Just when you thought it was safe to believe in true love again, popslut Paris Hilton and Good Charlotte rocker Benji Madden are calling it quits … which for some reason has prompted the song “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” to firmly implant itself inside our heads.

Go figure …

“All through our wild days

Our mad existence

We kept our promise … don’t keep your distance.”

Anyway, speaking of “keeping your distance,” if you’re looking for Exhibit A it’s Benji Madden, who will no doubt have to bathe in something radioactive for the rest of his life to get rid of all the Paris cooties.

Your faith in true love may grow back … Benji Madden’s penis probably will not.

So yes, Paris is single again … but our advice remains to look, not touch …

UPDATE - Obviously, “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” wasn’t the song we were thinking of to describe this break-up, people.

Puhleeze …

It sounds a lot like one of those Jeff Foxworthy “redneck” jokes, but let’s face it … when a guy named “Tumpy” thinks he sees an opening in your state’s gubernatorial race … you’re next governor just might be a redneck.

Anyway, such is the dilemma faced by South Carolinians, who at the moment have an incredibly uninspiring array of Bocephus-style options to choose from as they contemplate who will follow Mark Sanford into one of the most severely-limited chief executive offices in the country.

Consider the stumblin’, bumblin’, fumblin’ response given by Attorney General Henry McMaster - the man widely-presumed to be the frontrunner in the race - when he “got the question” the other day …

“We have a crying need for more energy and development in two areas,” McMaster said. “That is economic development and education.” [...]

“As far as the governor’s race is going, that is something I’m considering very seriously,” McMaster said. “If there is some way I can do more than I am doing now and the opportunity comes along, I’d like to take it.”

McMaster said as governor he would work on developing a better education system and progressing the state’s economy – two things he said go hand in hand.

“You can’t have a thriving economy with good work and good paying jobs for the people unless you have educated people capable of using it,” McMaster said.

Sadly, anybody who’s spent more than a few minutes with McMaster can tell you that this response is actually a home run by his standards.

Seriously, his advisors are no doubt ecstatic that he was able to remember those “economy” and “education” flash cards they’ve been working so hard on over the past few months.

“Hell I done good cuz I member dey both started wit ‘e,’ t’ain’t dat right Trey Boy-ah?” McMaster probably told his longtime confidant Trey Walker after the interview. “I’z a show stoppa, t’aint I?”

Good grief … of course a governor is going to focus on economic development and education.

Way to plow some bold, new ground there, Henry.

Anyway, McMaster’s current competition isn’t dealing from any fuller a deck than he is …

Gresham Barrett, who would probably rank just behind McMaster in the current 2010 standings, has a great conservative voting record but he’s always sucking up to the religious right and babbling incessantly about everything his “daddy” taught him back in the day.

Of course, he forgot all about his “daddy’s” advice … and common sense fiscal conservatism … when he flip-flopped on the massive federal bailout bill earlier this year, a move that has cost him a lot of support.

Next up is Lt. Gov. André Bauer, who was lucky this last election to hang onto his part-time job sucking up to old people and banging a ceremonial gavel in the State Senate.

He’s got a built-in network of demographic gold, to be sure, but it’ll be interesting to see how they respond to some of the revelations we’re hearing coming out of his State Office on Aging.

And much further down the totem pole of potential prospects is outgoing House Majority Leader Jimmy Merrill, who might actually be the smartest of the four names we’ve mentioned, at least when he’s not getting sloshed out of his mind and bragging about how cleverly he puts the procedural screws to fiscal conservatives while pretending to support their issues.

Merrill is a decent guy, but it’ll be tough to get the women’s vote when his “Men’s Caucus” memo and “Thong Day Thursday” missives hit the mainstream press (which they will), to say nothing of all the scandalous reports of his big pimpin’ Columbia lifestyle while the wife and kids are stuck back home in Charleston.

So yeah … we hate to say it, but at this point there may actually be room for a “Tumpy” in this race.

Which is just sad … on so many levels.

So now that we’ve sliced and diced these four Jethros, who should be running? And what about the Democrats?

Stay tuned …

Just two days after his epic film Australia premiered to rave reviews and Oscar buzz in his native Sydney, Hollywood hunk Hugh Jackman was named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” yesterday.

What a week … maybe this Friday he can solve the global economic crisis using nothing but his washboard abs.

Anyway, Jackman was followed on this year’s world’s sexiest list by new “007″ Daniel Craig, Mad Men’s John Hamm, some kid from a high school musical (what?) and Lipstick Jungle’s Robert Buckley, whoever the hell he is.

Interestingly enough, we’ve always giggled whenever we heard Hugh Jackman’s name spoken aloud, because frankly it reminds us think of all the times we’ve prank-called people looking for Hugh G. Rection … or his business associate Jack Meoff.

But that’s obviously neither here nor there … congratulations are in order, and it seems like Jackman is a really nice guy, which is why we’re now ready to read about how cute he is with kids before voraciously devouring pictures of him without his shirt on.

So moving right along, from People:

Jackman’s wife of 12 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, calls his perfect form “the Body of Doom – but I like what’s inside”: a romantic who sings ballads at home and makes pancakes for Oscar, 8, and Ava, 3.

Awww … and Ahhhh …

Some of our critics will say there’s some irony in the fact that we missed “World Toilet Day” yesterday.

We don’t see that irony, but whatever.

Oh wait … we got it.

Anyway, yesterday indeed was “World Toilet Day,” as officially proclaimed by the World Toilet Organization, a group dedicated to “improving toilets and sanitation globally,” i.e. giving more people a pot to piss in.

“We encourage all of you to participate in this year’s celebration,” the group’s latest release says. “If you have activities planned for the World Toilet Day, do share with us by email (and) … if you are thinking of activities for the day, still write to us as we can share with you many ideas to make this day special.”

Really … is that a joke? Because other than going No. 2 in the morning and No. 1 five or six times throughout the day, we can’t really think of any other toilet-related activities that would make our day any more special.

Although it would be nice if Sic Willie remembered to take a book of matches with him the next time he visited our corporate unisex (above).

Maybe there’s something to be said for “natural habitat” after all.

For all the fuss over the Lions’ FOX Sports sideline reporter Charissa Williams, leave it to our founding editor to locate what we believe to be the hottest lioness of them all at a recent Detroit game.

Who is she?

Who knows … all we know is we got some super hot high resolution shots of her sitting next to another ve-r-r-r-r-r-y hot lioness … one with whom she definitely had a little girl-on-girl flirtation going.

Illegal hands to the face (and hair)? Not in our rule book, people …

Anyway, the pair left the game prior to the start of the third quarter, which not surprisingly meant that our intrepid photojournalist Sic Willie left the game prior to the third quarter.

So how come he doesn’t remember this girl’s name?

UPDATE - Awww, c’mon now … sometimes that’s just the way it goes, baby.  Sic needs you and your friend to stay strong right now.

Yesterday was a bad day to go to Washington with your hat in your hand begging for a multi-billion dollar bailout … particularly if your preferred method of transportation was a luxurious private jet.

We call it “low-hanging fruit” in the business, a political jab that delivers in sheer, emotive symbolism what it might lack in relevance.

Except in this case we’re totally on board with it, and didn’t mind a bit when U.S. Reps. Gary Ackerman (D-NY) and Brad Sherman (D-CA) uncorked the blow on Alan Mulally of Ford, Robert Nardelli of Chrysler and Richard Wagoner of GM, a.k.a. the “Big Three” of the struggling United States automotive sector.

From CNN, here’s Ackerman’s whack:

“There is a delicious irony in seeing private luxury jets flying into Washington, D.C., and people coming off of them with tin cups in their hand, saying that they’re going to be trimming down and streamlining their businesses,” Rep. Gary Ackerman, D-New York, told the chief executive officers of Ford, Chrysler and General Motors at a hearing of the House Financial Services Committee.

“It’s almost like seeing a guy show up at the soup kitchen in high hat and tuxedo. It kind of makes you a little bit suspicious.”

He added, “couldn’t you all have downgraded to first class or jet-pooled or something to get here? It would have at least sent a message that you do get it.”

And Sherman’s …

At Wednesday’s hearing, Rep. Brad Sherman, D-California, pressed the private-jet issue, asking the three CEOs to “raise their hand if they flew here commercial.”

“Let the record show, no hands went up,” Sherman said. “Second, I’m going to ask you to raise your hand if you are planning to sell your jet in place now and fly back commercial. Let the record show, no hands went up.”

The executives did not specifically respond to those remarks. In their testimony, they said they are streamlining business operations in general.

When contacted by CNN, the three auto companies defended the CEOs’ travel as standard procedure.

Like many other major corporations, all three have policies requiring their CEOs to travel in private jets for safety reasons.

While Democrats popped the “Big Three” on their extraordinarily poor circumstantial discernment in choosing travel arrangements, Republicans were busy peddling more of the “we’ve got to do something” crap that got all this Bailout Mania rolling in the first place. You know, before we’d pumped $2.3 trillion into various bailouts in order to avoid an “economic Pearl Harbor …” only to be sitting here six weeks later encountering guess what … an economic Pearl Harbor.

Anyway, here’s more of the same from the DC RINO caucus after Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid was forced to cancel a vote on the $25 billion bailout due to … um … not having the votes:

“If GM is telling us the truth, they go into bankruptcy and you see a cascade like you have never seen,” said Sen. George V. Voinovich, R-Ohio. “If people want to go home and not do anything, I think that they’re going to have that on their hands.”

Say what?

The fact is that the American auto industry has gotten its ass kicked by the rest of the world, and the ass-kicking is particularly pronounced now that people have to start making tough choices based on quality and efficiency as opposed to patriotism.

We’ve failed to adapt our products as well as our workforce, while taxpayers have been forced to subsidize the corrupt unions’ trust funds and acquiese to labor’s demands or face costly work shortages.

As we said before the initial bailout boondoggle, the best way to deal with failing firms is bankruptcy, which at least includes some competitive valuation and sale of assets.

Come to think of it, as painful as it may be at times, bankruptcy is ever bit as American as an initial public offering or Wal-Mart stock, which we understand is doing pretty well at the moment.

Again, that was $2.3 trillion dollars ago … but you get the point.

America won’t become great again by abandoning American ideals for the sake of political expediency (or in the case of the states bailout, bureaucratic reinforcement) … it will become great again by returning to the free market principles our country was founded on.

Sadly, that doesn’t appear to be the solution that the Obama collectivization … err, administration envisions.

Earlier this month, the Conservation Voters of South Carolina (CVSC) put out a press release touting the organization’s gains in the S.C. Legislature, only to scurry for cover literally days later as lawmakers drew a fresh bead on its top priority funding item, the State Conservation Bank.

So much for the illusion of clout …

Worse still, there is mounting evidence that CVSC Executive Director Ann Timberlake is in serious trouble - not only with a growing group of lawmakers who obviously don’t hold her organization in as much esteem as she thinks they do - but possibly with the law itself.

The fact that Timberlake is illegally serving in a lobbying capacity for the CVSC is not really in question … well, except in those State House circles where semantic obfuscation is the language of choice.

“She has directly engaged me and several of my colleagues in lobbying on multiple occasions,” said one lawmaker who spoke with FITS on condition of anonymity. “And if it comes to that, we have the paperwork to prove it.”

Of course, given how lobbying laws go routinely unenforced in South Carolina, the fact that Timberlake is said to be in perpetual violation of them probably won’t result in any action being taken against her.

Nor does it appear that the CVSC will be punished for sending hackneyed political attack mail to voters using its non-profit postage permit, a big postal service and IRS “no-no” that should have cost the organization its discounted postal rate and possibly its tax-exempt status as well.

Must be nice residing on the PC side of life …

Yet those issues aren’t the real cause for concern as it relates to Timberlake.

That’s because last time we checked, there were much tougher laws (and legitimate law enforcers) in place when the allegations being tossed around involve the bribing of elected officials, which Timberlake has also been accused of doing in the past.

In fact, sources told FITS yesterday that representatives of the State Law Enforcement Division (SLED) have been provided details of Timberlake’s alleged offering - and awarding - of the CVSC endorsement to former S.C. Sen. Catherine Ceips in an effort to gain her support for a piece of legislation that the group was pushing.

Ceips - who was defeated this summer by longtime Conservation Bank advocate and former Sanford Chief-of-Staff Tom Davis - scored an abysmal 17% on the CVSC’s 2005-06 voter scorecard, the last session for which she received a complete ranking.

According to previously-published reports, Ceips was allegedly offered the CVSC’s endorsement (as well as its “Most Improved Lawmaker” award) in the weeks leading up to her election in exchange for a pledge of support on a key piece of environmental legislation.

No fewer than three people witnessed the alleged exchange between Timberlake and Ceips, and we’ve been told that their names have been provided to SLED.

The CVSC did endorse Ceips, although her defeat negates the other side of the alleged quid pro quo.

Whether or not anything substantive comes out of the investigation, Timberlake’s methods have clearly crossed the line - and rubbed more than a few people the wrong way.

Several new groups - including the industry-sponsored S.C. Citizens for Sound Conservation - have popped up in recent months, and these organizations appear to be taking the fight directly to the environmental lobby.

Such fairly-obvious front groups should be easy prey for a respected environmental organization, but Timberlake doesn’t appear to be in an effective position to capitalize on what should be a slam dunk PR win for the greenies.

Plus, she’s alienated several lawmakers and opinion leaders who would typically represent a natural constituency for the issues that are important to her organization.

Damn we said that pretty well, didn’t we?

Anyway, you can put us in that column as well because the honest-to-God truth is that we agree with Timberlake more often than we disagree with her.

Believe us, cutting Conservation Bank funding in any year is a mistake, particularly given how much money other states are investing in their natural resources.

And Timberlake is correct in pointing out that we need a sustained commitment, not just a budget line when times are good.

This mistake has the potential to become even more pronounced (and business detrimental) in a state like South Carolina, where we depend on our unique look and feel to promote a thriving tourism industry.

Hopefully the CVSC will wise up and put someone in charge of its political operations that has the respect - and the clout - to get things done for such a vital component of our state’s continued economic well-being.

One of the most calculating politicians in the South Carolina legislature is positioning himself for a run at the Speaker’s Chair in 2010, sources tell FITS.

State Rep. Harry Cato - who decided against challenging embattled House Speaker Bobby Harrell this year - is reportedly telling his colleagues that Harrell has “lost control” and that he will run against the Speaker next session if the disintegration of the GOP caucus continues.

As Palmetto politicos know, Cato is uniquely equipped to make such a threat given the backdoor deal he cut with the Legislative Black Caucus in 2007 over the appointment of African-American Supreme Court Justice Donald Beatty.

Harrell - who was elected Speaker three years due in large part to his monolithic Democratic support - is as good as finished if Cato can break his Democratic stranglehold and peel off a handful of Republicans to back his candidacy.

That might be not be as difficult as it sounds given the current fractured state of the House Republican Caucus, and the fact that Harrell has alienated multiple factions of his internal constituency in an effort to suppress a conservative uprising on his right.

“The House GOP caucus is in tatters,” one of Cato’s State House supporters told FITS today on condition of anonymity. “Bobby Harrell has lost control, which strengthens Harry’s hand.”

Whether that’s a good thing or not is certainly up for debate, as Cato has built his nucleus of State House support the same way Bobby has - by drifting to the left.

Ostensibly an “Upstate conservative,” Cato technically doesn’t even live in his district anymore, maintaining an address there solely to keep up appearances.

He’s literally in bed with the trial lawyers, too, and his record as chairman of the powerful House Labor, Commerce and Industry committee can hardly be termed conservative.

Other sources tell FITS that Cato is contemplating a statewide candidacy, and will leave the House in two years … which we find difficult to believe.

Either way, expect Cato to continue playing the insider game much better than Bobby, who has shown his political immaturity at almost every turn since ascending to the most powerful elected office in the state.

Since we pull for an NFL football team that’s actually won the Super Bowl, we’ve always viewed the rivalry that exists between fans of the Atlanta Falcons and Carolina Panthers as beneath us.

Let them wear their “NFC Championship Game” schwag … we’ll wear our official Super Bowl XLI gear.

Of course, we were introduced to the full ferocity of the Falcons-Panthers hatred last weekend at Bank of America Stadium courtesy of “Panther Grrrl,” who celebrated news of Atlanta’s Week 11 defeat at the hands of the Denver Broncos with a few well-chosen Spanish oaths.

Obviously the oaths weren’t in Spanish (that’s just an expression, people) … but they were spoken in front of several small children, which let’s be honest … only turned us on even more.

“Panther Grrrl” - whose picture doesn’t do her justice - is a long, tall drink of Southern water from whereabouts unknown.

What is known, however, is that she’s got a body that quite frankly puts the entire Panthers cheerleading unit to shame.

No kidding, people. This lady is built like a brick barnyard.

With her thick, husky Southern accent and proclivity for dropping the F-bomb with impunity, “Panther Grrrl” was a slice of pure redneck heaven with her tight jeans, low-cut white shirt, frameless sunglasses and big jangly earrings.

We’re not gonna lie - she had entire rows of Panther fans moving from “six to midnight” every time she let loose a holler from her full, pink overglossed lips.

We’re not fans of the Panthers, rednecks or country music, mind you, but damn if “Panther Grrrl” didn’t get us into the game in a big way.

Find out who this chick is, Panther execs … she’s pure, anti-PC marketing gold.

The moderately attractive hooker who brought down the governor of New York insists she’s a “normal” girl, with “a lot of depth” and “a lot of layers.”

Ashley Alexandra Dupre opens up in the latest edition of People Magazine, saying that her newfound fame “has been really hard” but that she’s a “survivor.”

It’s been less than a year since Dupre burst onto the national scene as “Kristen,” the Emperors Club VIP escort who got caught having sex with New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer for money.

Spitzer was forced to resign, and Dupre has been awarded insta-celebrity status … not a bad gig for an aspiring entertainer.

As for her previous occupation of letting men stick their penises into her vagina, Dupre says she’s all done with that, but has no regrets …

“This wasn’t any different than going on a date with someone you barely knew and hooking up with them,” she said of her life as a prostitute. “The only difference is I can pay my rent.”

For the rest of Dupre’s exclusive People interview, click here … for more of what you’re probably really looking for (i.e. boobs, butt and a little camel toe), click any of the images below, courtesy our friends at the NY Daily News.