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Prioleau Alexander: Debate Is Back, Baby!

Dignified discussion makes a triumphant return to American politics …

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America is a nation founded on debate.

In the early days of Jamestown, the starving settlers debated whether or not to eat their dead neighbors. (They did).

In the following decades, European settlers debated the best way to expand their lands. (They decided to kill everyone in the way). 

Our Founding Father’s debated the pros and cons of revolting against England. (Because George Washington was the only one who might get dead, the pros won the day).

They also debated the best form of government for the new nation, which resulted in our democratic republic. (If we can keep it).

Consider all the massive issues our leaders have debated! Slavery, gun rights, women’s right to vote, the sanctity of free speech, declarations of war, segregation, admitting new states, more declarations of war — it never ends. Spoken and written words, used to form logical and persuasive points, are a large reason we’re the kick ass nation we are! 

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But debating is hard – as it forces one to lay out the very best argument supporting a specific perspective. It also requires one to listen carefully to an opponent, as compromise will likely be needed.

Debate within the halls of congress has fallen off a tad bit in recent decades. This will come as a shock, but elected officials maintaining an open mind and seeking what’s best for the Republic have been replaced by text messages from lobbyists. (Vote YEA on H.B. 2398-88, or forget your re-election). 

I was beginning to despair that real debate had vanished from our Republic, until … until … until … suddenly, real American genius exploded forth during a House oversight committee meeting about holding U.S. attorney general Merrick Garland in contempt. You could literally feel the Republic re-awakening from its slumber, spurned on by the sheer professionalism of three very smart ladies — all a credit to their respective political parties and their gender.   

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(11 Alive)

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Here are a few excerpts from their erudite exchange:

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “I think your fake eyelashes are messing up what you’re reading.”

Jasmine Crockett: “I’m just curious … if someone on this committee then starts talking about somebody’s bleach blonde bad built butch body, that would not be engaging in personalities, correct?” 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: “Oh, oh girl – baby girl, don’t even play with me.” 

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Thank gaaaawd! Real, intellectual, grown-up debate is back, and moving the Republic forward in the right direction. If we can bring back dueling among male politicians, who knows how fast we could turn this dumpster fire around!

Seriously, I foresee great things ahead as debate season approaches:

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Donald Trump: “We need to cut corporate taxes — get people to manufacture here!”

Joe Biden: “That just makes your trillionaire buddies richer!”

Trump: “Yea? Well, your son is a crackhead traitor!”

Biden: “Well, you’re an angry Cheeto!”

Trump: “You walk like a toddler with a load in his diapers!”

Biden: “You’re sooo fat—”

Debate Moderator: “How fat is he????”

Biden: “He’s so fat, I bet he got baptized at Sea World!”

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You see, people? This is where real progress comes from — the ebb and flow of ideas, with an eye out for the greater good. We could solve a lot of our stubborn issues with some good old back and forth debate.

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A heated debate.

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Immigration:

The Right: “We need to stop this illegal immigration.”

The Left: “We need more illegal immigration.”

The Right: “You just want to destroy America!”

The Left: “Nuh-uh! We’re rubber and you’re glue — anything you say bounces off us and sticks to you!”

The Right: “Nuh-uh. You’re traitors to America — no takes back times infinity!”

The Left: “We know you are, but what are we?”

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The Budget:

The Right: “We’ve got to get spending under control!”

The Left: “We could, if you’d cut the military budget!”

The Right: “You could, if you’d stop giving money to every deadbeat on the planet!”

The Left: “You’re so stupid, it takes you three hours to watch 60 Minutes!

The Right: “Sorry, Stupid-face, what did you say? I don’t speak idiot!”

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Where should you invest your political capital? Our Palmetto Political Stock Index has got you covered!

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The challenge in debating in 2024 is the number of off-the-table insults now stricken from the docket of acceptable attacks. I’ve done some research, however, and it turns out there are a few acceptable jabs still available. Among the most popular are: 

  • I’ll bet you’re dumb enough to view yourself as a kind and decent person who tries to treat everyone with respect and judges other people by the content of their character, not the color of their skin!
  • I bet you’re one of those types that respects a woman’s decision to forgo a career, and actually do the really hard work of raising honest children to become responsible adults who add value to society!
  • You’re so stupid, you probably try to live by the Judeo-Christian morality written about in the Bible!
  • I’ll bet you’re the type of idiot who actually believes the hundreds of peer-reviewed articles about how ineffective the vaccine, masking, and social distancing were!
  • Ha! Let me guess—you probably think the Russia hoax deployed against Trump was a hoax, just because it was proven to be a hoax!
  • You’re so dense, you probably don’t think a male’s sexual plumbing prohibits him from having a baby!

It warms the cockles of my far-right-wing-literally-fascist heart to see the art of the debate returning again to the hallowed halls of congress … especially among the ladies! Who knows what level of intellectual insights this could lead to? 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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4 comments

Boomer Posting May 27, 2024 at 9:33 am

Good Lord the cringe…

Reply
JustCallMeAva Top fan May 27, 2024 at 6:20 pm

The sad part is that the average GOPer’s favorite “sport” is “wrestling”. This is how they are amused. I mean, in-between shooting at innocent animals.

Reply
Frank May 28, 2024 at 11:08 am

Did the Schulz family approve the dystopian Charlie Brown and Snoopy?

Reply
Hank May 28, 2024 at 3:44 pm

Now that your head is so far up Trump’s ass, I knew you would let Memorial Day pass without one mention of our fallen. A day that is meaningless to Trump supporters everywhere. So I will repost the words of Joe Biden and General John Kelly’s assessment of Trump:

“Every fallen American service member is a link in the chain of honor stretching back to our founding days. Each one bound by common commitment — not to a place, not to a person, not to a President, but to an idea unlike any idea in human history: the idea of the United States of America.” Joe Biden

“A person that thinks those who defend their country in uniform, or are shot down or seriously wounded in combat, or spend years being tortured as POWs are all ‘suckers’ because ‘there is nothing in it for them. A person who did not want to be seen in the presence of military amputees because ‘it doesn’t look good for me”. A person who demonstrated open contempt for a Gold Star family — for all Gold Star families — on TV during the 2016 campaign, and rants that our most precious heroes who gave their lives in America’s defense are ‘losers’ and wouldn’t visit their graves in France.” General John Kelly, Medal of Honor recipient and father of 1st Lt. Robert Kelly who was killed by a land mine in Afghanistan and who is buried in Arlington Cemetary. He and Trump were visiting Arlington Cemetery the day Trump mused, “What was in it for them.”

I will never vote to have this person lead our troops. A man with no honor, no love of country, and no respect for anyone who does.

Reply

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