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Cunnilingus: Hazardous To Your Health?

Actor Michael Douglas has ignited a major global debate with his shocking statements regarding oral sex and throat cancer. The 68-year-old star of Wall Street, Basic Instinct and Traffic was asked by The (U.K.) Guardian whether he regretted his many years of smoking and drinking – which were thought to have led…

Actor Michael Douglas has ignited a major global debate with his shocking statements regarding oral sex and throat cancer.

The 68-year-old star of Wall Street, Basic Instinct and Traffic was asked by The (U.K.) Guardian whether he regretted his many years of smoking and drinking – which were thought to have led to his 2010 diagnosis of throat cancer.

“No,” Douglas told the paper. “Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV (human papillomavirus), which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

Wait … cunnilingus? For those of you educated in South Carolina public schools, cunnilingus refers to the act of performing oral sex on the female vagina (a.k.a. “going down,” “eating out,” “muff diving”). It can be either the best or the worst thing in the world depending on the vagina, and (with the notable exception of our founding editor) women are generally much better at it than men.

Anyway … Douglas’ comments quickly went, um, “viral” – with hundreds of media outlets reporting on the story. Our intrepid liberal columnist Amy Lazenby covered the issue too, writing this very grown-up piece regarding the debate over South Carolina’s HPV vaccine legislation.

(You can read our take on that legislation here).

But was Douglas commenting on his own experience? Or was he merely speaking in generalities?

“Michael Douglas did not say cunnilingus was the cause of his cancer,” his spokesman said Monday. “It was discussed that oral sex is a suspected cause of certain oral cancers as doctor’s in the article point out but he did not say it was the specific cause of his personal cancer.”

Hmmmm …

Either way this is terrible, terrible news …

After undergoing intensive chemotherapy, Douglas has been cancer free for more than two years – and we’re glad for him. But dude … did you have to ruin it for the rest of us?

UPDATE: Oh, Sic. Dear, dear Sic …

UPDATE II: For those of you who didn’t get the “Col. Angus” reference … 

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103 comments

CorruptionInColumbia June 3, 2013 at 11:36 am

I hope Douglas is wrong about muff diving being the cause. If he is correct, I’m toast.
:-(

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Smirks June 3, 2013 at 11:40 am

Yep, looks like I’m going down too, in more ways than one I suppose.

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CorruptionInColumbia June 3, 2013 at 11:36 am

I hope Douglas is wrong about muff diving being the cause. If he is correct, I’m toast.
:-(

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Smirks June 3, 2013 at 11:40 am

Yep, looks like I’m going down too, in more ways than one I suppose.

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CorruptionInColumbia June 3, 2013 at 11:43 am

Loved the SNL clip. That was sheer genius!!!!

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lowcorider June 3, 2013 at 12:17 pm

I concur

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Darth June 4, 2013 at 8:56 am

Long ago (Chevy Chase days of “It isn’t what you hum, but how you hum”) they did a sketch about an Irish fried chicken business that was Colonel Lingus’

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CorruptionInColumbia June 4, 2013 at 9:00 am

I hope I run up on that one somewhere. Sounds great!

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CorruptionInColumbia June 3, 2013 at 11:43 am

Loved the SNL clip. That was sheer genius!!!!

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Lowcorider June 3, 2013 at 12:17 pm

I concur

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Darth June 4, 2013 at 8:56 am

Long ago (Chevy Chase days of “It isn’t what you hum, but how you hum”) they did a sketch about an Irish fried chicken business that was Colonel Lingus’

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CorruptionInColumbia June 4, 2013 at 9:00 am

I hope I run up on that one somewhere. Sounds great!

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PSA June 3, 2013 at 11:56 am

Sex is dangerous. I think Farrah Fawcett’s rectal cancer had a link to an elicit sex act! Make the world a safer place: abstain from sex.

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pre-Alzheimers brain June 3, 2013 at 1:46 pm

illicit not elicit

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PSA June 3, 2013 at 11:56 am

Sex is dangerous. I think Farrah Fawcett’s rectal cancer had a link to an elicit sex act! Make the world a safer place: abstain from sex.

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pre-Alzheimers brain June 3, 2013 at 1:46 pm

illicit not elicit

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Cicero June 3, 2013 at 12:09 pm

Exhibit #7223 in the anti-Mace case.

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Cicero June 3, 2013 at 12:09 pm

Exhibit #7223 in the anti-Mace case.

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GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 12:12 pm

How much does your stupidity and worship to the gods of liberalism have to cost you?…are you so Disease Rotted and Souless, that you will scrcifice your children to your idols…???

Liberal Promiscuity is what is Hazardous to your health..

AIDS, Sluttin’ or bath houses…immorality is the culprit…

But the Truth is deemed too “preachy” and does not fit the Liberal propaganda template…so you get idiots like your “Sage” FITS, missing it yet again…How sad and pitiful…where your gods want you..

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A Friend June 3, 2013 at 1:19 pm

You can get this from sex with your spouse, T.
Think before you write.
Oh, wait, that would require you to have a brain. Never mind.

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promiscuity June 3, 2013 at 1:50 pm

yeah, but where did your spouse get it and where did her prior partner get it and his prior partner? (assuming hetero contact)

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GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 2:41 pm

With liberals: All adversity has no origin…unless they can blame a Right Wing Cabal…(see Hillary)…
Being a liberal means all consequenses they told us were mythical…spring from the ether…

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A Friend June 3, 2013 at 5:10 pm

Just because a person’s spouse had sex prior to marriage doesn’t make the spouse promiscuous, and it certainly doesn’t make the person he married promiscuous. A person who was a virgin before marriage could get this from her husband if he had sex just once prior to marriage. This is hardly “promiscuity.”

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promiscuity June 4, 2013 at 10:16 am

You’re right. This virus has spread exponentially because of promiscuous behavior (unprotected sex, multiple partners, not paying attention in health class- info has been around for decades now) that a virgin or an unsuspecting spouse can contract it with just one encounter. And that, is a crying shame.

Torch June 3, 2013 at 7:32 pm

Might be his spouse’s current lover.

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Smirks June 3, 2013 at 1:34 pm

It appears you’ve sacrificed your brain to the gods of conservatism.

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dwb619 June 3, 2013 at 7:56 pm

Why would they want to conserve it?

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dwb619 June 3, 2013 at 7:55 pm

Your safe,big idio”T”.

Masturbation hasn’t been linked to cancer.

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TontoBubbaGoldstein June 4, 2013 at 10:08 am

That’s great news!

I just wish Fits would use a bigger, and less blurry, font. It seems to be getting worse.

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9" June 3, 2013 at 12:22 pm

Drugs,alcohol,cigarettes? Now,he wants to blame it on trigger-licking? Bullshit.This is his way of promoting his new Liberace movie.He’s the same bastard who stole Ken Kesey’s,’Cuckoo’s Nest’.What a no account asshole.

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GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 1:00 pm

Yeah 9″: And I’d even venture to say: all those Churches and Christians you, Obama and the IRS HATE…are the Cause…

Your lust for Filth, Promiscuity and Taking the Gas-pipe, deep, could Never be the cause…All of those wonderful, dirty practices you wallow in, could NEVER cause anything but the Utopia you tell us they are…

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WTF? June 3, 2013 at 2:35 pm

Gas-pipe?

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9" June 4, 2013 at 7:20 am

Reading comprehension is not your strong suit…

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GrandTango June 4, 2013 at 7:32 am

Morality and decency, are not yours…

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Sex Eddy June 4, 2013 at 11:25 am

Palin’s has another grand kid on the way…

dwb619 June 3, 2013 at 7:53 pm

I watched it. It is a comedy, right?

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9" June 3, 2013 at 12:22 pm

Drugs,alcohol,cigarettes? Now,he wants to blame it on trigger-licking? Bullshit.This is his way of promoting his new Liberace movie.He’s the same bastard who stole Ken Kesey’s,’Cuckoo’s Nest’.What a no account asshole.

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dwb619 June 3, 2013 at 7:53 pm

I watched it. It is a comedy, right?

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Raymond June 3, 2013 at 12:56 pm

““Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV (human papillomavirus), which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

Imagine if he’d gotten specific.

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Raymond June 3, 2013 at 12:56 pm

““Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV (human papillomavirus), which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

Imagine if he’d gotten specific.

Reply
vicupstate June 3, 2013 at 1:12 pm

About 9 months ago, an old college friend had the same experience Douglas did. Same cancer, same source, also cured. True story.

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vicupstate June 3, 2013 at 1:12 pm

About 9 months ago, an old college friend had the same experience Douglas did. Same cancer, same source, also cured. True story.

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jimlewisowb June 3, 2013 at 1:18 pm

“Haley was #5”

Are we talking on a scale of 1 to 10 she was a 5
Are we talking she is only the 5th woman to allow you to get your nose that close to her WMD
Are we talking you had to down a 5th of Scotch to kill the taste of curry

Little clarification would be helpful

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jimlewisowb June 3, 2013 at 1:18 pm

“Haley was #5”

Are we talking on a scale of 1 to 10 she was a 5
Are we talking she is only the 5th woman to allow you to get your nose that close to her WMD
Are we talking you had to down a 5th of Scotch to kill the taste of curry

Little clarification would be helpful

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GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 1:52 pm

But remember: The liberals and liberal-tarians told us “How Good It Was Gone Be”…
More lies and myths from the left turn deadly…imagine that…

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Dr. Ruth June 3, 2013 at 2:38 pm

Seriously, when did oral sex become a liberal thing?

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GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 3:07 pm

Anti-monogamy, pro-promiscuity,pro-abortion, anti-family, pro-bath houses, pro-NAMBLA and pro- free-for-all sex…w/ no consequences. Those are all leftwing things…You gleefully support Filth on every stage…

Like you tried to blame AIDS on er’body else and begged billions and billions in funding…

So typical: You make a big mess by DEMANDING to do as you please. You even sell it as the thing to do. But when your handiwork comes home to roost you say: Who: What Me???…You ignorant son of B!*c#…

You may fool Dumb@$$ liberals like yourself and FITS…but real people see you as Stupid…

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LD June 3, 2013 at 3:21 pm

No T– real people see you as stupid.

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GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 3:30 pm

Has ONE of you EVER come up w/ a thought that I did not originate…???

Clue: A joke, or an observation, is like a tea-bag. It loses its flavor the second or third time around…It’s strong on first punch…

You Vapid Drones would be smart to figure that out…

Trango Towers June 3, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Here’s my original thought that you have not previously entertained: You’re totally wrong on almost everything. Cases in point…..Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann, Sex, Christians, Hilter, Black Pantehers, Liberals, Tectonic Plates, Mustard Brands…….There, that was simple.

GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 4:04 pm

Problem for you: when you try to explain yourself, and your dogma, you fall apart..because most of your support is given to you by propagandists, who operate on liberal lies and myths…
Lucky for you: You’re too F*#kin Stupid to know they are making you look like a Dumb@$$…

The Rest Of Us June 3, 2013 at 4:19 pm

Well, look at the time…gotta get back to work.

dwb619 June 3, 2013 at 7:59 pm

I have to admit to fantasies involving Bachmann and Palin!
Oh yeah, throw in that little “witch” from Delaware,she’s got those crazy eyes also.

Tché June 3, 2013 at 3:51 pm

You either live for abuse due to some early psychological trauma that can manifest itself in the form of a narcississtic, self rightious tool, or you’re really just a dumbass…*Hint: The former can be helped…

GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 4:01 pm

Another Typical Cliche…

dwb619 June 3, 2013 at 8:00 pm

I believe his goes BONE deep.

Tché June 3, 2013 at 4:02 pm

“Has ONE of you EVER come up w/ a thought that I did not originate…???”

I think I’ll play troll all day.
I think I’ll tell everyone how great Bush was.
I think I’ll compare everone that dissagress with me a libtard.
I think I’ll NOT look for a job, but act like I’m a CEO…

Yessiree, you F#?k!n, dumb@$$es!!

GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Talking about me, is not original, you idiot…Why can’t you defend your god and master and your dogma???…

Tché June 3, 2013 at 4:15 pm

Dude, I was in agreement with ya! Chill my brotha…chill. Just thinking like you as you said…

LD June 3, 2013 at 4:05 pm

The “tea party” is similiar to the “tea bag”, it loses its flavor the second or third time around. However, there are different types of “tea bags”– which do you prefer?
With Michele Bachmann retiring, I really need you for material. With great thinkers like you, why should the rest of us waste our precious energy thinking when we can be doing drugs, having orgies and thinking of ways to spend our government money to keep the ecomony going.

GrandTango June 3, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Hahaha..on que: you thought you found an original nugget…only to be caught trying to recycle a thought I had to give you…
You people cannot have very high IQs…Really???

LD June 3, 2013 at 5:36 pm

Forgive me oh wise one for not being capable of original thought- the fact that I am even responding to you indicates an IQ in the 70s. Must be the glue on my food stamps, oops EBT card. Anyway, back to crack pipe.

A Friend June 3, 2013 at 10:38 pm

“Has ONE of you EVER come up w/ a thought that I did not originate…???”

Me. All the time.

dwb619 June 3, 2013 at 7:57 pm

I believe any pleasurable sex is a “liberal” thing.

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Soft Sigh from Hell June 3, 2013 at 8:16 pm

“The Lethal Lick” “Tongue Troubles” “The Graveyard Groove”

There have to be a few pulp fiction titles and stories that could be wrung out of this sad association.

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Soft Sigh from Hell June 3, 2013 at 8:16 pm

“The Lethal Lick” “Tongue Troubles” “The Graveyard Groove”

There have to be a few pulp fiction titles and stories that could be wrung out of this sad association.

Reply
Brea Bennett June 3, 2013 at 9:52 pm

Why can I not post a photo of my encounters? Photos are disabled?

Reply
Brea Bennett June 3, 2013 at 9:52 pm

Why can I not post a photo of my encounters? Photos are disabled?

Reply
Fandango June 4, 2013 at 6:09 am

Man goes into bar, sits and orders a beer.
He notices guy at the other end drinking a beer, never talking or approaching any girls. Yet in a few hours leaves with the best looking female in the place.
Few days later goes into same bar orders a beer and sees the same guy, never says anything, just sitting and drinking a beer. Yet again leaves with the best looking girl in the place.
This goes on night, after night.
Finally he calls over the bar tender and asks what is up with this guy?
Bartender says, I don’t know. He comes in night after night, orders a beer sits there never approaches anyone, yet leaves with best looking women. He just sits drinking his beer, licking his eyebrows.

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Fandango June 4, 2013 at 6:09 am

Man goes into bar, sits and orders a beer.
He notices guy at the other end drinking a beer, never talking or approaching any girls. Yet in a few hours leaves with the best looking female in the place.
Few days later goes into same bar orders a beer and sees the same guy, never says anything, just sitting and drinking a beer. Yet again leaves with the best looking girl in the place.
This goes on night, after night.
Finally he calls over the bar tender and asks what is up with this guy?
Bartender says, I don’t know. He comes in night after night, orders a beer sits there never approaches anyone, yet leaves with best looking women. He just sits drinking his beer, licking his eyebrows.

Reply
Darth June 4, 2013 at 8:53 am

So what was in his mouth while he was watching cunnilingus?

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Darth June 4, 2013 at 8:53 am

So what was in his mouth while he was watching cunnilingus?

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JJEvans June 4, 2013 at 9:27 am

Maybe his tounge went a little too low and touched the stink….or a little too high, it depends on how he was positioned.

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JJEvans June 4, 2013 at 9:27 am

Maybe his tounge went a little too low and touched the stink….or a little too high, it depends on how he was positioned.

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Richard The Long June 4, 2013 at 10:50 am

Damn Michael Douglas is saying one of his old ladies has a cankered puss?

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Richard The Long June 4, 2013 at 10:50 am

Damn Michael Douglas is saying one of his old ladies has a cankered puss?

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Beachmonkey June 8, 2013 at 8:35 am

with a women like his wife Catherine Zeta Jones it may be worth the risk.

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Beachmonkey June 8, 2013 at 8:35 am

with a women like his wife Catherine Zeta Jones it may be worth the risk.

Reply

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