It’s times like these when I feel the need to learn from those with opposite opinions from mine … because these people are always way cooler. I mean, I want to dress in all black with a neck tattoo with the Chinese symbol for “sour milk” on my neck, but I don’t think I can pull it off. I just don’t have the coolness gravitas to pass myself off as an Ivy Leaguer.
Truth is, it’s always been hard for me to find some way to be hip … until now.
Right now, all across America, cool people are protesting against the evil Jews — and I can certainly pull that off. Sure, I’ll wear an I’m Antifa and Brave Mask™ so my Mom won’t recognize me, but just being there amongst the most informed, badass, insightful people in America will be a James-Dean-level experience.
Before I commence the Jihad Jig, however, I need some input. The whole Middle Eastern thing is so confusing, what with Shiites and Sunnis, Mecca and Medina, Arabs and Persians, occupiers and refugees … I need to get sharp on all this stuff, so I can speak intelligently when I’m interviewed by HuffPo after beating up an old Jewish man.
First and foremost, I need help with the awesome chant everyone is using: “From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free!”
So f’n cool … it’s short, pithy, rhymes, and I assume on the money. Bumper sticker philosophy always is.
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Anyway, I’m dying to chant this, but I’m pretty sure there must be a language barrier. You see, in the Muslim Middle East, “From the river to the sea” is literally a call for the extermination of all Jews – wiping Israel from the face of the earth. Total genocide of every Jew, from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea.
I confess I’m a little tripped up, because “exterminating Jews” sounds a little like Nazi Germany – and who wants to be like them? I mean, they outlawed private ownership of guns, banned free speech, jailed political opponents, made every decision based on identity politics, killed six million Jews – and blamed it all on everyone who just didn’t “get” their beliefs.
So, like I said, there must be an issue with the translation, and I just need a 20-year-old Ivy League intellectual to help me crack the code for what it really means.
Once the River/Sea issue is cleared up, here are some basics I need input on. Again, I’m sorry for the huge gaps in my knowledge of their regional history.
First, Palestine must be a nation we want to free from the dirty Jews, but I’m getting tripped up finding out when Palestine became a nation. I assume it was a zillion years ago, but I need some information from scholars.
Next, I’m all tangled up about the Gaza Strip … which was/ is/ is-going-to-be occupied by the Jews? When I check the tax map, the owner before Israel was Egypt, but Egypt launched an unprovoked attack on Israel and got their asses kicked, and “lost” the area, because “losing” land is what happens when you get your ass kicked in a land war. Like finders-keepers, I think.
So when did ownership of Gaza by the Palestinians come into play? Aha! Maybe Egypt gave Gaza to the Palestinians before the war, like, quietly under the table — but kept it on the books so they could write the Palestinians off as dependents?
So it was actually the Palestinians who lost it in the war, not Egypt?
Gosh, and it gets even more ponderous as time marches on: In 2005, Israel actually gave Gaza back to the Palestinians, and forcibly evicted all Israelis living there, so … well, I keep hearing about Israel’s “occupying” Gaza, but how can Israel be occupying Gaza if no Jews live there?
I know, I know … I should know this stuff. But I don’t. There, I said it.
Another area of confusion is the West Bank. Once again, the tax maps are outdated or something — because they show the last known owner before Israel was Jordon, before they, too, got their asses kicked by Israel.
Just hoping for clarification for, you know, when the Palestinians had the deed to the property. I’m sure it’s something complex like heirs’ property, and we just need the Southern Environmental Poverty Law Center to tie up the loose ends.
Here’s another thing that trips me up: As we all know, Muslim nations support each other at all costs. However, there’s a physical wall between Gaza and Egypt, and Egypt refuses to open up the gates and let the Palestinians escape the violence in Gaza. I assume this is just an issue of a misplaced key, and the gate will open soon?
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Probably fake news — everyone knows “walls don’t work.”
But, arrrgh — so frustrating keeping all this straight — Palestinians are usually referred to as Palestinian refugees — which they would be, if they crossed the border into Egypt. But they’re in Gaza, a place where they live, work, worship, and rule — so why are they refugeeing? Aren’t they homesteading?
You know, the Egypt thing has me thinking about another issue I need Ivy Leaguers to help me with … how come no Arab or Persian states have ever embraced the immigration of Palestinians? All they ever do is send them money and weapons. Hell, an equivalent of the entire population of Gaza has come across the Southern border under Biden … so rescuing these “asylum seekers” can’t be that hard. It’s got to be a technical hiccup. Everyone knows — you know, because they know — other Muslims don’t despise the Palestinians and view them as half-breeds and gypsies, so I’m guessing it’s just paperwork.
Here, alas, my ignorance shows on another issue: “Freeing Palestine” seems to mean they are enslaved, and the Big Meanie Jews refuse free them.
Although I’m sure this is fake news perpetrated by Ben Shapiro (that Jew), the Jews have sat down numerous times and bent over backwards to achieve peace. President Bill Clinton said, “I killed myself to give the Palestinians a state. I had a deal they turned down that would have given them all of Gaza, 96 to 97 percent of the West Bank, compensating land in Israel, you name it.”
Deep fake, obviously.
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If it was really Bill Clinton, that centrist bastard, what he would’ve really said is, “I killed myself to kill all the Jews and give Palestine a state.”
Again, I cry out to all the LGBT intellectuals who’d be welcomed-not-murdered in Gaza, help me see between the lines!
I also need clarification about the very reasonable demand for a cease fire. Those are sacred words! Think about all the BLM riots that ended immediately when the small businesses being looted and burned to the ground asked for a cease fire. What kind of animal refuses to cease fire when they hear the holy words “cease fire?”
Even President Clinton knows it’s Israel’s fault, and there should be cease fire because civilian lives are being lost … because he never said, “Hamas is really smart. When they decide to rocket Israel, they insinuate themselves in the hospitals, in the schools, in the highly populous areas, and they are smart. They said they try to put the Israelis in a position of either not defending themselves or killing innocents. They’re good at it. They’re smart. They’ve been doing this a long time.”
It’s right there, in plain English — Hamas is so committed to keeping their women and children safe, they’re willing to station themselves in civilian hospitals — so if some evil Jew starts shooting, they can throw themselves between the incoming bullets and their loved ones.
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Look, I’m tired of being uncool.
I tried the Che t-shirt thing, but it turned out he was a butcher and viewed Blacks as sub-human.
I put a sign on my door that said, “Door is open. Property theft is a crime,” but still had to replace all my stuff.
I was all in for Bernie Sanders and socialism, but found out he owns three homes.
I went to volunteer to help Barack Obama after life in the White House, but the cops on lily-white Martha’s Vineyard arrested me for loitering.
I went to see Hillary to see how I could help protest Trump’s wall, but her home was sealed off by a wall.
I volunteered to help Elizabeth Warren with her campaign for President and her desire to help American Indians, but it turned our Dances With Donors was whiter than me.
I jumped into “Believe the Woman” during the #MeToo era, but it got weird when Kamala Harris said, “I believe the woman who said you (Joe Biden) assaulted her,” then agreed to be his vice president without retracting her statement.
I bought a Colin Kaepernick jersey because he said the NFL draft was like slavery, but then watched him spend years begging to be enslaved again.
I was super excited about Sam Britton being appointed to the Department of Energy — and shaved my head in solidarity — then they/ them stole suitcases of fabulous fashions I couldn’t afford.
It’s all been so disappointing … but now? Supporting mass-murderers and their demands to be free to continue mass murder?
Count me in. Free the Cavemen with AK-47s!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’
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