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Maryland Republican: “Masturbation Is Satan’s Plan To Silence The Church”

AN APOSTOLIC “PROPHETESS” WEIGNS IN ON END-TIME WARFARE …  Just when you thought South Carolina had the market cornered on kooky “Republicans,” along comes Maryland State Senate candidate Janice Fountaine. Prior to her career as a member of the GOP, Fountaine – a self-described “Apostle” and “Prophetess” – had worked…

AN APOSTOLIC “PROPHETESS” WEIGNS IN ON END-TIME WARFARE … 

Just when you thought South Carolina had the market cornered on kooky “Republicans,” along comes Maryland State Senate candidate Janice Fountaine.

Prior to her career as a member of the GOP, Fountaine – a self-described “Apostle” and “Prophetess” – had worked to “position the Body of Christ, for a great shifting, by God and a great outpouring of His Spirit, so that they may walk in their predestined Kingdom authority and fulfill His purpose in them.”

“She moves by the Spirit of God, and functions under the mantles of the Apostle and the Prophet,” Fountaine’s website declares. “Her prophetic mandate is to ‘Gather the Prophets, train, equip, empower and activate those called to the realm of the prophetic and to go forth and speak what Thus saith the Lord.'”

Hmmmm-kay …

Although she began her “ministry” twenty years ago, Fountaine is only a recent convert to the GOP. Before that she was chairman of her own party – called the New Independent Christian Party.

According to the group’s official website, it advocates for the elimination of the 2001 and 2003 income tax cuts as well as a staunchly interventionist American foreign policy.

“America is the world police, whether we like it or not,” the party’s issues page states. “We believe that as a God ordained friend of Israel, America must maintain the military strength to keep us in the capacity of leadership that we have been placed in throughout the world.”

Oh, brother …

But it’s the party’s views on sexual orientation and masturbation that are really worth reading …

The practice of homosexuality and self-pleasure, are age old systems, being recharged and reorganized for end-time warfare. It is being orchestrated from the diabolical realms of the supernatural and manifested on earth, with the overall intention, to silence the church forever. These actions, by satan, is an all out declaration of victory, as the church finds itself caught off guard and intertwined in his evil end-time warfare, strategies and systems.

Whoa …

Maryland “Republicans” are understandably quite leery of the bad press Fountaine is likely to generate for the party.

“There has been a lot of recent discussion about how the Maryland GOP recruits candidates,” Maryland-based blogger Jeff Quinton reports. “And there has been a discussion about whether it’s smart to have the proverbial warm body filed to run for every office or whether to focus on recruiting good candidates.”

According to Quinton, the Maryland GOP knew of Fountaine’s bizarre statements “during the recruitment process last year.”

Sheesh …

Cue a Democratic fundraising field day in 3, 2, 1 …

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67 comments

GrandTango March 2, 2014 at 3:57 pm

FITS may the most ignorant cliche to ever stroke his key.

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John Boy March 2, 2014 at 5:01 pm

No, it’s all you, Sweetheart…

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GrandTango March 2, 2014 at 5:07 pm

Wow: Glad to see something original from one of yall…….

Have you EVER thought of something on your own in your miserable life…Dumb@$$????

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John Boy March 2, 2014 at 5:14 pm

Lol! Again, I love you man!

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euwe max March 2, 2014 at 8:26 pm

I love how you make the most pedestrian post seem original, DT.

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GrandTango March 2, 2014 at 8:30 pm

Ever since you made a F*#king fool of yourself w/ that idiot attempt of self-absorbed eloquence…it’s obvious you’re trying to WAY too hard to prove you are what you want to be…

Take my word for it: It ain’t workin’….

euwe max March 2, 2014 at 8:36 pm

I’ll take that in the spirit of Christian love, as it was intended.

GrandTango March 3, 2014 at 7:07 am

How patently liberal of you to TAKE, which is all you people ever do. You never contribute.

And: to arbitrarily and judgmentally incorporate a Christian perk for your own selfish convenience, despite that you regularly attack Christians and Christianity in favor of your religion of liberalism…

That (though you’ll never get it): is an example of me playing chess (successfully) compared to the tiddlywinks for which you are so intellectually equipped….

euwe max March 3, 2014 at 9:34 am

oh, let me return the favor then…

See a professional, you aren’t well.

TWSS March 3, 2014 at 1:43 pm

“Take my word for it: It ain’t workin’….”

I bet many women have told you that, Little T.

Best Hand Job™ March 2, 2014 at 5:08 pm

Fits may BE the most ignorant cliché to ever stroke his keys.

Fixed it for you!

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SCBlueWoman March 2, 2014 at 5:31 pm

Fits will never be as ignorant as his alter ego GT. NEVER.

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TontoBubbaGoldstein March 2, 2014 at 7:13 pm

” alter ego”

“Doppler-Ganger”
-from “T”, himself.

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Karl March 3, 2014 at 7:22 am

I want an alter ego

dwb619 March 2, 2014 at 8:57 pm

How ya put that little “bugger’ thang over the “e”?

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Will Folks aka Sic March 2, 2014 at 5:20 pm

Yes but at least I don’t live on “that” side of the river.

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MashPotato March 2, 2014 at 4:46 pm

Hey Sic, you ever use that particular machine??

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TontoBubbaGoldstein March 2, 2014 at 9:48 pm

Sic is prolly more of a RoboSpanker kind of guy.

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Gregory Geddings March 2, 2014 at 4:56 pm

That’s the empty chair that Clint Eastwood SHOULD HAVE debated during the Republican National Convention!

I guess it beats getting waterboarded

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WTF March 2, 2014 at 5:28 pm

Isn’t masturbation having sex with someone you love?
In Nikki Haley’s case, it would be mastErbation. She thinks she is the master of all of us and we are her servants, especially the security detail, the taxpayer and ALL state employees.

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Touchin' Myself March 2, 2014 at 11:54 pm Reply
SCBlueWoman March 2, 2014 at 5:31 pm

And that’s another reason the GOP will lose all national election in the near and far future. Bless their hearts.

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Phil March 2, 2014 at 6:07 pm

What about this story makes me think: Richard Eckstrom?

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TripleDDD March 2, 2014 at 7:01 pm

I thought of Kevin Bryant. If he masturbated more he would not need his young honey in Columbia.

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James R. Brayshaw March 2, 2014 at 7:00 pm

Let’s back up a notch….so the idea that masturbation is an orchestrated system of a diabolically fueled satanic realm being used to fulfill an end time event or apocalyptic cascade of destruction is actually platform for this Apostle of her own stating? Well, masturbation may be real and a threat to the sensibilities of the hyper-religious who work to deny almost all their natural sexual unction…but what if they learned that there is no Satan?
Then who is responsible for folks wanting the forbidden fruit?

Hmmm…how about diggin back into the Hebraic understanding of Satan. Masturbation was an act of release for ancient cultures in ways that are yet unimagined by the present day participants. So if Satan is propelling it then he has sure been a slow hand Luke to get his plan to unfold. End times or not, masturbation and sexual hedonism was far more prolific in the times of Christ than it is in our day. We not only find masturbation to be completely accepted but one would also find that the Satan who supposedly flails the hand of the self-pleasure seeker is not actually a real entity. That’s right. Thousands of pages of Biblical and historical research into the origin of Satan and a supposed fallen angel have shown that Christ and the Apostles don’t even believe in the Satan of Christianity. So go ahead, blame Satan if you must for the perilous practice of masturbation but once one finds out that there is no Satanic force to contend with for his or her sexual desires then it most certainly illumes the fact that simple pleasure is a big enough drive for most all on its own. And in an ancient Hebraic sense of the word….uncontrolled pursuit of pleasure that causes harm would be the satan.

http://www.imaginenosatan.com

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TontoBubbaGoldstein March 2, 2014 at 7:10 pm

Ya know, if we all pitched in and bought the pictured machine for him, BigT/GrandTango could effectively double* his output of wisdom that he blesses us with in the comment section…

*by typing with both hands.

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shifty henry March 2, 2014 at 7:15 pm

I don’t see a foot pedal on that particular model , and is it a variable speed model..??

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TontoBubbaGoldstein March 2, 2014 at 8:05 pm

The Deluxe model comes with a foot pedal speed control and an earbud that moans progressively louder until the foot pedal is fully depressed…. then screams “No baby, NOT YET!!!!”

PRO TIP:
NEVER let 110v or 220v anywhere near your genitals.

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shifty henry March 2, 2014 at 8:18 pm

‘earbuds’ — hey, didn’t know you could get those!

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euwe max March 2, 2014 at 8:25 pm

Someone should make his and her magic gloves that work with Net Meeting.

shifty henry March 2, 2014 at 9:05 pm

Requesting an interview with a loan officer, an inventor
explained that he was working on a substance which, applied locally, would make a woman’s pussy smell like an orange.
The skeptical banker refused the loan.

A year or so later, the banker noticed that the inventor now
had an enormous account. Inviting him in, the concerned banker graciously apologized. “I do hope you don’t bear us any hard feelings for turning down your loan request.”

“Far from it,” replied the inventor cheerfully. “It got me
thinking. Instead, I developed a way to make an orange smell like a pussy….

JJEvans March 2, 2014 at 9:10 pm

Dynomite!

shifty henry March 2, 2014 at 10:23 pm

Two guys are in the waiting room at the U.S. Patent Office, and share their stories. One guy holds up
an apple. “It’s a special apple – take three bites by turning the apple around.”

The second guy takes a bite, “Hmm, just an apple. Then a second bite, “Wow – it tastes like a pear!” Then the third bite, “This is incredible, it tastes like a peach!”

He hands the first guy a large cookie. “Take a bite of my special cookie and it tastes like pussy.”

“I don’t believe it – but I’ll try it.” He takes a big bite, only to make a face and sputter, “Damn, this tastes like shit!”

“Turn it around! Turn it around!”

euwe max March 3, 2014 at 1:55 am

.. now, making an orange FEEL like a pussy… THAT is genius!

euwe max March 3, 2014 at 2:02 am

“No baby, NOT YET!!!!”

——
Whereupon it begins to make muffled sounds as if being strangled to death.

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dwb619 March 2, 2014 at 9:24 pm

If he ever “got a nut” he would faint.

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euwe max March 3, 2014 at 2:00 am

Do you think his room is that modern?

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shifty henry March 2, 2014 at 7:12 pm

That photo location appears to be in an abandoned warehouse, and is probably some kind of torture device used by the Mafia, and I’m trying to remember which movie that scene was in……….

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euwe max March 2, 2014 at 8:23 pm

I’ve heard newborn calves have been used as sexual torture devices.

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dwb619 March 2, 2014 at 8:33 pm

YUK!
Did I spell that right?

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dwb619 March 2, 2014 at 7:24 pm

The sad thing is you can’t make this kind of stuff up.I wonder if this woman is a Baptist?
They won’t have sex standing up, afraid someone will see them and mistake it for dancing.
Was told by a liquor salesman years ago that the industry liked the demographics of Baptist in their sales area to proportionally high.
Because a Baptist wouldn’t drink in public, but would keep a few pints at the house.

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shifty henry March 2, 2014 at 8:28 pm

Some Baptist women have actually been known to drop their nail-polish remover during an orgasm.

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dwb619 March 2, 2014 at 8:33 pm

Don’t that burn if you get it on any of the “pink” places?

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CorruptionInColumbia March 2, 2014 at 11:30 pm

I wonder if that would kill craps like it does red bugs?

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dwb619 March 2, 2014 at 11:43 pm

Little trick I learned years ago from an elderly black man.
CLOROX!
He said to take a tub bath in water as hot as you could stand, and add a capful of Clorox.
I went him one better, and used about half a coffee cup full.
Bathed at 6 pm, by 10pm all the “chiggers” as I call them were dead.
I had them in an almost solid welt from the top of my socks to knees, and all around the belt line.
In later years we have used a Q-Tip , just dip in the Clorox and dab plentifully on the chigger.
Some more back woods information from the banks of the Reedy River.

euwe max March 3, 2014 at 1:49 am

“Pro Tip”

SCBlues March 2, 2014 at 7:44 pm

I though masturbation was a “Gift from God” – is that no longer true?
And far from being “kooky” as FITS claims, these types of Republicans ARE the heart and soul of the Republican Party these days. They all Tea-Bag and they all Bang the Bible.

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euwe max March 2, 2014 at 8:22 pm

Masturbation should be a sacrament.

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GrandTango March 2, 2014 at 8:33 pm

I “though” w/ laws that allow obese women in flannel shirts to have at each other…who needs masturbation????…you D@m* sure should know, if what you represent yourself to be, is accurate….

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SCBlues March 2, 2014 at 9:02 pm

Oh shit! BIG T would catch my typo leaving off the little t in “thought” . . . and there – I went back and corrected!

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TontoBubbaGoldstein March 2, 2014 at 9:38 pm

TWEEET

*Throws flag*

“Poster committed internet foul of getting caught making a typo and then, after being called on it, editing out the error.”

“Post is under further review…..”

*Picks up flag*

“Poster acknowledged original error before editing.Thus by rule : No foul.”

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SCBlues March 3, 2014 at 4:06 pm

LOL – I just do the best that I can – and you got to be quick to catch my typo!
Thank goodness I was awarded “no foul” – been worried about that all day!

shifty henry March 2, 2014 at 7:53 pm

Was it only about eight days ago that Sic proclaimed that he “needed to clean up this site”..??

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SCBlues March 2, 2014 at 9:06 pm

Does the “cleaning up” have to do with the Mace Campaign?
And did Nancy Mace obtain my email address because I post on this site?

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TontoBubbaGoldstein March 2, 2014 at 9:36 pm

TBG gets emails from Lee Bright…

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euwe max March 3, 2014 at 2:06 am

That place looks cleaner than his toilet area.

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Mike at the Beach March 2, 2014 at 8:17 pm

“Weigns in?” I think the copy editor must be spending all of his time writing Nancy Mace pieces…

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SCBlues March 2, 2014 at 9:04 pm

LOL.
Where is TBG? TBG didn’t you offer your proofreading services??

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shifty henry March 3, 2014 at 3:16 pm

— did she mean to say “weenies in”..??

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euwe max March 2, 2014 at 8:27 pm

Now that can’t be a stock photo from AP.

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Touchin' Myself March 2, 2014 at 8:52 pm

If Satan is responsible for masturbation then I must be possesed by Satan himself, as I am all powerful in my ability to masturbate.

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JJEvans March 2, 2014 at 9:05 pm

I predict that evolution will dictate that in the future women will become pregnant by a cumshot to the face…

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CorruptionInColumbia March 2, 2014 at 11:28 pm

Cool! Then the vaginal area my be utilized for fun without worry!

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euwe max March 3, 2014 at 2:04 am

I wouldn’t be surprised if you were a nose baby.

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Thomas March 3, 2014 at 12:11 am

According to psychiatrists, masturbating three times a week is normal…thinking about Hillary is Democratic, and thinking about Lindsey Graham, is, well…progressive.

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euwe max March 3, 2014 at 2:03 am

No one has mentioned the elephant in the room… what’s in those buckets?

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Matthew March 6, 2014 at 6:12 am

Its glad to see more soldiers who disagree with self rape… We need there support for our facebook page… http://Www.facebook.Com/stopselfrape

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