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Letter: “Baroness Von Nikki”



Dear Editor:

South Carolina lost her soul on a lone November night in 2010.  This is the night the Baroness von Nikki Haley won an election marred in controversy by morally disqualifying activities.

She achieved her goal of entering the governors mansion, not out of ideas, but out of unmerciful shrewdness.

It was as if one day, Nikki Haley contrived that in order to best the man she for so long blamed for her lack of success in the S.C. House, she must become governess of the south.

Rather than call her baroness Von Nikki Haley, we eloquently call her “the governness.”

She treats her post as if she is ordained by God, and mustn’t be questioned by the laypeople who work tirelessly to survive in an unfathomably ill-tempered economy. She traverses around the state claiming victory over the snarlingly unwashed masses called the Democratic Party with a golden tipped shovel in tow. This shovel can be seen pushing dirt atop the graves of her many detractors.

As if she was a thief in the night, she quickly garbles up the hopes and dreams of Democrat and Republican legislators alike.  To our governness, no new job is created without the tireless efforts of our very own Nikki Haley.  For no one, but Nikki Haley could conceivably bring anything to South Carolina.

All the while, unwashed masses storm the food pantries, and pray for a decent job, she sits atop her throne of rich mahogany picking particles of food out of her teeth with the bones of her vanquished enemies, scoping out her next victim.

Baroness von Nikki Haley in her mind, hasn’t devoured enough hopes and dreams of her electorate — She must now achieve the goal of becoming the most morally bankrupt politician in recent memory.

The governess has concluded that she, herself, must eat the souls of the vanquished.

“Who are these laypeople casting doubt from the shadows of my golden hubris?” Nikki Haley ponders in disbelief as people mistakenly question her authority.

The baronness tires quickly of watchful eyes.  This is the very reason why the governess moves in the dead-of-night.

Like a vengeful harpee she finds weakness, and crushes it with the speed and accuracy of a soaring hawk.

As if replaying a real world scene from the now infamous Netflix series – House of Cards – Baroness von Nikki Haley found an injured Speaker Bobby Harrell.

With a devilish grin, Nikki Haley issued a impromptu statement stating her desire for the Speaker to concede defeat. In the baroness’ eyes, this is the victory she has long awaited.  Bobby Harrell’s mere existence personified rebellion.  Because of this one man — in her eyes, her vetoes against society were overturned.  This cannot be accepted in the world of the governess.  She seeks to crush any sense or individuality, or difference of opinion.

The only people who may enter her chambers must have undying loyalty, and a merriment only contrived from basking in the glory of the governess.

While we, the unwashed masses pray for an end to the hypocrisy of the governess, one thing can be certain — if even the Speaker does not quinch her thirst for vengeance, each and everyone of us could and will be next.

For the governess must bathe in the blood of the innocent.


“Forrest Gimp”


sic speaking

Forrest: Whatever your day job is … don’t quit it.