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Al Gore Raving

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT, CURRENT HOLLYWOOD DARLING BLASTS FITSNEWS’ FOUNDER SIC WILLIE IN E-MAIL

FITSNews – March 3, 2007 – Former Vice President Al Gore lashed out at FITSNews’ founder Sic Willie in an e-mail sent to reporters Saturday morning. Apparently, the controversy stems from an article appearing on FITSNews last week in which Gore was “criticized” for failing to mention budding climatologist Mark “Rain Man” Sanford in his Oscar acceptance speech for the documentary film “An Inconvenient Truth.”

Here is a copy of the e-mail Gore sent to the media:

To Whom It May Concern,

My life is full of inconvenient truths. My father fought against the Civil Rights Act, and yet, I worked for the first black president. Wait a minute. Perhaps that’s an irony rather than a truth. Seems to me I read something about that on Sic Willie’s blog.

I lost the 2000 presidential race by less electoral votes than those held by the State of Tennessee. Oh yeah, did I mention I lost Tennessee?

I slipped my wife the tongue at the Democratic National Convention in 2000, but the MTV crowd still didn’t like me very much. Maybe I should have just ripped her top off like that boy band member and Michael Jackson’s twin sister. (Can you write the word “member” in a blog? I know Tipper doesn’t like that kind of language in songs and she does seem to have been really mad at my member lately. Still . . .)

I invented all kinds of shit like the Internet, shag carpet, mood rings, AMC Pacers, and the personal computer, but I’ve yet to see a freakin dime from any of that.

Any one of these sh*t sandwiches would be tough to eat by itself, but I’ve been in the buffet line getting seconds and thirds for years. I guess you could say I needed a win.

And guess what. I actually got a win. You see, I made up discovered global warming and quickly realized there was money to be made and redemption to be found in the end of the world. All I had to do was talk about how hurricanes were bad, blame them on that dumbass Bush, and I was in business. I mean, think about it. It takes a special kind genius to compare the use of the internal combustion engine with Kristallnacht. And I got away with it, people. I got some stooges to write up a movie, shoot some cool pictures of bad shit happening all over the world, blamed that dumbass Bush and his Halliburton oil buddies, and those retards in Hollywood started giving me awards and shit.

I even got the granddaddy of them all — the Oscar! (Yeah, yeah, I also got serviced by Babbs Streisand backstage, but that’s one event from that night that we’re going to keep from Tipper. Comprendeme? Besides, it shouldn’t count since I was in line for her behind the black president and his wife — you know, the one with the hot elephant-like ankles. What a great president — escaped an impeachment conviction and permanently redefined blow jobs as “not sex.” I hope Tipper got that memo since I’ll be seeing Susan Sarandon next week. But I digress.)

Anyway, so the worm had finally turned. (Right Babbs? ;-) ) The pendulum had swung. I was finally getting my due. Until that self-important little puke Sic Willie exposed me for the fraud that I am. He just had to let everybody (well, at least the 12 people who read his blog) know that Governor Mark Sanford is my inspiration, my Buddha at the top of the mountain, my swami behind the kitchen in the Indian restaurant, my Jim Jones with the yummy Kool-Aid. My newest dirty little secret, exposed by the bad boy of the Carolina blog world, is that all global warming roads lead to Mark Sanford. That’s right. It’s his biosphere, and I’m just the larva that was in the dogshit someone tracked in on the bottom of their shoes.

Hell, he even looks the part. I’ve been making up sh*t talking about global warming for years, and I look like I just crawled out of an igloo above the Arctic Circle. Sanford, on the other hand, looks like he’s been swimming in a nuclear reactor on Three Mile Island. As those dumbass inbreds in Tennessee (I’m not bitter just observant) say: “He’s purty and he’s tan like Pa above the ankles.” How can my fat ass compete with that?

Well, it won’t be long before he’ll steal the spotlight from me. He’ll take credit for the crusade against global warming just like he took credit for all the legislative shit he hasn’t gotten done. I’ll be sent back to the ashheap of history, and that motherf*cker will glory in the credit I so rightly deserve.

I just hope that before they all drown one of those fucking polar bears bites his ass.

Sincerely,

Al Gore