S.C. Sen. Jake Knotts has given Gov. Mark Sanford permission to take a fifteen-minute bathroom break upon his return to Columbia later this evening.

In dropping the hall pass off at the governor’s office earlier this afternoon, Knotts said he was “concerned” for the governor’s bladder.

In related news, S.C. Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer put out a press release demanding that he be notified when Sanford decided to take his restroom break.

Developing …

Artwork: Andrew Davis

Check it out! We’ve found a license plate that’s perfect for S.C. Republican activist Rusty DePass – what with his love of black people and New Yorkers …

Honestly, this post should probably go on the website of our satirist friends over at The Discust, but like everything else in Palmetto politics … we got there first.

Pic: Moon Buggy.org

U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama today fired back at the South Carolina Republican activist who referred to her as being descended from apes.

“It’s sad that there are those who still harbor such hate in their hearts, but I forgive him,” Mrs. Obama said.

Saying that forgiveness was “part of the change my husband and I believe in,” the First Lady quickly changed her tune, though, and went after Rusty DePass, the S.C. Republican activist whose unfortunate comment last Friday has once again put our state in the national spotlight … and not in a good way.

“It’s not his fault he lives in the most ass-backwards state in America,” Mrs. Obama said of DePass.

“Wowzers,” Sic Willie replied. “Wowzers, Michelle.”

“My husband and I went to Harvard,” Obama continued. “I bet most of the mouth breathers in this state can’t even spell Harvard.”

Of course … we’re obviously kidding.

The real Michelle Obama never said any of that.

(We repeat – the real Michelle Obama never said any of that).

A cartoon version of the First Lady did, though … in a taped appearance on the wildly-popular computer-generated South Carolina talk show, FITS Makes News.

Becoming the first guest to put the inappropriately-mouthy, computer-generated Sic Willie in his place, Mrs. Obama received wild applause from the audience as well as a rare, roof-raising serving of Dum Spiro Spero (South Carolina’s motto – “While I breathe, I hope”) from our founding editor.

It’s the FMN interview you literally cannot afford to miss …

Editor’s Note: Watch it again (and create your own movies) in high resolution over on XtraNormal.

To thunderous applause and uncontrollable laughter, we debuted our new “FITS Makes News” series the other day via an exclusive “interview” with State Rep. Nikki Haley.

And while we got no feedback from the good Representative about our little movie, we assume that she thought it was funny.

Anyway, our original plan was to do one of these “interviews” each week (they take a little time to “direct”), but yesterday’s controversial decision by U.S. District Court Judge Joseph Anderson regarding South Carolina’s three “stimulus” lawsuits prompted us to bump up our schedule a bit.

Accordingly, here is Sic Willie’s riotously funny interview with the Judge …

PREVIOUS VIDEOS

“FITS Makes News” – Nikki Haley

You’ve heard us refer to the “education establishment” in South Carolina before, but what exactly is it?

Obviously, we all know about the State’s Ministry of Failure and Non-Competition, which employs an army of educrats to “administer” what is hands down the nation’s worst system of public education.

South Carolinians shell out over $11,000 per child – more than double what we spent a decade ago – and yet less than half of that makes its way through the bureaucratic/ consulting maze.

We also know about the “Education Oversight Commission,” which has basically devolved from its intended purpose into yet another worthless, status quo bureaucracy – an increasingly incompetent, inefficient and corrupt entity that basically spends millions of dollars a year giving us a rosier picture of what “generational neglect” looks like.

But these bureaucracies aren’t the extent of the S.C. taxpayer’s investment in failure – nor are they the extend of the “establishment” that’s fighting to keep the 73,000 South Carolina school children (most of them black and poor) stuck in failing schools.

This morning, our friends over at The Voice have a must-read post introducing you to the so-called “non-governmental” wing of the educrats’ Alphabet Soup Mafia, except that in many cases your tax dollars are funding their lobbying and propaganda operations, too.

These educrat associations – which typically represent school board members and local administrators – are the root of this state’s chronic academic woes.

They are the ones blowing thousands on travel and other non-essential expenses – while in the same breath threatening to fire or furlough teachers.

They are the ones spreading misinformation about parental choice.

They are the ones using taxpayer resources to wrongfully attack politicians for legal, properly-disclosed contributions.

They are the ones sitting on hundreds of millions of dollars in reserve funds while they complain about inadequate funding.

Most importantly, though, they are also the ones who are responsible for – and who insist on preserving – our state’s woefully-outdated “top down” approach to educating our children.

Which means they are the ones responsible for our current failure as a state – not the General Assembly, not the State Constitution, not the constant cry of underfunding, not “poverty,” not “racism,” not Howie Rich, not us here at FITS … and certainly not our teachers.

Check out the story … it’s an eye-opener.

And while the Voice report may be “propaganda” itself, at least it’s aimed at fixing the problem (as opposed to exacerbating it).

And at least they’re not asking you to pay for it.

We didn’t want to bring this up before, people, but we’ve run into a bit of a problem here at FITS.

You see, when it became clear last September that former President George W. Bush was going to kiss capitalism goodbye and embrace the impending Obamovich Revolution, our founding editor decided to take his eleventy kabillion dollar fortune out of the stock market and put it into the Central Bank of Nigeria.

Obviously saving his assets from the Dow Jones collapse pleased Sic Willie immensely – until it dawned on him that he didn’t live in Nigeria.

Now, we need your help in bringing Sic’s vast Nigerian assets back to America.

We currently have USD $4,000,000 available to every man, woman and child in the United States who can assist us in transferring these funds.

We are telling you this in the strictest of confidence because we know you are trustworthy.

All you have do is contact King Jaffe Joffar, Semmi, Prince Akeem, Colonel Izzi and Oha with your account information and they will ensure that the funds are promptly deposited into your bank account.

Thank you in advance for your consideration of this request, and for more detailed information, please click here.

Oh, and click here to see how close those clowns at Citibank came to falling for a scam not unlike this one.

Some redneck town in the South Carolina backwoods is apparently pretty pissed off at us these days.

In fact, things have gotten to the point that the local Freewill Baptist Church took a break from handling snakes and speaking in tongues to publicly vent a little frustration in our direction.

And amazingly, the church isn’t even located in Anderson County.

First of all, we don’t even know where Ninety Six, S.C. is …or why anybody would name a town after a number … or whether it should be hyphenated or not.

We went with “not.”

Second, it’s doubtful anyone within a country mile of Ninety Six is computer-literate … or plain literate, for that matter.

Third, it’s not “The Lucifer.” No one can be a tool of “The Lucifer.” It’s just Lucifer, and yes, “pleased to meet you,” too.

Finally, c’mon preacher. Your daughter swore up and down that she was legal before we shot the video.

Can you really blame Sic Willie for taking that on faith?

Editor’s Note: We’re kidding about all of this, obviously. There is no First Freewill Baptist Church in Ninety Six, S.C., and we made up every word of that sign (and this story). Of course, now that your chain has been yanked, you can go to www.churchsigngenerator.com and create your own funny church sign. E-mail them to us and we’ll post the best submissions!

Just in time for Christmas, House Speaker Bobby Harrell and his “Fluffer Revue” have spared no expense in bringing the State of South Carolina a musical treat we’re sure it won’t soon forget.

Along with House Majority Leader Kenny Bingham and Reps. Jimmy Merrill, Annette Young and Bill Sandifer, Harrell’s “Elf Disco” is sure to thrill and amaze audiences young and old alike.

So enjoy!

And to create your own treat, go to ElfYourself.com.

You’d think that being married to actress Tea Leoni would be sufficient to cure any man’s addiction to sex, but apparently not David Duchovny, who announced yesterday that he was checking into sex rehab.

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction,” the actor told People yesterday. “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Respect and privacy? Geez, we’ve never heard a statement from a celebrity asking for those two things before. At some point these attention-whore celebrities should seriously recognize that begging for people to look at them and then bitching when they do is a little hypocritical, particularly when the subject in question is as ludicrously inviting as “sex rehab,” which as far as we can tell is a direct plea for people to make fun of you.

MORE SARAH PALIN – Props to USA Today for the most self-evident headline in history …

Experts: Palin chosen for women’s votes

Hold up … who are these experts? For we must follow the star and sit at their feet immediately.

JINDAL JOURNAL – We were going to write about this earlier (and more extensively), but damn if Sarah Palin’s legs (oh, and her VP selection) didn’t distract us. Anyway, Bobby Jindal, the governor of Louisiana (and another formerly potentially transformative veep prospect) was also in the news today, touting how his state has used the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina to strengthen its fiscal well-being.

Obviously, we’re big fans of Bayou Bobby, who has done a remarkable job turning Louisiana around. In this case, however, we would recommend that he be careful what he wishes for. With another dangerous hurricane headed straight for New Orleans, his state may be facing another not-so-pleasant impetus for an otherwise welcome fiscal conservative revival.

EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF GOVERNOR, SENATOR EN ROUTE TO SKI MECCA

FITSNews – August 19, 2008 – We know La Socialista (a.k.a. The State newspaper) has to sell papers, but it’s now officially the only news outlet in the world which thinks S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford still has a shot at being Vice President.

From today’s edition:

Sanford had been discounted as a candidate by some after an CNN appearance on McCain’s behalf in July in which Sanford struggled to answer some routine questions posed to surrogates of the presidential candidates. Sanford also withheld his endorsement during the S.C. Republican Primary, a decision some say works against Sanford.

But those who think McCain needs a younger vice president who will play well to the Republican Party’s conservative base argue Sanford fits the bill.

“Discounted as a candidate by some?” Are you kidding us? So much for that whole “truth to power” thing the paper’s parent company, McClatchy, supposedly insists on.

You can watch Sanford’s fateful CNN appearance by clicking here. And needless to say, the whole “discounted as a candidate by some” thing is obviously La Socialista being very, very nice to its hometown governor. We wouldn’t let Sanford rake our yard for five bucks after watching that clip, let alone help run the country.

More importantly, we do hope you enjoy the footage we shot of McCain and Sanford (above ) en route to Aspen last week. Sanford may indeed be out of it, but it looks like the pair does have quite a rapport going!