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Wilkes: Why I Judge Female Football Fans

MORE EVIDENCE OF THE DEATH OF MACHISMO … By Mande Wilkes  ||  Earlier in the summer, a member of the chattering class (Ann Coulter, maybe? I can’t recall) offered an explanation for America’s emergent interest in soccer.  She attributed it to, I believe, the death of machismo.  Or something like…

MORE EVIDENCE OF THE DEATH OF MACHISMO …

mande wilkesBy Mande Wilkes  ||  Earlier in the summer, a member of the chattering class (Ann Coulter, maybe? I can’t recall) offered an explanation for America’s emergent interest in soccer.  She attributed it to, I believe, the death of machismo.  Or something like that …

I pay so little attention to sports and also to the chattering class that I couldn’t really tell ya.

But now that football season in full swing (if my Facebook newsfeed is any indication), I have a different theory.  American guys are into soccer, suddenly, because women have over the past decade overrun the sport of football.

Why does this matter?  Well, because men need something to love that women don’t understand.  I bet every guy reading this (all three of you!) agrees. . .

This is a trend I’ve noticed – and bucked – since high school.  When all my girlfriends were getting big SUVs, I got a sexy little convertible for my first car.

And then in college, these same girls rooted their way into the boys’ games of “beer pong” (sidenote: boring).  Then, when everyone was sufficiently drunk, the girls would tag along to the strip clubs.  I think they thought it made them seem free-spirited and carefree and liberated.  The guys just thought it made them “stage-5 clingers,” to borrow a phrase.

After that, in law school, the professors would take us out for after-class “happy hour,” and I’d order frothy pink confections in martini glasses while the rest of the girls would chug beer.

Then came Sarah Palin, ushering in the era of “girls and guns.”  Pretty soon it was a basic requirement, if one had political aspirations, to own a gun and to publish “selfies” posing with the gun (captioned, of course, by Thomas Jefferson platitudes ostensibly in reference to the second Amendment).

Naturally that led to women beginning to hunt wildlife.  For fun, can you imagine?  Even blood and guts and the frigid outdoors weren’t deterrents for these renaissance girls.

And now, girls are obsessing over football – or pretending to be, at least.  It confounds me, genuinely, that girls would be interested in any aspect of the sport (least of which tailgating, which appears to involve a lot of preparation and no central air).

If I were a guy, I’d be beyond annoyed that my wife or girlfriend (both?) wanted to be glued to my side at games.  It’s no wonder soccer is gaining traction . . . that’s about the lone boys-only hobby that remains.  Well, that and porn.

Mande Wilkes is a wife, mother, businesswoman, author, etc. residing on the South Carolina coast with her family.

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63 comments

Rebel September 3, 2014 at 4:51 am

That’s why I go fishing -there has to be some space where I can rip one, drink a beer, burp and say nothing. Increasingly I am so f…ing tired of female supervision. At work it is bad: the condescending looks, raised eye brows and utter nonsense perpetrated by middle aged or already hormonally unbalanced women and the fact that you have to constantly be on the lookout of what could be misunderstood is pathetic. I spent 10 years in the military when women Were not allowed in combat units – best time of my life. Until a woman can show me that she has other goals in life than making mine miserable I don’t even communicate anymore. And after the lastweekend the lake is empty again and I’m happy as can be. Have a nice life ….

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delbert norquest September 3, 2014 at 4:53 am

First guy to reply. Mande Mande I’d take you anywhere! More photos please!

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Tara September 3, 2014 at 5:03 am

As Mande said ” soccer and porn”…need your little picture? You’d probably be trembling in your boots if you would meet her. You guys are so pathetic and it’s good you have less and less places to hide.

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delbert norquest September 3, 2014 at 8:17 am

You are soo right. I do at times tremble in my boots and at times have been called pathetic. Mabee we could hook up later on. I have hidden assets you may be interested in.

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Eric223 September 3, 2014 at 4:56 am

Imagine tailgating with Jenny Sanford….wtf !

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Grandpacletus September 3, 2014 at 5:13 am

I just soiled myself reading you comment !!!!!

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shifty henry September 3, 2014 at 7:40 am

Toward the end of the year, the television screen is filled with one football game after another. One football widow put on a
sheer negligee and paraded herself in front of her husband.

He looked up from the TV set long enough to say, “Why did you buy a gray negligee?”

The wife answered, “I didn’t. It’s dust!”

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shifty henry September 3, 2014 at 7:49 am

One football fan lived and died by his favorite football
team. He had no time for his family. He could be found only on the couch, a six-pack or part of one at his side, and his eyes glued to the TV screen. One day his wife marched up in front of the screen, opened her bath robe, and said, with finality, “Okay, buster, play me or trade me!”

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CorruptionInColumbia September 3, 2014 at 12:10 pm

I’ve told this one before but for the benefit of those who were fortunate enough to have missed it, here goes again…

My first wife apparently talked with the woman next door about how I was getting to be indifferent towards her in the bedroom. The woman next door suggested that she take her night gown that was cut low in the back and wear it backwards.

That night, I was trying to watch something on TV and she kept walking back and forth in front of the TV, annoying the crap out of me. Finally she asked, “do you noticed anything different about me?” I responded that she had her night gown on backwards.

“How do you know that?”. she asked.

” Because the shit stains are in front”.

My nose is still a little crooked to this day.

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Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 3, 2014 at 9:43 pm

trade

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Philip Branton September 3, 2014 at 8:20 am

Mande…..Mande…..MANDE….!!!!

Considering you only have 7 comments to this article so far, some men may be trying to tell you something….!!! Good grief. We have yahoos running around treating journalists heads like a football and you write a teasy article such as this to garner ad hits for Google ads..? Maybe Wil Folks needs a pink drink..? Th e least you could do would be to write about a dream you had where you and Liz get to interview Mark Sanford after his first “mental evaluation” session..?

Come on……..Diane Knich garners more “fans” covering the Charleston County Council…!!!

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J Mande Wilkes September 3, 2014 at 8:27 am

Who’s Liz??

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Philip Branton September 3, 2014 at 8:50 am

Another female writer for Fitsnews…

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idcydm September 3, 2014 at 8:59 am

Wonder if Liz would ask “Who’s Mande”?

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Philip Branton September 3, 2014 at 9:00 am

LOL…….wonder if Lin Bennett or Lindsey Graham asks …..”Who’s Thomas…”?

J Mande Wilkes September 3, 2014 at 2:10 pm

Who’s Lin Bennett? Who’s Thomas? You people have your own language, over here.

Philip Branton September 3, 2014 at 2:22 pm

Hmm…..Mande, you do know how to use Google search do you not..?

https://www.fitsnews.com/tag/lin-bennett/

You do know who Thomas Ravenel is…do you not..?

Of…Course….you do….

Liz September 3, 2014 at 9:33 am

I know exactly who Mande is, and vice versa. I couldn’t disagree with this post anymore if I tried.

idcydm September 3, 2014 at 2:18 pm

As if your agreement or disagreement matters.

????????? September 3, 2014 at 3:11 pm

Actually it does…not surprised you don’t see why.

I'm touching myself September 3, 2014 at 2:50 pm

Can we watch you two kiss and make up? Preferably topless.

Squishy123 September 3, 2014 at 7:47 pm

Yep, Will’s decided it’s time to turn this blog into South Carolina’s version of People magazine.

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Philip Branton September 3, 2014 at 8:58 am

Ya know Mrs Wilkes……..you need to challenge your readers to display their “devotion” to you and your contributions to this web portal. We wonder just how many loyal readers here will have a ticket stub to this weekend’s game to post to a Fitsnews “poll”…!? Just think what can be done to show support for something with a ticket stub…?

Does Fitsnews know how to use readers pictures better than Instagram..? Does Fitsnews have an Instagram account…?

We wonder if “Southern Charm” has ticket stubs to their scene locations….?

Come on Mande……..use that beautiful noggin of yours…!!

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Nölff September 3, 2014 at 8:42 am

Ann Coulter is a strange woman. I think she wants to turn women into mantaurs, which are half man half horse.

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Smirks September 3, 2014 at 8:46 am

Meh. If women genuinely like something, more power to them.

Taking a selfie with your gun “because Sarah Palin,” though, should raise more red flags than the Chinese government.

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J Mande Wilkes September 3, 2014 at 9:49 am

“More red flags than the Chinese government” is effing funny.

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Toyota Kawaski September 3, 2014 at 8:53 am

Soccer is played with a poke-ah- dot ball and has the same rules for girls and boys??

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One_big_dude September 3, 2014 at 8:59 am

I’m all for women at football games….as long as they’re in cutoff blue jean shorts and a cowboy hat.

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Bible Thumper September 3, 2014 at 9:01 am

I can open jars.

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TontoBubbaGoldstein September 3, 2014 at 9:45 am

TBG can pee standing up.

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Bible Thumper September 3, 2014 at 9:53 am

When I was a young boy I could fill a coke bottle 15 feet away. Now if I manage to keep my shoes dry, girls aren’t interested.

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shifty henry September 3, 2014 at 10:15 am

An elderly married couple were having their medical examination on the same day. After the exam the doctor said to the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any particular concerns?”

“In fact, I do” he said. “After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty but after the second time I’m cold and chilly.”

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns to discuss?” and the lady said no.

The doctor then asked “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!” she replied.”That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

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Bible Thumper September 3, 2014 at 11:03 am

Grandpa Jones told his doc he was marrying an eighteen year old girl. Doc said “Mr. Jones, a man your age — that could cause death.” Grandpa responds,” If she dies she dies.”

TontoBubbaGoldstein September 3, 2014 at 11:36 am

Same here. These days, TBG is skeered that close to the edge of the roof.

“High Anxiety”

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shifty henry September 3, 2014 at 10:33 am

I guess this is worth repeating—-

——————–

Two guys were standing at adjacent urinals when one says to the other, “I’ll bet you were born in Charleston, SC.”

“Why, that’s right,” said the other guy in surprise.

“And I’ll bet that you were circumcised when you were three days old.”

“Right again, but how’d you —-“

“And I’ll bet it was done by old Doc Sternberg.”

“Well, yes, but how did you know?” asked the second guy in amazement.

“Well, Old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle,” explained the first guy, “and you’re pissing on my shoe.”

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Do you own a clapper? September 3, 2014 at 1:53 pm

Do you run them under warm water and then tap the lid with a knife?

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Bible Thumper September 3, 2014 at 5:10 pm

Taps with the back of a plastic ladle (less noise) if nobody is watching then open with everybody watching.

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GTF Over Yourself September 3, 2014 at 9:25 am

This is by far the worst thing you’ve ever written. My girlfriends and I go away for a weekend in the fall and you know what we do? We watch football. All day. With not a man in sight! We’re not trying to impress people. We LIKE football. I’m sorry you don’t understand the game, and you probably feel left out here in the south where football is the number one sport of choice. It’s fine if you don’t like it – but to assume women who do are faking it is complete ignorant bullshit on your part. My husband and I both love football and enjoy having that as a common interest.

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J Mande Wilkes September 3, 2014 at 9:56 am

If you find this to be the most contemptuous thing I’ve written, ever, then I surely consider you an accommodating fan. Enjoy your season.

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willblogformoney September 3, 2014 at 4:27 pm

Your husband is fucking other women when you go on your all girls football weekend.

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Glass Ceiling Much? September 3, 2014 at 5:18 pm

Agreed, GTF! I watch football because I genuinely LOVE it….not because I think it’s gonna make me look cool to the guys. This isn’t the 1940’s….women can be WHO they want to be whether that’s a frothy-drinking priss or a beer drinking bitch! I’m gonna watch what I want to watch, drink what I want to drink, go where I want to go because I CAN and want to!

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Jackie Chiles September 3, 2014 at 9:34 am

I say football have MOAR breast cancer awareness days and MOAR women’s commercials. Only when we see a Bud Light/Chevy Truck/Tampon Commercial in that order during an NFL game will America be equal.

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HD September 3, 2014 at 9:38 am

While I’m pretty sure that I don’t care whether women like football, I’m certain that I don’t care whether Mande Wilkes (or anyone else) does care that women like football.

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Nobody Likes J. Princesses September 3, 2014 at 11:29 am

Obviously, you read “Gone Girl” and are objecting to the Cool Girl persona…the polar opposite of the Jewish Princess. Fortunately, there really are Cool Girls, who like football, burping, etc., and I’ve been married to one for much too long for her to be faking it.

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J Mande Wilkes September 3, 2014 at 11:56 am

Totally didn’t read “Gone Girl.” It’s a mystery, no? Those give me the heebie-jeebies. Which I guess reinforces my Jewish-princess thing… fine by me.

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Crooner September 3, 2014 at 11:57 am

Ouch. When I was in high school there was no such thing as SUVs.

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William K. Mulligan September 3, 2014 at 11:59 am

The real reason the author judges women who like football, or writes anything here or on Facebook, is for attention. To each his and her own, I say. Who is Mande Wilies and why does anyone give a fuck who she judges for anything? What has she accomplished that warrants anyone’s attention or than saying provocative things or a feigned wannabe Sharon Stone free shot? No matter how big your tits are this contrarian bit is boring and intellectually lazy.

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J Mande Wilkes September 3, 2014 at 12:12 pm

“You. You’re good, you. You’re real good.” –DeNiro, addressing his shrink in “Analyze This”

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QuitYourWhining September 3, 2014 at 12:19 pm

Let me guess. Male attention and physical validation had absolutely no bearing on your decision to get fake breasts.

Making a point to be different from and judging the women who genuinely enjoy football, beer, hunting, SUVs, guns, or whatever other activities you don’t deem feminine enough, makes you the same type of attention-whore you’re whining about.

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J Mande Wilkes September 3, 2014 at 12:22 pm

In fact I was diagnosed at 18 with a breast malformation, called “tuberous breast deformity.” Google if you’re curious. It was, then, vanity which compelled me to get implants… I’ve never claimed to be anything other than extremely self-interested.

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Joe Boy September 3, 2014 at 1:16 pm

My cousin Joe has a tuberous deformity. We just call him “Cousin Joe the HUNG SUMBITCH”.

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Bible Thumper September 3, 2014 at 1:41 pm

Not a chance. I would rather Google “beheading”.

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Mr. Creepy September 3, 2014 at 1:56 pm

“In fact I was diagnosed at 18 with a breast malformation, called “tuberous breast deformity.””

If we had met back when you were 18 I would have rubbed them for you and told you how wonderful they are anyway. No surgery necessary. I’m a nice guy like that.

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A Real Lawyer September 3, 2014 at 6:26 pm

Just googled “tuberous breast deformity” and realized that condition describes nearly anyone that doesn’t have perfectly round, small-nippled breasts that are the aesthetic ideal in our culture. I’d hardly call that a deformity.

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J Mande Wilkes September 3, 2014 at 9:51 pm

You hardly read deeply enough, then. It’s a recognized, and recognizable, medical condition. Many insurers cover the cost of reconstructive surgery, which in any event only masks the problem – which is in most cases that there’s a lack of mammary tissue within the breasts. It prohibits breastfeeding, for one thing.

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Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 3, 2014 at 9:42 pm

I’m gonna need to see them on full display to make an educated assessment :-)

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Mojitos September 3, 2014 at 1:09 pm

I’m trying to like you here but you make it hard (excuse me madam, difficult) by missing the facts.

1) At the most recent soccer regional played in Greer, SC teams came from all over the Southeast. 50% of them were female teams. Standard reflection of the avg. participation. Nearly all high schools have female soccer teams.
2) At a similiar tournament last summer where 16 fields were kept occupied for a three-day weekend 16 players were carried away by ambulance. Safe?
3) My favorite porn site has a special category called “Women’s Choice”. I feel certain it is actually voted on by women since most of the flicks in that category feature either
a)lesbianism with really pretty women
b) well-endowed black guys, like jungle hung, performing with women. Since
By far the best category is “soccer moms and mini-vans” although I suspect that the women are not really soccer moms due to the dreadful tramp stamps that most of them are sporting.

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thisguyabovemeiscrazy September 3, 2014 at 2:32 pm

Trolling so hard my god lolol

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Stiff Raad September 3, 2014 at 1:23 pm

I’m pushing 50. If Hardees ran hamburger commercials back in the 80s like they do today I would never have been able to watch TV in the family room without embarrassing myself.

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higuy September 3, 2014 at 2:26 pm

This is a horribly sexist and opinionated piece of “journalism.” I got high and wrote down a bunch of stupid thoughts this morning too, wanna see??

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Original Good Old Boy September 3, 2014 at 3:48 pm

Why the hell did I read this?

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FITS=Crack Cocaine September 3, 2014 at 8:26 pm

Long day? Distraction?

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Limbaughsaphatkhunt September 3, 2014 at 9:41 pm

Not sure about the point here.

I will say that when it comes to women and football, I can’t stand female sideline reporters. Call me sexist or whatever but it’s a waste of time.

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