Another Illegal Alien? March 26, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, SC Politics, Satire , 5 comments
NOW WE’VE GOT A SCANDAL PEOPLE!
FITSNews - March 26, 2008 - We knew that our founding editor Sic Willie used to work with South Carolina’s resident dirty prankster, Rod Shealy, but we had no idea that the two of them were working together on State Senator Catherine Ceips‘ campaign, which kicked off its reelection bid in Beaufort, S.C. over the weekend by planting an illegal immigrant at the home of former Sanford Chief of Staff Tom Davis.
Now, according to a photo obtained exclusively by FITSNews, we may have yet another Rod Shealy “dirty trick” on our hands. In fact, the individual in the Andre Is My Co-Pilot T-shirt (pictured above) was spotted painting Davis’ home earlier today by Ceips’ Chief of Staff Randy Bates - who once again just happened to be in the neighborhood carrying a camera and accompanied by a translator.
After inviting Bates into Davis’ house, this immigrant posed for pictures, identified himself as “Señor Sic Willie” and admitted that he was in the country illegally.
“Green Card? I don’t need no stinking Greed Card!” the immigrant alleged to be Señor Sic Willie told Ceips’ Chief of Staff. “Are you threatening me? I am the Great Bungholio! I need TP! TP for my bunghole!”
Shoop-Ba-Doop March 8, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics, Satire , 1 comment so farSALT-N-PEPA DOES IT AGAIN, ENDORSES SHOOPMAN FOR SENATE
FITSNews - March 8, 2008 - Saying he was “packed and stacked, especially in the back,” Salt-N-Pepa officially endorsed the State Senate bid of S.C. Rep. Phillip Shoopman today, adding that the second-term Upstate fiscal conservative should “prolly thank (his) mother for a butt like that.”
From the press release:
Shoop shoop a-doobie like scoobie doobie doo
I love you in your big jeans, you give me nice dreams
You make me wanna scream, oooo, oooo, oooo!
I like what ya do when you do what ya do
You make me wanna shoop
Salt-N-Pepa also endorsed Shoopman in his 2006 race for the State House, which is the only other time the duo has gotten involved in South Carolina politics. In accepting the rare nod from Cheryl James (a.k.a. Salt) and Sandy Denton (a.k.a. Pepa), Shoopman told FITSNews, “S and the p wanna kick with me, cool.”
This Sure Looks Official … December 17, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Satire , add a comment
IS SIC WILLIE RUNNING THE STATE’S MOST INFLUENTIAL CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK?
FITSNews - December 17, 2007 - We’re scanning the press release in disbelief, but it sure looks official. Well, “officially fake” anyway, because there’s no way in hell the most respected, influential think tank in South Carolina just named this baboon as its president …
Of course reports are that Sic Willie’s Mohawk has been shaved off, so you never know …
Sic’s Got Kristin Davis Abs December 14, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Pop Culture, Satire , add a comment
AND BETTE DAVIS EYES, TOO
FITSNews - December 14, 2007 - Other than mind-numbing crap about the 2008 presidential elections, the most common questions Sic Willie gets these days revolve around how he can wolf down 20 chicken wings and two large six-topping pizzas a day and still maintain abs that could stop a freight train. Seriously, people, you could iron your blouses on that washboard.
Anyway, as near as we can tell Sic’s secret is lots and lots of kinky sex with fellow South Carolinian (and Sex And The Old People star) Kristin Davis, because how else could she possibly have abs (above) that rival his in terms of their sheer emotive appeal?
Davis is frankly the only Sex girl that still floats our boat, except maybe for that gay guy Stanford Blatch, who is just so awesome on so many levels (each of them cuddly and adorable, people). The other chicks do absolutely nothing for us. In fact, they remind us of retired Navy battleships. Or any one of the dust-covered doilies currently residing in our crawlspace. So needless to say, the fact that one Sex and the City movie we weren’t going to go see has apparently morphed into three Sex and the City movies that we’re not going go to see (yes, it’s true) has forced us to find something capable of salvaging the dignity of this once-proud franchise.
And so we present you with Kristin Davis’ abs … and her secret lover Sic Willie, the secret to their age-defying success.
K-Fed’s New Lawyers? December 8, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, Satire , 4 comments
NORTH CHUCK’S ON THA SCENE JUST IN CASE YA DIDN’T KNOW IT
FITSNews - December 8, 2007 - The FITS gals and Sic Willie were skraight up “rollin’ … in our 5.0” (with the rag-top down so our hair could blow) this morning when we happened upon “Internet gold,” a.k.a. North Charleston’s own Wigger Law Firm.
Yes, that’s the firm’s name. And no, neither that picture above nor the one of Sic laughing his ass off (below) have been Photoshopped in any way.
Seriously, we’re sure these guys are great lawyers and everything, but if this story doesn’t get picked up by popsites like Tyler Durden and The Superficial (with the obligatory Kevin Federline references), we’re gonna be majorly disappointed. Cause it’s dope, to tha lyrical poets, (and) North Chuck’s on da scene just in case ya didn’t know it … plus we almost got killed swerving across eight lanes of traffic in order to bring you these iconic images.
Incidentally, this is probably as good a time as any to break the news that South Carolina’s own gubernatorial spokesman Joel Sawyer actually performed “Ice Ice Baby” as the opening karaoke number at his own wedding reception a couple years back. True story, people. True story. Now stop … collaborate and listen. FITS’ is back wit a brand new invention. If there’s a problem - yo we’ll solve it … now check out the hook while our DJ revolves it.
Boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom-boom - boom-boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom boom.
Chillin’ At Da Compound November 28, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Satire , 2 comments
IT’S GETTING A LITTLE HOT FOR THE BRANCH SIC WILLIANS
FITSNews - November 28, 2007 - Since absolutely nothing is happening today we decided we’d make up a story about a radical, albeit technically non-existent cult called the Branch Sic Willians who built themselves a compound in the middle of rural Anderson County where everybody just sat around and got sarcastically kooky until the Feds came and, um, smoked them all out. Then we figured that making fun of people dying - even if they were all batsh*t crazy - probably isn’t nice. So here’s some real news instead …
GREENPEACE V. NINTENDO - The environmentalists are suing the video game makers over not properly disposing of thier empty cartridges or something. Yeah, we don’t know either. This is interesting to us only because a) absolutely nothing is happening today and b) it’s sort of fun to imagine a bunch of smelly hippies stepping into the ring against a phalanx of short, hyperactive Japanese executives. It also gives us an opportunity to revive our famous Nintendo No GameBoy post.
OJ SAYS HE DIDN’T DO IT … AGAIN - Whatever. “Juice did that sh*t.” In fact, whoever is prosecuting Simpson on these latest charges - which stem from the recent armed robbery of some sports memorabilia dudes in Las Vegas - let’s just say this is the most gift-wrapped case they’re ever going to see. After “not” murdering his ex-wife and another man back in 1994 (and then playing a lot of golf), OJ should’ve known that a simple jaywalk meant he was pretty much screwed. In fact, OJ could have been videotaped dispensing needed food and medicine to third world babies in the middle of Africa surrounded by a million witnesses at the time of this “alleged” robbery and if we were on the jury his ass would still be headed to the gas chamber.
THEY’RE RIOTING IN FRANCE - Seriously? We’re actually writing about this? Did we mention absolutely nothing is happening today? Usually we confine our riot coverage to stories about effeminate-looking Russians hatin’ on gay people (that’s actually our Christmas card this year), but for the moment we forgot that the sort of hot socialist who recently ran for President in France actually lost her race. Which sucks, because as it turns out some white guy branding the rioting as “unacceptable” isn’t remotely interesting. A hot socialist chick branding the rioting as “unacceptable,” on the other hand, is very interesting.
Fortunately, we’ve got a couple of kick ass breaking news stories to post over the next two days that will make all the ADD nonsense you just suffered through worthwhile. That is if they don’t burn down our compound first.
The Run On Bible Thumpers Is On November 13, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics, Satire , add a comment
GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT!
FITSNews - November 13, 2007 - There’s a point in every fantasy baseball draft when somebody breaks the seal on selecting relief pitchers, and all of a sudden the next six picks in a row are all relief pitchers. It usually occurs during the sixth or seventh round, and if you miss the run, there’s a good chance you’ll also miss the fantasy postseason. That phenomenon is not at all unlike the current run on Bible Thumpers we’re witnessing in the 2008 GOP presidential primary.
First it was Mitt Romney getting the nod from the ultra-right wingers at Bob Jones University. Then it was Rudy Giuliani feeling the love from Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson. Today it’s Fred Thompson receiving the endorsement of the National Right to Life Something or Other.
GOP frontrunners looking to shore up their social conservative credentials is all well and good, but this is starting to get ridiculous. For example, we just got a press release from Mike Huckabee’s campaign saying that the Holy Spirit himself would be endorsing the former Arkansas Governor at a press conference tomorrow in Anderson County, S.C.
True story.
