Prioleau Alexander: Examining the Democratic ‘Platform’

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“Never murder an enemy who’s in the act of committing suicide.”

Prioleau Alexander, The Art of Common Sense

by PRIOLEAU ALEXANDER

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Liberals, Leftists, Progressives, Socialists, and Commies are a slippery bunch, because they slither in and out of each other’s lairs, sharing what little warmth their cold-blooded brains and hearts can generate. They ideologically mate with each other, and as a unified group come up with facts like “sexual organs play no role in gender, but the removing of them affirms it.” 

Except for the Communists, none of them understand what the other really stands for: Liberals want to protect the rights of salamanders; Leftists are Liberals who don’t bathe and view Liberals as pussies; Progressives want to “manage” Leftists and Liberals via eugenics; Socialists want America to be like Europe, when it was all white, so socialism kinda worked; and Communists, per usual, want to murder all the Liberals, Leftists, Progressives, and Socialists.

However, this gaggle of petulant, pathetic, parasitic perverts, pedophiles, and partisans are forced to gather under one tent politically, and that tent has DNC emblazoned on all four sides. Together they must hammer out a platform that protects the rights of salamanders but doesn’t include murdering everyone… except for fetuses that haven’t passed through the “Now You’re A Human” birth canal. 

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Being the fearless reporter I am, I decided to spelunk down into the dark recesses of their minds and see what they have to say about their “unified” selves. This is their latest “platform,” revealed in Chicago.

While we meet in Chicago, we also recognize and honor the traditional homelands of the Anishinaabe, also known as the Council of the Three Fires: the Ojibwe, Odawa, and Potawatomi Nations… as well as the Myaamia, Ho-Chunk, Menominee, Sac and Fox, Peoria, Kaskaskia, Wea, Kickapoo, and Mascouten, who consider this their homeland as well.

This is a kind and sensitive way to kick things off, and it’s particularly insightful that they stated the obvious: The Myaamia, Ho-Chunk, Menominee, Sac and Fox, Peoria, Kaskaskia, Wea, Kickapoo, and Mascouten consider this their homeland as well—but it’s not, because the Council of the Three Fires came in and killed everyone and drove the survivors off to parts unknown.

To use the parlance of our times, “That was mighty white of them.”

Much to my surprise, the DNC platform said jack-shit about giving the land back… nor did the Indians say anything about wanting it back, given Chicago was a fuck-load more civilized back when they were using bow and arrows to kill their rivals, not AK-47s.

Under Biden/Harris, we created nearly 16 million jobs, a record number of small businesses are being started, and factories are coming home. 

Pretty sure those 16 million jobs came about when you allowed workers to return to the jobs they had before you needlessly shut down the nation because of the Kung Flu. The record number of small businesses being started is because the millions of small businesses you destroyed resulted in available space, cheap rent, and people looking for jobs. And the only new factory in America is the perpetual motion machine you created to bring 15 million illegals across the border.

We put more police officers on the beat, and today violent crime is at its lowest in 50 years. 

First of all, you assholes spent a year cheerleading the “Defund the Police” movement, and the crime dropped because y’all stopped arresting looters, arsonist, murderers, rapists, gang members, and shoplifters with less than $999 worth of shit. This would be like Republicans claiming, “The number of whales killed by American whalers during Trump/Pence was a record low” and failing to add it’s illegal for Americans to kill whales.

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We’re seizing record amounts of fentanyl and securing our border in the face of Republican inaction. We will continue to reject political violence of all forms.

Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourselves. North Korea boasting of their human rights achievements would contain more truth.

We will continue to bring down costs for families. 

Costs? Any costs specifically? Do single people get to enjoy these cost savings? Do furries? What about billionaires? They eat eggs, too. However, I’ve got to agree that aborting every other pregnancy would bring down costs for families, so maybe that’s what you mean.

Democrats will fix the tax system, so everyone has a fair shot. 

Were y’all too busy to do this when Barack Obama had control of the House and the Senate? I mean, I know Congressional Democrats were busy passing Obamacare — so they could “find out what was in the bill” — but I’m pretty sure “fixing the tax system” to benefit the working class would’ve had bi-partisan support.

In 2023, our economy grew by 3.1 percent – the fastest rate of any major economy in the world. 

This has nothing to do with the fact our economy cratered after we kept the nation shut down for two years. It’s a matter of perspective, see? Thinking positive. Instead of being glum and saying, “The man suffered burns over 97% of his body,” we like to remember the bottoms of his feet were unburned, and report, “The man will be walking any day now—if he chooses to.”

Democrats will keep fighting to prevent the kind of supply chain shocks and corporate greed that have done so much to raise prices. 

I reckon this means a) We pinky-swear not to conspire with other nations to shut down the global economy and supply chains. b) We do plan to begin telling companies what they can charge, which is totally not Communism, unless you look up the definition of Communism.

We’ve added over 80,000 megawatts of new clean power capacity, the equivalent of building 40 Hoover Dams, to help shrink energy costs and meet ambitious climate goals. 

Amazing, huh? 40 Hoover Dams! Please ignore the fact the Hoover Dam was one of Roosevelt’s useless “make work” projects during the Great Depression, and hydro-electric dams are so laughably inefficient we haven’t built any in 80 years, and most are now just tourists’ attractions. Please focus on the fact the Hoover Dam is really, really BIG, so this is really, really BIG… times 40!

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And we’re bringing affordable, reliable, high-speed internet to every American household, because a full 45 million of us still live in areas where there is no high-speed internet. Democrats are closing that divide. 

Please avert your gaze from the fact that in 2021, the Biden Administration passed the I.I.J. Act, which included $42.5 billion to the BEAD program to provide under-served and rural areas with internet access. To date, it has connected not one single human. Instead, please look over there, where it says, “Democrats are closing that divide.”

Democrats know that Wall Street didn’t build America. The middle-class built America – and unions built the middle class.

Surely you remember the Longshoremen Union 1 that unloaded the ships in Jamestown, and the Carpenters Guild who built their homes. The Gravediggers Consolidated dug up the bodies during the “Starving Time,” and the Chefs and Cooks Local 2 fried up some tasty bicep and thigh wings. Who can forget the famed Local 23 Frontiersmen Union that settled the West? And Sex Workers #23 satisfied the cowboys in My Job Sucks International who were pushing cattle to the railhead in Denver. Yessiree—no unions, no America.  

Since the pandemic, women own a record share of businesses. 

There are tens of thousands of small businesses run by men—but “owned” by their wife, in order to qualify for “minority-owned business” contracts with all levels of government. Big surprise.

A company with billions of dollars in profits should not pay $0 in taxes. 

Maybe I’ve read the last 4,000,000,000 mainstream media articles incorrectly, but I’m pretty sure the Left thinks “tariffs are just a tax on consumers” because the cost of the tariff gets passed along to the customer. 

Got it. So if a corporation pays federal taxes of 20%, Democrats think they’ll just subtract that from their bottom line? And not pass it along to the customer? What about taxes of 100%? They’ll just keep their production here in America, and get the shareholders to agree to not take any profits?

How unthinkably stupid. 

Democrats are working to help Americans cover other housing-related costs, like utilities. Families are already saving thousands of dollars with clean energy tax credits.

Well, fuckin’ duh. It’s not hard for “families to save thousands” when the government is paying them those thousands. I could “make millions” if Will paid me $1,000,000 an article… but I doubt he could swing that—and he isn’t even $34 trillion dollars in debt. 

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The Administration supports a multitude of approaches that have been proven to help students learn: reducing chronic absenteeism, offering literacy programs, and setting high expectations; tutoring; extending the school day; and helping schools to lift student achievement, rather than punishing them based on state standardized tests. 

You could avoid spending all that time and money by buying every family a belt.

Every year, the devastation caused by climate change grows more urgent. Across the country, Americans experience the dire impacts of climate change. 

Bullshit.

The climate crisis is decades in the making, an existential threat to future generations who deserve better. 

Of course, that climate crisis was a new ice age, then famine, overpopulation, the ozone layer, droughts, acid rain, the greenhouse effect, global warming, and finally climate crisis. 

Let’s see what the smartest climate scientist in history said: “The North Polar Ice Cap will be gone in 20 years” (Al Gore, 2008). It’s not that hard, you retards—use the Google machine.

President Biden has long said that when he thinks about climate change, he thinks about jobs. Good-paying union jobs that people can raise a family on. 

Know what educated people think about when it comes to climate change jobs? Unsecured federal subsidies that offer no recourse in the case of the company declaring bankruptcy.

Know what else people think? What kind of mouth breather would build their facilities in a union city/state… unless they were paid enough in subsidies to offset the cost?

Democrats helped quadruple sales of electric vehicles, with the goal that 50 percent of all new passenger cars sold in the U.S. by 2030 be electric. 

As long as they aren’t made by the industry leader and pioneer, Elon Musk. Those must be vandalized, because saving the planet isn’t as important as feelings.

President Biden has been fighting and beating the gun lobby for decades, and he’s continued to do so as president. 

Oh, come on, for God’s sake. You must truly think your voters eat lead paint chips with dinner.

President Biden has been working to make sure police officers have the tools they need to protect their communities, including more police officers on the street. We need to fund the police, not defund the police. 

Literally, in the history of the United States, no sentence has more accurately represented the delusional minds of Liberals.

President Biden, Vice President Harris, and Democrats know that democracy has always been America’s sacred cause. 

We’re a Republic, you dumbasses. 

As President Biden has said, LGBTQI+ youth are some of the bravest people he knows.

I can’t argue there. Maybe youngsters getting shot, blown up, and crippled in defense of their country come in second, but pretty far back. 

As I stated at the opening of this piece, it is unwise to risk murder charges when your target is standing on a stool, pulling the noose around his necks. The Democrat platform is the quintessential suicide note—but unfortunately you have to be able to read it to understand it.

Perhaps someday their heroic efforts to fix the education system will result in their voters learning to read, causing them to read the DNC platform, thus inspiring them to think, “I went through all that effort to become literate in order to read this bullshit? Next election, I’m using my 12 votes for Republicans.”

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR …

Prioleau Alexander is a freelance writer, focusing mostly on politics and non-fiction humor. He is the author of four books: ‘You Want Fries With That?,’ ‘Dispatches Along the Way,’ ‘Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?‘ and ‘They Don’t Call It The Submission Process For Nothing.’ 

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