CELEBRATING FAMILY … AND REMEMBERING LOSS
By WILL FOLKS || I try not to wax too personal, too often on this website – that’s not my job – but this is one of those occasions when it felt appropriate (and important) to do so.
For those of you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you are bombarded daily with images of my family. And yeah … my kids are friggin’ adorable, which I’m not at all embarrassed to say knowing full well I had nothing to do with it (all props to the lovely Katrina Marie Folks).
Anyway …
Like all families, mine has discovered life isn’t always (or even often) easy. There are constant ups and downs, trials and tribulations, laughs and cries … and plenty of work, exhaustion, anxiety and, yes, fear. But there are also unimaginable, inexpressible joys associated with being a part of a family that I never knew existed – and I’ve learned those joys often come amidst the most draining, debilitating moments.
Let’s be clear: No one bears more of the load in our family than my wife – who is the definition of a saint (a saint who just happens to be train smoke hot).
In addition to running virtually every aspect of my life, Katrina has shown me how raising kids in our crazy, messed up world is a calling – and that in undertaking it we’re not really fighting for anything this life has to offer them or us, but are instead trying to advance something bigger, more eternal. A kingdom, if you will.
It’s a battle to impart something into this life that will bring honor and glory to its creator … not a race to see who can die with the most toys (a.k.a. adult problems).
Yeah … how’d I ever land such an amazing woman? Let alone manage to keep her for six years?
I got no clue …
Katrina has also taught me (via an innate faith and goodness I’m constantly in awe of) how to handle something I’d never previously experienced. I’m talking about infant loss – or miscarriage/ stillbirth/ sudden infant death syndrome. It’s something our family has dealt with twice – once before the birth of our three-year-old Phillippe and then again before the birth of our ten-month old, Eva.
My wife isn’t shy about discussing this deeply personal issue. In fact she addressed it on her social media this week with a directness, honesty and courage I wish I could muster more of when writing for this site.
“I used to be the one who said it would never happen to me,” she wrote. “Then it happened and then again. It’s more common than you think. It’s a secret society that no woman ever wishes she’s a part of. It becomes a part of who she is forever. It’s a pain, a sadness and a strength she will never forget. The babies that are lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and SIDS are VERY real to the mothers long after life returns to normal for everyone else.”
“Break the silence no matter how uncomfortable it may be,” she added.
Amen …
So … why am I writing about this now?
Well, I didn’t know it until today but it turns out October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, an occasion when mothers across the country unite to mark the memories of the little ones they never got to hold, or in some cases held for far too short a time.
It’s not a morbid day … just a day of memoriam.
It’s a day when moms and dads smile while looking at pictures like the one of my family above … but then remember the picture isn’t (and can’t ever really be) complete.
It’s the acknowledgment of a lasting emptiness amid the fullness of life, a reminder of that which – to borrow a line from the Apostle Paul – we cannot “lay hold of yet.”
Contrary to the view of some of my political enemies (and despite some of the high-pitched sounds I make when my kids punch or kick me in certain areas), I’m not a woman … so there are obviously depths to this issue I can’t possibly understand. But I know firsthand how it impacts women, and I know that it impacts one out of every four pregnancies.
That’s a lot of hurt, people … especially for women who wanted more than anything to have a child, but for whatever reason couldn’t.
Anyway, if you’ve dealt with this issue know that you’re not alone … and you don’t have to grieve your loss alone. There is strength in numbers … and strength in sharing. And most importantly, according to my wife, there is strength in God.
A faith that one day the picture will be complete …
Will Folks is the editor of the website you are currently reading …
(Pic: Katie Hart)
20 comments
You will realize that being a mate and father, and someday grandfather, outstrips any priorities you presently deem important. Such is life. Good luck.
October 15 is also quarterly income tax payment day … pick a better week.
Just paid my taxes this morning… damn. Such is life.
Fits, you definitely out kicked your coverage, dude.
Nice family. Here’s to wishing you and yours bountiful blessings… and I’m not even a religious man.
I really like the new online tax payment system they have. Sure beats those dvd’s lol.
I won’t be happy until I can file my income taxes on the back of a penny post card … and stuff the check up some g’ment employee’s ass.
Anything we earn over 400k is capped at 39.6%…That is, effective, not actual. Not bad considering the returns from our taxes. It is the bureaucrats and lawmakers that get my disdain.
In Russia the flat tax rate is 13%, maximum, capital gains or whatever. Same, same, 10% to 20%, in Poland, Lithuania, Georgia (now), Latvia, Albania, Bulgaria, Hungary, Ukraine (unless the EU gets a foothold there), … http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flat_tax#Countries_that_have_flat_tax_systems …
Only Guyana and Greenland have a flat tax higher than the USA “progressive maximum income tax.
In the competition for world wide business, the USA is the most taxed and that’s why many multi-national business don’t return profits to the USA.
The best plan, IMOP, is to Abolish the IRS and then let congress offer up something better … which may take a few months or years, but the USA economy would boom and the unemployment rates would decline in the “mean time”.
Sorry Will and Mrs. Sic. While I have no children of my own and no losses like yours I’ve helped several friends and family members through these tough times. It’s a hard road to go down some days. I also have an aunt that was born alive and died several hours later that I never met, at the time she passed away my grandparents had no money for a grave marker and in the 40s there was a stigma attached to this so it was never discussed. After my grandmother died in 2007 I with a few others paid to have a marker placed on her grave, even though I never met JAC, I miss her.
The rewards of raising children are priceless. Teach them well. That is the duty of you both …. Great looking family :-)
Will, this is possibly the best article of yours I have read, God Bless
Sorry to hear you guys had to go through something so tragic, as you said it is easy to think “That’s not something that would happen to me.” I honestly can’t begin to imagine how I would get through something like that.
I hope for the best for you and your family in the future. Good luck man.
It’s the ring. The wedding ring has radar that not only knows where the children are or who they hang around with, but also reads their minds too.
RIP Grand Uncle Daniel, stillborn 1904
You are certainly a lucky man to have such beautiful wife and children.
This is beautifully written. I hope I will never know the true depths of the pain of losing a child, but I know what the fear is like – when you’re told by your doctor it’s even a possibility. Even that was nearly too much to bear for me. It’s every pregnant woman’s biggest fear and worst nightmare. Katrina is an amazing woman to have endured this TWICE and to still be able to talk about it in hopes of comforting others. A saint indeed!
An outstanding respite from the norm for this site. Continued blessings to you and your family. And I must say, well played Will, very well played.
beautiful. thank you for sharing, Will.
I’ve thrown my share of brickbats on this site. This piece, however, gets a well-deserved bouquet. You’ve always been a gifted writer & done what you do well, but its obvious here that you’ve finally become a responsible husband & parent. Congratulations – really.
Well put and a very handsome family! You have moved the direction of this site to something that one day you will more proud of as a dad when looking back. You are doing a service to the citizens of South Carolina and seemingly having a bit of fun at the same time. Congratulations for all of that.
brilliant, but obviously cynical manuever to humanize yourself using your wife and family tragedies.even your enemies are falling all over themselves rehabilitating your reputation in their minds. but its obvious what your real intent is. not obvious to the clowns who worship you even if they hate you for being the lying, fake idealist who shills for money and sell lies to the ignorant helping the corrupt elite control the minds of the cattelgoyim. youre clever at what you do, but just like bain said to batman “i was born in the darkness.” your tricks dont work on the initiated.but then there are so few and so many dumb animals. anyway, you cant outrun karma. the thing about karma is even if you dont believe in it it still exists and has its effect.even thouh ignorant people say eveything happens for a reason, they barelyeven understand the mundane application.
My wife and I are fortunate to have three wonderful children but I still think about the child we lost to miscarriage four years ago. As a man I never thought that it would impact me that much but it had and will probably continue to. Of course if that baby had gone to term we wouldn’t have our youngest child so maybe it happened for a good reason.The “N-word” was used freely where I grew up in SC, and among all family. Not nearly as much once we moved from western SC to the OBX. Different type of rednecks there.
If you hear that shit all the time from parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., you start to think it’s normal, that it’s OK. It’s not, but it is not effortless to get past all that. Even as a middle-aged man, I still have to fight it.