An Open Letter to Canada

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by MARK POWELL

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Great Britain’s King Charles III addressed Canada’s Parliament on Tuesday (May 27, 2025). The visit was clearly intended as a show of support for the nation’s leaders as they push back against U.S. president Donald Trump‘s repeated calls to make the country the 51st U.S. state.

“Many Canadians are feeling anxious and worried about the drastically changing world around them,” Charles said. “By staying true to Canadian values, Canada can build new alliances and a new economy that serves all Canadians.”

“As the anthem reminds us: True North is indeed strong and free,” Charles concluded.

Well, if Americans could send an open letter to the folks on the far side of the 49th parallel, it would probably read something like this:

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Dear Canada:

We need to talk.

We’ve been neighbors for a long time now. You’re the kind of people we love having in our community. You’re quiet, tidy, and apart from the occasional Alberta Clipper you inflict on us every few winters, you keep things in your yard. 

True, we did invade you twice (and got our clock cleaned both times). But hey, we all make mistakes; that’s why pencils have erasers. And we’ve got along great ever since.

However, something happened lately that’s strained things on your side of the driveway, and that’s why we need to chat.

Our president wants to acquire you guys. No, really, he does. He says he’s serious about it. It surprised us as much as it did you. He must have his reasons. But frankly, most of us down here (including many who voted for him) just don’t get it. Anyway, we’ll leave that for him to explain.

We, the everyday Americans, are writing today because there’s something you need to know. This is hard for us to say, but please try and understand. 

We don’t want you.

Don’t get us wrong. It’s not that we have anything against you. In fact, you’re some of the nicest folks we’ve ever met. And you’re a far better neighbor than, say, Cuba, which thumbs its nose at us while clinging to its Commie ways. (That really sucks, too, because we’re missing out on great cigars, rum, and Caribbean jazz).

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We love the cute way you say “about” (a-boot), and your habit of ending every third sentence with “eh?’ is quaintly charming. You’ve supplied us with a steady stream of entertainers and athletes, which you generously sent stampeding our way due to your rigidly high taxes. (That was mighty kind of you; thanks again for Michael J. Fox, Jim Carrey, and Wayne Gretzky).

Honestly, you’re the kind of neighbors we would trust watching our kids if we went away for the weekend. So it’s not that.

It’s all the other stuff that would come with you. Like your education system, for instance. Our high school seniors would be mortified if they had to tell people, “I’m in Grade 13.”

Then there’s that whole VAT (Value Added Tax) thing you’ve got going. Our kids working at the drive-thru window at McDonald’s can barely handle state and local sales tax now; throwing VAT into the mix would overload the circuitry in their heads.

There’s also the Loonie. Our experiment with a dollar coin of our own didn’t turn out so well. The U.S. Mint still has warehouses filled with bags of Susan B. Anthony dollars nobody wants. (If you’re interested, we can cut you a good deal on them). Why make matters worse with the Loonie? (And speaking of Loons, we’ve already got plenty of our own in Washington, D.C., thank you very much).

While we’re on the subject of your money, that reminds us of the Royal Family. Look, we get it—you’re not British subjects anymore. But if you really want the world to see you as independent, why is the king currently serving as the Flavor Flav to your Chuck D? And why is he on your $20 bill – and a swell postage stamp?

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And, well, we especially hate to bring this up, but there’s that whole Quebec thing. No, let us correct that. Quebec is a lovely province. It’s the Quebecois themselves. I mean, can you really see us wearing berets, chomping down on expensive cheese (sorry, fromage), swilling costly wine while simultaneously complaining about everything under the sun and threatening to secede? (We tried that here once, incidentally. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work). If we’re ever in the mood for a little French Lite, we’ve already got the Cajuns in Louisiana.

So relax, neighbors. We, everyday Americans, have no designs on your dominion. Keep your Mounties. Keep playing your hockey. (Which, frankly, is totally perplexing to Southerners, who see it as one group of Yankees beating up another group of Yankees with sticks while on ice. Though now that you mention it, that does sound kind of fun to watch!) Keep spending your winters in Hilton Head until things thaw out enough to return home.

So, don’t fret about what our president says. You stay up there and we’ll stay down here. We’ll still make fun of your humorously strange version of football and how your Thanksgiving is in October, while you keep laughing at our inability to master the metric system, and everybody will get along great. 

Love Ya—Mean it! Your BFF and Neighbor,

America 

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR…

J. Mark Powell is an award-winning former TV journalist, government communications veteran, and a political consultant. He is also an author and an avid Civil War enthusiast. Got a tip or a story idea for Mark? Email him at mark@fitsnews.com.

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