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It’s 2025 and damn I’m happy. I’m having fun, just thinking about the year to come. What delights will we witness, as Donald Trump and his team disembowel the Swamp? When they decimate the Department of “Education,” what levels of liberal shrieking will waft joyously across the fruited plains? When they gut funding for all things Woke, will Democrats’ tears solve the water crisis in Southern California? Worst of all for the Leftists, how will they cope with the fact their misery is a key component of us Deplorables’ happiness?
As Trump makes his way to his swearing-in ceremony, there will be a virtual ticker tape parade of resignation letters from the vermin in permanent Washington. Lib yo-yos will line the route, resplendent in their pink hats, screaming at the sky. Joe Biden and Jill Biden will be beaming, reveling in their destruction of the DNC with three simple words: “I endorse Kamala.”
It is probably too much to ask for, but my hope is that the first words of Trump’s inauguration speech will be, “I just swore an oath to protect and defend the Constitution on a beautiful, beautiful Bible… the Trump-brand God Bless America Bible, which is available for purchase right now. Obama wanted me to use the God Bless Viable Baby Abortions Bible, but I told him not this time. Speaking of time, have you seen my new collection of Trump-brand watches?”
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It will also bring me great joy to see the former supermodel Melania Trump on the stage, knowing the nation’s fashion magazines will — out of sheer jealousy — lose hundreds of millions of dollars in sales by refusing to use her image as a cover photo. Hopefully Baron Trump will also be up there, so we can compare and contrast a son raised by Trump versus a son raised by Biden.
Trump’s presidency isn’t the only thing that will make 2025 great… there’s much to celebrate.
How can one not smile thinking about the living hell where Prince Harry of Wokeshire is residing, as he and his horrid fembot slip further and further into irrelevance, tanking every business venture they touch. How can you not laugh, picturing a combat veteran at home wearing a black turtleneck, and sipping wine with a gaggle of effete, vapid, soy-boys, who are only there because Meghan hand-selected them?
The New Year will also provide us a front row seat to Whoopi Goldberg‘s ongoing transition into Jabba the Hutt, and the hilarity of watching Hillary Clinton swim her daily laps in her pool of boxed wine. It will be at least a little funny to see Joe Scarborough undergo knee replacement surgery following his pilgrimage to Mar-a-Lago, all the while looking forward to the sequel to Mossad’s comedic caper called “Blow the nuts off Hezbollah.”
This could also be the year when the head custodian of the J. Edgar Hoover Building becomes the ranking agent in the FBI, and the paralegal currently occupying Cubicle F, 3rd floor, 950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW is — based on seniority — tapped to lead the DOJ.
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Gun control will surely be a hot topic in the year ahead, primarily because Democrats keep shooting each other. I’d propose that gun ownership not only be made mandatory, but restrictions should be loosened to allow private ownership of fighter/bombers and cannon artillery. If there’s one thing that can break up a mob organizing for a looting spree in the shopping district, it’s a female boutique owner making a strafing run in an A-10 Warthog.
Elon Musk will also an incredibly hilarious addition to the Swamp in 2025. The dude is worth almost a half-trillion dollars. Do you know what you can get done with that kind of jack, if you don’t hoard it to bolster your ego? Hell, you could buy Twitter, and fire 80% of the staff. And if some RINO screws with Trump’s agenda, Musk could fund a primary against them via a PAC stuffed with $300 million he found under his sofa cushions. Bozo the Clown could beat Lindsey Graham with $300 million in the bank.
Of course, this is the great fear of the Left. That “Literally Hitler” will deploy his team of big-fat meanies to facilitate his rise to become literally Hitler, and rule as an Anti-Christ dictator.
I’m not sure why that’s such a fear, because that perfectly describes the American government of the past four years.
SCOTUS: It is unconstitutional to pay off students’ debts with tax dollars.
BIDEN: Suck it. I’ll do it anyway.
EVERY AMERICAN: We need to control illegal immigration.
BIDEN: Suck it. I’ll not only keep the border open, I’ll literally charter planes to fly them in.
BIDEN: I won’t pardon Hunter.
LIBERALS: This is a good and righteous thing.
BIDEN: I’m pardoning Hunter going back to grade school.
LIBERALS: This is a good and righteous thing.
BIDEN: Trump and his team are a threat to democracy. Musk makes it even scarier because he’s got money and influence.
GOOGLE/META/BEZOS/SOROS/CUBAN/WSJ/NYT/CNN/MSNBC/WAPO: We agree.
EVERY DEMOCRAT: Biden is sharper than ever.
WSJ: The White House staff has literally been babysitting him since the day he stepped into office. Everything revolves around his moods, naps, and making doo-doo.
EVERY DEMOCRAT: Kill the Jews.
Hell, in terms of fascism, Democrats actually had a real, live, no-shit, “literally Hitler” Beer Hall Putsch, where they seized control of the government, dumped duly-elected Biden and installed an entirely unelected puppet named Kamala Harris. I don’t know what they can do to further parallel themselves to Hitler without access to Tiger tanks and the Ardennes Forest.
This will also be the year we see the embalming and burial of the recently deceased DEI movement. Even universities are running away from this moronic concept — but the best news is for liberal white women, who no longer have to pretend like, “I’d be fine if a less qualified black woman was chosen for a job over me.”
You can hear the sighs of relief in every corner of the business world.
It will be interesting to see if Jew hatred begins to wane in 2025, after the DEI-hire president of Harvard was fired for responding that calls for Jewish genocide needed to be taken in context. This will also be the year that the IDF will likely finish killing every last member of Hamas, and the war will end. The moronic students at our “elite universities” will move on to greener pastures, and protest something stupid like “Americans eat cows due to bloodlust, not the delicious taste of a medium-rare T-bone.”
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RELATED | GOP DIVISION, DYSFUNCTION ON DISPLAY
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In 2024, Caitlin Clark was named by the AP as the Female Athlete of the Year, followed immediately by an interview where she groveled before black females for being white. Black players responded in kind, by attacking her for being white. Perhaps 2025 will be the year when people and companies come to realize it’s pointless to genuflect before Leftists, because such gestures are never, never, never, never enough. With any luck, we’ll see the return of Aunt Jemima syrup, which enjoyed an 80% share of black syrup buyers. Maybe they’ll let that Land O’ Lakes Indian ditch the reservation and move back to the Land ‘O Lakes.
Mass deportations are on the list of things to do in 2025, but many are wondering how incoming border czar Tom Homan plans to pull it off. Sources close to the story tell me he is scouring all the details of the Martha’s Vineyard purge, seeking to unearth the formula they used for booting every immigrant off the island into tent city slums in only 48 hours. He is also working with an acting coach learning to say — without laughing — the words used by the leaders of the richest zip code in America, “we don’t have the resources to feed and house them.”
I have no doubt there will be much hilarity as we lean into government austerity. Democrats will add into every $100 billion pork bill designed to offer Big Pharma kickbacks an additional seven bucks for “ensuring every orphan gets a puppy that’s about to be euthanized by PETA.” You can hear now: The GOP hates orphans! They want puppies to die!
The DNC will need to use 2025 to rebuild their party’s brand. They need to decide on an actual platform and stop passing laws based entirely on people’s preferred sexual friction. They need to stop telling young black men they hate women because they voted for Trump. Might be smart to stop telling 25 million devout Hispanic Catholics that abortion is the most important issue in America. I don’t know — hell, maybe avoid telling the middle-class that groceries don’t cost more when they cost more.
They won’t of course… because they have a secret weapon: Fifty percent of the Republicans in Congress will be working alongside them to torpedo any meaningful change in the Swamp. Time will tell how that works out for the RINOS. I doubt it will.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’
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2 comments
I too am looking forward to the new year. I will watch as the MAGA Cult realizes that the Swamp has just arrived in DC and that Trump and shadow President Musk have duped them. Trump no longer needs MAGA, so his only concern is making sure billionaires pay him money to get what they want. That is already so obvious.
tik tok bad $$$ tik tok good
EVs bad $$$ EVs good
H-1B visa’s bad $$$ H-1B visas good
crypto currencies bad $$$ crypto currencies good
immigrants are poisoning the blood of our country $$$ we need lots of immigrants to work
Reporter: Mr. Trump, your surrogate Vivek Ramaswamy says American workers are too dumb and lazy for tech jobs. Do you agree, and how do you stand on the H-1B visa program that brings foreign workers into the US to take American jobs? .
Trump: It’s a great program!
Reporter: But in 2016 you said it was bad for American workers and should be eliminated.
Trump: No I did not!
Reporter: Here’s the clip.
Trump: Well I changed my mind when I was President”
Reporter: But while you were President you said you were going to change the H-1B visas program to assure no American will ever lose a job to a foreign worker.
Trump: No I did not!
Reporter: Here is the Clip.
Trump: Well that was before Elon gave me 225 million dollars, now that has all changed. We need lots of foreign workers, in tech.
Reporter: Should Americans find it odd that you have put an immigrant and an anchor baby in charge of deciding what programs Americans need and who should be let into the country?
Trump: They are very rich.
Reporter: Why should foreigners get those jobs over Americans?
Trump: They are cheaper than Americans, I use H-1B workers in my hotels.
Reporter: How is that America first?
Trump: I am going to make America Great Again by closing the border with Mexico and Canada. Just yesterday a terrorist came over the border and killed people in New Orleans.
Reporter: He was an American citizen and Army veteran.
Trump: I am going to Make America Great Again.
Reporter: But how is bringing in foreign workers to take American jobs doing that?
Trump: Elon is the richest man in the world. I like hanging out with the richest man in the world and getting money from him. When that happens America is better as far as I can see.
Reporter: But didn’t Musk come to this country on a student visa and work here illegally?
Trump: He is the richest man in the world it doesn’t matter.
Reporter: But didn’t he get rich through government contracts and tax subsidies?
Trump: Isn’t that what the government is for?
Reporter: It does not sound as though Americans are being treated fairly.
Trump: I am an open book. I told everyone I did not care about them I only wanted their vote. What are you expecting from me? America will be great like Russia or Hungary. America will be run by the people who are smart and by smart I mean rich. Elon and I will decide what immigrants we need.
Well played, Frank! Worthy of several belly laughs.