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Well, I’m excited to report I got to interview a gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform about what’s happening in the world today. It seems to me us conservatives continue to lose at everything, and the Leftists are continuing their Charlie Sheenian streak of “winning,” so I wanted some more insight.
Me: Wow, how about that Last Supper thing in the Olympics? You gotta be on-point and committed to piss off two billion people in a 5-minute period.
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: What are you whining about? It was a celebration of the painting “The Festival of the Gods.”
Me: Can’t you see where some people thought it looked a lot like the painting of the Last Supper?
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Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: That’s because you people view everything through the lens of hate.
Me: Here are the two paintings side-by-side, with the photo of the perverts. What do you see?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: There are zero similarities. No one did anything to offend Christians. Nothing.
Me: Like, no one noticed a Christian might see similarities? Not one person? Not even an intern getting coffee and lube for the actors? The whole “seated behind a table” with the focus on the person in the center? No inside jokes about how this will piss off Christians?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: It demonstrated inclusivity.
Me: Not to me and a couple billion other people, but okay.
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Christianity is a religion of hate.
Me: Example?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Duh. The Crusades.
Me: I think we’ve got that Medieval era aggression out of our system.
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: All hate, all the time.
Me: Does it matter that the organizers literally apologized for it being based on The Last Supper? And that the video has damn near been scrubbed from the Internet?
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Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Probably because they were afraid of the violence you Christians are so well-known for.
Me: Got it. What are your thoughts on Google excluding Donald Trump from the search “attempted assassination of?” The auto-fill feature lists Ronald Reagan, Harry Truman, Teddy Roosevelt, Gerald Ford, Bob Marley, and Robert Fico. Who the hell is Robert Fico? And when did someone try to assassinate Truman?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Did it auto-fill Hitler in the list?
Me: I didn’t see Hitler listed.
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Well, Trump is literally Hitler, so that’s why.
Me: Does it matter it’s the biggest news story in the past eight years?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Literally Hitler.
Me: Got it. Tell me about the KAMELA WAS NEVER THE BORDER CZAR thing the media keeps reporting.
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: She wasn’t.
Me: Does it matter that President Biden literally said of her appointment, “She’s the most qualified person to do it, to lead our efforts with Mexico and the Northern Triangle [Honduras, Guatemala and El Salvador], and the countries that are going to need help in stemming the movement of so many folks – stemming the migration to our southern border.”
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: That doesn’t say “Border Czar.”
Me: It doesn’t mean she’s in charge of the border? And never said she wasn’t, even as 11 million illegals poured across the border in three-and-a-half years?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: You’re xenophobic, and hate immigrants.
Me: I just think a country needs a border, and a shared language and culture. We’re the only nation in the world without those.
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Like, straight male culture? You’re homophobic, too.
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Me: Let’s move on—there seems to be a battle whine among the Left that Donald Trump was nicked by a piece of glass, not a bullet. Does that matter?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Hell, yes!
Me: Why? We know bullets were flying past him, and someone was trying to kill him. One attendee died, and two were hospitalized. Does it matter the glass teleprompter wasn’t hit?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: We should’ve been given a report from his doctors about what caused his injuries, and what the treatment was!
Me: They should tell you they applied a Neosporin and a Band-Aid?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: You’re MAGA trash.
Me: Fair enough. What do you think about Biden’s plans to change how the Supreme Court operates?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: It’s about time!
Me: So it worked for 240 years, but broke in the past eight?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: It’s never worked! It’s a bunch of old white men telling women what they can do with their bodies.
Me: Do you mean four white guys, one black man, one black woman, one Hispanic woman, and two white women?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: You see how unbalanced it is?
Me: Based on the per capita number of people who qualify for that job, it actually seems kinda balanced, no?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: The court needs to be reformed!
Me: Does that mean two branches of the co-equal form of our government are more equal than the other?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Yes. It needs to be half women.
Me: Well, it is… as close to half as it can be, based on nine justices. The one extra male is Clarence Thomas.
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: He’s a racist.
Me: What do you think of Hezbollah using a drone to fire a rocket into a kids’ recreation area and murdering 12 Israeli children?
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: They’re fighting for their lives! The Jews are committing genocide on their people.
Me: Umm, that’s Hamas. Hezbollah is the Beirut-based terrorist group. They are not at war with Israel. And the rocket was made in Iran.
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Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: You’re Islamophobic.
Me: Got it. Well, lemmie wrap up. What do you think of the reporter who said about Disney’s child sex abuses: “DeSantis wasn’t wrong, but we’re so tribal now, the left will overlook child f–king if the guy from the wrong party calls it out.”
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Oh, defending the Don’t-Say-Gay law, now? Typical far-right BS.
Me: He also said, “Because it must be pointed out that when the evil governor of Florida was saying the exact same thing about kids and creepy stuff at Disney that liberals now find intolerable at Nickelodeon, he was dismissed as a hick and a bigot.”
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: What a joke. Who said that? Matt Walsh? Ben Shapiro?
Me: Umm, no. That would be Bill Maher. He also said, “As one of the few people in the public eye who’s gone through life and never had kids, someone has to tell me, why am I always having to defend them? I don’t even like kids. But I also think it’s every adult’s job to protect them.”
Gender-fluid XI/ZE carbon-based lifeform: Bill Maher hates Minor-Attracted-Persons, which is not a crime. He’s literally Hitler.
Alright, that’s all the time we have to catch up on the news today— so let me wrap up with this quote: “If Democrats were simply stupid, the laws of probability would dictate that at least some of the decisions would be good for America.”
The late Joseph McCarthy … apparently a misunderstood visionary who was simply a man before his time.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …
Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’
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12 comments
This is so cringe and weird.
Why do conservatives have to play silly make believe when trying to make one of their bizarre points?
Because they can’t find any actual real world instances that help them to not sound bonkers to normal people.
MAGA has created a Gathering of the Juggalos type situation for weirdo conservatives and the grifters who know what easy marks they are. (My apologies to Juggalos for comparing them to such horrible people)
No one thinks of LGBTQ+ people as much as conservatives, not even LGBTQ+ people themselves.
I could make fun of this, but, it’s too easy and really it’s just sad. This is the kind of thing someone writes when they’re 12 and when they go back and see it at 22 they get that gut punch realization of just how immature they used to be. Believe me, I wrote some “raps” back in the day and, yeesh, glad those are in the burn pile.
I hope you get help someday.
I love the way you MAGA cult members go out of your way to prove the worst people think of you to be true. It’s all about hate, anger, and victimhood.
So why does the SCOTUS need to be reformed after 240 years? Because for the first time in American history, we have an increasingly authoritarian party, using its power to prevent a sitting President from seating a Supreme Court Justice on the basis it was too close to the election, and then when their guy was in the same situation they pushed the appointment through stacking the court with political hacks that owe the party. We have Supreme Court Justices who lied to obtain confirmation. We have Supreme Court Justices taking massive bribes and not reporting them. We have Supreme Court Justices, refusing to recuse themselves from cases to which they have a connection and have shown open bias when any other Judge would be required to recuse. They have ignored decades of legal precedent to reach decisions that further the goals of those who appointed them to their seat or those who have bribed them. The SCOTUS has lost the trust and respect of the American People and they have no way to get it back. They are no longer viewed as a blind arbiter of justice, they are simply bought and paid for tools. Without the trust and respect of the people, they are irrelevant, and the system breaks down.
I suppose it’s a good thing that this MAGA guy doesn’t come into any actual contact with young people. Probably good that he clearly isn’t talking to any young people or any people different than him.
You can tell he spends A LOT of time thinking about young, gay, trans, queer, etc people and imagining what it might be like to engage with these people. Is this some new weird MAGA fanfic type deal?
So I have to ask. Assuming you are right about the depiction of Di Vinci’s painting. Why should Christians be offended when France, makes fun of a fictional rendition of the Last Supper painted 1400+ years after the event, in which Christ and all of his disciples are all portrayed as white Europeans?
Why is it ok for a bunch of Renaissance artists to create a false representation of Christ going so far as to use their their own face or the face of a Pope or the face of their patron as the face of God or Christ? Are you not offended by that, or were you too uneducated to know that’s what was happening, or is it just manufactured outrage for the dolts?
Also, the Olympics pre-date Christianity. And unlike Jesus, there is actual historical proof that they existed.
Ah you poor derp….didn’t you know that there are scads of atheist & agnostic, as well as religious but non-Christian history professors who recognize that Yeshua (Jesus) existed? Sure they deny that he perfomed miracles and raised from the dead, but they don’t deny his existence. You are regurgitating an old trope from the early 19702 by hostile west coast academics that has been loing disproven
Correction: 1970’s
Oh? Like who?
Name any historical records from the time Jesus is claimed to be from that mention him? There are none.
It’s OK. You can still play make believe. You don’t need proof, just your belief. No facts needed. It’s weird for adults to have imaginary friends, but that’s assuming you are an adult.
I personally have no reason to question the existence of Jesus in history. I am a believer. The Pauline epistles are dated to between AD 50 and 60 (i.e., approximately twenty to thirty years after the generally accepted period for the death of Jesus). I would have to seriously doubt that someone would have tried to fabricate a persona with such elaborate stories in such a short time. Especially in an era when, as Jesus Christ Superstar would say, there was no mass communication. While anyone can question the divinity of Jesus, I think it is likely he existed in history. There are no surviving contemporaneous Roman texts that mention him.
That said I stand by my earlier point. There is no reason for Christians to be offended when someone makes fun of or reinterprets a fictional rendition of the Last Supper which portrays Jesus and his disciples as white Europeans, and has nothing to do with the historical Jesus.
I’m curious who all the atheists are that have proof Jesus existed?
You do know what an atheist is, don’t you?
So name some of these atheists you so easily mention?
I find it ironic that the same people who are not offended by, and will defend a lying, cheating, adulterous, convicted felon who never darkens the door of a church, are the same ones who get upset about a parade in a foreign country that might make some reference to religion. Outrage, like charity, should begin at home.