Black Is The New Black May 20, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff , 10 comments
CROTCH ROCKETS, BUTT FLOSS AND NOISES, OH MY!
By Mande Wilkes
FITSNews – May 20, 2008 - There is so much self-luv among blacks that we gotta say, the FITS gals are beginning to feel slightly disenfranchised. Seriously, why can’t we proudly display our butt floss from the back of a brand new Suzuki GSX 1300R?
Anyway, this Friday marks the kickoff of the Atlantic Beach Bike Fest … a proud day for our state which consists of crotch-rockets slicing right-of-ways where there were none, thongs threaded between the brown cheeks of badonkadonks, vehicles bouncing quicker than a babydaddy - all punctuated with the feral “black is beautiful” mantra.
It’s kind of like a 4-day rap video, except with round-the-way-girls instead of Brazilian goddesses.
Though the bikers are spread across the Grand Strand, Atlantic Beach is the official host of the celebration. (Wait … what’s that? Never heard of Atlantic Beach? The rest of the universe refers to it as North Myrtle Beach. Every city has a ghetto. That’s where Atlantic Beach comes in. All three blocks of it). (more…)
Smart For SC 2 May 18, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, SC Politics , 5 comments
UHHHH …
FITSNews - May 18, 2008 - Looks like S.C. Lieutenant Gov. André Bauer won’t have to worry about getting clocked at over 100 mph on the highway anymore … it turns out his new hybrid (pictured above ) tops out at only 90 mph.
Of course the $11,000 gas-electric combo does get a ridiculously fuel-efficient 45 miles per gallon on the highway, so if you’re okay with being totally emasculated, you’ll have a lot of money for things like penis enlargement - or ciggies for your weekly ”metrosexuals anonymous” meeting.
Anyway, we’d love to say we photoshopped Dré Dog’s license plate on that car and then photoshopped a downtown Charleston streetscape behind it. We’d really, really love to say that … but we can’t.
This, ladies and gentleman, is just how South Carolina’s lite gov rolls …
This Looks Fun May 15, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff , 11 comments
LED ZEPPELIN HAS A ROLLER COASTER … IN MYRTLE BEACH
FITSNews - May 15, 2008 - Since riding roller coasters and listening to Led Zeppelin are two of our favorite things … like, ever … it’s about time somebody put them together. Seriously, move over peanut butter and jelly because this is officially the coolest combination in history, and it’s right here in South Carolina.
The rollercoaster, which Zep guitarist Jimmy Page picked the theme music for himself, goes 65-mph and includes six loops. It opened this week at the Hard Rock Park in Myrtle Beach, S.C. the world’s first rock-n-roll amusement park.
As cool as the Zep coaster may be though, the Hard Rock Park’s niftiest attraction may be the “Pinball Wizard” arcade. Oh, and bonus points to anybody who can tell us which of the six senses The Who’s original Pinball Wizard played by …
Always Good Advice May 11, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff , 1 comment so far
BECAUSE SOMETIMES JIGGLING THE HANDLE ISN’T ENOUGH
FITSNews - May 11, 2008 - We have no idea what environmental nuisance this guy is protesting against, but we’re definitely thinking about staging a “No Mega-Dump” protest of our own outside of the FITSNews bathroom.
Why? Because our founding editor should be on the Department of Homeland Security’s terrorist watchlist the way he blows up bathrooms.
Seriously, somebody open a window in here!
Our Readers Are Funny May 1, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, SC Politics , 3 comments
FITSNews - May 1, 2008 - Not surprisingly, our recent spike in traffic has been accompanied by an overflowing mailbox, and this time it’s not just impressionable young women sending Sic Willie their innermost fantasies and various sweet nothings.
Anyway, we’re going to start posting some of the funnier responses we receive - anonymously, of course - like this individual who commented on our recent story about how ridonkulously sh*tty the Charleston School of Law (CSOL) is:
WTF Fits? Was your mother raped by a CSOL grad or are you just pissed that you don’t get laid a lot? That’s about the childishness of your arguments. I hope that you fall down a flight of stairs and land ass first on an upside-down pineapple.
And by the way, I (am) coming for your job. If you were a competent lawyer, you’d have better things to do than waste precious hours of your life by running a blog that is the intellectual equivalent of a toddler talking to his imaginary friend. Cover your incompetence by bashing all you want, the end result is your bitter ass will be a bigger joke than Bill Green.
Wishing you a happy night of rubbing one out while thinking about CSOL pass rates. I’m going out. Maybe upper King. Who knows, might get a little crazy and go to Market St.
Is it wrong to admit we’re a little bit turned on by that? Seriously … that’s pretty good. We also got a funny e-mail last night from some new friends in Dorchester County, S.C. who apparently got turned onto FITSNews after we broke the story of Senator Randy Scott’s drunk driving arrest last month … (more…)
Starbucks Plan For World Domination On Hold
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff , add a commentSEATTLE-BASED COFFEE COMPANY TO SCALE BACK NEW STORE OPENINGS
FITSNews - May 1, 2008 - Faced with a grim fiscal forecast, Starbucks Coffee is scaling back its new store openings to accomodate America’s tanking economy. Instead of opening eleventy kabillion new stores this year, the chain will only open nine kabillion.
That was funny, right? Alright, we know it wasn’t funny but give us a break, people … it’s f*cking early and we haven’t had our Starbucks yet. Anyway, here are the actual numbers from the AP report:
Looking ahead at financial and operational growth, Starbucks again pared back the number of U.S. store openings planned for this year by 30 and said it would limit new U.S. stores to 250 per year in 2009 through 2011 … Starbucks added 266 U.S. stores in the quarter, and 470 outside the country, bringing the worldwide total to 16,226.
Apparently, Starbucks only made $2.53 billion in revenue during recently concluded fiscal quarter when it was supposed to have made $2.63 billion, according to Wall Street experts. Sounds to us like Number Two has some explaining to do …
You’re Invited April 26, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff , 3 comments
TO “UPPER CONWAY LOWER AYNOR?”
FITSNews - April 26, 2008 - You know, we’re really starting to wonder whether or not this whole Sic Willie getting married thing is a hoax … particularly when we see invites referencing a ceremony on “some date that is never going to happen” at a “converted meth lab” in “Upper Conway Lower Aynor, S.C.”
Hmmm …
Actually, this is what happens when you let infants like Sic play around on websites like David’s Bridal …
