10,000 bond. The victim was hospitalized.
FIRST REACTIONS
.@fitsnews can we discuss how bad of a woman she is? The guy had to make the damned sandwich.
— Nick (@TPANick) December 28, 2013
@fitsnews whole new meaning to as crazy as a pet squirrel.
— Elliott Summey (@ElliottSummey) December 28, 2013
17 comments
There had to be a gas station open somewhere!
Dude got his desserts.
Pro Tip:
When sent for beer, return with beer. If you can’t find beer…don’t return.
Simple, really.
Bonus Pro Tip:
If your significant other looks like miss Helen… NEVER even come close to running out of beer. In fact, TBG would recommend hard liquor.
Double Bonus ProTip (Hey, It’s the holidays!):
Sometimes the best defense is a good offence.
He should have made her make him his sammich.
“Deserts”
Odd, but true.
After a brief Google search returning sites as diverse as Snopes and Urbandictionary…it appears you are correct, sir.
All his life, TBG thought it was “just desserts” and that “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad” was The University of Georgia’s fight song…
Next TBG will probably be informed that the central message of Buddhism is not “Every man for himself”.
Doofus, thy name is Tonto.
The dude shouldn’t date ugly fat chicks!
She sounds like a candidate for hormone replacement therapy. In any case, she should be treated with a gonadotropin. So, she was just aggravating her condition by ingesting more beer.
And by the way, do you know how to make a hormone?
Promise her a Mercedes..
Ceramic squirrels, the weapon of choice when you’re fucking nuts.
I’ll bet those squirrels up Maria’s, Kelly’s and Donna’s skirts will, in the end , prove more deadly and harmful than the ceramic one!
Sanford, Peeler and Eckstrom will pay a higher price than that already realized through reputation and financial destruction.
These women are a cancer to all they come in contact with. The ceramic squirrel pales in comparison. The nuts keep falling in South Carolina!
Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse.
As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, “Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?”
Mickey responds, “No, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”
+5 I’m still laughing…
My UPS Center Manager told that joke to us “guys on the belt” in 1975!!!
But I’ve loved/told it since then!!!
Thanks Herb Ballard where ever you are!!!
This sounded like white crime to me. But, thought that I had seen a picture of a black woman somewhere.
Oh, I know, I thought the stabbing over the wedding colors was definitely white, but that was where I saw the black woman.
Ceramic squirrels will be outlawed, and only criminals will will have ceramic squirrels.
+2 to you on that one …
It’s already making the rounds on MSN…………….
If the dude was gay he wouldn’t have such issues. No he wouldn’t at all. It just wouldn’t be that way. Gay dudes would not have CERAMIC SQUIRRELS in their adobe!
Chivalry is dead, and so is chauvinism.
Thank goodness (for him, at least) that she didn’t have access to a rettysnitch in the house.
http://www.natradioco.com/rdey/rs.gif
Has anyone else seen the pics of the three women who are accused of murdering the Branchville Fire Chief? This one is ugly enough that they might want to see if she was involved or not. She would fit right in with the others.