It would never occur to us to set references from a report prepared the National Transportation Safety Board to the Beverly Hillbillies, but then again we’ve never been accused of being excessively original around here.

We do, however, want desperately to sell some more of our “Andre Bauer Is My Co-Pilot” T-shirts …

Anyway, from a longtime reader/ commenter … enjoy …

“The Ballad of Andre ‘Crash & Burn’ Bauer”

(Sung to the tune of The “Beverly Hillbillies” theme song.)

Come and listen to a story about a boy named Bauer
Landed his plane in a field without a tower,
Didn’t bother to read the book and off he took
And landed in the wires and he caught on fire.

Crashed that is. Runway too short. Pilot error.

Then he told a judge the carburetor was to blame
Th’ investigator said, “Bauer, that’s real lame!
“Takin’ off or not’s your responsibility
“You’re completely at fault in the N.T.S.B.”

Report, that is. Didn’t abort the take-off in time.

It’s “Crash and Burn” Bauer!

Well now its time to say goodbye to Bauer’s ambi-tion
Though he would like to think you folks can all be fooled again.
You’re all invited t’cast your vote in next year’s primar-y
To give Bauer a heapin’ helpin’ of stark reality.

Obscurity that is. Not even a footnote in the history books.

Y’all don’t fly with Bauer now, y’hear?

Damn … pretty good …

WEB EXTRAS

NTSB Report
NTSB Accident Brief

Hat-tip: WTC

The Port of Charleston’s largest customer will be keeping at least some of its business in South Carolina for the next five years according to a renegotiated deal announced Thursday by the company and the S.C. State Ports Authority (SPA).

The new deal “places Maersk Line’s cost structure in Charleston on a level playing field with other ocean carriers who use the port,” according to a statement released by the Danish shipping company.

“We have worked closely with the leadership of the South Carolina State Ports Authority since we initially voiced our concern about cost competitiveness for Maersk Line within the Port of Charleston,” said Gordon Dorsey, Senior Vice President of Operations for Maersk Line in North America.  “We are pleased to have reached an agreeable solution for both Maersk Line and the Port of Charleston.”

SPA President Jim Newsome will formally announce the news in a speech Thursday night on the “State of the Port.”

Unknown at this point is whether or not Maersk’s traffic to the port – which has dropped by as much as 50% this year – will see an uptick as a result of the new agreement.

Obviously, something’s better than nothing – particularly seeing as Maersk had announced back in December that it was pulling out of Charleston completely after failing to reach an agreement with the SPA and the International Longshoremen’s Association.

In its heyday, Maersk represented as much as a quarter of the Port of Charleston’s traffic.

The new deal is a result of “hard work, new leadership and a full understanding of shipping line needs,” a source familiar with the new deal told FITS.

Maersk’s press released praised State Senators Larry Grooms, Glenn McConnell and Hugh Leatherman for their role in the negotiations.

WEB EXTRA

Maersk Press Release

U.S. Rep. Gresham Barrett has $330,000 just waiting to be thrown into his 2010 gubernatorial bid – assuming he can convince donors who have supported him financially for his various U.S. Congressional campaigns to get behind his bid for the Governor’s Mansion.

In most cases, that’s not a huge problem, but in a GOP primary race that features two other establishment candidates – the process seems to be tripping up Barrett’s fundraising team.

During the most recent fundraising quarter, for example, Barrett was able to transfer $140,000 from his Congressional account to his gubernatorial campaign, but sources tell FITS that he’s now running into considerable resistance in his effort to transfer funds.

Why?  Well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

Barrett undoubtedly has several Congressional donors who are financially supporting the gubernatorial aspirations of S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster, Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, S.C. Rep. Nikki Haley or State Senator Larry Grooms.  Those donors aren’t likely to consent to Barrett’s transfer requests – and he can’t move the money without their expressed, written permission.

“Look at the fundraising leaders for the other two candidates,” a consultant on a rival campaign told FITS.  “A lot of them are Barrett Congressional donors.”

Nonetheless, Barrett currently leads the Republican money race with $1.3 million on hand.  McMaster has $1 million on hand, while Bauer has $825,000.

You’ve got to hand it to them … FITS readers are quite the bunch of comedians.

In fact, they’re usually much funnier than we are, which is no small feat.

For example, in a story Monday about S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster and his brain-dead refusal to return campaign contributions from lawyers his agency hired to represent the state, we noted that McMaster is “dumb as a box of rocks … which when you stop and think about it is an insult to boxes of rocks everywhere.”

Pretty good, huh?

Almost worthy of its own “ba doom ching,” right?

Well, one of our readers quickly “one-upped” us, responding that “you could put Henry’s brain deep inside a gnat’s fanny, and it’d still rattle.”

Yowzas!  Now THAT’s cooking with gas, people!

Anyway, it seems that gauging the limited intellectual capacity of our Attorney General (and supposed gubernatorial front-runner) brings out the best in everyone’s creativity, which is why FITS is proud to announce a new competition.

We’re calling it “Henry McMaster is so dumb that …”

Yeah …

Your job?  That’s easy … finish the sentence with your funniest analogy.

The winner will receive a new T-Shirt from the FITS Store …

Despite conflicting data from other polls, mixed reviews from critics and a “ho-hum” reaction from our all-knowing founding editor, S.C. Rep. Nikki Haley declared herself the victor of Tuesday night’s SCGOP gubernatorial debate – the first debate of the 2010 election season.

Citing the “final results” taken from a poll of WIS viewers who were watching the debate online, Haley proclaimed her victory in an email sent to supporters Wednesday night.

“Nearly half of those watching the debate thought our message of getting government back to work for the people, protecting taxpayers, creating a healthy, competitive business climate through tax reform, and bringing transparency to government is exactly what this state needs,” Haley said. “In fact, the debate went so well our support was almost twice that of our closest competitor.”

Um, that’s a poll of online debate watchers, Nikki.  Big difference.  While a ton of people are now getting their print news online, television still trumps the Internet when it comes to watching debates.

Anyway, the poll results Haley cites were posted Tuesday evening on the WIS TV Facebook page shortly after the debate concluded in Newberry, S.C.  In that tally, 44% of online viewers thought Haley won, compared to 23% for S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster, 13% for S.C. Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, 11% for S.C. Sen. Larry Grooms and 9% for U.S. Rep. Gresham Barrett.

Of course, a WIS TV 10 poll posted Wednesday had Haley finishing second in the debate.  As of this writing, 54% of respondents to that poll thought that Bauer won the debate, compared to 21% for Haley, 14% for McMaster, 7% for Barrett and 4% for Grooms.

A FITS poll posted Wednesday tells yet another story. According to that survey, 31% of respondents thought McMaster won the debate, compared to 25% for Bauer, 15% for Haley and 14% apiece for Grooms and Barrett.

The self-professed “best friend” of S.C. House Ways & Means Chairman Danny Cooper was found not guilty of “soliciting an immoral act” on Friday in Anderson County, a verdict that shouldn’t surprise anyone considering the venue (and the defendant’s connections).

Seriously, people … you will not find a more incompetent, more corrupt local government anywhere in South Carolina, which is obviously saying something.

FITS readers will recall that former Anderson County Superintendent District 4 Superintendent Gary Burgess – who had previously resigned from his post after he was accused of intimidating a school nurse – was arrested earlier this year for allegedly soliciting oral sex from a male undercover cop at a public park.

According to the report filed by the undercover cop, Burgess rubbed his leg provocatively and exposed himself before asking the officer whether he was “disease-free” and “good at oral.” Burgess is then said to have invited the officer to join him in his van for sex, provided the former Superintendent was allowed to be “on top.”

Burgess’ lawyer,  State Rep. Fletcher Smith, said none of that was illegal … and that all the odd behavior his client exhibited at the park (which is known for hosting homosexual activity among the Anderson “elite”) had a perfectly rational explanation.

At one point, he even said “is it illegal for two men to have a conversation about sexual activity?”

From the Tin Foil Hat Times (a.k.a. Anderson Independent-Mail):

During the trial, Burgess said he was in the park to eat a Happy Meal for lunch. He said he frequently came to the park to relax or to write his book. Burgess said he rubbed his leg because of a dermatological condition, not as a sexual come-on.

Amazingly, the jury bought it. And with this verdict in hand, Smith immediately leaped to the wrong conclusion.

“This verdict tells the world that Anderson is ready for the big leagues,” Smith told the Independent-Mail. “This verdict will let the international business community know that the city of Anderson is ready to operate in the 21st century.”

Ummm … okay …

The S.C. Department of Agriculture spent $50,000 earlier this year on, among other things, a press conference with a walking tomato – just one of God knows how many wasteful disbursements of taxpayer dollars the agency has made on behalf of its ridiculous “Palmettovore” campaign.

All told, the department has shelled out $2.5 million over the last two years to Chernoff Newman, the left-leaning PR agency responsible for “Palmettovore” and dozens of other taxpayer-funded boondoggles – including the promotion of our state’s, um, “hydrogen economy of the future.”

The goal of this ridiculous “program” – which we lampooned back in May – is to get South Carolinians to buy “homegrown” foods, which is all well and good, we suppose.

Well, it would be “all well and good” if the South Carolina farmers who ostensibly benefited from this nonsense were actually picking up the promotional tab. Unfortunately, the Agriculture Deparment has decided that taxpayers who don’t directly (or even indirectly) benefit from such expenses should help shoulder the burden.

In other words, they’re picking winners and losers in the marketplace with your money – with the biggest winner being Chernoff Newman.

Also, word is that S.C. Agriculture Commissioner Hugh Weathers is none too pleased with the scrutiny his little program is receiving, and is attempting to throw his weight around by “sending messages” to those who have played a role in exposing the Palmettovore boondoggle.

You know, we hate to break it to Weathers, but being S.C. Agriculture Commissioner doesn’t really give him that much weight to throw around.

Seriously, there are legislative pages working for first-term lawmakers that have more clout than he does.

Anyway, for more information on all this Palmettovore nonsense, check out this report from the S.C. Policy Council.

With the public tide continuing to turn against him and the state’s political establishment demanding his resignation, embattled S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford will not step aside – or take a temporary leave of absence.

“The governor has no plans to step aside, temporarily or otherwise,” Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer told FITS. “He remains committed and determined to repair the damage he has done in his marriage and to building back the trust of the people of South Carolina.”

Sources told FITS this morning that Sanford was contemplating taking a 60-day leave of absence, as is his constitutional prerogative. Ultimately, however, the governor did not appear to have the legislative support necessary to regain power, once relinquished.

As for his immediate plans, Sawyer said the governor will be leaving Columbia tomorrow morning to spend the Fourth of July with his family in Florida.

“He will be spending the long Fourth of July holiday weekend with his family, leaving for Florida tomorrow morning,” Sawyer added. “The Sanford family asks members of the media to respect their privacy while they are together this weekend. The Sanfords also hope to take a longer family vacation toward the end of July.”

Sanford has been under intense pressure to step down – even from friends – in the wake of his affair with an Argentine woman, Maria Belen Chapur.

Sanford initially appeared to have survived the scandal, but a disastrous Associated Press interview in which he called his lover his “soul mate” and said he was “trying to fall back in love” with his wife turned the tide of public opinion against him.

The governor also contradicted his previous statements about how many times he had visited with his lover, and professed to having “crossed lines” with other women.

“I’m sick of watching this stuff,” our founding editor’s wife said last night as the seemingly interminable saga surrounding S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford once again led the nightly newscasts.

“When are we going to be done with this?” she asked.

“But stuff keeps happening to keep it going” Sic Willie replied.

“No, stuff keeps happening because you keep inventing reasons to keep it going,” she said.

Touche … of course truth be told it’s not just “still going” here in South Carolina. The Energizer Bunnyness of the Sanford sex scandal is nationwide. Take today’s article by LA Times columnist (and new FITS fave) Meghan Daum, for example.

From her piece entitled, “Do men see Mark Sanford in the mirror?” …

I’m tempted to assume that the staying power of the Sanford story is simply a function of its prurience. Sex scandals, after all, are much better for ratings than serious — read “boring” — events. It’s also true that Sanford’s lies take this saga beyond the realm of mere sexual impropriety and make it a genuine matter of political concern. (Nevada Sen. John Ensign, who confessed to an affair last week, has endured considerably less news coverage, perhaps because he at least had the good sense to keep his cellphone on during his dalliances.)

So what’s left to say about the Sanford saga? Call me crazy, but amid all this finger-wagging, am I detecting just a little bit of — gasp — empathy? Is there something about Sanford’s puppyish comportment, not to mention the fact that, unlike many adulterous politicos, he seems to be truly in love with his mistress (or at least truly convinced that he is) that’s making him less a pariah and more a symbol of the male midlife crisis? For all his duplicity and entitlement, are some Americans — particularly men — feeling as much pity as outrage? Consider this small sample:

“This is a story of loneliness,” New York Times columnist David Brooks said on “Meet The Press” Sunday. “[These guys] get to middle age, and they realize there’s some emotional vacuum in their lives.”

It “was about something much deeper than politics,” wrote Gary Kamiya in Salon. “It was awful, but it was real. And painful as it is, in the repressed American sexual landscape, reality is better than artifice.”

And then there was my dad, who told me the day of the Sanford news conference something to the effect that “you have no idea how easy it is for men to completely lose their minds because of infatuation with women.”

No one’s excusing Sanford’s behavior. But as we slog through another week of the Jackson postmortem-paloooza and wonder at the fact that we’re also still hearing about the South Carolina governor’s love for certain tan lines, maybe it’s worth asking ourselves why. Is it because we’re uncategorically appalled? Or is it because maybe, just maybe, there’s a tiny bit of Mark Sanford in, if not all men, quite a few of them? And that’s more than you can say of Michael Jackson.

You’ve got to read the whole column, people, because it really is that good.

We’re also wondering if Sanford already has Daum in the rolodex for his next “media therapy” session.

A Western Lowlands Gorilla escaped its captors this morning at Riverbanks Zoo in Columbia, S.C., injuring a food service employee and forcing a lock down of the popular regional tourist attraction.

Some local TV stations are reporting that the animal ran wild for nearly an hour, although Zoo sources tell FITS those reports are exaggerated.

“There was only an animal outside of its containment for five minutes,” Riverbanks spokeswoman Lindsey Burke told FITS. “The duration from the beginning of the incident until the all clear was sounded was forty-five minutes.”

Burke confirmed that a food services employee had been injured in the breakout, but could not provide an update on the status of the employee’s injuries.

According to Riverbanks’ website, the zoo currently has three gorillas (Chaka, Mike and Kimya). The all-male group was transferred to South Carolina from Philadelphia Zoo five years ago.

Western Lowlands gorillas stand approximately five feet high and can weigh as much as 450 pounds. They are generally regarded as peaceful.

Burke confirmed that “Mike” was the gorilla who escaped containment.

Riverbanks is holding a media briefing this morning on the incident, and a formal press conference this afternoon at 3:00 p.m.

WEB EXTRA

Riverbanks Gorillas