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lindsey and hillary2


FITSNews – May 20, 2007 – We like to get right down to the heart of the matter here at FITSNews, which is probably why so many people want our bodies. Or maybe it’s the perfume. Anyway, we’re experts at picking up on people’s brainwaves. For example, a third of you are probably humming Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” to yourselves right about now. Another third of you are probably laughing at the picture above thinking it looks an awful lot like a George Washington quarter (left) talking to a Franklin Roosevelt dime (right). And of course the rest of you are just anxious for us to get to the point about immigration because you are white Republicans who have never been laid. In fact, the closest you’ve probably ever been to an “erection” in your lives is the discussion you had over the weekend with another white Republican about the potential erection of a border fence. Which hasn’t even happened yet.

We’ve written about immigration here and here, and by clicking on either of those links you’ll quickly discover that we are indeed experts on the subject.

That’s why we are uniquely qualified to comment on a) this weekend’s dustup over immigration between U.S. Senators Jim Demint and Lindsey Graham, b) the subsequent booing of Graham by the S.C. Republican faithful at this weekend’s state convention, and c) the pleas made by RNC Chairman Mel Martinez for Republicans to support a controversial immigration compromise.

Needless to say, Martinez’s plea fell on deaf ears in South Carolina. Heck, let’s be honest, half of South Carolina Republicans probably had it in their minds to check Martinez’s papers to see if he was legit.

Anyway, under the provisions of the compromise legislation, illegal immigrants could obtain renewable “Z visas,” allowing them to stay in the country indefinitely. Then, by paying $5,000 in fees, they could then begin an 8-13 year process toward permanent residency.

Graham supports the compromise, DeMint doesn’t. As for us, we’re waiting to see what it means for our fantasy baseball team, which includes an Ortiz, Contreras, Ruiz, Cabrera, Ordonez, Guillen, Carmona, Cordero, and yes … a Martinez on its roster. We’ve also got a sh*tty Canadian reliever, but unfortunately nobody’s talking about building a fence on that border. Yet, anyway.

To us, immigration has always been a loser political issue. Republican Weston Newton used it as a central campaign theme in his State Senate primary race down in Beaufort, and he got his hat handed to him by his opponent … handily.

That doesn’t mean you can’t oppose illegal immigration intelligently, it’s just not as clean and easy a hit as some politcal pollsters like to think it is. First you’ve got to find a way to frame it positively. Then you’ve got to find a way to not be overtly racist about it. Then you’ve got to show that our taxes are higher, our schools are fuller and our government is slower and more expensive because of it. And finally, you’ve got to show that your opponent doesn’t care about it … or at least doesn’t care about it as much as you do.

Not easy to do in thirty seconds. Or sixty seconds, for that matter.

Of course that doesn’t mean somebody won’t try to pop Graham on the issue. Lindsey’s reputation as a “maverick” centrist – and the possible motivations behind it – have long fascinated political observers in South Carolina.

Graham’s conservative critics are quick to point out not only the myriad of issues they have with his voting record, but also the fact that our state’s “Senior Senator” has yet to face a serious, well-organized challenge in any of his general election races – let alone a credible, well-funded opponent in a Republican primary.

Which is another way of saying while the boobirds may have subsided for now, Graham may not have heard the last of their “Immigration Song.”