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Every now and then, it is my duty to catch FITSNews readers up on the lunatic fringe stuff they might have missed. Not a feature story, but dispatches from the Culture Wars, and stupidity from the Swamp. Let’s get started:
Trevor Noah recently gave a monologue about “why it’s impossible to tax billionaires.” After complaining about the fact they aren’t taxed on unrealized capital gains, he engaged in a deep dive into PhD level economics.
He was incredulous Elon Musk was able to buy Twitter without paying taxes on the money he used to do so. Noah’s in-depth research showed that he raised the money from investment groups but used his Tesla stock to guarantee the loan… so he spent $43 billion dollars and didn’t pay taxes on it!
Huh—promising something of equal or more value to guarantee a loan… ever heard of a home equity loan, you imbecile?
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NEXT UP, ELLIOT PAGE
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During a recent interview, Elliot Page got choked up how happy “he” was to have had “his” female breasts cut off in December of 2020—because now “he” can look at “himself” in the mirror and see “his” true self.
When this magical conversion occurred, “he” was playing a female role in a series called The Umbrella Academy. For some impossible-to-imagine reason, “he” continued to play a “she” for three more years.
If memory serves me correctly, this is an abomination—because “he” was playing a role some deserving real woman was being cheated out of. Captain Compassion himself, Tom Hanks, said he shouldn’t have played a gay man with AIDS in Philadelphia, or a mentally challenged man in Forrest Gump.
I’m not sure how you invest hundreds of millions of dollars in a motion picture if the lead character is an actual gay man with AIDS, given that back in that era he might’ve died before filming ended. Same with Forrest Gump. Imagine going to executive producers to get $100 million in funding and having this conversation:
Director: So you loved the script, eh? Whatta ‘ya say? I need 100 mil.
Producer: Who’s playing the lead?
Director: Uh, you haven’t heard of him.
Producer: Why?
Director: He’s retarded.
Producer: I know, but who’s the actor? The guy playing Forrest?
Director: He’s a retarded kid. You haven’t heard of him.
Producer: Wait, like mentally challenged? In real life? What if he decides he doesn’t want to act that day? Or can’t remember his lines? Or decides he doesn’t like acting, and quits five months into principal photography?
Director: Well, that’s a risk we need to take—unless you want to be a monster like the producer who allowed Elliot Page to be Ellen Page after Ellen Page became Elliot Page.
Producer: I think this might be a better fit for Harvey Weinstein.
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CORY “SPARTACUS” BOOKER
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Spartacus decided he wanted to break Strom Thurmond’s record for filibustering, which stood at 24-hours.
For younger readers, a filibuster is an old-school tactic to stop a bill from passing… opponents to the bill would take turns standing up, speaking around the clock—as in 24-hours a day. The idea was the supporters of the bill would finally say, “We got stuff to do. We’ll drop the bill if you’ll shut up.”
Well, Cory Booker did it! He droned on for 25 hours!
And the bill he stopped was… wait, what?
There was no bill?
How can that be? What was the point?
Yes, that’s right. There was no point. He accomplished nothing—but since that’s in keeping with the DNC platform, maybe having no point was the point?
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KID ROCK
As everyone knows, Kid Rock is thick as thieves with the Orange Man and recently visited the White House wearing one of his usual outrageously patriotic costumes—you know, the Elton John if he was straight look.
The commies on X went wild with their “insulting” comments.
Commie attempt at humor: You see, President Zelenskyy? This how you dress to go to the White House.
Reply: What country does Kid Rock lead, and how many billions in aid was he asking for?
Reply: I’m pretty sure a meeting between Kid Rock and Trump can’t trigger WWIII.
Reply: Kid Rock might be planning to kill a few thousand brain cells after the meeting, but not a few thousand of his countrymen.
Reply: Kid Rock dressed like a rock star, not a roadie. Zelenskyy dressed like a roadie, not a President.
FITSNews recently posted video of an all-out brawl at a Saluda “soccer” game. Because my colleagues are professional journalists, they are barred from offering helpful commentary, like me and NPR:
- No one in the video is from within 3,000 miles of Saluda.
- No one in the brawl would ever call the game “soccer.”
- I guess acting illegally isn’t something these folks worry about much.
- Maybe they need some ICE to cool the tempers.
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BALI, INDONESIA IS IN THE NEWS
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After unveiling a new policy banning “menstruating tourists” from entering temples over concerns that the “dirty” period blood will contaminate their holy sites. According to the website explaining the ban, officials believe menstruating women are prone to faint, may become possessed, and cause natural disasters to befall the nearby villages.
Wait until they get a load of their first American liberals:
Cop: Are you menstruating?
Purple-haired, neck-tattooed, nose ring wearing America Karen: WHAT BUSINESS IS THAT OF YOURS??? I HAVE RIGHTS, YOU KNOW! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER!
Cop: Okay, the answer is obvious, so you may not enter.
Cop, to American man wearing a dress: You may enter.
American man wearing a dress: HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M NOT MENSTRUATING??? I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M A PROUD WOMAN.
Cop: You are obviously a man.
American man wearing a dress: I AM A WOMAN!!! HOW DARE YOU—
Cop: You are clearly possessed. You cannot enter.
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Cop: Are you menstruating?
Morbidly obese American Women with shaved head wearing Ivy League t-shirt: NO, BECAUSE I CAN’T! I HAD MY OVARIES REMOVED AFTER TRUMP WAS ELECTED BECAUSE I DON’T WANT MEN TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AND GET ME PREGNANT!
Cop: Men in your country will have sex with you?
Morbidly obese American Women wearing Ivy League t-shirt: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!
Cop: I believe you are a walking natural disaster, and might just go into one of our nearby villages. You may not enter, and must leave the region entirely.
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has literally destroyed America’s position as the world’s preeminent position as a warfighting machine. Incredibly, he ordered the military services to require everyone who serves in a combat specialty to meet the same physical fitness standard.
For reaction, we turned to Team Lesbian at the LA Fire Department, who told us:
- This a massive mistake for numerous reasons, not the least of which is it will result in combat arms being manned by women at a percentile rate of .01%. If one of those rare female soldiers has her legs blown off, she wants someone “that looks like her” to carry her off the battlefield.
- When a female soldier is captured and the gang rapes begin, she wants her rescuers—the ones cutting throats and slaughtering the animals—to “understand her situation better.”
- If ordered to rescue a wounded soldier, she is the best suited to explain why she can’t and won’t, because it’s not her fault her comrade “got himself into wrong place if he needs me to carry him off the battlefield.”
Our opinion? Hegseth is a lunatic. Men and women don’t need to maintain the same physical standards. If carrying a 65-lb pack, ammo, a machine gun, and Laaw rockets proves too taxing for a lady, there are plenty of fit toxic males to lend a hand.
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IN THE AREA OF SEXUAL DEVIANCE
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The stakes have been upped for parents trying to keep their minor children away from freaks.
A 17-year-old child in Colorado—a girl who thinks she’s a boy—got into a fight with her mother, probably over something minor like her lack of a penis and having two X chromosomes—and left her home to seek shelter with a former math teacher.
The math teacher, JoAnn Smotherman, is a woman who thinks she’s a man and is married to a man who thinks he’s a woman.
“Freak” meet “Show.”
When the girl’s mother found out where her minor daughter was, she went to the house to demand they surrender her daughter. Being freaks, they said “no,” and the mother called the police.
When those crack officers of the law arrived, they asked the minor girl who thinks she’s boy if she was in distress. When she said, “no,” the police said, “okay, thanks for letting us check the boxes (that we’ve done our job).”
The mother provided medical documents that the child had been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, depression and anxiety.
Too bad, Mom. Those are mental illnesses, but thinking you’re the opposite sex isn’t.
The deviants went on-line to raise money for a lawyer, so they could emancipate the mentally ill girl who thinks she’s a boy from her mom. Courts rejected the request, but the minor girl is still be held by perverts who aren’t her mom.
In other news, Colorado is a lawless state and their cops are effete pathetic groomers.
That’s all for now, kiddos.
More news as it breaks…
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’
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3 comments
Fun fact one when Zelenskyy met with Trump and Vance, he did not wear a suit, but he was the only man in the room not wearing makeup, and the only man in the room who would not shit in his pants and hide in a closet if he was being stalked by Russian hit squads.
But on a more serious note, when four of our service men were killed in an accident in Lithuania, the people of Lithuania lined the streets as their bodies were transported to a waiting plane to take them home. They were met at the airport by the President of Lithuania who thanked them for their service and an archbishop prayed over their coffins. When they arrived in America President bone spurs could not be bothered to interrupt his golfing to acknowledge their sacrifice or console their families. Of course he thinks military service is for losers and suckers, so that is not surprising.
In the meantime King Donald is sending men in masks and unmarked vans to yank innocent people off the street, detaining American citizens because of the color of their skin, paying a foreign government to imprison people who have never been charged with or convicted of a crime, driving our allies into the arms of the Chinese, crashing the economy, crashing the stock market and spending 6 million dollars a month on golf trips, while the drunk fox news anchor he put in charge of our military, is sending out classified information to on his private cell phone.
But hey lets not forget those trans people and the 20 trans athletes out of 500,000 athletes in the NCAA are going to destroy the country.
All of that is true, but Trump supporters will never acknowledge that. But I do think there is one question they should be required to answered, because even Joe Rogan, says the way we are handling this issue makes us monsters. Why are we paying a foreign country to imprison people who have never been convicted of committing a crime. In fact, many have never been charged with a crime. We have sent hundreds of people to El Salvador and we are paying that country to hold them in a horrible Nazi style concentration camp even though they have never been convicted of a crime. We don’t even know if they have ever committed a crime other than potentially coming into our country illegally and we don’t even know that. Which certainly does not warrant a life sentence in a concentration camp. And this is not El Salvador doing this to them. We are paying El Salvador to do it to them. The immorality lies with us! Which means nothing to Trump, he would line them up and kill them if he thought he could get away with it. But, hopefully decent people care.
OMG, it’s not just Trump and Vance who are into makeup. This from the Independent “Hegseth spent ‘several thousand dollars’ turning a Pentagon room into a make-up studio for his TV spots.” I hope the troops in the field understand the need for this when their pay is cut or they can’t get a VA doctor for six months because so many have been fired.
But who will do his hair before his combat shots? We will either need a female or a gay guy to do it right. Would that be a DEI hire?